To ask my partner to take some time off?

[trombolese]

My son broke his leg 3 days ago and is in a full leg cast and isn’t allowed to weight bare at all (he’s 3.5), my nearly 2 year old has a bad chest infection that he’s currently being treated for with basically anything they can give us while at home and is on the brink of hospital stay if he doesn’t improve in the next 1-2 days (not unusual for him) and to top it off I have a low lying placenta so on strict instructions not to lift anything much and I’m on pre-eclampsia watch as of yesterday due to high BP and protein in wee and severe headaches (35w pregnant) so cannot lift either of them nor can I get let my BP get any higher than it is.

My partner works in hospitality which is obviously extremely busy this time of year…he’s also in charge. He has worked over 80 hours/10 days in a row for the past 2 weeks as he’s had lots of staff off isolating/positive with COVID. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to book some time off/to call in sick for the next few days/cut his hours as I physically cannot do much around the house? Especially lifting our kids anywhere at all? Just for reference, this weekend he will be out of the house from 9am to potentially midnight both days and then on an average day he will be out at the same time and in anywhere from 8:30-10:30pm. I am pulling my hair out 🤯 all his staff are back now. My parents are around but they both work and so can’t just come at the drop of a hat (even though they absolutely would and do) but just feel like they’re his responsibility too? And he has so many hours in lieu that he could afford to take a few days off at this point while I’m stressed out my mind? I just need his support right now (and physical support!) and feel like he’s more concerned about work.

I think it's also role dependent

My dh was at a largeish construction firm in london and got one weeks paid paternity and a second at minimum wage. I was pretty surprise that’s all an otherwise decent company offered. Now we are back in oz and he is taking 4 months paid paternity when I go back to work, such a difference!

Think you both need to reduce expectations of the next week or so. Who cares of house gets untidy, washing up done last thing m, hoover not used. Reduce expectations and reduce stress

@RodneyIsDave

Think you both need to reduce expectations of the next week or so. Who cares of house gets untidy, washing up done last thing m, hoover not used. Reduce expectations and reduce stress

I think the OP is probably mostly focused on trying not to trigger preeclampsia by lifting her 3 year old which can lead to premature birth and even sometimes death than she is worried about the washing up

I don’t think this is a case of reduce expectations and get on with it, unless your ‘excessive expectations’ include feeding and toileting your dc or caring for them when ill. I would say to my dh very clearly that if I am hospitalised I will blame you for putting your job over your families health when you are needed and be so resentful you choose not to prioritise us even when we need you.
I’m 30 weeks, anaemic, full time at work and exhausted with 2 dc. Dh came home last week and said he’d have to do night shift as well as his day job next week, there was no one else. I pointed out that many people (mostly women) simply had to say no to these things as their dc can’t just be left. And he thought he didn’t as he has me at home, but I’m exhausted and can’t just get through the week while doing most of his share of parenting and housework too. He has now miraculously found someone else to cover except for one night. Yes it’s hard for him to go back and say no to work, but I matter too. And in your case your and your baby’s health is at risk.

"Can you honestly tell me you have a few hundred quid to spare every month? We definitely don’t.

Obviously I was exaggerating, I’d say he has about a week, maximum 10 days in lieu.

Also? Being well respected in a job does not equate being paid paternity leave. He works for a bigger company, if they don’t pay it, then they don’t? I don’t understand what’s so hard to understand about that? Am I just being incredibly naive?"

Yes, we do, but only one child so...

And I think it's odd if he's senior, well respected and worked there a long time that he doesn't even get paid one week paternity leave.

@timeisnotaline

I don’t think this is a case of reduce expectations and get on with it, unless your ‘excessive expectations’ include feeding and toileting your dc or caring for them when ill. I would say to my dh very clearly that if I am hospitalised I will blame you for putting your job over your families health when you are needed and be so resentful you choose not to prioritise us even when we need you. I’m 30 weeks, anaemic, full time at work and exhausted with 2 dc. Dh came home last week and said he’d have to do night shift as well as his day job next week, there was no one else. I pointed out that many people (mostly women) simply had to say no to these things as their dc can’t just be left. And he thought he didn’t as he has me at home, but I’m exhausted and can’t just get through the week while doing most of his share of parenting and housework too. He has now miraculously found someone else to cover except for one night. Yes it’s hard for him to go back and say no to work, but I matter too. And in your case your and your baby’s health is at risk.

