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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To deny my partner his ‘man cave’?

120 replies

stunzeed · 12/12/2021 15:36

We are both 29, just bought our first property together, a 3 bed flat in London. We have a master bedroom, a spare room (bedroom 2) and then another double room (bedroom 3) which is currently a study/hobby room.

We both have tiring jobs, especially my partner. He’s also studying for a few very important postgrad exams over the next few years. He mainly uses bedroom 3 at the moment for his studies. I have no more postgrad exams.

He would quite like to revamp bedroom 3, change up the furniture and adjust the decor to his liking (but also mine of course, though I’d mainly be compromising).

It’s important to note that bedroom 3 is next to the master bedroom. So when/if we have a baby in the next 5 years, we will need to completely empty that room and repaint and redecorate it as a nursery. What’s the point in him decorating this room if we need to change it up soon?

Bedroom 2 is already set up as spare bedroom on the floor below. A baby cannot go there as the room is too far from the master. We cannot change bedroom 3 to a spare room as it’s a smaller double with no separate access to a bathroom (the master next door has an en-suite).

AIBU to deny his request for his ‘man cave’ to save us hassle in a few years?

OP posts:
SparrowNest · 12/12/2021 16:42

He needs a home office, you have a perfect room that won’t be used for another purpose. Him wanting more input on the decoration of the room mainly used by him is reasonable as long as he’s not wanting to do anything ridiculously garish and juvenile, or totally out of line with the rest of the home.

Out of interest, will you probably be taking a lead on the decoration of the rest of the flat? Not a dig or loaded question. That’s how it works in my household.

SparrowNest · 12/12/2021 16:43

Also, calling it a mancave seems unreasonable when he wants the space to work on his postgrad qualification. I suspect the posters saying “where’s your playroom?” haven’t read it very carefully.

LostForIdeas · 12/12/2021 16:44

You see I agree with @Skeumorph.

If this is a study room, why the need to redecorate to his own tastes? He IS laying a claim for that room and making clear this is for HIS studies. not a joint study room (that he happens to use more often iyswim).

FabulousMrFifty · 12/12/2021 16:45

AIBU to deny his request for his ‘man cave’

I assume this house is joint purchase, why would he need to “request “ this

Calmdown14 · 12/12/2021 16:45

Just make choices that can be easily changed or repurposed.
So for example get a grey cosy carpet and a protector mat so his chair can still roll easily. Pick a decent sturdy chest of drawers that work for storing his papers or kit but could equally be used with a changing mat on top.
Get a desk that will fit in the other bedroom when the time comes or get an idea cheapy so it doesn't really matter.
If it's just a case of painting walls that's hardly the end of the world to do twice in a couple of years.
He has study to do so be as well to do it as comfortably as possible

1967buglet · 12/12/2021 16:45

How about you take the spare bedroom and make it your office/personal space, and he has his man cave. Get a sofa bed for guests. Then, if baby arrives in five years’s time, you can revisit.

AffableApple · 12/12/2021 16:46

Is there any chance he feels he's had very little say in the rest of the house?

godmum56 · 12/12/2021 16:46

"deny his request?" who made you boss of the partnership?

FatBettyintheCoop · 12/12/2021 16:46

It’s not really a ‘man cave’ if he’s using it to study in peace, surely? Presumably, if you were the one needing a place to study, you’d be the main user? The small bedroom could easily be a nursery in the short term as babies don’t need a lot of space.

Luckily, DH and I both have our own spaces, his is a study full of bookshelves and piles of books and mine is my sewing room full of tables, sewing machines and my not inconsiderable sewing stash.

LostForIdeas · 12/12/2021 16:47

@SparrowNest, I did read carefully actually Hmm

But I got the feeling he wanted a space just for himself (even if for his studies) and I am asking where the space just for the OP (to do whatever she wants for herself).

I mean I have studied whilst workig and having dcs. I never had a 'study' just for myself. I ahve a corber with a desk and shelves for books. That's it.
DH is now WFH, he has a desk in the corner of the living room. Like a lot of people really.

There is no need for that room to be HIS room iyswim

Skeumorph · 12/12/2021 16:51

That's because you've fallen for the way OP has phrased it. I'd be worried that him installing a jukebox, gaming system, pool table and multiple TV's would mean he's immature and you'd barely spend any time together - that's what most would consider a man cave. But all OP has said is about changing the decor a bit then dressed it up with the inflammatory "man cave" title when it doesn't seem like anything of the sort.

No, I don't think so. I'm not making any assumptions on what he'd do in there - as OP says, it seems to be mainly the idea that he'd study in there. Nothing wrong with that.

I dislike however the laying claim by decorating. Why does he need to decorate a room to study in? - or rather, why can't the room be decorated neutrally so that it's a good study space/hobby space, then equally good as a nursery or indeed anything else?

