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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP applying for the same job as me?

120 replies

Two4oneJob · 14/12/2021 14:58

Have name changed as this is identifiable.

I’ve been unemployed for a long time. SAHM plus have a disability means that it has been virtually impossible to get back into work. Have applied for numerous jobs and TBH the longer I apply the less employable I become, especially as a lot of employers are now requesting references from paid employment now within the past two years.

DP has a job and has been working for the same company for a while.

A friend has sent me a link to a job, they’re leaving this job to go elsewhere and so thought I might want to apply for it.

Meanwhile DP has seen it as well and thinks he would like to apply for it as well.

Thing is, as DP has more recent experience etc it’s far more likely that he would get it.

I don’t want to be in a position where we are competing for the same job and where if one of us gets it it leads to resentment on the part of the other.

I do actually think that DP would get this job over me, but I need a job and he essentially doesn’t as he already has one.

But neither do I want to tell him that he should step aside to give me a better chance.

So should I just leave the opportunity open for DP and not apply myself?

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 14/12/2021 16:49

YWBU to stop him from applying for this job unless you have already been promised it. It sounds like there is a high chance he would get it and a low chance you would get it, it's ridiculous to stop him from even being one of the candidates when it would benefit both of you.

Hankunamatata · 14/12/2021 16:50

So dp saw job advert separately to your friend sending it to you and decided to apply or did you tell him?

Cocomarine · 14/12/2021 16:50

If it was you vs him, then I think he should step aside. But it isn’t.
If it directly puts him into a company with a role you could do, that may work well for you in future with him recommending you or coaching you.

Presumably there’ll be multiple rounds here? In which case, both get your applications in. If he gets called to interview and you don’t, it’s unlikely that it’s directly him that has “cost” you an interview.

CaptSkippy · 14/12/2021 16:55

If you both applied for the same job and the company finds out you two are not only partners, but live together, it will look weird as hell.

Also, I think your partner is a POS. It's a buyers market for employees right now. Most people (without disabilities) have no trouble finding work within a matter of weeks. There is no need for him to go after this one.

And futhermore, you'll be putting him up in your house so he can go to a job he kinda he kinda "stole" from you? I sure as hell would not be proving him with a place to live after all that.

MichelleScarn · 14/12/2021 16:58

How on earth did the partner 'steal' the OPs job?!

Cocomarine · 14/12/2021 17:00

@CaptSkippy it wouldn’t look weird in the slightest!

And that’s nonsense that most people are finding work with a few weeks. You have no idea what this job is! I’m not sharing my industry, but we have plenty of applications for our positions.

CaptSkippy · 14/12/2021 17:05

@Cocomarine

Then I guess we must be in different industries, because mine is clamoring for personnel. I get hit up by recruiters at least once a week. The last two times I switch jobs, I was able to do it within less than a month.

But I do know that any industries are struggling to find people. Considering OP has not worked in the past few years, but is qualified for this job, I can't imagine it's anything that requires up-to-date certification or recent work experience.

cookiemonster2468 · 14/12/2021 17:05

Would the new job be a step up for your partner in terms of pay?

If so, then it may be worth him applying if he's more likely to get it. As previous posters have said, him getting it doesn't necessarily mean you would have been the second choice.

However, if he's just doing it because he fancies a change, I think it's pretty awful to be honest. He is already in work and presumably knows about your struggles and being blind isn't going to make things a walk in the park for you. If there's no financial benefit in it for him then it's crappy behaviour.

Original poster
Two4oneJob · 14/12/2021 17:06

He found out about the job because I told him, but later he saw a link to it on social media.

To the PP saying it would be unfair to expect him to step aside, I have never suggested that he should. If anything I have said that maybe I should be the one who steps aside.

He has said that he will more likely get it than me anyway which is why he wants to apply.

OP posts:
steff13 · 14/12/2021 17:07

If you both applied for the same job and the company finds out you two are not only partners, but live together, it will look weird as hell.

I don't think it would look weird. Particularly because the OP said that they don't live together.

Cocomarine · 14/12/2021 17:09

[quote CaptSkippy]@Cocomarine

Then I guess we must be in different industries, because mine is clamoring for personnel. I get hit up by recruiters at least once a week. The last two times I switch jobs, I was able to do it within less than a month.

But I do know that any industries are struggling to find people. Considering OP has not worked in the past few years, but is qualified for this job, I can't imagine it's anything that requires up-to-date certification or recent work experience.[/quote]
We certainly are.
And it wouldn’t matter if we both had exactly the same experience anyway - you can’t categorically state that the boyfriend could get another job instead of this one, within a few weeks, unless you know what job it is.

If employers were so desperate for people in all roles, OP wouldn’t find her disability an issue as the lack of applicants would encourage the employers to do what they should be doing anyway - not discriminating.

Cocomarine · 14/12/2021 17:09

@Two4oneJob

He found out about the job because I told him, but later he saw a link to it on social media.

To the PP saying it would be unfair to expect him to step aside, I have never suggested that he should. If anything I have said that maybe I should be the one who steps aside.

He has said that he will more likely get it than me anyway which is why he wants to apply.

Why would you step aside though?
Flowers500 · 14/12/2021 17:09

People might be able to help a bit if we get an idea of what you're qualified to do, and what level you were at before becoming a SAHM?

