To wonder if our children would be the ‘poor’ ones at private school

[Changethefloorthroughout]

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

Yes I know Pumper but as you know, since you were one of them, quite a few posts have focused to the point of obsession about the incredulity that it is affordable at all.

Dollbaby, thinking the op's post is crass does not make me childish

I'd be more worried about them not knowing how to relate to normal people tbh

@Changethefloorthroughout

Yes I know Pumper but as you know, since you were one of them, quite a few posts have focused to the point of obsession about the incredulity that it is affordable at all.

No, I didn’t. You jumped on one post I made when I answered a direct question, but at no point have I indicated you couldn’t afford it.

At the school where I work, the fees are similar to the ones you quote. My DD is in Year 11, we are in similar income bracket to you, I think DD would say she feels very average in terms of lifestyle etc. She has plenty of very comfortable friends, a few very wealthy, but also lots who are on a lower income. It’s really not an issue.

It isn’t rude to ask someone if they teach English. Rainbow does, IIRC. She took two words out of a longer sentence to change the meaning of that sentence. It isn’t rude to point out that this is what is being done.

Lots of parents struggle, but manager to have 2 children in full time nursery at the same time, which costs similar to 2 (regular, not Eton style) private schools.

The difference is that for nursery, it's usually only for a couple of years where is so expensive (and slightly cheaper due to tax free childcare etc), but you get very normal families, on very normal involves, who just tighten their belt (a lot) and manage. If someone wants to do that for longer, then that's up to them. Not that it sounds like the OP would particularly have to.

There'll be a range of incomes and circumstances of each family.

Op it sounds as if you could afford it, and have enough left over for a nice, if materially cautious, lifestyle. Whether your children feel poor or not is largely down to the demographics and wealth culture at the school.

Near me there are a number of fairly average, 20k-a-year-for-senior private schools that seem to attract children from relatively 'normal' backgrounds as well as wealthy ones.

(As a comparison to you, we are on a joint salary of about 85k but with no mortgage. I am quite certain, and this is partly from my own experience as an alumna of one of said schools, that our children would fit in ok at one of these.)

However, there is another, well-known, somewhat notorious public school near us that attracts the offspring of celebrities and oligarchs. Several of my best friends happen to have children there so I hear snippets of what goes on and it does seem as if their kids feel poor there. Which is ludicrous given that their parents are probably on at least your income. It's not an experience I would choose for my children but hey ho different strokes and all that 🤷🏻‍♀️.

We have opted for state and therefore had enough money to pay for frills. We're in a privileged position of having a choice of several good state schools and colleges on our doorstep. There actually happens to be a fair number of very wealthy families at their school; there is a great diversity of backgrounds and I value their experience of being part of this.

At any private school, there will be moments when you might feel as if you live in a bubble of privileged families where every other child has a pony or goes skiing every winter but you'll have to suck that up and give your head a wobble from time to time and remind yourself that you have chosen to put your children into that environment.

One final word... do not underestimate the cost of teenagers! They are astronomically expensive to keep, even the ones at state schools and I'd be interested if the people on here who say their children don't mind are actual grabby, materialistic, image-obsessed teenagers yet. so bear that in mind for future budgeting...!

OP just ignore pumper

[quote Pumperthepumper]@Changethefloorthroughout and again, I’m not saying you can’t afford it. Hang on, I’ll write it out properly:

YOU CAN AFFORD PRIVATE SCHOOL FOR YOUR TWO CHILDREN

But you asked if they’d be amongst the less wealthy, and with 30% of your combined salaries going on school fees, they would be.[/quote]
But the entire point is that they’d be among the less wealthy.

Because there will be other less wealthy there.

Just like the OP.

As I have been reiterating over and over again, there are a range of incomes at any private school.

There will also be people less well off than the OP.

@LoveGrooveDanceParty so what’s your answer to the question ‘will they be among the less wealthy?’

30% of your joint salaries is a lot to pay for school fees. What are the state schools like around you

But people need houses. If your children need private school - because the local states are terrible, for example - then that’s a different conversation. But your family salary isn’t high enough that your kids won’t notice a difference.

But you only earn 30k. If he lost his 90k salary, how long could you pay the fees?

