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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my partner to take some time off?

91 replies

trombolese · 10/12/2021 23:50

My son broke his leg 3 days ago and is in a full leg cast and isn’t allowed to weight bare at all (he’s 3.5), my nearly 2 year old has a bad chest infection that he’s currently being treated for with basically anything they can give us while at home and is on the brink of hospital stay if he doesn’t improve in the next 1-2 days (not unusual for him) and to top it off I have a low lying placenta so on strict instructions not to lift anything much and I’m on pre-eclampsia watch as of yesterday due to high BP and protein in wee and severe headaches (35w pregnant) so cannot lift either of them nor can I get let my BP get any higher than it is.

My partner works in hospitality which is obviously extremely busy this time of year…he’s also in charge. He has worked over 80 hours/10 days in a row for the past 2 weeks as he’s had lots of staff off isolating/positive with COVID. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to book some time off/to call in sick for the next few days/cut his hours as I physically cannot do much around the house? Especially lifting our kids anywhere at all? Just for reference, this weekend he will be out of the house from 9am to potentially midnight both days and then on an average day he will be out at the same time and in anywhere from 8:30-10:30pm. I am pulling my hair out 🤯 all his staff are back now. My parents are around but they both work and so can’t just come at the drop of a hat (even though they absolutely would and do) but just feel like they’re his responsibility too? And he has so many hours in lieu that he could afford to take a few days off at this point while I’m stressed out my mind? I just need his support right now (and physical support!) and feel like he’s more concerned about work.

OP posts:

KosherDill · 11/12/2021 10:31

@hygtt

Sorry I thought you said you couldn't afford help as you needed to save for paternity leave, which I thought was only 2 weeks? Can't he use his lieu hours for that?

If he's been working that many hours for years, and yet they have so little savings they can't afford to hire some home help, I would question if he is in the right occupation. What is being gained if they are always hand-to-mouth despite all that effort?

Good luck OP.

LannieDuck · 11/12/2021 10:35

If he's worked 10 days straight, then yes he needs the equivalent of a weekend off. And you've also effectively worked 10 days straight looking after the kids... you need a weekend off also.

He may not need or want to take a break. But you need one.

Original poster

trombolese · 11/12/2021 10:41

I love this site 🤣 no one said we were hand to sodding mouth but don’t know if anyones noticed 1) it’s Christmas and 2) we’ve got a baby on the way…..two things very well known for being QUITE expensive. Trust me, if I’d have known a week ago about this impending shit show then I’d have bloody budgeted to pay for hired help but then again, who the heck has £100 a day spare for hired help?! I’m a nanny btw so I know these things ain’t cheap!

Sorry, I don’t mean to be arsey but come on.

OP posts:

Original poster

trombolese · 11/12/2021 10:43

@LannieDuck

If he's worked 10 days straight, then yes he needs the equivalent of a weekend off. And you've also effectively worked 10 days straight looking after the kids... you need a weekend off also.

He may not need or want to take a break. But you need one.

Thank you for this. I really don’t ever see it as work as I love my kids to bits and I’m thankful we are supported by my partners work etc but just in the one moment where we need him to save the day at home instead of at work, I really wish he would.

OP posts:

Cici22 · 11/12/2021 10:45

I think yes you need support. But his job is peak season and it'll be a massive issue for him to take Time off. Especially as he is in charge. come on you surely should know that. You'll need to just stick it out, and get help from family and friends.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 10:46

Sorry I think having to save to afford 2 wks paternity leave & not being able to have any additional help would mean I was struggling & particularly when he's owed so much time off in lieu. 🤷🏻‍♀️

hygtt · 11/12/2021 10:47

And as I said I can understand why he feels insecure about taking time off at this time.

DelphiniumBlue · 11/12/2021 10:48

Surely he is entitled to paternity leave? Not that that helps you right now.
It sounds like he has issues with work, if he can't take paternity leave, can't take the time in lieu and isn't earning enough to pay for you to have some help in an emergency. Do you know for sure that he can't take PL or is that what he is saying?[[https://www.gov.uk/paternity-pay-leave]]
Has he even asked for the PL?
I used to get this with my DH when DC were little. I think it was partly because I looked like I could cope, even while saying I wanted help. I think it looked optional because while saying one thing I was doing another.
If you need to do something drastic, leave the house saying you are going to A&E because of your own condition. Do this before he goes to work. He will then have no option but to suck it up.
He isn't getting it that you physically can't manage by yourself ,and it is not just your problem. Make it his problem. He is not taking you .seriously.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 10:50

Why can't he used his lieu for paternity leave?

Classicblunder · 11/12/2021 10:52

It is really depressing that so many posters think the OP's mum should take time off work rather than her husband. How low are our expectations of fathers when a woman at risk of preeclampsia with a 3 year old with a broken leg and a 2 year old is told she shouldn't look to her husband for support?

