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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let a 13 year old babysit 9 year old for 20 mins?

94 replies

Starcup · 14/12/2021 00:16

Just that really and inspired by another thread.

I’ve got a very sensible DC 13 (year 8) and I trust to do the right/sensible thing. I can leave them alone for a couple of hours on occasion fine.

9 year old isn’t sensible and there’s no way on this earth would I leave them on their own (though I know some people would at 9) but equally isn’t in to everything and is very happy playing on their computer.

I sometimes think it will be great when they’re at an age where I can pop to the shop and leave them at home together for 20 mins, so I can pick up something for tea etc….

But reading comments on a different thread, I think some people would happily leave a sensible 13 year old with a 9 year old sibling for 30 mins maximum?

Am I being OTT to think I wouldn’t yet?

OP posts:
Kitkat151 · 14/12/2021 00:19

I wouldn’t have though twice about leaving my children as 13 year olds with a 9 year old for 20 mins

phoebethegb · 14/12/2021 00:19

Sounds to me like YABU but I don't know your children.

Original poster
Starcup · 14/12/2021 00:21

@Kitkat151

I wouldn’t have though twice about leaving my children as 13 year olds with a 9 year old for 20 mins
When I think back, I used to take my cousins swimming when I was about 13 and my cousins was only about 5 and our parents were fine 😂
OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/12/2021 00:22

I say this on every thread like this

It's about the kids not the numbers

You know your own kids, Mumsnet doesn't.

Original poster
Starcup · 14/12/2021 00:22

@phoebethegb

Sounds to me like YABU but I don't know your children.
I’m starting to think I am OTT. 🙈😂
OP posts:
Original poster
Starcup · 14/12/2021 00:23

@WorraLiberty

I say this on every thread like this

It's about the kids not the numbers

You know your own kids, Mumsnet doesn't.

True!

Ones very sensible, the other not so, I suppose that’s why I struggle

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 14/12/2021 00:31

I think the issue is making the 13 year old responsible for the 9 year old. You say you can leave the 9 year old on their own for 2 hours? So you can leave them for 20 minutes while you pop out, knowing that the 13 year old would know what to do in an emergency. But you don’t tell the 13 year old that they are “babysitting” and expected to manage their sibling’s behaviour. That’s not fair on the 13 year-old.

nokidshere · 14/12/2021 00:42

As @WorraLiberty says it's about the child really.

I happily left my 12 yr old alone, and my 10yr old alone but it was much later when I left them alone together. I didn't want the oldest to be 'responsible' for the younger and together they got up to all sorts, including the odd fight.

Capricopia · 14/12/2021 01:12

You know your own 9yo best. If you can’t trust them to be sensible, you’re right not to leave them. Other 9yos would be fine for 30 mins with a sensible 13yo. I’d keep playing it by ear based on what your own children are like.

Kanaloa · 14/12/2021 01:16

Well you’ve said your 9 year old isn’t sensible.

There’s no point asking mumsnet because they don’t know the child. There’s people on here who insist leaving a 15yo at night is basically high level neglect.

I could have left my oldest two at 9/10 with a teenager watching them because they’re very sensible and wouldn’t get into everything. Wouldn’t leave ds8 without an adult because he’s autistic and could have a meltdown/might not sensibly apply rules eg if I said don’t open the door and his nanna knocked he wouldn’t apply his common sense that it’s ok to open the door.

Just use your own knowledge of your children to decide whether you can leave them or not.

Original poster
Starcup · 14/12/2021 09:22

@Kanaloa

Well you’ve said your 9 year old isn’t sensible.

There’s no point asking mumsnet because they don’t know the child. There’s people on here who insist leaving a 15yo at night is basically high level neglect.

I could have left my oldest two at 9/10 with a teenager watching them because they’re very sensible and wouldn’t get into everything. Wouldn’t leave ds8 without an adult because he’s autistic and could have a meltdown/might not sensibly apply rules eg if I said don’t open the door and his nanna knocked he wouldn’t apply his common sense that it’s ok to open the door.

Just use your own knowledge of your children to decide whether you can leave them or not.

