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Original poster

Friend really irritating me and I feel like a bad person

80 replies

FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 21:13

About 6/7 years ago I was going through a lot of infertility struggles and ended up having a total of six miscarriages before having my children. I didn’t broadcast it but told a few people including a friend I work with (as part of our little group of friends)

When I had my third/fourth miscarriage She said “well my sister has four kids and trust me when I say this is the easy part, you wouldn’t know how hard actually looking after the kids is” - she said this only to me and I didn’t want to kick up a fuss so dropped it but I haven’t forgotten it! I was so annoyed but soon moved jobs and we stayed vaguely in touch through our wider friendship group.

Fast forward to now - she recently had a miscarriage. She is constantly posting pictures of herself crying on Facebook and in the group chat. She is now treating me like a best friend when we were only sort of close and constantly messaging me (like every day) about how hard it is for her. I’ve tried to support her as much as I can but to be honest I don’t feel that comfortable with it and she really hurt me a long time ago with her comments about the same scenario. I’m not going to bring it up after all this time and I know that I should get over that when she clearly didn’t have a clue at the time how hurtful what she said could be (or so you would think). She might not even remember she said that and I know it would be petty of me.

I’d get it if she said she wanted to talk to someone who understands but to be honest I can’t seem to say anything right - when ever I offer her any comfort or advice she says something like “it’s fine for you to say that because it’s worked out for you now, you have children”

It’s just all coming across as a bit attention seeking and wearing thin, but obviously I don’t want to hurt her further - I get that she probably feels lonely and is reaching out for any support she can get. But at the same time I just don’t think I have the patience for it. There is also still a lot of trauma around all of my losses and I can find it hard to talk about even with people I trust very deeply, even now. I feel really bad for her but at the same time I feel like I need to look after myself.

Am I being really unfair? What should I do?

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 12/12/2021 22:35

I think this is more than her just being selfish. I think it sounds like she's got some sort of a hang up with you and is deliberately setting out to wind you up, posdibly kind of subconciously. Is she jealous of you? I think I'd say you absolutely can't talk about it as it's too triggering for you and you're still working through the trauma. Which of course she'll understand given she is going through the same.

JingleJingleAllTheWay · 12/12/2021 22:36

Congratulations on your newest born. ❤ You need to distant yourself from this person. Its sad what shes been through but she sounds like she has narcissistic traits and that makes her toxic. Someone could be dying but she's dying worse. Slowly drop contact and then eventually lose it all together

Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 22:38

@AnneLovesGilbert I used that because she said in a previous message she wanted “peace and closure”

Finding peace was way too cheesy for me to write and I didn’t really want to say to her “you won’t find closure”

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2021 22:41

I get you, that’s a very decent reply then x

Plutonium7000 · 12/12/2021 22:41

That message is good. In your position I would find it sooooo hard to be so nice but if you send that message you can then ignore any further contact guilt free. Plus you've then taken the moral high ground which is always the best place to be.

You sound like a lovely person and you don't need someone like her in you life right now after what you've been through, it's likely to carry on like this for a long time.

Georgeskitchen · 12/12/2021 22:42

Block her and move on

Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 22:44

@Plutonium7000

That message is good. In your position I would find it sooooo hard to be so nice but if you send that message you can then ignore any further contact guilt free. Plus you've then taken the moral high ground which is always the best place to be.

You sound like a lovely person and you don't need someone like her in you life right now after what you've been through, it's likely to carry on like this for a long time.

It’s really just a jazzed up version of “can you leave me alone, I’ve got my own shit to deal with” 😂

The moral high ground is not easy haha

OP posts:
Poptart4 · 12/12/2021 22:50

I'm sorry to be harsh but why are you bending over backwards to appease this women? I wouldn't have spoken to her ever again after what she said to you about your miscarriages, yet here you are years later tying yourself in knots not to offended her or be the bad guy.

OP I get it, honestly I do, I hate confrontation too BUT sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. And if you can't do that, then block and ignore. Don't give her the attention she craves by sending that message.

If she's as bad as she sounds she will find a way to be offended by that too. Don't feed the trolls.

Thelnebriati · 12/12/2021 22:52

“it’s fine for you to say that because it’s worked out for you now, you have children”
The last person to say 'its all right for you' to me turned out to be a psychic vampire.
www.psychics4today.com/psychic-vampires/

Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 22:53

@Thelnebriati was it Colin Robinson 😂

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 12/12/2021 22:57

I wouldn’t include the bit about talking more at the party/in the future. That just encourages her, and you don’t want to. You owe her nothing except polite disengagement. Filter your social media so you don’t have to see her posts.

Honeyroar · 12/12/2021 23:11

No I wouldn't include the bit about the party either. I'd just leave it at finding someone else/a counsellor. Then step WELL back from her and her drama.

Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 23:15

Ok so I’ve changed the last bit to “if you are still coming to the party in January it will be nice to see you both there x

OP posts:
Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 23:15

That was supposed to be another quote mark - I have NOT put a kiss!

OP posts:
Ariann · 12/12/2021 23:19

Regarding your message OP - I would make the language clear and leave a lot of the stuff out. A bit ;like this:

Dear x,
I'm very sorry for what you have gone through, but I can't support you with that sad event, as I'm sure you will understand. I just can't talk about that subject. I hope you can get some counselling to help with your loss and wish you all the best.

Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 23:39

Ok so that escalated fast 😂

Sent the massage at 23:17

Reply at 23:20:

“Wow, if you don’t give a shit about my loss then just say so.

It’s very condescending and impersonal to suggest counselling like it’s not something I haven’t thought of and naive to think it’s something anyone can afford. Rub your wealth in my face why don’t you.

We will be at X’s party, but I will not be speaking to you.”

Followed by a Facebook rant about “feeling so betrayed and let down” with lots of “what’s happened” reply’s and “I’ll DM you hun”

Says it all really 😂 I’m so done

OP posts:
Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 23:40

*Message! Not massage 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 12/12/2021 23:41

@FancyNedFlanders

Ok so I’ve changed the last bit to “if you are still coming to the party in January it will be nice to see you both there x
Why mention it? All you are doing is suggesting an ongoing connection in the future that you don’t want. She will likely jump on that. You understandably don’t want contact with her in the future so don’t suggest that you will welcome it. That’s not putting clear boundaries in place and is not really fair on her.
SparklingLime · 12/12/2021 23:42

OK, just block her on FB and everywhere. At least it’s over for you.

Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 23:44

@SparklingLime well, she’s part of a ledger social group - I want to be civil and am happy to still see her at functions and stuff seeing as they are few and far between… just don’t want to talk to her about THIS, constantly. Didn’t want it to seem like I wanted nothing to do with her

That was until she replied to my message, now she can fuck off tbh 😂

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 12/12/2021 23:46

Good riddance to her! Congratulations on the new baby.

Original poster
FancyNedFlanders · 12/12/2021 23:46

@SparklingLime

Yeah, a bit of a relief to be honest. Was hoping we could be cordial and just carry on not having much to do with each other, but her need for attention seems to be more that her need for friendship if you ask me

OP posts:
Thwackit · 12/12/2021 23:47

She’s truly unpleasant. You’ve done nothing wrong here.

Noyosoy · 13/12/2021 01:50

She sounds HORRENDOUS

sounds like a lucky escape tbh and at least you kept the moral high ground

WhatTimeIsItMrGinola · 13/12/2021 02:21

I have a close relative like this. I think as soon as you realise that apart from constant giving on your part NOTHING will be good enough, it takes the pressure off 😁
You can't win with people like this

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