To deny my partner his ‘man cave’?

[stunzeed]

We are both 29, just bought our first property together, a 3 bed flat in London. We have a master bedroom, a spare room (bedroom 2) and then another double room (bedroom 3) which is currently a study/hobby room.

We both have tiring jobs, especially my partner. He’s also studying for a few very important postgrad exams over the next few years. He mainly uses bedroom 3 at the moment for his studies. I have no more postgrad exams.

He would quite like to revamp bedroom 3, change up the furniture and adjust the decor to his liking (but also mine of course, though I’d mainly be compromising).

It’s important to note that bedroom 3 is next to the master bedroom. So when/if we have a baby in the next 5 years, we will need to completely empty that room and repaint and redecorate it as a nursery. What’s the point in him decorating this room if we need to change it up soon?

Bedroom 2 is already set up as spare bedroom on the floor below. A baby cannot go there as the room is too far from the master. We cannot change bedroom 3 to a spare room as it’s a smaller double with no separate access to a bathroom (the master next door has an en-suite).

AIBU to deny his request for his ‘man cave’ to save us hassle in a few years?

The OP hasn't mentioned any need or wish to have a "woman cave" anyway. Her only complaint is that they might need to redecorate again in 5 years.

What’s the point in paying for 3 rooms if you aren’t being used.

Both should be being used, even if they double up as guest rooms too.
When you have a baby then change the rooms.

It’s odd and a bit controlling that you’re not going to use it as you might have a baby in the next 5 years.
Is there something bigger going on? Do you think he doesn’t want a baby?

So when/if we have a baby in the next 5 years
You haven't yet had that discussion, have you?

FWIW, I suggest taking a spare room each. Do what you like with it. As long as it can take a put-up bed and can double as a spare room when needed, it doesn't really matter what it's used for most of the time.

Why do people designate guest bedrooms that might be used less than 4 weeks of the year and then squish themselves and their lives into the remaining space?

PS. Make sure the man cave has a bed. One of the secrets to a relationship is getting a good nights sleep.

You can't earmark a whole room for a baby that doesn't yet exist

OP hasn't said how the room is decorated now. The previous occupant might have been an 8yo girl and it might be painted and papered in Barbie pink. Or it might have been a 10 yo boy who is an avid Arsenal supporter and had it painted red and white, while the dp supports Spurs, or doesn't like football at all.

Would it be unreasonable in either case for the DP to redecorate more to his taste?

It seems you have two spare bedrooms; do you have frequent overnight guests? Could you not have one be the primary spare space for him and the other for you? (As he seems to have more need for now because of studying, maybe make your room the first choice if you do need to accomodate a guest.)

Could he re-do and use the other spare room instead of the one you want for a future nursery? As you've both agreed to compromise on decor, just don't agree to anything difficult to undo/change (e.g., knocking out a wall, or paving the walls/ceiling/floor in mirrors).

(And I'd ask him to stop calling it a "man cave"; that's not the correct term for what he seems to want and it sounds incredibly off-putting.)

I turned a spare room into my post grad study office ( it wasn’t exactly a woman cave but it was decorated to my liking) and we redecorated it two years later as a bedroom for one of the DC. Wasn’t an issue.

5 years? I'd let him have it for the 5 years. Although unless his hobby means he has to go to the loo a lot, why is it a problem id he takes the room downstairs?

If his idea of decorating this room is different then my guess is that the rest of the place has OP's 'stamp' on it and that many of the decorating decisions were made by her - or else there would already be a lot of what he liked in other rooms in the house.

This the space where he will be doing a lot of work over the next few years - it should be a space he is comfortable in and I see no reason to not let him adjust the decorating in this room. Op says he would choose furniture and decor she was okay with but it would be more his style. My guess is that there are already other spaces in the apartment where OP chose furniture and decor that he was okay with but that is more her style.

@DogInATent

So when/if we have a baby in the next 5 years You haven't yet had that discussion, have you?

FWIW, I suggest taking a spare room each. Do what you like with it. As long as it can take a put-up bed and can double as a spare room when needed, it doesn't really matter what it's used for most of the time.

Why do people designate guest bedrooms that might be used less than 4 weeks of the year and then squish themselves and their lives into the remaining space?

PS. Make sure the man cave has a bed. One of the secrets to a relationship is getting a good nights sleep.

All of this!

