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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP applying for the same job as me?

120 replies

Two4oneJob · 14/12/2021 14:58

Have name changed as this is identifiable.

I’ve been unemployed for a long time. SAHM plus have a disability means that it has been virtually impossible to get back into work. Have applied for numerous jobs and TBH the longer I apply the less employable I become, especially as a lot of employers are now requesting references from paid employment now within the past two years.

DP has a job and has been working for the same company for a while.

A friend has sent me a link to a job, they’re leaving this job to go elsewhere and so thought I might want to apply for it.

Meanwhile DP has seen it as well and thinks he would like to apply for it as well.

Thing is, as DP has more recent experience etc it’s far more likely that he would get it.

I don’t want to be in a position where we are competing for the same job and where if one of us gets it it leads to resentment on the part of the other.

I do actually think that DP would get this job over me, but I need a job and he essentially doesn’t as he already has one.

But neither do I want to tell him that he should step aside to give me a better chance.

So should I just leave the opportunity open for DP and not apply myself?

OP posts:

Azerothi · 14/12/2021 17:27

@Figgit

The OP says the job would a significant salary increase for her partner. If it was a sideways move, I would say that fair enough he should stand aside, but it’s not. It’s a great opportunity for both to have career progression. Why shouldn’t he go for it when the OP isn’t guaranteed it if he doesn’t? It’s more money for the household. If it was a closed vacancy, and the OP and her partner were the only two candidates, it might be a different story. But the reality is, I’m afraid, that the OP is extremely unlikely to get the job, and there are likely to be other candidates equally qualified and experienced as her partner, if not more so. The partner is far from guaranteed it either.

The partner is most definitely not a POS. Jeez.

Why would it matter to the OP if her boyfriend has more money for his house?

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/12/2021 17:28

Also OP kindly share your skills my org is very disability aware and might be able to help you find a role

MichelleScarn · 14/12/2021 17:28

Exactly MN is bonkers. The man hating has reached disproportionate levels
Absolutely agree. So basically some posters have decided the dp is solely going to be responsible for op not getting the job if he goes in for it. Its an absolute 2 horse race, well only one if dp doesn't?

Flowers500 · 14/12/2021 17:28

[quote CaptSkippy]@Cocomarine

The boyfriend doesn't need another job. He has one and OP never said that he is unhappy with where he works. OP would not benefit from him getting this job, but would be expected to open her house for him.

He is a selfish git.[/quote]
Presumably the boyfriend also wants to earn more and go up in his career. I had a job when I was 15, that wasn't me sorted for life! OP's said it would be a pay increase.

Him standing aside is incredibly unlikely to change her chances. She's gone way down a rabbit hole imagining it's the two of them in a final stage interview.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/12/2021 17:30

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

The fact that your friend does the job at the moment and has suggested you apply for it means you’ve got a decent chance. I would absolutely go for it. If he does too then I would think less of him tbh but I wouldn’t let it stop me from having a shot.

Why isn’t the friend referring the OP if she’s so confident? I find this strange OP said her DP has contacts so is ‘likely’ to be taken seriously but ignored the fact that she’s been sent the link by the incumbent.

CaptSkippy · 14/12/2021 17:30

@Cocomarine

Where else is he going to live? OP said that she could not apply for his current job, because it's in another town. Sure, she did not directly say it would be in her house, but damn near implied it.

In either case, OP would have lost out on a job he is sure to get and she would not fiancially benefit from him getting it either.

Hont1986 · 14/12/2021 17:31

If it comes down to the two of you at the final stage, then I might say YANBU for wanting him to step aside so you can have the job. But since it is open to the public to apply, YABU. You should be encouraging him to apply, so that if you don't get it, your partner has a chance at moving closer to you and on more money.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/12/2021 17:32

I'd never dream of applying if I was your DP.

I think he likes you being at home and is doing what he can to sabotage your chances. Keep applying.

Cocomarine · 14/12/2021 17:37

[quote CaptSkippy]@Cocomarine

Where else is he going to live? OP said that she could not apply for his current job, because it's in another town. Sure, she did not directly say it would be in her house, but damn near implied it.

In either case, OP would have lost out on a job he is sure to get and she would not fiancially benefit from him getting it either.[/quote]
@CaptSkippy you’re referring to wrong person I think! I made the same assumption as you, that he’d move in with her - but actually I think the other poster might be right and we’re wrong, she does only say “here”.

unname · 14/12/2021 17:41

I think you should still apply. Give it your best shot. Gain more interview experience. Build yourself up and roll with whatever happens.

Presumably you want him to move so either way it’s a positive thing if one of you gets it?

SlashBeef · 14/12/2021 17:41

The thing is he is right, he's more likely to get it being employed already and having contacts. I understand its upsetting though.

