To wonder if our children would be the ‘poor’ ones at private school

[Changethefloorthroughout]

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

Really depends who you're talking to,
Private school is much the same as state, there will be some families who are not spectacularly well off who have made a lot of cut backs to ensure that their children's school fees are attainable, there will be children there on bursaries who live in council properties and have a very different life out of school, there will also be families who have huge, huge incomes. There will be families who might view you as poor, and don't be fooled- there's always going to be a few kids who have better than everyone and will go out of their way to make that known (regardless of which school!)

Just imagine the poor children whose parents earn over 100k . Just send them to a state school with us common folks if you are that worried.

@ShanghaiDiva

My dd attends a private school in the south west and fees are circa 15k per year. Clearly there are some very wealthy families: holidays in Barbados last Xmas, ponies, holiday homes etc, but equally plenty of pupils from families where they holiday in Cornwall, live in a semi etc. Dd doesn’t seem bothered by the disparity in incomes. Dd and her friends spend time together going to pizza express for birthday parties, rummaging in charity shops, going to the cinema etc

That's interesting. My earlier post about the public school my husband taught in and where two of our children went, on reduced fees and were unaware of other's backgrounds wealth. That was in South West. Wonder if it depends on geographical area? Maybe less attention paid to this in rural areas. I would say that, wen our youngest was at the local comp, possibly there was more awareness of backgrounds as kids seem to form friendships with children from similar backgrounds so pretty obvious who were the middle class kids, the children from council estate etc.

My DC have between them attended a few of the ‘well known’ senior schools. In all honesty, at those schools then yes, you may be one of the poorest. But no-one gives a flying fuck. One of my DC was besties with a girl whose extended family lived in a small terrace where sleepovers meant a blow-up in the living room. And another DC was invited to go via private jet to a mate’s family chalet in the US. They didn’t differentiate, and I was way more impressed with the family sacrificing everything for education than the rich families that didn’t really care.
It’s is possibly no coincidence that none of my DC measure people by their wealth, and none of them value material things. And that’s fine by me.

@PoppityInThe

YABU x 1000

They will definitely not be the 'poor ones' at private school with that income.

Why would you say that? £100k a year isn't a high income amongst private school parents by a long way.

I think you’ll find that they’ll have peers who have an income about the same as yours, and peers who come from incredibly wealthy backgrounds. Like fly first class multiple times a year, have homes in multiple countries with staff kind of wealth. And everything in between. They won’t ALL be filthy rich. Wealth will be noted. “Mum did you know Xxxx has a nanny for every kid??.” My kids have been at two international schools in 2 countries and it’s not really been an issue. In fact boasting about wealth is seen as kind of try hard. Granted I’ve not been in the UK.

We do it. I've just always prioritised my DC's education over everything else. We don't buy things other people take for granted.
Low mortgage by living in smaller house in non gentrified area
Only one car, no PCP.
No non mortgage debts at all.
Grandparents pay for uniforms
Trips are that year's birthday/Christmas present
Clothes from charity shops
Cheap phones, no big TV packages
No pets
No insurance other than house/ car
Very rare holiday abroad
Buy food in discount aisle/ semi vegi
House doesn't get done up even though kitchen/ bathroom 30 years old
Never go to hairdressers/ salons
Don't go out for meals often and if we do only in wetherspoons
Very rare nights out drinking/ socialising

I'm happy with the choices I've made and believe DC will benefit from it for decades to come.

Yes they will be , that is a stretch on that income ! There will be kids with enormous houses / second homes etc . How will you afford 2 x private school and all the extra activities money and your mortgage on £100k?

I don’t think it’s a stupid question.

I was one of the ‘poor’ kids at a private school (I got a scholarship). Honestly, it was pretty miserable for a number of reasons:

1. It made money tight at home. Which meant that in my parents’ minds my educational achievements and their finances were intertwined, which led to a huge amount of pressure and guilt on me. Our home life was so tense. To be fair they weren’t as well off as you and your husband. And as a parent I think it’s important to recognise that it’s your choice to use a private school, not your kid’s choice.
2. It wasn’t nice being the kid in charity shop clothes while everyone else was in branded stuff. I used to pull sickies on non-uniform days.
3. I never wanted to have friends round to our house because it was so different to their houses.

I think a lot depends on the school. It sounds like it’s a pretty ‘minor private school’ so it might be that your income would be fairly normal amongst the other parents. Obviously at one of the major public schools it might be different.

I teach in an independent school with similar fees. Your kids will be fine. You aren’t looking at Eton type boarding and, whilst there will be some very wealthy families, there will be many on incomes similar to yours, some on much less who receive bursaries or who have generous grandparents. At our school, many teachers’ children are students so definitely not the super rich. This is possible due to staff getting a 50% discount. If you teach, can you keep an eye out for jobs at your preferred school? I’ve been teaching for over 20 years and made the move from state education a few years ago. Life changing

Stealth boast! I was the poor kid at private school...it was awful. The"in" kids had money. Its an exclusive cklub. However, on that amount of cash they will be ok.