We're moving to a 3-bed next year. One 'spare' room each, whoever gets the bigger one will have a bed in there too. We have guests staying over maybe 3 times a year, it'd be a total waste to keep it just as a bedroom. Plus we can bedhop as needed to get sleep :)

And I'd ask him to stop calling it a "man cave"; that's not the correct term for what he seems to want and it sounds incredibly off-putting

I don't think it's clear whether he has actually called it that or if it's just the op
.

@bonfireheart

I never understand the logic of spare bedrooms unless you have someone who comes to stay at least once a month and even then, a room sitting empty whilst you live in one bedroom and squabble over another.

This ^^

But I tend to be thankful not to have to stay in spare rooms.

@FabulousMrFifty

AIBU to deny his request for his ‘man cave’

I assume this house is joint purchase, why would he need to “request “ this

Quite.

'Deny' makes it sound like he is a teen having to ask mum for permission.

Rethink your attitude, OP.

YABVU - you say he will be studying for postgrad exams over the next few years. He needs a dedicated study space to do that and as you have the luxury of 3 bedrooms (in London) for the two of you then there is absolutely no reason why he can't take over the 3rd bedroom and decorate it how he wants to make it a pleasant environment to work in.
You may not even have a baby in the next 5 years - anything can happen. If you were to have one, the 3rd bedroom could be re-decorated very quickly and furniture moved around so that your partner can still have a place to work (if needed by that point) and the baby has its own room.

Is the issue that YOU don't want him to have the spare bedroom pretty much exclusively for his own use which it would be if he sets up camp in there to study (which he needs a dedicated space for). Do you have a hobby that you want to do in there? If you need space for yourself to study or for whatever hobbies you are in to, then use bedroom 2 for it.
I'm another person who doesn't see the point of rooms sitting empty for months or years or end, beautifully set up as a spare room for whatever guests might happen to grace you with their presence when they drift in from Mars or somewhere
How often do people actually stay over? I'm in a one-bedroom flat and have had no problem accommodating guests before, even at short notice. If the spare room has a bed in it, or even better, a sofa-bed, it can be used for the other 51 weeks of the year to make your living environment more pleasant.
You bought the flat for you and your partner to enjoy and it wasn't cheap - a 3-bed in London. Good on you for being able to afford that. Make your living environment work for both of you now - changes can easily be made in the future depending on what happens in your lives.

We're moving to a 3-bed next year. One 'spare' room each, whoever gets the bigger one will have a bed in there too. We have guests staying over maybe 3 times a year, it'd be a total waste to keep it just as a bedroom. Plus we can bedhop as needed to get sleep

The secret to a good relationship, in my opinion, is having the possibility of separate rooms/bedrooms to retreat to. This sounds great to me.

Why are you looking for a reason to fall out with him, go with the flow, fight the important battles not the trivial ones

I admire your optimism that future baby will actually sleep in his/her room.

Mine took six years to actually spend any time in there. He slept with us (despite all efforts to the contrary) and dragged his toys into the living room, kitchen, bathroom… anywhere but his room. By that time he had opinions on decoration and pastel blues, greens and creams clashed with Spider-man.

Six fecking years.

Give him the man cave, even if you get pregnant in five years it could be a decade before baby shows any signs of being interested in his/her own space. And it’ll save you looking wistfully at “put my heart and soul into decorating it” nursery that your baby is (allegedly) allergic to.

Still a bit bitter and the baby is now 22.

My daughter and her husband have had a garden office built because she'll be WFH for the foreseeable future, what do we call that? A woman-cave?33332

@JudgeJ

My daughter and her husband have had a garden office built because she'll be WFH for the foreseeable future, what do we call that? A woman-cave?33332

I think you will find that is a 'She Shed'

Yabu

I move house at least every five years and usually decorate every one throughout.
Let him have it as a study. If you have a baby it may not want it’s own room and if it’s does it may not have your taste is decor

5 years is long time.
Life is too short.

You are over so overthinking it.
Chill.

@Crazykatie

Why are you looking for a reason to fall out with him, go with the flow, fight the important battles not the trivial ones

Xactlee this.

At this rate you may not even be together in 5 years.

5 years? That's loads of time! Let him decorate how he wants then change it when you need the nursery.

Oh, let him have it. Chances are you'll actually start to enjoy when he shuts himself away do whatever he does, let alone if he invites his mates over to watch sport or play video games. He'll have the one room, you'll have the rest of the house to yourself.

The only thing I'd 'insist' on would be neutral walls and flooring and nothing 'permanent' attached to the walls, like a mounted monster telly. And a designated 'quiet time' if there's a common wall with the bedroom.