Friend really irritating me and I feel like a bad person

[FancyNedFlanders]

About 6/7 years ago I was going through a lot of infertility struggles and ended up having a total of six miscarriages before having my children. I didn’t broadcast it but told a few people including a friend I work with (as part of our little group of friends)

When I had my third/fourth miscarriage She said “well my sister has four kids and trust me when I say this is the easy part, you wouldn’t know how hard actually looking after the kids is” - she said this only to me and I didn’t want to kick up a fuss so dropped it but I haven’t forgotten it! I was so annoyed but soon moved jobs and we stayed vaguely in touch through our wider friendship group.

Fast forward to now - she recently had a miscarriage. She is constantly posting pictures of herself crying on Facebook and in the group chat. She is now treating me like a best friend when we were only sort of close and constantly messaging me (like every day) about how hard it is for her. I’ve tried to support her as much as I can but to be honest I don’t feel that comfortable with it and she really hurt me a long time ago with her comments about the same scenario. I’m not going to bring it up after all this time and I know that I should get over that when she clearly didn’t have a clue at the time how hurtful what she said could be (or so you would think). She might not even remember she said that and I know it would be petty of me.

I’d get it if she said she wanted to talk to someone who understands but to be honest I can’t seem to say anything right - when ever I offer her any comfort or advice she says something like “it’s fine for you to say that because it’s worked out for you now, you have children”

It’s just all coming across as a bit attention seeking and wearing thin, but obviously I don’t want to hurt her further - I get that she probably feels lonely and is reaching out for any support she can get. But at the same time I just don’t think I have the patience for it. There is also still a lot of trauma around all of my losses and I can find it hard to talk about even with people I trust very deeply, even now. I feel really bad for her but at the same time I feel like I need to look after myself.

Am I being really unfair? What should I do?

You did the right thing op and no way did you deserve that response.

You're well rid of her, clearly!

Tbh, anyone who sends people 'crying selfies' has confirmed that there's something wrong with them, and probably more than 95% of the time, the 'something wrong' is that they're attention-seeking drama queens. I have sincere sympathy about what she's going through; that must be truly horrible. But there's just no need to take and share photos of yourself crying. Why am I not surprised that she's the type to post vague revenge/drama on social media?!

Cryptic drama on social media is my pet hate

Ignore her. What you said was absolutely fine and she us a drama llama. She was wrong to try to use you as an emotional crux when she was so heartless towards you. I've never had a miscarriage so can't begin to imagine how it feels but my sister has and when thoughtless people comment on her being glad to have had a boy first she admitted to me that she couldn't have given a shiny shit about the gender of her baby she just wanted an alive baby.

You've already been nice and kind to this women, now leave her to it and get on with your own family.

Yeah totally not surprised by her reply. Just block the silly beeyach. NO good can come from any more communication, ever. Congratulations on your baby.

She sounds like a selfish bitch and if I were you I wouldn't even bother replying to her! She was insensitive and nasty when you was experiencing your 4th miscarriage and now she's had just one she expects sympathy! Well no forget that! I also have suffered many miscarriages including a late second trimester one do know how horrible they are and also had a friend say something insensitive about how well at least I already had children. Oh so that makes it okay then to lose a baby so late and have to go through giving birth to my dead baby.
I'm so happy for you that you now have 3 healthy children and twins what a blessing! I am also expecting twins now.
If I were you I think I wouldn't be able to help saying something equally insensitive and hurtful back like she did to you all those years ago like " I'm sorry but I really don't have time to talk right now I'm so busy and have my hands full with all my children"
But you sound like such a nice person I'm sure you won't but she doesn't deserve your kindness

I'm sorry for her loss....I really am.... but she sounds like a prick to me.

Just seen your updates and you know what miscarriages is a horrible thing for anyone to go through but I don't feel sorry for her at all and in her case maybe it's karma for the way she treated you and she clearly still hasn't changed. She is a nasty woman and doesn't deserve a baby or a friend like you

Bad things happen to awful people too sometimes and that doesn't make them nicer people. She's an attention seeking twat, avoid avoid avoid. I wouldn't have engaged at all, just keep quiet and generic.

You step back because you've got your own thing going on. You've been sympathetic and kind but it's best for you to remove yourself from anything related to her.

