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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend really irritating me and I feel like a bad person

80 replies

FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 21:13

About 6/7 years ago I was going through a lot of infertility struggles and ended up having a total of six miscarriages before having my children. I didn’t broadcast it but told a few people including a friend I work with (as part of our little group of friends)

When I had my third/fourth miscarriage She said “well my sister has four kids and trust me when I say this is the easy part, you wouldn’t know how hard actually looking after the kids is” - she said this only to me and I didn’t want to kick up a fuss so dropped it but I haven’t forgotten it! I was so annoyed but soon moved jobs and we stayed vaguely in touch through our wider friendship group.

Fast forward to now - she recently had a miscarriage. She is constantly posting pictures of herself crying on Facebook and in the group chat. She is now treating me like a best friend when we were only sort of close and constantly messaging me (like every day) about how hard it is for her. I’ve tried to support her as much as I can but to be honest I don’t feel that comfortable with it and she really hurt me a long time ago with her comments about the same scenario. I’m not going to bring it up after all this time and I know that I should get over that when she clearly didn’t have a clue at the time how hurtful what she said could be (or so you would think). She might not even remember she said that and I know it would be petty of me.

I’d get it if she said she wanted to talk to someone who understands but to be honest I can’t seem to say anything right - when ever I offer her any comfort or advice she says something like “it’s fine for you to say that because it’s worked out for you now, you have children”

It’s just all coming across as a bit attention seeking and wearing thin, but obviously I don’t want to hurt her further - I get that she probably feels lonely and is reaching out for any support she can get. But at the same time I just don’t think I have the patience for it. There is also still a lot of trauma around all of my losses and I can find it hard to talk about even with people I trust very deeply, even now. I feel really bad for her but at the same time I feel like I need to look after myself.

Am I being really unfair? What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 21:29

I’ve also got two year old twins and a three week old baby so there’s enough on my plate already! She knows I struggle with pregnancy anyway and can be a bit distant (my problem I know) … but the fact that she was messaging in brutal detail about her miscarriage while I was heavily pregnant/about to give birth and super anxious with a complicated pregnancy really irked me tbh - was there really no one better to talk to?

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SummaLuvin · 12/12/2021 21:30

I agree with you approach on the unkind things she said years ago - you either address it at the time or let it go (can't blame you for not being able to forget).

I think you have a few options, either directly say something like you don't have the time/words/capacity to be able to support her in the way she needs right now, and that it brings back alot of trauma and negative emotions that isn't healthy. Or you could go the more subtle root and just take a while to reply to texts or calls, be less available, she may move onto someone who is more responsive.

You may feel you can't say anything right, because of course you can't, nothing you can say will 'fix' this for her, but that doesn't mean she isn't taking comfort and strength from knowing someone is in her corner, even if it doesn't feel that way for you.

Pegasussnail · 12/12/2021 21:35

'It's a long road that doesn't have a turn'
Is my feeling on her thoughtless comments in the past.

But you have enough on your plate. Just reduce the replies - take longer to respond and say you are busy Flowers
So glad that you have your lovely children - it was a very tough time

Pegasussnail · 12/12/2021 21:37

'It's a long road that doesn't have a turn'
Is my feeling on her thoughtless comments in the past.

But you have enough on your plate. Just reduce the replies - take longer to respond and say you are busy Flowers
So glad that you have your lovely children - it was a very tough time

YoComoManzanas · 12/12/2021 21:38

Um, im a bit hard nosed but she sounds bloody awful. I would have ghosted her years ago.
Don't let her draw you into her selfish drama. She is no friend to you.

sjxoxo · 12/12/2021 21:41

I think just take some time to reply; you could suggest an alternative support group in your area which might switch her attention. People can be really insensitive without realising it ever- you’ve nothing to gain by bringing up the past but I agree you’ve got enough on your plate! Xo

BillyBarryBoo · 12/12/2021 21:43

You don't have the emotional energy to support her at the moment anyway. Add in her hurtful comments in the past and I wouldn't be giving her any time. You need to concentrate on yourself and she can find someone else to support her

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/12/2021 21:53

It sounds like she is a bit of a taker not a giver. Yes its insensitive to talk about a lost baby with someone who is about to go through a birth. And it's also harsh to effectively ask you for support then tell you it's ok for you as you've had kids, like that somehow negates your experiences and support. She is insensitive and thoughtless at best I think.

For now I think I'd just reply with bland statements like 'I'm sorry, that sounds really hard' or whatever, but put yourself and your kids first as you can be sure she would if it was the other way round

Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 22:02

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

It sounds like she is a bit of a taker not a giver. Yes its insensitive to talk about a lost baby with someone who is about to go through a birth. And it's also harsh to effectively ask you for support then tell you it's ok for you as you've had kids, like that somehow negates your experiences and support. She is insensitive and thoughtless at best I think.