Very true. I would have left my older DC(13) with a sensible 13 year old, when they were 9 (for Haifa an hour or so) but as my younger DC isn’t as sensible, I don’t think I’ll feel comfortable with it for another 2/3 years 🙈
OP posts:
Classicblunder · 14/12/2021 09:28

Well, it depends what you mean by not sensible. Clearly if you think he might play with matches, then no I wouldn't. If you mean that he wouldn't know what to do in an emergency but his sister would, I think you could leave them for 20 mins to go to the shop.

The bit that makes me think you might be a bit paranoid is that you would only leave your 13 year old for a couple of hours, at that age, I was on my own at home during the school holidays all day

MsJaneAusten · 14/12/2021 09:38

On the face of it, you sound OTT. Mine are younger than yours and I leave them for around thirty minutes to go for a run. Like you say though, it’s different for different DC.

I’d also say it’s dependent on timing as well as ages. For me:

Both boys lying in their own beds watching YouTube? Fine to go out. They won’t even notice.

Boys playing anything together? Not fine to go out. It could ‘turn’ at any moment.
One boy engaged in something and the other ‘boorrrrred’? Take the bored one with me.

We also have strict rules about not eating if I’m not there, and I’m a single parent so they’re well trained in ‘what to do if something goes wrong’ (neighbour / 999 / phone nana - depending on the situation)

lanthanum · 14/12/2021 10:17

Depends totally on the kids - I think that's largely why there are no fixed rules about when you're allowed to leave your children.

I had a friend who was one of five. Their mum would leave either of the eldest two in charge of the younger three, but wouldn't leave the eldest two together!

The first step with yours might be to leave them with the younger one settled on their computer, not to be disturbed by the older one unless there's an emergency.

thirstyformore · 14/12/2021 10:17

We leave our 12 and 8 year olds by themselves for up to a couple of hours. They are super sensible, the 12 year (year 8) knows exactly what to do in an emergency and the 8 year old is happy for his big sister to be "in charge" whilst we're out.

But it's up to you.....I'd say you were being OTT but they aren't my kids!

Oblomov21 · 14/12/2021 10:18

Of course you can. Depending on their nature. If sensible as mine were, no problem.
Mine never moved from the x box and barely noticed I'd gone. Grin

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/12/2021 10:19

I leave my 7 (nearly 8) year old with my 13 yo for perhaps 15 mins. But only very rarely

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/12/2021 10:20

Younger one isn’t that sensible but will stare fixedly at a screen if one is on until you take it away!

BurntO · 14/12/2021 10:20

YANBU, you know your kids best. My DS is only 8 and I know he’d be fine if I left him. My nephew is almost 12 and he isn’t left and I can 100% see why. All kids are different.

3scape · 14/12/2021 10:21

It's not the 13 year old that is the problem. It's the 9 year old who, by the sound of it, would not 'accept' the 13 year old in charge and would make it risky. The 13 year old would probably be fine with a younger child who was more willing to play a game or such and generally be 'entertained'. But the 9 year old sounds too much of a wildcard.

I can leave either my 16 year old or my 13 year old with my 5 year old. But I cannot leave my 13 year old and 15 year old without an argument. Madness.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/12/2021 10:21

I guess it depends what you mean by not sensible...what do you think the 9 year old would actually do? Get in a mess making cereal, is not the end of the world. Decides to cook themselves something complicated, using sharp knives and heat probably not fine. In reality if they would just sit there on a tablet or something then I probably would

Happy1982ish · 14/12/2021 10:22

You don’t have a sensible 9 year old
Fair enough
I do
So I totally would be fine with this

Happy1982ish · 14/12/2021 10:23

* I would have left my older DC(13) with a sensible 13 year old, when they were 9*

So what exactly is the point of you starting this thread op?

RedHot22 · 14/12/2021 10:24

Only you know your own children.

I’ve left mine and used to leave one of them completely alone from aged 9 for a few hours.

I never, ever, made the older one responsible for the younger ones though. That’s asking for trouble and unfair. They were all responsible for themselves.

DeepaBeesKit · 14/12/2021 10:27

Honestly? If it wasnt frowned upon socially, I'd happily leave my 5 year old with my 12 year old niece for 20-30 mins.

She's sensible, he generally does as he's told and worships her, plus if the television is on and he has a snack he won't move an inch anyway!

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