She sounds fucking vile! Why are even trying to spare her feelings?!
God I'd have told her damn straight "yeah it's awful isn't it, can you believe you told me when I was going through multiple miscarriages that what I was going through was easy compared to having kids?" And now she's dismissing your experiences because you now have kids. What a nasty bitch.

God I'd comment on her post "you treated me like shit when I was going through hell and now you want me to rehash all that trauma while still telling me it wasn't that bad for me? I'm sorry I'm not willing to put myself through that for you." God I hate her and I don't even know her.

Just seen her response. How rude!

Personally I would PM and just say I am sorry for your losses, of course I understand how you feel and I found the best thing was xxx , I am sorry I can’t provide more support to you as I find it upsetting as it brings back memories of my own losses. Please seek formal counselling

Then I would block

@Chocolatewheatos

She sounds fucking vile! Why are even trying to spare her feelings?! God I'd have told her damn straight "yeah it's awful isn't it, can you believe you told me when I was going through multiple miscarriages that what I was going through was easy compared to having kids?" And now she's dismissing your experiences because you now have kids. What a nasty bitch.

God I'd comment on her post "you treated me like shit when I was going through hell and now you want me to rehash all that trauma while still telling me it wasn't that bad for me? I'm sorry I'm not willing to put myself through that for you." God I hate her and I don't even know her.

I would reply like this too. I wouldn't be able to hold myself back . What an awful person .

'You're lucky I gave you any support at all after the vile comment you said to me a few years ago about my miscarriage being the easy part.'

My god OP you're a better woman than I.
I dont think I'd have been able to hold back after her reply.
Block/delete/ignore.
And enjoy you're squishy new baby xx

Your*

I couldn't have coped with this, dismissing your experiences and talking about miscarriage just as you are giving birth is the height of insensitivity. I'd either send one of the excellently worded emails above or give her a wide berth (not temporarily).

Do take a screenshot just in case she tries to pretend she didn't send such a horrible message.

She clearly has big ISSHOOES with you

"It’s very condescending and impersonal to suggest counselling like it’s not something I haven’t thought of and naive to think it’s something anyone can afford. Rub your wealth in my face why don’t you."

I would respond with 'No, what's condescending and impersonal is to tell a woman who has suffered 4 miscarriages that those were the easy part and that looking after the kids is much harder."

What a bitch.

I’d be making sure a few people know the true story of what’s gone on and how she’s treated you before she gets in there with her woe is me and Fancy is so awful.

I have a lot of sympathy for people going through what you have both gone through, but she is a class A bitch, there is no need for anything she’s said or done.

How are you today? Don’t know why but I feel quite cross with your friend, and I don’t even know her! She’s made you out to be the bad guy when you’ve done nothing wrong.

I wouldn’t refer to the horrible comment she made previously, as she’s probably forgotten she said it, or would deny she’s ever said it. Getting into a battle of words won’t solve anything.

Be the bigger person, be sympathetic when you see her, and enjoy this exciting time in your life.

I’d get it if she said she wanted to talk to someone who understands but to be honest I can’t seem to say anything right - when ever I offer her any comfort or advice she says something like “it’s fine for you to say that because it’s worked out for you now, you have children”

You could remind her that you had six miscarriages.

@FancyNedFlanders

I’ve written this out, tell me what you think

Hi (X)

I don’t mean this unkindly, but I’m not sure I’m the right person to give the support you need right now going through this. Have you got anyone else who has been through similar? I know something that really helped me was professional counselling, is that an option for you/something you’ve considered? I really hope you find something that works to help you get some closure/ and wishing you and (your boyfriend) lots of luck moving forward, you’re right that it’s really scary thinking about trying again. Maybe we can have more of a chat at (X’s) party in January if you like, depending on how you are feeling?

I would say that to her, not send it as a text. It would make it more difficult for her to put it on SM

@skodadoda

It has been done, sent and reply given

@Riverlee I’m honestly fine, Thankyou for asking.

If she really kicks off I’ve got plenty of screenshots and can easily prove I’m not in the wrong, although undoubtedly there’d still be someone who would tell me I was, you know it’s like 😂

A mutual friend who Im quite close with called me today. ‘X’ told her the whole thing not realising we were actually quite good friends. It turns out X has been doing exactly the same to her, more or less (she is pregnant at the moment but has had no losses)

Just goes to show that X has got some serious issues she needs to sort out I think. I feel a bit sorry for he really