To wonder if our children would be the ‘poor’ ones at private school

[Changethefloorthroughout]

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

**This couldn't be further from the truth. The vast majority of the mums at my DDs school are professional women with busy careers who 'share' parenting - the school facilitates working parents with flexibility and amazing extra curricular programmes.

This is also completely the case where I work. Actually, I worked in a state school where a lot less of the mums worked and there was an amazingly active parents' association as it was just a very different sort of area. Private schools often have great wrap around care in primary (I'm not sure what age OP's children are) which I think is probably is a factor in parents choosing those schools.

@igglepigglegingin

OP this is entirely dependent on where you are. If the state secondary schools are poor in your area you will find families of all walks of life in the classroom with your children - if the private school is nearby to an excellent school state system, potentially not so much.

My children attend private school in an area of fantastic primary and shocking state provision. The result is a huge intake at secondary.

Your salary, in the north for a good independent is fine. And your kids will be fine.

This is the most accurate post on this thread.

We are similar income and one child at a small independent, fees around £10k/year and recently paid off mortgage. I am v much working class. DH was privately educated but this was sought out for a number of reasons, it wasn’t a given for them or in the family.

We are definitely at the lower and of the scale in terms of wealth within our class, but as with any school setting it’s the luck of the draw in most senses. In just over 4 terms (through covid) I’ve realised that we have a great bunch of kids and they play with who they like. A couple of the mums are arses/cliquey, but you’d get that in any setting. A couple are snooty/aloof, but I don’t let it get to me. One of the most wealthy mums is the most lovely and I adore her, she’s a really nice person. Many families have planned skiing holidays this Christmas, but for many reasons (and money not being one) it’s not our bag. I very much try not to “conform”, we just do us and that’s all I expect of others. But I know there’s at least some “keeping up with the Jones’s” going on.

I know we’re not the poorest. But equally I know that our finances are solid, and I wonder sometimes if some of these families are building a house of cards. But at the same time I try not to think about it too often, mostly because it’s none of my business.

I am aware that at some point DD may ask why our house is smaller than some of her friends. But equally we have a lot of friends out of the independant school setting and I think it’s really important for us to continue to have that diversity, plus the parents of all her non school friends are my mates!

I think if you know you can afford it, then it’s a fabulous opportunity. However, in my limited experience (DD is young) the biggest differences are resources; like arts and crafts and iPads/technology and books, and the staff ratios are exceptional.

If we had 2 DC there would be no way we could afford it without sacrifices (and two hypothetical kids would really have been the “poor” ones), so I would have gone down the state route but supplemented more with tutors and clubs as that would have been more feasible.

@Changethefloorthroughout

How do you KNOW parental income just from working there though Pumper?

Actually don’t tell me … I don’t think I want to know! I’m smelling something goady.

Because I worked there. What’s the goady answer?

Why are people saying this post is insensitive?? Is it the OPs fault that so many of us are poor? Obviously not.

This is an open forum for everyone to use, not just poor people so the majority of posters are able to relate. If you don't have anything to add why comment just to take the piss. It's so childish

Your monthly income doesnt only need to cover the mortgage.

It needs to cover rising costs of food, transport, council tax, a phone/internet connection, gas, water and electricity. Having savings for home repairs, emergencies, buying clothes for you all, gifts.

Remember that salaries tend not to rise so meteorically in the second half of your career as the first.

Look at your bank balance. How much do you have spare every month now. Will it cover it, comfortably? Or are you relying on major lifestyle cut backs?

No one is saying you can't afford it, on paper. They are saying the impact it would have on your family budget would be much more significant than most families that afford private.

Well I'm not going to out myself but you can list your employment history....

I never said the majority had an income of 110k as thats dependent on the location & fees but many parents are not rolling in it.

I think some are giving you an unnecessary hard time OP!
I’ve limited experience of private myself but round here it’s about £1k a month which is a lot considering we’re in a low wage area but friends who’s DC’s attend the only private school say there’s a huge mix of local children and international and that’s where the wealth divide is tbh. Most kids are nice but you always get the odd one or two and they say it’s more about teaching your children to choose friends wisely.
And I think that’s true if you attend state or private! Good luck.

Both my DC went to boarding school. There were royalty and students on full scholarships from poor families due to their talent may that be sporting, musical or academic...children will 'almost' always migrate to their own tribe. The school was also very diverse as far as cultures and nationalities are concerned, which was the environment we were looking for.
My DC particularly enjoyed all their school had to offer on extracurricular level as well as academic.
As a teacher, my take on private schooling is this...if you live close to good schools and your children are bright enough then save your money. If they do have particular talents then go for a private school that will best support those talents.

@OnceuponaRainbow18 if your not interested in private schooling then why even click on the thread

@gattey

Well I'm not going to out myself but you can list your employment history....

I never said the majority had an income of 110k as thats dependent on the location & fees but many parents are not rolling in it.

You said they wouldn’t be in the lower-income bracket of a private school. Which would indicate that the majority of parents in schools you worked in had that combined income. Which I can’t believe to be true.

FYI only a couple of us in the year are SAHM at DS’ school - most mothers work

[quote gattey]@icedcoffees I can't keep up! [/quote]
it's fine, honestly!