It sounds like the job is something reasonably senior, given that your partner is employed already and would be getting a big pay rise if he got in. Is it something you have a background in? Unless the answer is yes then you should be looking at more entry-level roles anyway.

I would feel privately upset with the situation but would have zero issue with him actually applying, neither of you are even guaranteed interviews. Chances are neither of you will even get it. It would be a different situation if it was just between the two of you, but it's not.

cookiemonster2468 · 14/12/2021 17:10

If you both applied for the same job and the company finds out you two are not only partners, but live together, it will look weird as hell

Why?

And how would they "find out" anyway? (Not that there is any reason to be worried about it!)

The only way the company would know is if they employed one of them and that person then mentioned their partner's name, and the hiring manager then remembered they had also received an application in that name.

Even so, it's really not a big deal - people who know each other apply for the same jobs all the time Confused

MargaretThursday · 14/12/2021 17:10

It's a hard one because I think you will resent him if he gets it-even though you have no assumption you would have got it if he didn't.

If he doesn't go for it, because you asked him not to and he doesn't get another opportunity to go for similar, then I think he'd be unlikely not to resent that. But he may get other opportunities. If it was a sideways step then that would be a different matter.

Jobs are not two a penny round here anyway, and if it is as particularly inviting as the OP says then there may well be lots of applicants. Most likely is that neither gets it anyway.

I think the OP should go for the job-who knows they may fancy a less experienced and hence cheaper person.

Lasair · 14/12/2021 17:11

@girlmom21 she has no job and kids. He’s making it harder for her if she applies. A partner supports you not makes life harder

Flowers500 · 14/12/2021 17:12

@Two4oneJob

He found out about the job because I told him, but later he saw a link to it on social media.

To the PP saying it would be unfair to expect him to step aside, I have never suggested that he should. If anything I have said that maybe I should be the one who steps aside.

He has said that he will more likely get it than me anyway which is why he wants to apply.

Huh? Now I'm even more confused. Why should either of you step aside? I think you're massively overblowing this, the fact is most likely neither of you will get it.
dangerrabbit · 14/12/2021 17:13

Since you are unemployed and he has a job, why should he not stand aside to allow you to apply?!

Cocomarine · 14/12/2021 17:15

[quote Lasair]@girlmom21 she has no job and kids. He’s making it harder for her if she applies. A partner supports you not makes life harder[/quote]
What if he gets it though? Their plan seems to be that he’ll move in with her. In which case, she gains a contributor to the household on more money than they were previously. If she wasn’t going to get the job anyway, that’s making her life easier, isn’t it?

If she is going to get the job anyway - then she needs to not step aside, and get on with her application.

Time to worry about “stealing” jobs is when they’ve both made it at least to interview.

CaptSkippy · 14/12/2021 17:22

@Cocomarine

The boyfriend doesn't need another job. He has one and OP never said that he is unhappy with where he works. OP would not benefit from him getting this job, but would be expected to open her house for him.

He is a selfish git.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/12/2021 17:23

If a man had posted this saying that he was disabled and unemployed people would tear him a new one for wanting his partner to ‘step aside’.

if you think they’ll hire DP over you what makes you think that you have a chance amongst all the other better qualified/experienced candidates?

Accept that you have a fighting chance and apply with everyone else. Or don’t apply.

Btw your DP can always reject the offer on the off chance you’re the second candidate can he not?

Figgit · 14/12/2021 17:23

The OP says the job would a significant salary increase for her partner. If it was a sideways move, I would say that fair enough he should stand aside, but it’s not. It’s a great opportunity for both to have career progression. Why shouldn’t he go for it when the OP isn’t guaranteed it if he doesn’t? It’s more money for the household.
If it was a closed vacancy, and the OP and her partner were the only two candidates, it might be a different story. But the reality is, I’m afraid, that the OP is extremely unlikely to get the job, and there are likely to be other candidates equally qualified and experienced as her partner, if not more so. The partner is far from guaranteed it either.

The partner is most definitely not a POS. Jeez.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/12/2021 17:24

@Figgit

The OP says the job would a significant salary increase for her partner. If it was a sideways move, I would say that fair enough he should stand aside, but it’s not. It’s a great opportunity for both to have career progression. Why shouldn’t he go for it when the OP isn’t guaranteed it if he doesn’t? It’s more money for the household. If it was a closed vacancy, and the OP and her partner were the only two candidates, it might be a different story. But the reality is, I’m afraid, that the OP is extremely unlikely to get the job, and there are likely to be other candidates equally qualified and experienced as her partner, if not more so. The partner is far from guaranteed it either.

The partner is most definitely not a POS. Jeez.

Exactly MN is bonkers. The man hating has reached disproportionate levelsb
MichelleScarn · 14/12/2021 17:26

[quote CaptSkippy]@Cocomarine

The boyfriend doesn't need another job. He has one and OP never said that he is unhappy with where he works. OP would not benefit from him getting this job, but would be expected to open her house for him.

He is a selfish git.[/quote]
Has that been said anywhere? Op has said he'd move 'here' so the town she lives in, not necessarily her home?

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 14/12/2021 17:27

The fact that your friend does the job at the moment and has suggested you apply for it means you’ve got a decent chance. I would absolutely go for it. If he does too then I would think less of him tbh but I wouldn’t let it stop me from having a shot.