To wonder if our children would be the ‘poor’ ones at private school

[Changethefloorthroughout]

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

So, my point was that there is a demographic for private schools usually compiled by their marketing dept. And from that we know the average salary, the type of car, the newspapers, the pets, loads of stuff.

But so what? You don’t have a clue to as to the range of salaries, nor individual salaries.

Of course the basic demographic - the average punter - for most private schools will be reasonably well off. This is hardly some revelation.

The fact (yes, fact) remains that there’s a range and the OP will be amongst a similar, significant cohort.

What, actually, is your position on this thread?

I think I’ve been pretty clear on my position: the op can afford private school. Their children will be at the less-wealthy end of the private school cohort, and it’ll depend on the school as to how less-wealthy they are.

It’s getting a bit tiresome being told I’m wrong and an annoyance - while at the same time being asked for justifications and my opinions. What do you want from me?

I think I’ve been pretty clear on my position: the op can afford private school. Their children will be at the less-wealthy end of the private school cohort, and it’ll depend on the school as to how less-wealthy they are.

But you’re not just saying that. You’re attaching a judgment to that and strongly implying that the OP shouldn’t consider it.

Whereas most people who actually have direct experience - either as that student or as parent - are saying it’s actually fine.

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

I think I’ve been pretty clear on my position: the op can afford private school. Their children will be at the less-wealthy end of the private school cohort, and it’ll depend on the school as to how less-wealthy they are.

But you’re not just saying that. You’re attaching a judgment to that and strongly implying that the OP shouldn’t consider it.

Whereas most people who actually have direct experience - either as that student or as parent - are saying it’s actually fine.

No, I’m not. You made that up.

And I have direct experience. And I’m sure it will be fine. But I answered the question the OP asked.

I was that kid. My parents couldn’t afford private school fees but my grandparents wanted me to go to a private school so they paid. I felt it a little but overall it didn’t bother me.

It is all relative though. Our household income is £500k+ and DP is concerned we can’t afford it and DC will be ‘poor’ in comparison to his peers.

I haven’t made anything up. Your posts are here in black and white for everyone to read. Maybe you need to go back and have a re-read.

Wow. I just can’t believe your household income is £500k+ @paimio

How do you get to earn that much? Genuine question.

Next question, am well qualified but worked in ‘worthy’ jobs all my life. Time for a bloody change methinks. Please put in a good word in your company?! I’m nice too!

It is all relative though. Our household income is £500k+ and DP is concerned we can’t afford it and DC will be ‘poor’ in comparison to his peers.

I'm surprised your household income is £500k and one of the adults in the home thinks that means they can't afford private schooling for the kids and that the kids will be poor... because it isn't something many people earning that amount of money (so clearly capable and bright) would be so foolish as to think those things!

I haven’t read the full thread but stop deducting school fees from gross salary. You pay school fees from net salary. That makes a huge difference to most school fee payers as they are nearly always in the higher tax bracket so have to earn double the fees just to clear them.

Don’t underestimate extras. Uniform costs £1,000, overseas trips cost £2,000. Almost every week there is another email about another cost that is going to be added to the bill. If in prep, your child will want to do ballet with her friends, or Lamda with his friends, or learn the trumpet, that’s another £1,000 per activity, per year . It goes on and on.

From saying you still pay for childcare, it sounds like you’re a long way from paying for senior schools. Please be aware that annual school fee increases drastically outstrip any inflationary pay rises you might get. If you think you might be able to afford it now, you won’t by the time they’re in senior school unless you are due some hefty pay jumps.

You will likely be on your own in using such a high percentage of your income on school fees. To my mind, you’ve not done the maths properly and it would be insanity to commit to an independent school on your income. In my experience nearly all those at independent schools are either eligible for bursaries, wealthy (earning at least double your incomes) or super wealthy. Middle earners can’t afford independent education any more. It’s not like when our parents were our age.

You mention TPS. Teaching at an independent school could give you 50% fee reduction or more. I’d look at that if you’re determined to go private.

OP I am a single mum. I earn 125k a year and send my DD12 to an all girls private school.

There is also another single mum in her year and plenty of parents who are divorced.

Majority of parents are in tech, surgeons etc.

There are no super wealthy parents, privileged yes of course, anyone who can send their kids to private school is.

It really comes down to what kind of private school it is. Send them. If you can afford it, do it.

@CherryBlossomAutumn It is almost entirely down to DP. He has a senior position in professional services, but is a lot older than me and will probably retire in ten years (which is when DC will enter secondary). I earn twice the UK average wage but not anywhere near the crazy money he does.

Jeeeesh

I said this in a much wordier post but here in brief: school fees vary MASSIVELY across the country and across different schools.

So posters saying they couldn’t afford private school on £100K is worthless unless we know where they - and OP - are

@paimio thanks for replying! Mmm professional services. Like the sound of that. Does he have a colleague/brother recently divorced? Asking for a friend.

@youvegottenminuteslynn DP’s family really struggled for money when he was growing up. He has worked really hard to get where he is but is always worried he doesn’t have enough money. It’s emotional, not rational.