As others have said, the desire to put HIS stamp on the only spare room is the issue - thus making the point that he needs/deserves to be the one taking the last room just for him. A far more mature attitude would be for the room to be decorated neutrally and be used by whoever needed it. That would just happen automatically in my relationship. Doesn't stop him having his (very fortunate) access to solo space practically all the time.

RedToothBrush · 12/12/2021 16:51

Live the life you have now and enjoy it.

The baby will change everything when it comes. Don't restrict your life now on an imaginery baby.

Anything can happen in the interim. You might be hit by a bus. You might split up. The bus might do you serious injury which might me you have to rethink having children. Anything.

Use your house to the max. You pay enough for it. Empty space is a waste of money.

Skeumorph · 12/12/2021 16:52

The point is - it would be just as selfish and teenagery for OP to lay claim to it and insist on flowery wallpaper and pink carpet etc etc if she were, for the foreseeable future, mainly intending to use the room for her crafting. Just no need. A bit me me me.

Skeumorph · 12/12/2021 16:53

@FabulousMrFifty

AIBU to deny his request for his ‘man cave’

I assume this house is joint purchase, why would he need to “request “ this

Because there isn't a fourth room for OP to have as 'hers'.
ChateauxNeufDePoop · 12/12/2021 16:54

@Skeumorph

That's because you've fallen for the way OP has phrased it. I'd be worried that him installing a jukebox, gaming system, pool table and multiple TV's would mean he's immature and you'd barely spend any time together - that's what most would consider a man cave. But all OP has said is about changing the decor a bit then dressed it up with the inflammatory "man cave" title when it doesn't seem like anything of the sort.

No, I don't think so. I'm not making any assumptions on what he'd do in there - as OP says, it seems to be mainly the idea that he'd study in there. Nothing wrong with that.

I dislike however the laying claim by decorating. Why does he need to decorate a room to study in? - or rather, why can't the room be decorated neutrally so that it's a good study space/hobby space, then equally good as a nursery or indeed anything else?

As others have said, the desire to put HIS stamp on the only spare room is the issue - thus making the point that he needs/deserves to be the one taking the last room just for him. A far more mature attitude would be for the room to be decorated neutrally and be used by whoever needed it. That would just happen automatically in my relationship. Doesn't stop him having his (very fortunate) access to solo space practically all the time.

"Laying claim by decorating". It's a study, most likely for years by the sound of the OP.

Honestly Biscuit

viques · 12/12/2021 16:54

It’s not really a man cave if he is using it for studying in is it. Or is he planning to set it up with a fridge, a lava lamp, Bon Jovi posters, three screens and a gaming chair?

LostForIdeas · 12/12/2021 16:55

Also has others have ointed out, 5 years is a long time.

Will the Dp still woring of those all important exams in 5 years time? How is he supposed to be studying for like this?

@stunzeedAre we talking aboutt him making it HIS space and redecorating for 1, 3, 5, 10 years until he has finished those exams?,

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 12/12/2021 16:55

@viques

It’s not really a man cave if he is using it for studying in is it. Or is he planning to set it up with a fridge, a lava lamp, Bon Jovi posters, three screens and a gaming chair?
Exactly, reverse the sexes and with a less inflammatory name for the room and everyone would agree that a female using the room to study for most likely up to 5 years would be entitled to adapt it for her comfort.

Man cave my arse.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 12/12/2021 16:57

What on earth is he planning to do with it that will make it totally unusable in 5 years?! Turn it into a sex dungeon or something?!

Even if you decided to ttc tomorrow, it might take you a year or longer to conceive, then 9 months of pregnancy, and then 6 months of sleeping in the same room as the baby. So you wouldn't need the nursery until at least April 2024!

Thismummyrunstheshow · 12/12/2021 16:58

Sounds like you're planning on having a baby before he is.

Kshhuxnxk · 12/12/2021 16:58

Jeezo - I hope he's reading this - run mate, run now!

SivvyPlath · 12/12/2021 16:58

Because there isn't a fourth room for OP to have as 'hers'

Oh here we go.

SoupDragon · 12/12/2021 17:06

Exactly, reverse the sexes and with a less inflammatory name for the room and everyone would agree that a female using the room to study for most likely up to 5 years would be entitled to adapt it for her comfort.

Man cave my arse.

This!

Cryingbutstilltrying · 12/12/2021 17:06

Dd slept in a glorious blue room next to a desk and the overflow wardrobe until she was 3. She didn’t care and actually loved being able to be involved in choosing colours for her room when she was older. She had a cot and her clothes in a unit, she played downstairs with me. Rooms need to be decorated around every 5 years anyway in my experience. Unless you don’t get any space of your own, that’s the only way this is unreasonable.

JudgeJ · 12/12/2021 17:06

@Youdoyoutoday

Controlling much? I'm sure he's aware how things will change once and if you get pregnant!
I am often amazed at the level of controlling behaviour some women show about their homes and families.