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AIBU?

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Original poster

Gender selection

103 replies

Noyosoy · 13/12/2021 01:38

Hubby’s friends have four girls and more money than sense (IMO). they are so desperate for a boy they have travelled to a country where you can choose the sex of the embryo/s implanted during IVF.

I find this just really gross and as someone who had no choice but to do IVF to have my kids (and it was SO shit!) find it astonishing anyone would go through it voluntarily when they are likely to conceive naturally. They have just announced she’s pregnant with their much wanted boy.

Opinions on this? Obviously happy that the pregnancy is going well, and know I’m being a hot judge but it’s really put me off them, I just think it’s a bit “ew”

OP posts:
Original poster
Noyosoy · 13/12/2021 08:06

I’m sure they mean it well and are just happy - I mean they do love their girls even if they are a bit annoying as parents 😂 just thought putting on the Christmas card was a bit much, maybe it’s just the shock of that which worked me up

OP posts:
CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 13/12/2021 08:07

It is a bit tbh. They would surely know its controversial as otherwise they wouldn't have to leave the country to do it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/12/2021 08:09

I think it's wrong. How are the later girls going to feel knowing they were probably conceived in the hope of having a boy? It also suggests that they would treat a boy differently (otherwise why bother).

I do actually know of someone who did this in another country, in similar circumstances, and their son has a serious inherited condition which only affects males. Be careful what you wish for.

watchingrnfire · 13/12/2021 08:12

@AlmostAJillSandwich am really curious to know why you prefer to have a boy over a girl, genuinely curious

alaiwnsks · 13/12/2021 08:17

It's wrong on every level and is the start of a very unpleasant path to selecting more aspects of our children.

Porridgeislife · 13/12/2021 08:29

OP I tend to agree. In the US they sex their PGT-A embryos and so couples choose what they will have.

It feels like a slippery slope to what China and a lesser extent India has with mismatched female/male ratios and the ensuing social issues that creates.

It’s not in any way comparable to genetic testing of an embryo (PGT-M) where parents who are known carriers are hoping to avoid passing on life limiting diseases like cystic fibrosis, sickle cell anaemia etc.

Maray1967 · 13/12/2021 08:32

This worries me, I must admit. It sends an appalling message. I pushed back hard against suggestions that I might be disappointed if DS2 was another boy - let’s say that those people got the message very quickly that I would not tolerate any suggestions that we might be disappointed to have two of the same sex.
However, where I think you’re being unreasonable is in your assumption that IVF must be hard for everyone who does it. I did it twice with very high doses of hormones. I was fine - no physical side effects and I coped ok with the failures. It was bad, but not horrific. If you focus on the end goal and can take disappointment if it fails as at least learning a bit more about your fertility - ivf is a very powerful diagnostic tool - then it should not be horrific. I don’t agree with what they’ve done but if they approached the ivf in a positive way given their previous fertility (they’ve got 4 DC so must be pretty fertile) they may well have found it quite easy.
If either of my ivf procedures had worked I would have seen it as pretty easy. I’ve had far worse days at the dentists.

Chely · 13/12/2021 08:39

Weird they explained it all.

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 13/12/2021 08:41

I do actually know of someone who did this in another country, in similar circumstances, and their son has a serious inherited condition which only affects males. Be careful what you wish for. that's a pretty horrible thing to say tbh.

Sceptre86 · 13/12/2021 08:43

I have three children. Girl, boy, girl. If I had a fourth, which is unlikely I would like a boy. Not because my girls are anything less than amazing (youngest is 3 months old) but because I would have liked two of each. I can't afford gender selection but if I could I would consider it bit it isn't something I would share. I didn't try natural methods to sway the sex because dh firmly believes that we get given the family god intends for us to have and deep down I do agree with him.

I didn't have a gender preference any time I had a child and have been grateful my 3 pregnancies have resulted in 3 babies.

Porridgeislife · 13/12/2021 08:43

@Maray1967 one of my rounds of IVF left me hospitalised with sepsis. No fault of my clinic - it’s a rare side effect. That felt pretty horrific to me. Being put into hard and sudden menopause for 3 months on the trot felt pretty horrific too, as well as other various invasive treatments.

I’m an exceptionally robust, tough as nails person and it floored me at times. It has worked for me in the end but it’s incredibly belittling that “it’s no worse than the dentist”. It’s well recognised as one of the most stressful life events that can happen & it’s no coincidence that by law, clinics must offer counselling to their clients.

