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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if our children would be the ‘poor’ ones at private school

658 replies

Changethefloorthroughout · 11/12/2021 19:56

DH and I have a good joint income of over £100,000 and I’m seriously considering private school for our children.

A worry for me is if they are surrounded by children from much wealthier backgrounds if they would feel ‘poor’. I’m just posting for thoughts from people who know a bit more about the independent system than me.

OP posts:
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 21:28

OP asked if she could afford it - it's right there in the title

No, she didn’t. Can you read? Maybe you should have gone to private school (JOKE!)

Wherearemymarbles · 11/12/2021 21:28

Unless your parents own amazon there is always someone richer

My sons best friend’s family have times rich list wealth. Never been an issue and parents are great.

A friend’s daughter has a full scholarship to st pauls girl school and is very happy there. They don’t have money.

But i guess it depends on the school

icedcoffees · 11/12/2021 21:28

@Changethefloorthroughout

I didn’t ask if we could afford it, *@icedcoffees*. I know we can afford it. I’m asking about how my children would measure up in financial terms. It’s one thing to afford private school, another to feel like the poor relations.
And that will depend entirely on the school, what the rest of your income goes on, the incomes of other students at the school etc.

At some schools, 100k is a drop in the ocean, in others, it's fine.

You clearly want to send your kids anyway, so do it lol.

sjxoxo · 11/12/2021 21:28

I think it would depend on the school too.. some of my uni friends came from serious money & I think 100k wouldn’t scratch the surface in those circles. I’m talking country estates. But that is only the minority of schools I think. It might be tough at times for your kids or you but you could also find that at some stage schools! In certain areas of London & south east you might be comfortable but not be considered rich comparatively to some so I think all relative and wouldn’t worry about it! xo

Christabellaxx · 11/12/2021 21:28

Your children won’t be the poorest . We did two DC in a mix of private and state on much less and found at the private school there was a massive range of expenditures ( I say that because I don’t know what peoples incomes were) . Some people drove older cars and some mums went back to work and didn’t take any kind of expensive holidays and bought the DC uniforms in the second hand uniform shop. Others families drove the newest, expensive cars and DC had the latest phones and all went on ski holidays and summer holidays and all the school trips. Some of those children were the nicest and sometimes not . Occasionally we’d get a whinge about why weren’t we doing the same …. And the answer always was because we can’t afford it . It was a good lesson for our DC. They both loved school and made good friends, some lived in mansions but many did not .Having said all of that we were in a small Scottish town and though expensive the termly fees would be much less Than London and the south east I think.

igglepigglegingin · 11/12/2021 21:29

@igglepigglegingin

OP this is entirely dependent on where you are. If the state secondary schools are poor in your area you will find families of all walks of life in the classroom with your children - if the private school is nearby to an excellent school state system, potentially not so much.

My children attend private school in an area of fantastic primary and shocking state provision. The result is a huge intake at secondary.

Your salary, in the north for a good independent is fine. And your kids will be fine.

*shocking state secondary
Motheroftigers · 11/12/2021 21:29

@Changethefloorthroughout

My thread isn’t about state schools. I don’t understand why you’re so determined to prove we can’t afford private school. We clearly can. We may not be as wealthy as some and the schools may not be as expensive as some, but it isn’t unaffordable!

Both of us do actually have good death in service benefits, to the point that we’d probably be better off if the other died, not that we want that Sad

Because Pumper clearly has an axe to grind.

OP if you have worked out you cab afford it go for it.

And no, your kids won't be seen as the poor family.

sjxoxo · 11/12/2021 21:29

*state not stage!

Silverswirl · 11/12/2021 21:29

We earn the same OP 1 don’t have a huge mortgage really but couldn’t afford a private school.
Even if we managed we would be scraping every last penny so yes, we would be the poor ones.
I never wanted that for my children. Horrible feeling like everyone else has stuff and people treating you like that (which kids would do in secondary)
Horrible going round to others houses and looking at the huge house and coming back to your smaller house.
We have a 4 bed detached in a lovely area and I would hate to think of my kids coming home thinking it wasn’t enough.
It’s not just the feeling poor, it’s the level of sheer entitlement and privilege that would annoy and worry me

gattey · 11/12/2021 21:29

But @Pumperthepumper you're the one who is convinced the OP can't afford it

ThesecondLEM · 11/12/2021 21:30

Our joint income is less than half of the Ops. We have a big mortgage butwe do not consider ourselves to be poor.