Viviennemary · 11/12/2021 10:58

No he can't take time off near Christmas when they are so short staffed. You will have even more problems if he loses his job.

Original poster

trombolese · 11/12/2021 11:04

@Classicblunder

This, 100%. Why should my parents take time off from THEIR jobs to help? They already do and do so much to help us. It’s exactly the same situation for them as it is for him and let’s face it, I didn’t have kids with my parents? 🥴

OP posts:

hygtt · 11/12/2021 11:10

I don't think your parents should take time off but is your DH scared about losing money or his job?
The fact he's not getting paid paternity leave suggests it's not a great employer. To put it in perspective my DH gets 3 months paid pat leave.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 11:11

to not even get 1 wk is unusual

hygtt · 11/12/2021 11:11

and i'm not sure legal

Original poster

trombolese · 11/12/2021 11:24

@hygtt

I don't think your parents should take time off but is your DH scared about losing money or his job? The fact he's not getting paid paternity leave suggests it's not a great employer. To put it in perspective my DH gets 3 months paid pat leave.

Literally neither! He is just such a control freak over what happens in his kitchen when he’s not there, chefs mentality I guess? It’s how he’s been brought up in a family of chefs and business owners. I get it, I really really do but we will lose no money and he will never lose his job as he is so well respected and loved there - they’ve just given him a bloody pay rise for crying out loud he’s hardly on his last legs. I just don’t think I am being unreasonable here in asking him to call in sick this weekend or for a couple of days next week. All of his (unvaccinated) chefs bar him have just isolated for nearly 2 weeks leaving him on his own, I’m sure he can afford to leave them for 2 or 3 days as he does on his days off to help in a crisis.

As for paternity leave, his company don’t pay him but he obviously gets statutory which is pittance as I’m sure everyone in the world knows. He was hoping to use his hours in lieu for when I’m post c section with 3 children (potentially more catastrophic than right now!) so yes.

OP posts:

hygtt · 11/12/2021 11:31

But how can he be so well respected & not get paid paternity leave? It's a bit odd.

And I'm sure this is not the exact figure but surely "293719482 hours in lieu" is surely plenty for post CS?

I think you are going to have to pay for some help as it doesn't sound like he's going to budge, but I genuinely don't understand why a few hundred pounds to cover his 2-3 days off you want him to do is a financial burden why you have said money is not an issue?

Original poster

trombolese · 11/12/2021 11:37

@hygtt

But how can he be so well respected & not get paid paternity leave? It's a bit odd.

And I'm sure this is not the exact figure but surely "293719482 hours in lieu" is surely plenty for post CS?

Can you honestly tell me you have a few hundred quid to spare every month? We definitely don’t.

Obviously I was exaggerating, I’d say he has about a week, maximum 10 days in lieu.

Also? Being well respected in a job does not equate being paid paternity leave. He works for a bigger company, if they don’t pay it, then they don’t? I don’t understand what’s so hard to understand about that? Am I just being incredibly naive?

OP posts:

LethargicActress · 11/12/2021 11:45

Expecting him to book holiday or ask for emergency annual leave because his family needs him is fair enough. Expecting him to call in and lie to say he’s sick is not.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 11:45

Can you honestly tell me you have a few hundred quid to spare every month? We definitely don’t.

I'm fortunate to have much more than that. I don't think a few hundred quid spare is that unusual? If you don't have anything spare I would say that was struggling which you don't agree with.

Being well respected in a job does not equate being paid paternity leave. He works for a bigger company, if they don’t pay it, then they don’t? I don’t understand what’s so hard to understand about that? Am I just being incredibly naive?

Yes. More & more companies are offering extended paid paternity leave. To not pay one week? unusual I would say.

Classicblunder · 11/12/2021 11:50

@hygtt it isn't that unusual not to have paid paternity leave. This article suggests around 40% of firms don't and hospitality is traditionally bad for this

www.peoplemanagement.co.uk/news/articles/two-thirds-of-businesses-now-provide-enhanced-maternity-pay

Sirzy · 11/12/2021 11:51

He needs to step in and help. He needs to liaise with your parents and anyone else who is able to help to make sure you always have the support (physical and emotional) needed while going through the crisis.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 11:58

@Classicblunder I thinks it's unusual to have not even one week paid pat leave when you're more senior & respected at work, yes.

Classicblunder · 11/12/2021 11:59

[quote hygtt]@Classicblunder I thinks it's unusual to have not even one week paid pat leave when you're more senior & respected at work, yes. [/quote]
I think it is very sector dependent.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 12:05

Sectors obviously matter because certain sectors have a lot more "insecure" & transient workers.

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