Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gender selection

103 replies

Noyosoy · 13/12/2021 01:38

Hubby’s friends have four girls and more money than sense (IMO). they are so desperate for a boy they have travelled to a country where you can choose the sex of the embryo/s implanted during IVF.

I find this just really gross and as someone who had no choice but to do IVF to have my kids (and it was SO shit!) find it astonishing anyone would go through it voluntarily when they are likely to conceive naturally. They have just announced she’s pregnant with their much wanted boy.

Opinions on this? Obviously happy that the pregnancy is going well, and know I’m being a hot judge but it’s really put me off them, I just think it’s a bit “ew”

OP posts:
discoland · 13/12/2021 12:42

It’s a fascinating subject!

I do wonder how commonplace it actually is? Eg you seem to get a lot of celebs who have boy/girl twins and I sometimes wonder whether that’s more than coincidence.

Apparently in some countries it’s standard for anyone undergoing IVF to be asked whether they want boy, girl or surprise. I know Chrissy teigan has talked about how they chose their children’s sex.

tapeandglue · 13/12/2021 12:44

Ethically speaking, I don't see the difference between this and 'normal' IVF. In both cases, your genetics are saying no, and you're overriding that with medical science.

I find it very hard to judge IVF parents given they are clearly desperate to have kids, when the vast majority of people can have kids without particularly wanting them. At least IVF kids are typically very much wanted. There are too many unwanted children.

My only concern would be around the existing girls. If the parents love all of their children equally and treat all of them equally, it's all good. But if they treat the boy as the Saviour of all Humankind, then those parents are jerks.

Marvellousmadness · 13/12/2021 12:51

Ivf maybe hard but you don't know their struggles. Stop being such a judgemental squirrel.

ClumpyMascara · 13/12/2021 12:56

I would argue the difference is using IVF as a tool to curate the family you want over using simply to become a family

Nomoreusernames1244 · 13/12/2021 12:56

Ivf maybe hard but you don't know their struggles. Stop being such a judgemental squirrel

Their “struggles”? Having four girls not enough, they need a boy?

They admit on a christmas card they had ivf for the sole purpose of sex selection, that’s not a “struggle” Hmm. It’s using science and medicine to fulfil a whim. Nobody needs a child of a particular sex.

ClumpyMascara · 13/12/2021 12:58

@ClumpyMascara

I would argue the difference is using IVF as a tool to curate the family you want over using simply to become a family
In fact simply to become a family because you can’t in the way which others can
user1471604848 · 13/12/2021 23:32

I don't see what the issue is.

They had kids of one sex, and wanted kids of the other sex, so did sex-selection, and got what they wanted.

I've done 10 IVFs, and know what it involves, so they obviously really wanted this.

I assume they love their existing kids, and don't make them feel "second best" fir not being the other sex.

user1471604848 · 13/12/2021 23:36

A previous poster mentioned a lot of Celebs have boy/girl twins (Eg Byonce, George Clooney, Mariah Carey).
After IVF, I had boy/girl twins, so I sometimes think if I was a celebrity, they'd think I had done sex selection (I didn't).

RampantIvy · 13/12/2021 23:44

@user1471604848

I don't see what the issue is.

They had kids of one sex, and wanted kids of the other sex, so did sex-selection, and got what they wanted.

I've done 10 IVFs, and know what it involves, so they obviously really wanted this.

I assume they love their existing kids, and don't make them feel "second best" fir not being the other sex.

I find it a bit transactional and it feels too much like consumerism - we have the house, the cars, TVs etc, 4 girls, so now lets go and buy ourselves a boy baby.
explodingeyes · 13/12/2021 23:53

I have one

explodingeyes · 13/12/2021 23:58

I have one of each. Happy days.
But this has taught me that

  • neither conform to stereotypes
  • both are similar in many ways and not in other that has zero to do with their genitals
  • both are emotional. One wears heart on sleeve and one is more private.
Zero to do with genitals.
  • they have shared interests and different ones. Both play instruments.
I find the whole 'I want a boy / I want a girl ' horr
explodingeyes · 14/12/2021 00:00

Horribly stereotypical. It's often about dressing girls up pretty and assuming boys will be like their dads. It massively limits kids potential putting them in boxes

explodingeyes · 14/12/2021 00:05

I get that people see themselves as a mum of boys / girls. I wanted boys as I'm not girly. I got a girl who is amazing but also non girly. I have a boy who is very stereotypical boy but way more sensitive and highly emotional.
This extreme wanting of a certain sex is loaded with gender expectations

Dasher789 · 14/12/2021 00:12

Sorry off topic, @darbs76 how did you get on with your natural sway?