I've had a long week at work, just counting down until I shut for my Christmas break now!

And would agree with @Pumperthepumper that's it's surprising OP can afford private school with that household income- however I'm sure OP has done the maths and has worked out she can afford it. I don't see the point in arguing it. Maybe her other outgoings are super low for some reason.

Pumper, you’ve managed to beautifully make this thread about you but anyway, you teach, yes? I teach as well and I haven’t a clue what my students’ income levels are! I mean yes, I’ve an idea that some are fairly financially comfortable and some aren’t, but I certainly don’t know exact salaries. I know who the PP are, but that’s it.

@sparklytriceratops

And would agree with *@Pumperthepumper* that's it's surprising OP can afford private school with that household income- however I'm sure OP has done the maths and has worked out she can afford it. I don't see the point in arguing it. Maybe her other outgoings are super low for some reason.

I didn’t say it was surprising they could afford it.

@Changethefloorthroughout

Pumper, you’ve managed to beautifully make this thread about you but anyway, you teach, yes? I teach as well and I haven’t a clue what my students’ income levels are! I mean yes, I’ve an idea that some are fairly financially comfortable and some aren’t, but I certainly don’t know exact salaries. I know who the PP are, but that’s it.

Do you teach in a private school?

Not only has OP done the maths, OP has done the maths on this thread and worked out that Mr OP can afford it on Mr OPs salary alone

Click on ‘show OPs posts.’

@Silverswirl

We earn the same OP 1 don’t have a huge mortgage really but couldn’t afford a private school. Even if we managed we would be scraping every last penny so yes, we would be the poor ones. I never wanted that for my children. Horrible feeling like everyone else has stuff and people treating you like that (which kids would do in secondary) Horrible going round to others houses and looking at the huge house and coming back to your smaller house. We have a 4 bed detached in a lovely area and I would hate to think of my kids coming home thinking it wasn’t enough. It’s not just the feeling poor, it’s the level of sheer entitlement and privilege that would annoy and worry me

That's made me a bit sad. As I posted up-thread, we live in a 2-bed flat and drive a fairly crummy old car. We pretty much scrape together every last penny to send our daughter to private school. She doesn't feel awful coming home, doesn't think it isn't "enough" because her mum and dad live here and she is happy and loved! She dresses (by choice) in Matalan and supermarket clothes mostly and often hand-me-downs from her cousins. She doesn't care, as she says - it's just clothes to wear to stop you wandering about cold and naked! Taking her shopping is a nightmare because she just doesn't want anything. She wants to go to the park or play board games with us! We've taught her values other than monetary ones and she is well aware that the fact she is loved, has a roof over her head and has a full tummy is more than enough. Her best friend came to stay recently, she's an overseas student of incredible wealth who dresses only in designer clothes and has the best of everything. She loved it here in our tiny flat! She also has lots of very rich friends at school, she has never EVER been made to feel inferior because of what she wears or where she lives. And I can honestly say, our daughter is almost certainly one of the most content with her life!

The knowledge that there is more to life than money and that happiness and self-worth and contentment with what you have is invaluable. She has less than some and more than others and hey-ho, ain't that life?!

I was the poor one at private school. I've sent my kids private.

Our income isn't much above yours op (but that's because it's tax efficient and for health reasons I can't work how I used to), we do have assets. It's totally doable and it's very grounding for kids to know the value of money. But equally exposure to some of the wealth I saw as a child made me very determined to succeed financially.

Very much depends which school you are looking at, ive heard of rich overseas students burning £20 notes at the local public school. The more academic day school (which is half the fees) is a real mix. Some parents are very rich others not so much. Lots of 2 working parent families though.

I would say you can afford it. Many do it on much less.

@Changethefloorthroughout

Not only has OP done the maths, OP has done the maths on this thread and worked out that Mr OP can afford it on Mr OPs salary alone

Click on ‘show OPs posts.’

But the thread isn’t about whether or not you can afford it. It’s whether your kids will be in the less-wealthy of their peers. And the answer is: yes.

Autumn leaves om sorry you had that experience.
I do have experience and in my school that wasn't true.

@icedcoffees me too, roll on the end of term!

That’s very noble @KittyKattyFosterMummy but I do think to an extent if misses the point. Money isn’t the most important thing in the world and you can’t buy happiness, but you do need some money to have choice, freedom and opportunity and I think it’s naive to say otherwise, I’m afraid.

@Changethefloorthroughout I don't wish to be unduly pessismistic & I hope it doesn't happen to you.

I too hadn't been put in a redundancy pool until a couple of years ago, but then after 30 years of working I was. I l survived it this time but I am sure it will only be another couple of years until it happens again.

The older you get, the more likely you are to be made redundant. It's a combination of the younger people coming up seeing you as "other" or "dead wood" and the higher salary you earn which can be replaced with a lower salary.

Restructure is also one of those things that people like to do - they want to make their mark, put it on their CV, feel they've made a difference.

Have a look around and see how many people there are in their 50s and 60s in your place of work. Where do you think they are?

@Changethefloorthroughout

But the word ‘poor’ was immediately followed by at private school.

Don’t you teach English?

Don't you have manners or do you stop needing those with a 6 figure salary?