Oh so worse then. If you lost your 40k job it’d be almost 50% of his salary

it’s still a massive chunk of your combined salaries, and your children will still be aware of that financial sacrifice, and they’ll be aware of how that makes them different to their friends

at no point have I indicated you couldn’t afford it

Anyway, must sleep. It’s been interesting. I’m sure while I was going through the thread there have been more interesting misreadings and misunderstandings galore. According to the thread I enjoy both untold riches and untold poverty. Both are true, it just depends how rich YOU are!

My DH and I are teachers and earn over 100k between us. We also have a small mortgage and a 50% fee reduction and it’s still been a struggle. I think if you’ve got two children that’s one salary spoken for. I’d think carefully.

@Changethefloorthroughout

30% of your joint salaries is a lot to pay for school fees. What are the state schools like around you

But people need houses. If your children need private school - because the local states are terrible, for example - then that’s a different conversation. But your family salary isn’t high enough that your kids won’t notice a difference.

But you only earn 30k. If he lost his 90k salary, how long could you pay the fees?

Oh so worse then. If you lost your 40k job it’d be almost 50% of his salary

it’s still a massive chunk of your combined salaries, and your children will still be aware of that financial sacrifice, and they’ll be aware of how that makes them different to their friends

at no point have I indicated you couldn’t afford it

Anyway, must sleep. It’s been interesting. I’m sure while I was going through the thread there have been more interesting misreadings and misunderstandings galore. According to the thread I enjoy both untold riches and untold poverty. Both are true, it just depends how rich YOU are!

Absolutely none of those indicate you can’t afford it, apart from maybe the two that were direct responses to a question you asked me about your salaries.

I’m guessing this is going to be a big issue for you if you decide to go ahead, I’d suggest you grow a much, much thicker skin for your children’s sake.

A lot of people on this thread seem to think that the cost of their local private schools are the same as in the OP’s area. I’m sure OP has looked into the fees. There is a huge variation across the country.

DH and I were both state educated, so I can only share the experience of my DD’s private school. We hadn’t intended to go private but there was literally no wrap around care available with the state options, and we were already used to shelling out about the same in nursery fees. Would have been nice to have had the extra, but didn’t miss it.

We’re on roughly similar income OP and are at the lower end of the wealth scale. But it really doesn’t matter. We can still afford uniform (although there’s a thriving second hand market - that everyone uses, no stigma, for uniforms and sports equipment), we can afford trips. Maybe not every single one - but there are very few parents who agree to every trip anyway.

I can assure Pumperthepumper that no staff at school have any idea what our income is. Why would they???

I would recommend choosing your school carefully, DD’s school is quite large so there’s a huge mix of backgrounds and income. And interests, lots of opportunities to find your tribe.

Most of the kids in her class have 2 working parents, I think only 2 (out of 26) don’t. I’m not saying that the experience of PP is incorrect, only that their experiences are their own, schools vary widely, so choose carefully.

We haven’t regretted it for a moment.

Interesting threat. I’ve been debating private school, we earn about the same as you. We’re a few years off this decision but I am worried about losing our comfortable lifestyle to spend most of our disposable income on school fees…OP do you think on a £100k combined income school fees for 4 children is affordable?

Wow pumper give it a rest! ffs.

@Changethefloorthroughout

That’s very noble *@KittyKattyFosterMummy* but I do think to an extent if misses the point. Money isn’t the most important thing in the world and you can’t buy happiness, but you do need some money to have choice, freedom and opportunity and I think it’s naive to say otherwise, I’m afraid.

I totally agree that it can sometimes help to have some money to have choice, freedom and opportunity (although not always), but what I'm trying to say (which was specifically in response to the post I quoted but also refers to your original question) is that it's basically about "feeling" inferior not actually "being" inferior because you only earn a certain amount in comparison to others. Perhaps I was being long-winded by trying to point out that we are far poorer than most at the school but that my daughter in no way feels like the poor child.

So perhaps, in answer to your OP...
"A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me."

I should just have simply replied: From personal experience of the independent system, your children will not feel "poor" unless you send them in with the notion that they are in some way "less" than those with money. And that in my daughter's personal experience of being one of the poorest in her year, she has never felt "poor".

I’m someone who works with a lot of rich people aka millionaires and they are not snobby. Sure some are but they don’t discuss wealth.
Maybe though as they are the lower end of rich and not like jay z rich

At your average independent day school you’ll be pretty normal, if you’re looking at public/boarding school then yes, your concerns would be valid.

@gattey

Is *@Pumperthepumper* actually a teacher 😱

I am, yes.

how do have you access to parents financial information?!