I want to try and sway. If I had the money I'd do this gender selection

HollaHolla · 14/12/2021 00:21

Just shows you…. If you’ve got the cash, you can do anything, Beckham style. 🤷🏻‍♀️
As someone who went through so much unsuccessful fertile treatment, we’d have been utterly delighted with any viable pregnancy. As it was, it destroyed our relationship, and I’m single and childless now. I wouldn’t put myself through it all unnecessarily.
All a bit distasteful.

ginnig · 14/12/2021 00:22

Don't some people who need IVF do this as well? I thought that was an option in some places

I'm not sure I could do it, I would blame myself if something went wrong.

WizbitsLeftEye · 14/12/2021 00:24

It's a bit shit but I wouldn't compare it with having to go through IVF for infertility.

If that's what floats their boat then great, I wouldn't have done it

Junac · 14/12/2021 00:27

@CheesyFootballsAreEvil

I do actually know of someone who did this in another country, in similar circumstances, and their son has a serious inherited condition which only affects males. Be careful what you wish for. that's a pretty horrible thing to say tbh.
I know someone who had similar; prayed for a boy only to get one with a serious life limiting illness.

I don’t think it’s horrible to say at all; it’s a cliche to say you want a healthy baby and that’s all that matters but really health IS more important than genitalia.

Sometimes you end up with children of one sex due to good reasons of natural selection.

BackInBits · 14/12/2021 00:28

I can’t say I’m comfortable with the idea. With my medical history, I know that any sons I have will be colourblind. Any daughters (well, 50%) I have will likely have a tougher time than sons with an autosomal dominant condition I have.

Like you, I’ve had IVF to allow me to get pregnant. I have a beautiful, wonderful son. I can’t imagine feeling any differently about him were he a daughter.

I lean towards “each to their own” but understand your reservations.

explodingeyes · 14/12/2021 00:29

@HollaHolla heartbreaking.
Hopefully you will have a family in the future even if not the conventional type. Maybe fostering or adoption. Maybe step parent. Maybe new fertility means. It's all consuming having kids snd af times thankless.

HollaHolla · 14/12/2021 00:33

[quote explodingeyes]@HollaHolla heartbreaking.
Hopefully you will have a family in the future even if not the conventional type. Maybe fostering or adoption. Maybe step parent. Maybe new fertility means. It's all consuming having kids snd af times thankless. [/quote]
Sadly, I also went through early menopause; so no kids for me.
Maybe I’ll meet someone else, who already has kids…. Who knows. I’m also too old to adopt, and living alone, I can’t foster, as also need to work.

Saoirse82 · 14/12/2021 01:53

It wouldn't be for me, I struggled with infertility and I wouldn't have cared either way, and regardless of the infertility I can't see it ever being something I'd consider. Having said that each to their own, I used to get annoyed at women with gender disappointment and thought they should just be grateful but I knew that was because I'd struggled to have a baby for a long time but their disappointment was real so it wasn't for me to judge. Clearly this couple were desperate for a boy so much so that they had ivf abroad, I don't find it any less unethical than other embryo screening. Some might even argue that ivf in itself is unethical (not me) so I wouldn't judge but personally I wouldn't do it either.

Baileys123 · 14/12/2021 02:11

Never judge what you don't understand Hmm
Also, the girls won't feel not wanted
they will be in love with their little brother and loving experiencing having a brother.
You're all so quick to jump to conclusions
so pathetic 🙄

Junac · 14/12/2021 02:55

@Baileys123

Oh yes of course, all will hail the new brother…

RampantIvy · 14/12/2021 06:56

Why are you so defensive @Baileys123?