For now I think I'd just reply with bland statements like 'I'm sorry, that sounds really hard' or whatever, but put yourself and your kids first as you can be sure she would if it was the other way round

And it's also harsh to effectively ask you for support then tell you it's ok for you as you've had kids, like that somehow negates your experiences

I think that’s the biggest kick to be honest because I’ve tried to be supportive despite the fact she really upset me just to have seven years worth of feelings effectively invalidated. It feels quite insulting to be honest

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/12/2021 22:09

I think I would say something along the lines of I'm not in the right place to help you through this right now. I would recommend speaking to Footsteps (or other specialist organisation).

Can someone else think of an ending?

LoveGoldberg · 12/12/2021 22:11

You are a better person than me. I would casually mention how awful it is for her and tell her that years ago someone said something awful to you and repeat back what she said! I’m 7 years into trying to conceive though so very bitter.

AntiHop · 12/12/2021 22:12

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

I think I would say something along the lines of I'm not in the right place to help you through this right now. I would recommend speaking to Footsteps (or other specialist organisation).

Can someone else think of an ending?

Yes this (no need for an ending, it's enough) or ignore her totally.
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2021 22:17

Congratulations on your new baby Smile

I’d just stop replying. She’s an insensitive selfish cow. She’s sapping your already depleted energy and taking you back to a painful place.

No one with a shred of decency tells a pregnant friend the gory details of their miscarriage. What the fuck.

I’m so sorry for all of your losses and so pleased you got your babies. That trauma stays with you even when you finally get to be a mum, I empathise completely. Your only priorities have to be yourself and your family.

Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 22:19

I’ve written this out, tell me what you think

Hi (X)

I don’t mean this unkindly, but I’m not sure I’m the right person to give the support you need right now going through this. Have you got anyone else who has been through similar? I know something that really helped me was professional counselling, is that an option for you/something you’ve considered? I really hope you find something that works to help you get some closure/ and wishing you and (your boyfriend) lots of luck moving forward, you’re right that it’s really scary thinking about trying again. Maybe we can have more of a chat at (X’s) party in January if you like, depending on how you are feeling?

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Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 22:22

A bit nicer than I actually feel like being but I’m trying to be a good person over here 😂

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 12/12/2021 22:22

I'd ignore her or leave it longer and longer between replies. She was completely horrible to you and what kind of human being posts photos of themselves crying in SM? It sounds like she's thriving on the attention somewhat.

It must bloody tempting to relay what she said to you before.

ArthurTudor · 12/12/2021 22:23

I think I would tell her what you've said here - you find your miscarriages incredibly painful to talk about. Therefore you aren't able to support her right as it's too painful.

StealthPolarBear · 12/12/2021 22:24

Youbdont owe her that. She's not a friend.

Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 22:27

@Cam2020 that’s the thing EVERYTHING goes on social media with her so if she takes it badly I know I’ll get a public thrashing and I won’t defend myself because I don’t really like talking about my private life all over it and I’m not willing to go into details about myself to defend myself to people I don’t know. But at the same time I’m not willing to go on like this, it’s very draining.

I do think she does enjoy people feeling sorry for her, from what I’ve seen. I don’t get the crying selfies either

OP posts:
Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 22:28

I have considered that but I don’t want to make it too “about me” in case she’s offended

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Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 22:29

@ArthurTudor

I think I would tell her what you've said here - you find your miscarriages incredibly painful to talk about. Therefore you aren't able to support her right as it's too painful.
I have considered that but I don’t want to make it too “about me” in case she’s offended

I feel like in my hormonal grief filled state I would have felt a bit annoyed about someone making it about them

Really trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and if it gets thrown back in my face no one can say I’ve actually done anything wrong

OP posts:
Riverlee · 12/12/2021 22:31

I think your text is spot on. You’re acknowledging her problems and worries, and suggesting practical help going forward.

Maybe worth looking up details of relevant charities/counsellors so if she asks who you advise, you can forward the details to her. Also, if she asks why you can’t help, after having experienced a similar situation, you can (truthfully) blame it on sleepiness nights, etc.

Incidentally, she’s probably forgotten that she said that comment to you, although I can understand how much it hurt you.

Congratulations on your lovely family.

Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 22:33

You should have seen me while I was going through it all, horrible to be around probably! It’s so hard I don’t think you can help but be a bitter Betty sometimes, totally normal but it does feel a bit horrid

OP posts:
Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 22:34

@FancyNedFlanders

You should have seen me while I was going through it all, horrible to be around probably! It’s so hard I don’t think you can help but be a bitter Betty sometimes, totally normal but it does feel a bit horrid
This was supposed to be a reply to you, @LoveGoldberg

(Love the username by the way)

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AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2021 22:34

Your message is fine but I’d skip or change the reference to closure. You don’t get closure after losing a baby.