Flipping Nora - this site sometimes does my head in. Firstly, I’m not rich. Secondly, I don’t have children. Thirdly, I have skimmed the OP’s posts only - but am getting a vague idea of what else has been posted.

To me, it is fairly obvious, even from the very first post, that the OP is not claiming poverty with regards to joint income - I think they realise (without bragging) that they are in a fortunate position to be considering this. Secondly, from reading further posts from the OP, they are not questioning whether or not they could afford the fees in relation to managing their annual budget - the suns have been done and they can manage/adjust accordingly. And again, no bragging about being in a position to do this.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with the question they have asked. OP - I would honestly say that they MAY feel poor in relation to others. As a few people have pointed out, it depends on the school/area etc. There could very well be children from families whose wealth would be unfathomable to many.

There is nothing wrong with the question you have asked. And, TBF, it shows that you are thinking about the impact of your decisions on your children. Just because you are fortunate enough to be in a position that this COULD be an option for your kids, you are weighing up how it could impact on them in the long run.

As I said, I’m not rich and I don’t have kids. But I really dislike the mentality on here sometimes to immediately bash someone with a salary over a certain threshold - and to make them feel shit about trying to figure out what is best for their kids. Because, in today’s SM-driven society, sadly her children might be looked down on even if fortunate enough to attend a private school. Peer pressure can often seem really subtle, but can have quite a big impact/effect.

Sorry OP - no actual real advice, but I just thought you’ve been bashed a bit for asking a question about what is best for your children with regards to your own circumstances and means.

You don't have to publicly declare your income so I can't see why it would a problem. Presumably private school children are going to have good shoes, not be the ones in the hand me down uniforms etc so they won't look any different to the others in the way that some poor children in state schools do. My children mingled with some very wealthy children at their grammar school but they were from very old money and there was never anything showy about them. Surely every parent, whether they choose private or state education, just want the best for their children and aren't going to judge to this extent.

When people say there’s a “broad range” of incomes they mean a handful at most might be in the £80-150k bracket. Most families are earning £500k plus. And some families are earning/have millions.

But it’s not the flashy things that are difficult: it’s easy to have your DCs birthday at the local climbing wall when classmates hire out amusement parks; or dress your DC in Nike when classmates are in kenzo.

The stretch comes when everyone is flying to Antibes for the weekend or they get invited skiing or or there’s a rugby match they want to go to with mates or simply everyone’s come back to yours after a day out and they want £150 of sushi for dinner and you’re just reciprocating what happens in every other house.

Not being able to do the things that 95% of their peers are doing is tough from a social perspective.

No one’s being mean or a bitch but i think it’s tough in those that don’t have means.

OP you also talk about fees costing £28k, leaving you with £80k but you don’t seem to have accounted for the fact you’re paying for those out of taxed income so you must have to earn, what £45k to pay them, leaving you with nearer £65k gross.

You are being ridiculous to think that. A very high proportion of children at any private school are on bursaries as were mine. A certainly didn't feel inferior neither did my children they made great friend and so did I with many of the mums. Yes some of the children lived in castles and mansions but we just made fun of it. all the children were invited to everyone's parties etc. Even the titled parents who are near enough to the royal family to be invited to all their weddings were more than welcoming and always very friendly.

@NoAprilFool

Jeeeesh

I said this in a much wordier post but here in brief: school fees vary MASSIVELY across the country and across different schools.

So posters saying they couldn’t afford private school on £100K is worthless unless we know where they - and OP - are

Unless you read the thread and see that the OP stated the fees would be £28k/year for both DC. But thanks for your opinion

@paimio

I was that kid. My parents couldn’t afford private school fees but my grandparents wanted me to go to a private school so they paid. I felt it a little but overall it didn’t bother me.

It is all relative though. Our household income is £500k+ and DP is concerned we can’t afford it and DC will be ‘poor’ in comparison to his peers.

Your DP sounds like an idiot. £500k is an income that can certainly support private education.

Relatively speaking, we can all be richer or poorer.

It's your job to teach them that and how to handle it. And teach yourself.

@Corcory

You are being ridiculous to think that. A very high proportion of children at any private school are on bursaries as were mine. A certainly didn't feel inferior neither did my children they made great friend and so did I with many of the mums. Yes some of the children lived in castles and mansions but we just made fun of it. all the children were invited to everyone's parties etc. Even the titled parents who are near enough to the royal family to be invited to all their weddings were more than welcoming and always very friendly.

I agree with all of this - it's been my experience too.

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas

Children, even those ones influenced by snotty parents really don't make friends based on money. We all make friends on what the other person is about.

Yep, this is very true. We're nowhere near as rich as some of my son's friends' parents. I mean by this, own big companies, have helicopters, hired a butler for their child for a month rich. There are also parents who are less financially well off than us. None of them care.

However, this is at a private school, not a public school. I'm not sure whether the class factor would make things operate differently at somewhere like Eton or Harrow, for instance.

Whether your family income stacks up against the income of other families is one question, and whether your child will feel at home in the school are two separate questions.

The answer to your question really depends on your own child's personality.