To wonder if our children would be the ‘poor’ ones at private school

[Changethefloorthroughout]

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

@ALightThatNeverGoesOut 😁 that's so true

But the £75 doesn’t cover school fees. That’s my salary.

And actually and pedantically, 75 minus 30 leaves a 45 salary and I do think you can raise two children on that. Lavishly no, but you can.

When I went to private school my mother was a single parent and I definitely worried about being one of the poorer children, just because when my parents divorced we had to downsize and adjust our lifestyle etc etc etc. Looking back it was my own insecurity, nobody judged me on it and actually we were comfortable.

Now my own DS has started private school and I can tell you it’s a huge mixture of money, not that it matters. No one cares (no one who matters anyway!), nobody is flashy or vulgar and everyone is wonderful. I think it will be absolutely fine.

I was actually the poor kid in a private school (attended on a full bursary, single parent home, lived in a council flat)

I often noticed the huge differences in lifestyle, but it never bothered me. I knew I was there on merit so just as good as the rich kids!

I lived in a 2 bed council flat and was friends with kids who's parents were stupidly rich (drove Bentleys and Aston Martins, had beautiful huge homes in the UK and abroad) I never felt beneath them or anything like that

These ‘how can you even think of private school, how can you afford it’ are absolutely baffling to me.

We can afford it because our salaries cover it, leaving around £80,000 spare. How can that not afford it?!

@Changethefloorthroughout

But the £75 doesn’t cover school fees. That’s my salary.

And actually and pedantically, 75 minus 30 leaves a 45 salary and I do think you can raise two children on that. Lavishly no, but you can.

What would he pay for mortgage in that scenario though?

DS goes to a pre prep and the school uniform is eye wateringly expensive. Blazer alone is £85
The he has a summer uniform & PE kit (indoor and outdoors) and a winter uniform and PE kit. Mil gave us £1000 for school uniform at the start at school and we laughed thinking it's too much, but tbh we haven't got much spare change from it at all (and we haven't even bought the summer stuff yet!)

We can afford it because our salaries cover it, leaving around £80,000 spare. How can that not afford it?

In case you die apparently 🤔. The private schools I know would help in that circumstance either by reducing fees or setting up a payment plan.

@OnceuponaRainbow18

Quite an insensitive thread.

Try being the poor one in a state school…!

Agree absolutely. Very insensitive. 'poor' on £100,000 a year 😕

What would he pay for mortgage in that scenario though?

In my case the life insurance would pay off the mortgage & that's before death in service.

Which school?

Effectively opting for private school would remove my salary entirely - it would all go on school fees.

I wish women's salaries weren't viewed as the default childcare / child expenses pot.

So don't think of it as spending 'your' salary, think of it as spending £x of your joint income.

You can afford it. You want it. Do it.

I went to a very expensive private school and I was poor- like your kids- and it was sort of fine but also sort of not fine. I couldn’t get the holidays or the endless cash some of my mates had. Just £100s for endless shopping trips/cabs/activities. You want it!? You buy it. It was all so easy.

We’d go shopping in town and they’d think nothing if sinking £30/40 on lunch/snacks. It was way out of my league. I quickly found my sporty tribe so that sort of faded away. But I did feel it a bit. I don’t think it held me back. I am and was confident.

Having said that I made friends for life and on the whole had a great time!

Work out using net figures OP & remember the extra tax next year & the income tax band freezes which will leave less in your pocket.

Depends if you only quantify wealth in £ terms. Personally I see wealth as health and happiness, things money can't buy. £££ is relative of course some people have massive incomes but equally massive out goings.

@Changethefloorthroughout

Iced, I know. I’ve taken the most expensive years (12 and 13) and worked backwards, I’m really not a complete idiot!

All of the things you mention above are expenses at state school too. No state school I know of accepts Asda polos at secondary and while we may not be minor Royals, we can afford a blazer.

I don’t mind sacrificing holidays and so on for them to go on school trips. I just don’t want them feeling inadequate for a week in Cornwall when everyone else was in Monaco.

Iced, I know. I’ve taken the most expensive years (12 and 13) and worked backwards, I’m really not a complete idiot!

I didn't say you were an idiot - lots of people actually don't factor in the huge increases in fees as you go up the school. You also need to think about whether your salaries will go up in line with how fees will go up each year (eg. what it costs for year 13 now won't be what it costs in ten years time).