Thegreencup · 13/12/2021 08:48

Well I suppose it is ethically and morally better than the standard gender selection process available to most of aborting an existing pregnancy after the gender is discovered at a scan.

We have two boys. The chances of conceiving a girl are very slim based on the 13 boys vs 3 girls in this generation of DHs family. We are more than happy with two and have both said we would only ever considering having another if we were 100% guaranteed a girl. But we don't have anywhere near the money need for this kind of thing. So it ain't happening.

Pinkgold1 · 13/12/2021 08:49

YANBU. The youngest dds will feel unwanted. They will be aware that their parents kept trying for a boy. I think gender selection should be illegal.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 13/12/2021 08:58

Yep, i am in the wrong camp.

If you aren’t prepared to accept your child for them, however they come, blonde, gay, boy, 6 fingers… then imo you shouldn’t be having a child.

I hate hate hate this boxing up of girls and boys. This boy could turn out to hate everything masculine- what do they do then? What if he identifies female and they end up with another girl? What if he’s a phenomenally talented ballet dancer?

In all likelihood as pp said they are going to stick to stereotypes, this boy will be the golden child while the girls slot into traditional roles of cooking and cleaning up after him.

We need to be moving away from gender rigidity.

Georgeskitchen · 13/12/2021 09:13

The only time I would think this acceptable is if a genetic disease is carried down the male /female line. Otherwise no. Mother Nature gives a roughly 50/50 split for a very good reason

Original poster
Noyosoy · 13/12/2021 09:52

It also just made me a bit sad - their Christmas card last year was them with their newborn DD4, born late November last year. Knowing the planning that must have gone into the whole thing I feel a bit sad because it seems as if they’ve gone “oh dear another girl let’s crack on again” straight away and sort of not given her the time? I know that’s hardly the case but it still made me feel a bit glum all the same

OP posts:
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 13/12/2021 10:34

@Noyosoy

That’s a pretty ungenerous assumption

CounsellorTroi · 13/12/2021 10:40

@RampantIvy

As someone who also had fertility issues I don't understand this either, and it doesn't sit right with me. I can understand it if it is to avoid genetic issues like haemophilia, but just to choose the sex of a baby like deciding whether you want red wine or white wine is just grim IMO.
I agree. I also had fertility issues and wouldn’t have given a damn about the sex of any baby had I been able to have any. Why can’t people be grateful for what they are given?
Maray1967 · 13/12/2021 10:57

Porridge is life- I’m sorry that you had such a bad experience. What I wanted to question was the assumption that ivf would be hard - I know others who have had it and coped fine. Clearly it’s tough for others - but it’s not necessarily bad. I looked forward to starting my second go ad the first tax been fine.

Maray1967 · 13/12/2021 10:59

First time!

CounsellorTroi · 13/12/2021 11:02

IVF was pretty shit for us. Pretty much everything that could go wrong did.

Original poster
Noyosoy · 13/12/2021 11:05

Ours was quite straightforward but just found it awful all the same. Raging hormones, injections, painful bloating, the last minute appointments, being prodded every which way, the worry something would go wrong and halt treatment, and the emotional rollercoaster of it all. Just hated the whole thing and everyone I know who’s been through the same had said that too (albeit I only know a few) But there you go, everyone’s different. Glad you found it ok.

OP posts:
Franca123 · 13/12/2021 11:21

I agree, it's horrible. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Is the wife being put under pressure to go through that process in order to provide a boy? Having done IVF I honestly think this is mad. In all honesty, I would struggle to remain friends with people like this. That's how strongly I feel about this. There's good reasons this is illegal in this country. I'm surprised (and concerned) by how many on here are fine with this.

Maray1967 · 13/12/2021 11:45

Too many typos there.
I think it is relevant to the thread as the person who had ivf who is being discussed might well have had a very positive experience with ivf and/ or spoken to people like me.
I still have serious concerns about what has been done, though, and understand the OP’s concerns. This seems to be setting this child up to be a golden child or to be expected to follow traditional male interests.

LittleGwyneth · 13/12/2021 12:35

I worry that if it becomes more popular and common it'll negatively impact the gender balance of the population, but that's probably quite a long way off.

I think perhaps it would be different from them doing IVF as they already have four children and know that they're able to create healthy babies - I think much of the horrors of it when you're TTC and dealing with infertility are emotional. I imagine the physical load is easier to bear when you're not so emotionally battered.