Charlyz · 14/12/2021 17:43

@two4onejob
Talk to each other. Communicate this with him/her. Otherwise friction will be cause over feelings and emotions that unknowingly exist that weren't communicated.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 14/12/2021 17:43

I think he should apply and therefore increase the chances of one of you getting it.

Your DP won't be the only one applying with recent experience so if that's what they're after, so be it.

MaHBroon · 14/12/2021 17:48

@LivingDeadGirlUK

As you don't live together and share finances I actually think its a massive red flag he wants to go for this job. How long have you been with him?

I agree with you.

Ophanim · 14/12/2021 17:53

@Disfordarkchocolate

I'd never dream of applying if I was your DP.

I think he likes you being at home and is doing what he can to sabotage your chances. Keep applying.

That's a bit of a leap.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 14/12/2021 17:53

Firstly, don't let him put you off.

Secondly you will sort of win a little if he does get it, he will have moved nearer to you.

Thirdly, for all the reasons ofthers have given, it isn't just between the two of you. Neither of you may get it. So apply and be damned, let thos chips fall as they may, see what happens.

Fourthly, don't let it become a bone of contention between you. Unless you think this is just the last straw in your relationship!

And finally, good luck with your appplication, even better luck with your interview

Hadjab · 14/12/2021 17:58

@Two4oneJob

He found out about the job because I told him, but later he saw a link to it on social media.

To the PP saying it would be unfair to expect him to step aside, I have never suggested that he should. If anything I have said that maybe I should be the one who steps aside.

He has said that he will more likely get it than me anyway which is why he wants to apply.

Just apply - you’ll either get it or you won’t, he’ll either get it or he won’t, or neither of you will - cross the Bridge of Consequences if you get to it.

Blanca87 · 14/12/2021 18:00

Two things jump out of your post for me: the first is that he is a selfish arse-wipe for applying for the job after you told him you were applying ( especially because of your circumstances). The second is he is a selfish ares-wipe for telling you that he would most likely get it, knowing you have been out of the jobs market for a long time and have low confidence about your job prospects.
If and thats a big if he gets it, please do not let him move in with you or go out of your way to help him move to 'here'. I think he has shown his true colours on this one. Does he have kids or face physical or hidden disability that may harm his job prospects? if he does, do you think you would have made the same choice as him? I for one would struggle to get past this, based on your circumstances.

Skeumorph · 14/12/2021 18:01

With your updates, I would be really hacked off.

Well you know how he sees your partnership now - not really a partnership. Me first eh?

He doesn't even live with you, so you can't even rationalise it that the person most likely to get the job would be best to go for it for the sake of the family - he doesn't share living expenses with you.

Don't discuss it with him any more.
Apply for the job.
If he gets it, don't let him move in with you.
Mark his card. He doesn't see you as a team.

Figgit · 14/12/2021 18:03

Why would it matter to the OP if her boyfriend has more money for his house?
I’m presuming if this a serious enough relationship for the OP to want her DP to step aside, it’s serious to think that they might (if not already) share a house/family/life together? You can’t have it both ways!

Flowers500 · 14/12/2021 18:07

@Disfordarkchocolate

I'd never dream of applying if I was your DP.

I think he likes you being at home and is doing what he can to sabotage your chances. Keep applying.

Huh? Have you read any of the same things as me? They don't even live together. It would be a pay rise for him. He also saw it advertised and knows people at the company.

?????

Motnight · 14/12/2021 18:08

You should both apply for it.

Calmdown14 · 14/12/2021 18:09

Just both apply. Double your chances.
Him applying could be beneficial. It allows you to focus on what you offer over him.
Yes he has more recent experience but what other skills do you bring?
As someone who has shifted through a lot of applications this week I would recommend going through the job description with a fine tooth comb and emphasising everything you have that fits.
Do you have a skills based rather than chronological CV? If not, do one. And if there's an opportunity to submit a covering letter, do it. This is your chance to explain the gap, why what you have to offer is relevant, what other skills you have gained in that period that will be applicable.
I'm fed up of generic applications that are clearly something bunged in for hundreds of jobs.
Tailored effort and an understanding of the role applied for is what stands out

Baconking · 14/12/2021 18:11

@Bunnycat101

Have you tried the civil service? It is known to be one of the more accessible employers re disability.

I don't know if this is the rule everywhere or just civil service but we have to offer an interview to all candidates with disabilities (local government)

steff13 · 14/12/2021 18:34

@Disfordarkchocolate

I'd never dream of applying if I was your DP.

I think he likes you being at home and is doing what he can to sabotage your chances. Keep applying.

They don't live together and they don't have any common children. Whether she is at home doesn't affect him in the slightest.

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