Thank you for making me feel so much less alone in this. I completely agree with everything you have said and it absolutely is nothing to do with just making sure the washing ups been done and having a tidy house and “lowering expectations” - anyone who can say that obviously hasn’t been in such a terrifying position as to have serious high risk pregnancy where they could essentially (and I don’t mean this dramatically) bleed out or die from organ failure, because that is actually my reality right now if my situation isn’t controlled - on top of having to do BASIC care for my children including having to lift my 45lb 3.5 year old to the toilet etc etc etc and that’s not even thinking about my 2 year old who is pretty poorly and just wants his mummy. I will absolutely be partially blaming him for putting the needs of his work over his families HEALTH (not just tidying up!!!!!!!!) Mostly women DO have to say no to these things and I have, on many occasions, had to say no to my own work to look after my children and in a crisis such as this, my partner should be no different.

Isn’t it amazing when you push a bit that they can find someone else to do the job?! Hope you’re ok and the next 10 weeks flies by for you xx

With all due respect re: paternity pay/leave etc, yes it is sector dependent and also company dependent. I think those among us with brains and aren’t sheltered will find that a lot of companies do not pay men to have leave for a baby unfortunately no matter how high up they are in their position. I’m thrilled for those who do, but my partners doesn’t. End of. Irrelevant to this situation. Not to mention the fact that maybe I do not want to get hired help (even if I could afford it - lucky people who can!) but there’s a little thing called COVID going around and I’m due to have a c-section in just over 3 weeks. I do not want to be doing that alone too and welcoming more germs into my house is less than ideal right now.

Good to see people have priorities though and just let their husband create kids with them for them then to raise alone with the help of parents/hired help 😬

I think those among us with brains and aren’t sheltered will find that a lot of companies do not pay men to have leave for a baby unfortunately no matter how high up they are in their position.

The link another poster posted shows it's more normal than not "61 per cent) provide enhanced paternity pay", so no brains required. And I think that conversation only came about because you said you couldn't afford help. If you don't want help that's fine but you seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about money hence the wild leap of the below point.

"Good to see people have priorities though and just let their husband create kids with them for them then to raise alone with the help of parents/hired help"

Your the one with the husband not prioritising you & your dc so no point lashing out at others.

@hygtt

I think those among us with brains and aren’t sheltered will find that a lot of companies do not pay men to have leave for a baby unfortunately no matter how high up they are in their position.

The link another poster posted shows it's more normal than not "61 per cent) provide enhanced paternity pay", so no brains required. And I think that conversation only came about because you said you couldn't afford help. If you don't want help that's fine but you seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about money hence the wild leap of the below point.

"Good to see people have priorities though and just let their husband create kids with them for them then to raise alone with the help of parents/hired help"

Your the one with the husband not prioritising you & your dc so no point lashing out at others.

So you do agree with me that he’s prioritising work over us? Thank you, you’ve finally answered my original question.

No, I would think he's protecting his family by looking after his job. But you know your dh better than me & perhaps there are other red flags.

I've simply stated that if he's worried about job security & money I can understand his reluctance. You say money isn't an issue and that no one has a few hundred pounds spare a month. Your financial situation would terrify me but everyone is different & has different priorities. That also doesn't mean my DH leaves me to raise my dc alone 😆.

Good luck with your pregnancy & the dc though.

He is NOT going to lose his job by taking time off. No restaurant would be stupid enough to risk losing a good chef at this point, and there are hospitality jobs literally EVERYWHERE. He needs to grow up a bit and accept that his precious kitchen will have to be less-than-perfect for a few days, while his ill wife needs his help.

Babies aren't expensive though, especially when they're the third one to turn up in quick succession. Surely you have most baby stuff already given how young your other children are.

Can he take holiday or unpaid leave? I don't understand why he would call in sick?

is he worried about not going in & there not being enough staff to pick up the slack as too many are ill or self isolating?

@trombolese

With all due respect re: paternity pay/leave etc, yes it is sector dependent and also company dependent. I think those among us with brains and aren’t sheltered will find that a lot of companies do not pay men to have leave for a baby unfortunately no matter how high up they are in their position. I’m thrilled for those who do, but my partners doesn’t. End of. Irrelevant to this situation. Not to mention the fact that maybe I do not want to get hired help (even if I could afford it - lucky people who can!) but there’s a little thing called COVID going around and I’m due to have a c-section in just over 3 weeks. I do not want to be doing that alone too and welcoming more germs into my house is less than ideal right now.

Good to see people have priorities though and just let their husband create kids with them for them then to raise alone with the help of parents/hired help 😬

Are you going to leave him?

I’m not sure what a chef earns but it’s the hospitality sector so I doubt it’s high earning. Plus op is a Nanny and it’s not exactly the highest paid sector. He needs to at least let go of the extra hours and trust and guide his staff more. He needs to question his own skills if they are not clearing up post shift to an acceptable level.