All of the things you mention above are expenses at state school too. No state school I know of accepts Asda polos at secondary and while we may not be minor Royals, we can afford a blazer.

Many state schools will accept a plain white polo shirt for PE, for example, or black trousers from Tesco. My private school had a patterned skirt you could only buy at the outfitters for nearly £100 a go. Blazers were well over £100 and again, had to be from the outfitters - you couldn't just get a cheaper version and stitch on a badge.

Uniform for one student could easily come to £1000 once you factor in multiple skirts, trousers, shirts, logo'd jumpers, logo'd PE kits (for summer and winter), the cost of things like tennis rackets, hockey sticks, mouth guards, shin pads...

I just think you would struggle on an income of 115k once you factor in all the other expenses of normal life - family holidays, mortgage, cars, bills etc. It doesn't stretch as far as you think it will.

It wasn't uncommon for school ski trips to cost almost 2k per pupil either - of course, you don't need to send them but it's worth thinking about in the long run.

Our mortgage is £800 a month, @Pumperthepumper

I was the poor one at a private school. But it didn't matter honestly!

Surely it’s all about how you raise your children?
If you teach your kids that they are actually very lucky and privileged to get private education and that they already have way more than most children in the world and in the UK and that they should be grateful for what they have rather than envious for what they don’t have, then surely it won’t matter if they are the “poor kids” at school.

Also not sure how old your kids are but wealth competition is a lot more something parents do rather than children. Most kids (even of multi-billionaires) are perfectly capable of not making others feel shitty for having less and the ones who do are usually only emulating their parents.

Kids care more about finding common points and tend to have very little grasp of how rich they are unless it’s drilled into them and kids tend to be into the same things (things people are into at their age) and most of those things are completely unrelated to wealth/doesn’t require wealth to appreciate.

Also, there is no shame in being poor, but it would be a real shame if your kids genuinely felt “poor” when they are not one bit. How they feel and will feel about their social status will have a lot more to do with you though than who their classmates are.

@notanothertakeaway yes at the age of 15 I was clearly aware that those who had boats and second homes had money and those that didn't had less money. My point is that those things didn't change our friendships or how we treated one another.

@Changethefloorthroughout

Our mortgage is £800 a month, *@Pumperthepumper*

So that’ll eat into his mythical 45k too. As well as pensions contributions, council tax and so on. It’s not just 30k on school fees and 45k to play with. If we’re being pedantic.

My child is definitely the poorest child in my her private school, there on a academic scholarship and I'm a line parent on working benefits, so far I have found everyone to be lovely and it makes no difference when I turn up in my everyday normal car and there in there flashy ones, nor do the teachers treat her differently from any paying pupil, at the moment we are only year 2 but I it's a small school with small classes and I don't see any problems going forward, also not everyone is mega rich lots of the children live in normal 3/4 bed semi's with parents who just put education first

@NatriumChloride

I’m going to go against the grain here and ask if you’re sure you can afford private school at all on £100,000….

Of course you can! DH earns about £70,000, I work part time (10 hours a week) minimum wage. Our daughter goes to private school, not a really well known one, just middle of the range but has good results and wonderful pastoral care. She has never missed out on a trip. However, we live in a two bed flat and only have one car which is nine years old. We have prioritised her educational needs and made sacrifices in other areas. She has some super-rich children at her school and also quite a few who are on scholarships. Not once has she ever been made to feel inferior in any way. When I go to collect her, my little Kia is surrounded by Range Rovers and Beemers and not a single parent has ever even so much as looked sideways at my car before having a chat.

Children most certainly do recognise money differences. I mixed with wealthier children for part of my childhood. My parents were probably lower-middle class if you were to categorise them. Both professionals, one with a degree, good income between them but not fantastic.

I definitely noticed the difference. We had the smaller car, smaller house, lesser postcode, I had less designer clothing and a less posh accent.

I made friends but I always felt different and when given the opportunity I shyed away from socialising with them through fear I wasn't good enough. I bonded much better with those from my background.

Maybe it was just my personal insecurities but I do think kids pick up on differences, especially less confident children.

Having said that, my cousin had a similar set up and had no problem with mixing with wealthier kids.