Club

@Changethefloorthroughout

But it is relative *@LagunaBubbles*, which is the whole point of the thread. £100000 is untold wealth in some quarters and absolute poverty if you are best mates with Bill Gates and Elton John.

I’m not 100% sure if you’re talking prep or secondary as I think there is a difference re demographics. In our area, the state primaries are very good so there are lots of professional couples who go state and then private for secondary at the day schools. The demographics for the boarding schools are much more ‘monied’ and that is the difference of paying fees of 18k versus 40k a year.

I would feel anxious paying fees on £115k but your mortgage is comparatively low for your income which is probably why your day to day costs aren’t worrying you. Mine is triple yours. We have decided we’d like to do private secondary but want to save during the primary years so we’re only ever doing one set of fees out of income. I wouldn’t go into it unless I could reach a good level of savings before as I don’t want the stress of having such large fixed costs coming from income alone.

@Changethefloorthroughout

For either of us, being made redundant or not being able to work is really highly unlikely. I mean I don’t want to tempt fate and never say never but you could make the same argument against a mortgage and people don’t not buy houses because they might not be able to work.

OP its good decision to invest in children's education. One of my friend s children attend very elite school and she pays around 35k each term for her two children.But whole family is so down to earth and live in big mansion.They are so welcoming. It will be fine.i think its general perception about wealthy people but not all of them make you feel poor. We can't afford private schools even we are earning £90k but are paying for private tutions for our children. we have three children so its hard on our salary.

Given that it’s currently £28k for 2 kids in the most expensive year I think you’ll find there are plenty of other families in your income bracket. Would suspect the mega bucks families in your area probably send their kids to big name boarding schools.
On the question of affordability, please don’t ignore the importance of saving for pension in your monthly budget.

I think it’s hard. Just started my eldest at prep. DH on about 120k gross - I’m self employed so take home net £50k is that about £70k gross?! Fees just over £1k a month will be sending the second so it’ll be about 2.5k net a month!! It’s a huge amount of money and I’m shitting it!
We live in an expensive area (In comparison to a lot of the parents at the private school) so have a modest house but the value of our house is high cos of postcode and we drive a 6 year old car. So far I’ve found it ‘ok’ definitely a lot of people I don’t relate to but actually find the people in my postcode who send their kids to end excellent local state school appear richer than some of them. Lots business owners but also some lawyers and medics not on so much.

What I am shocked at is single income households and single children - so people with multiple children generally not sending their kids to prep school.

@Switch82

I think it’s hard. Just started my eldest at prep. DH on about 120k gross - I’m self employed so take home net £50k is that about £70k gross?! Fees just over £1k a month will be sending the second so it’ll be about 2.5k net a month!! It’s a huge amount of money and I’m shitting it! We live in an expensive area (In comparison to a lot of the parents at the private school) so have a modest house but the value of our house is high cos of postcode and we drive a 6 year old car. So far I’ve found it ‘ok’ definitely a lot of people I don’t relate to but actually find the people in my postcode who send their kids to end excellent local state school appear richer than some of them. Lots business owners but also some lawyers and medics not on so much.

What I am shocked at is single income households and single children - so people with multiple children generally not sending their kids to prep school.

If there's such an excellent state in your postcode then why on Earth are you paying and bricking it?

In my experience the only person who will have an issue with how much you earn is you, as the children don’t care much. I would say this with the caveat I would not want to be the only family that does not have any holidays, or to be able to do activities. School uniform is a great leveller. I also think you do not to make friends with other parents to feel comfortable. I think atmosphere does massively depend on the school. At ours the vast majority are both-working professional parents, and they work Hard. Which has actually triggered a high level of awareness in my DC of what they could achieve professionally themselves. We have had interesting conversations about wealth, and the decisions most people have made in their lives to get there. In our case it helps that we live in a very mixed area, so DC are not in a gilded bubble, and can see for themselves that some people have more money and some people have less.

Well we are in the process of applying for a bursary for DD to attend a private school and we earn less than half of what you do. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. You're loaded in my eyes.

The state was excellent to a point but there has been some issues around the academic kids just being left to stagnate. Now we’ve moved the eldest to the prep we can see the big difference between the standard of education (DC is catching up now and is very bright so always would). The Senior School is academically selective private school so we believe putting in prep for last two years will get them to the right level for the secondary school.

Also we come from an ethnic background and we want to put the kids in the best position possible not to derail the thread but due to the work DH and I do we see the true value of private education. I can’t see social mobility equalising / race related work issues not occurring in their lifetimes sadly so want to get them in the best position.

We are in south east and no way would they feel like the poor kids.

DC goes to private school and her friends range from family of 5 in small rented 2 bed flat, to kid having own suite with dressing room etc.

Categorically at NO point have we been made to feel poor.

There will always be someone with more than you - whatever school you go to. (And probably someone with less).

Go for it. It's worked really well for us.

@paimio

I was that kid. My parents couldn’t afford private school fees but my grandparents wanted me to go to a private school so they paid. I felt it a little but overall it didn’t bother me.

It is all relative though. Our household income is £500k+ and DP is concerned we can’t afford it and DC will be ‘poor’ in comparison to his peers.