I think he, your parents, other relatives on both sides and any friends etc should be asked if they can help out. If a few could pop in and get the kids to bed and help with dinner or bring dinner round cooked it would be good, after my friend had an op when she had two very small children I took round a stew I made for her. It shares the burden.

My nephew was a chef, he even bought with a business partner a restaurant that was really quite successful but it was destroying his marriage. So he sold his share and now works in a different sector.

Think it’s so true, he will never ever lose his job because the hospitality sector is suffering for staff since the pandemic, especially good and hard working and committed chefs who truly give a shit about the job - unfortunately he’s not even been given replacement chefs to replace 2 chefs on maternity leave so there’s 3 of them in what used to be a 6 chef kitchen. He’s been thrown in at the deep end with this job (different restaurant temporarily because he’s very good at his job so hoping he can switch the place around, same company) and has been given shit chefs who don’t know their arse from their elbow and cannot be trusted at this moment in time, especially over an extremely busy period. It’s really hard going and I do feel incredibly sorry for him that he’s been dealt a bad hand so late in the year. But I do agree, he does need to accept that his standards IN the kitchen may slip for a few days while he can’t be there (not in terms of food, I guess just in terms of having all. the. jobs. done). His boss would absolutely accept that too, he is the nicest and kindest man.

I am pretty shocked (actually I’m not cos mumsnet 🤣) at the accusatory tone at which people reply to these threads as if I asked to have a high risk pregnancy, a toddler with a broken leg and another one with a chest infection so close to Christmas.

I’m rallying the troops as we speak in terms of help, however it would just be nice for 5 minutes for my partner to act like he’s going out of his way to help at home as well as work.

there’s 3 of them in what used to be a 6 chef kitchen.

Perhaps he feels bad about reducing it to 2? Why do you want him to call in sick though? Why can't he take holiday?

@gattey

there’s 3 of them in what used to be a 6 chef kitchen.

Perhaps he feels bad about reducing it to 2? Why do you want him to call in sick though? Why can't he take holiday?

Of course he feels bad, but there are bigger problems in his life - no? Sorry, I didn’t mean specifically call in sick. He can take holiday but unlikely they would accept it at this point in December.

So he can't take holiday but then how can he have time off?

OP I would be a bit more firm with your husband. I was in a similar position with a high risk pregnancy with the risk of early labour and complications. I basically ended up taking to my bed for the last few weeks of my pregnancy and my DH was forced to step up and take over parenting duties. Between him and our parents I rested with zero issues until I gave birth, his employer understood and he had his 2 weeks statutory paternity after the birth before returning to work.

You really need to give him no other choice than to support you. Put your foot down. You are his wife, the mother of his children and your health (and that of your unborn child) comes before anything else.

Parental leave (albeit unpaid) is a legal requirement for employers to provide. If he's owed time in lieu I don't think it would be unreasonable to discuss parental leave with his employer with a view to it being paid as part of his time owed.

@EdGamblesDimples

OP I would be a bit more firm with your husband. I was in a similar position with a high risk pregnancy with the risk of early labour and complications. I basically ended up taking to my bed for the last few weeks of my pregnancy and my DH was forced to step up and take over parenting duties. Between him and our parents I rested with zero issues until I gave birth, his employer understood and he had his 2 weeks statutory paternity after the birth before returning to work.

You really need to give him no other choice than to support you. Put your foot down. You are his wife, the mother of his children and your health (and that of your unborn child) comes before anything else.

Thank you for your reply. Can I just ask, how did you approach this with your husband? Did he just say yes and step up? I just feel like anything I say goes in one ear and out the other. I’m absolutely terrified of anything happening to me or our baby - it literally cannot be good for my blood pressure. I’m really trying to let it go over my head but I am just so god damn tired and frustrated by it all.

@EdGamblesDimples

Parental leave (albeit unpaid) is a legal requirement for employers to provide. If he's owed time in lieu I don't think it would be unreasonable to discuss parental leave with his employer with a view to it being paid as part of his time owed.

Yes of course, he is definitely heading for this approach, he’s just trying to elongate the amount of time off he can have I suppose.

@trombolese as far as I can remember, I basically woke up one day and just couldn't do it any more. I was crippled by the stress and anxiety of having issues with the birth or god forbid losing my baby. He had no choice but to step up and it forced a serious conversation about how much pressure he had put onto me at a time of immense stress. He really needed it knocking into his head but once it was there he became compassionate and understanding and things were much easier