To deny my partner his ‘man cave’?

[stunzeed]

We are both 29, just bought our first property together, a 3 bed flat in London. We have a master bedroom, a spare room (bedroom 2) and then another double room (bedroom 3) which is currently a study/hobby room.

We both have tiring jobs, especially my partner. He’s also studying for a few very important postgrad exams over the next few years. He mainly uses bedroom 3 at the moment for his studies. I have no more postgrad exams.

He would quite like to revamp bedroom 3, change up the furniture and adjust the decor to his liking (but also mine of course, though I’d mainly be compromising).

It’s important to note that bedroom 3 is next to the master bedroom. So when/if we have a baby in the next 5 years, we will need to completely empty that room and repaint and redecorate it as a nursery. What’s the point in him decorating this room if we need to change it up soon?

Bedroom 2 is already set up as spare bedroom on the floor below. A baby cannot go there as the room is too far from the master. We cannot change bedroom 3 to a spare room as it’s a smaller double with no separate access to a bathroom (the master next door has an en-suite).

AIBU to deny his request for his ‘man cave’ to save us hassle in a few years?

I don't really see his intended use of the room is consistent with it being a 'man cave' at any rate. I use my second bedroom as a study - I work from home 95% of the time. It's not a bleddy 'woman cave' - it's my home office.

YABU. It's his house too. Let him have it for 5 years.

There’s no point keeping a room ‘on ice’ for a baby that your thinking about having 5 years from now. Make the room a pleasant and useful space now, and worry about it being a baby room when that time comes.

Keeping a room free just in case you conceive in 5 years is really silly.

Personally I wouldn't make it a man cave though. I would have it decorated in a style that fits with with rest of the house and is flexible. The idea of grown men having an overgrown teenage bedroom doesn't appeal to me. DH uses our study more than me and it has more of his stuff in, but it still feels like a nice room I can work in.

YABVU! Give the man his man cave.

Yup as above. Let him have the room. My husband has one and he adores it. All his boring books and tech stuff is in there which I love. He is well aware that should we be lucky enough to have more than one child he will have to move out but until that time comes it works perfectly. It’s quite a dark green with a light coloured wall- I’ll just pretend it’s a woodland theme nursery 😂. It’s been a godsend in the last 18 with wfh.

@Butchyrestingface

I don't really see his intended use of the room is consistent with it being a 'man cave' at any rate. I use my second bedroom as a study - I work from home 95% of the time. It's not a bleddy 'woman cave' - it's my home office.

Yeah, I was thinking the use of the phrase 'man cave' was a bit manipulative in this context.

You are thinking ahead too much, he should be able to have his so called man cave, without too much input from you.

You have just bought a three bedroom place and you want to keep one room as a spare room and the other in case a baby arrives in five years. It is your space, use it for yourselves now!

YABU. 5 years is ages away. Let him has his man cave.

Oh give him his space, figure out the rest when it comes to it. I'm very grateful for DH's man cave at times.

@stunzeed Your baby couldn’t go in their own room for the first six months - they need to be in the room with you, to reduce the SIDS risk. That said, I’m 39 weeks and we’ve decorated our nursery anyway, it’s nice to have somewhere “set up” for baby and for their things to live…

I suspect this isn’t about a potential baby in five years, though. That’s a long time! It seems to be more that there’s one spare room, and you don’t want it to become a “man cave”.

Do you need a spare room? Will it actually be used often enough to make it a good use of space most of the time? Then you’d have a “room” each.

If that’s not possible, can you compromise on what the third room is for - something for you both?

as you needs change you change how you use your home - we had a room I used as a study when the dc were little, once they were teens I was working f/t outside the home so didn't really use it much - so we turned it into a teen TV room, when they all left home I reclaimed it as a study.

Let him use it, then rethink once you have DC.

But you’ll probably want to update it in that time anyway; I think you’re being a bit defeatist

The baby wont care what colour the walls are, let him paint it since he is going to be spending loads time in there studying

If you were planning a baby in the next year then I could see your point but 5 years is just ridiculous, let him have his room if you don't want it for anything in the near future

OP is your issue really the redecoration, or the fact that he's unilaterally claiming a sizeable room for his own use?

Will you be allowed in there? And if not, what space do you get to call your own?

Its redecorating one room,chill out

We have one.

I actually think it's great! One of my favourite rooms.

Behave!

A maybe baby in 5 years and he's not allowed to have the room how he wants it now?

You're being very unreasonable!

.

Um but there's two of you. Where does your playroom go?

I think you've put it badly, but I'd be irritated too - but more at the manchild-esque idea of him decorating a room so that it can be his - what, den? I suppose - he mainly studies there at the moment, but would also do hobby stuff there too-?

What does he plan to decorate with, big posters of cars? Striped yellow and grey and black 80s BOY wallpaper?!

I'd kind of hate that he wanted to a. lay claim to a room that it has to be HIS, when there's not a room you can 'have' and 2. that he wanted to decorate it to show that.

Why can't it just be neutral and him do his study and stuff in there? And you use it too, share it?

It just seems a bit nauseatingly immature.

What does he plan to decorate with, big posters of cars? Striped yellow and grey and black 80s BOY wallpaper?!

Fuck yeah I'd have that in my den of mess office

@Skeumorph

Um but there's two of you. Where does your playroom go?

I think you've put it badly, but I'd be irritated too - but more at the manchild-esque idea of him decorating a room so that it can be his - what, den? I suppose - he mainly studies there at the moment, but would also do hobby stuff there too-?

What does he plan to decorate with, big posters of cars? Striped yellow and grey and black 80s BOY wallpaper?!

I'd kind of hate that he wanted to a. lay claim to a room that it has to be HIS, when there's not a room you can 'have' and 2. that he wanted to decorate it to show that.

Why can't it just be neutral and him do his study and stuff in there? And you use it too, share it?

It just seems a bit nauseatingly immature.

That's because you've fallen for the way OP has phrased it. I'd be worried that him installing a jukebox, gaming system, pool table and multiple TV's would mean he's immature and you'd barely spend any time together - that's what most would consider a man cave. But all OP has said is about changing the decor a bit then dressed it up with the inflammatory "man cave" title when it doesn't seem like anything of the sort.

I don't see why a room to be used as a nursery needs to decorated or furnished as such.
I'd just use the room as a joint study. I worked from home, and our DS just had a corner in my study when he was born

2 comments there

• if he has a playroom ,where is yours?

• I don't know about you, but the first thing I did was to redecorate the room as nursey with dc1. I suspect that regardless of the state of the room, this is what will happen anyway.

My main issue here is the fact it's validating the ides he needs his own space just for him and iit could create issues further down the line aka him still needed a space of his own/needing on his own etc... once the baby is there.