Pumperthepumper · 11/12/2021 21:30

@Motheroftigers what axe would that be? Why would I care if the OP sends her kids private or not?

icedcoffees · 11/12/2021 21:30

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

OP asked if she could afford it - it's right there in the title

No, she didn’t. Can you read? Maybe you should have gone to private school (JOKE!)

I'm tired Grin

I also did go to private school and think it was a total waste of my parents' money, lol.

Pumperthepumper · 11/12/2021 21:30

@gattey

But *@Pumperthepumper* you're the one who is convinced the OP can't afford it
When did I say that?
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/12/2021 21:31

@Changethefloorthroughout
My dd was in an outstanding state secondary school and wasn’t happy at all. She felt stifled and stuck. We thought this and paid for extra. Op has the means to send them. Idk why you think otherwise. And they won’t feel like the poor relation as several of us, who actually have kids in private school, have explained.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 11/12/2021 21:32

100K is not that much. You're not going get your kids into a private school filled with proper floppy-haired posh kids.

If you can afford 20K per year, you'd be better off buying a house in a more expensive catchment area. That way you get a good school and a better property.

Motheroftigers · 11/12/2021 21:32

[quote Pumperthepumper]@Motheroftigers what axe would that be? Why would I care if the OP sends her kids private or not?[/quote]
I dont know @Pumperthepumper? You have chased OP all through this thread, why do you care? Why are you so invested?

Pumperthepumper · 11/12/2021 21:34

@Motheroftigers I’m responding to the question posted by the OP on an Internet forum! I’m hardly ‘invested’ and I’m not the one slinging insults around.

Original poster
Changethefloorthroughout · 11/12/2021 21:34

@Pumperthepumper yes, I remember.

In this hypothetical world, I am dead and my £40k salary is no more and all DH has his his - 75000.

and he has no life insurance

or pension payout

or death in service benefit for me

all he has is his own salary, of £75000 or £54,000 in real terms.

54 minus 28 is 26.

then the mortgage which is £10000

so £16,000 left.

so even though I have died so thoroughly that he hasn’t been able to access any of the hundreds of thousands of pounds he’d actually get if I died, he could actually still manage to afford it, pay the mortgage, and have £1300 for other bills and so on, and you’re still adamant this is unaffordable.

It’s getting really daft now and it’s distracting me from other helpful posts.

OP posts:
time2tork · 11/12/2021 21:34

In my experience, barely any private school mums work, they are hugely involved with the school, always volunteering and making things amazing for the children.

If your the parent who is busy with life or working then in my experience I was made to feel like I didn't care about my kids!!

All the other Mums LIVED at the school.

Just thought I'd mention if your having to work to pay for the school.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 11/12/2021 21:34

My state school had dc with swimming pools who came to prom in a helicopter and children of single parents who wore hand me downs. The dc don’t care. The bigger issue is that dc will come from all over so friends in the holidays can be absent as they go home or abroad etc. Don’t talk to dc about your earnings. Dd1 was in awe of her friend’s parents’ earnings as her df was boasting. Dd has no clue what we earn… more than her friend’s parents.

Pumperthepumper · 11/12/2021 21:34

@Motheroftigers sounds like you’ve got an axe to grind, actually.

EIIa · 11/12/2021 21:34

You’ll be fine and there’s a huge mix at a private school anyway

My children as classmates have a surprising amount of teachers kids along with the usual doctor lawyer tropes.

It’s all good.
Nobody cares

You get the odd asshole but that’s it - like everywhere

gattey · 11/12/2021 21:35

OP asked if she could afford it - it's right there in the title

Not the one I read...

Pumperthepumper · 11/12/2021 21:35

[quote Changethefloorthroughout]@Pumperthepumper yes, I remember.

In this hypothetical world, I am dead and my £40k salary is no more and all DH has his his - 75000.

and he has no life insurance

or pension payout

or death in service benefit for me

all he has is his own salary, of £75000 or £54,000 in real terms.

54 minus 28 is 26.

then the mortgage which is £10000

so £16,000 left.

so even though I have died so thoroughly that he hasn’t been able to access any of the hundreds of thousands of pounds he’d actually get if I died, he could actually still manage to afford it, pay the mortgage, and have £1300 for other bills and so on, and you’re still adamant this is unaffordable.

It’s getting really daft now and it’s distracting me from other helpful posts.[/quote]
It was still your scenario. Posted and invented by you, nothing to do with me.

State schools?