To ask my partner to take some time off?

[trombolese]

My son broke his leg 3 days ago and is in a full leg cast and isn’t allowed to weight bare at all (he’s 3.5), my nearly 2 year old has a bad chest infection that he’s currently being treated for with basically anything they can give us while at home and is on the brink of hospital stay if he doesn’t improve in the next 1-2 days (not unusual for him) and to top it off I have a low lying placenta so on strict instructions not to lift anything much and I’m on pre-eclampsia watch as of yesterday due to high BP and protein in wee and severe headaches (35w pregnant) so cannot lift either of them nor can I get let my BP get any higher than it is.

My partner works in hospitality which is obviously extremely busy this time of year…he’s also in charge. He has worked over 80 hours/10 days in a row for the past 2 weeks as he’s had lots of staff off isolating/positive with COVID. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to book some time off/to call in sick for the next few days/cut his hours as I physically cannot do much around the house? Especially lifting our kids anywhere at all? Just for reference, this weekend he will be out of the house from 9am to potentially midnight both days and then on an average day he will be out at the same time and in anywhere from 8:30-10:30pm. I am pulling my hair out 🤯 all his staff are back now. My parents are around but they both work and so can’t just come at the drop of a hat (even though they absolutely would and do) but just feel like they’re his responsibility too? And he has so many hours in lieu that he could afford to take a few days off at this point while I’m stressed out my mind? I just need his support right now (and physical support!) and feel like he’s more concerned about work.

@EdGamblesDimples thank you. I really do feel crippled by the anxiety of it all to the point where I’m not even looking after myself and I’m just totally dreading every day and what it could potentially bring. He knows this. I’m just not sure at what point it has to get to before he goes “oh shit, they really need me at home” you know?

How respected you are has absolutely nothing to do with how much paid paternity pay you are entitled to. You will get what the company give whether you are well respected or a total knobhead.

OP this sounds so hard for you, but it is also hard for your DH at this time of year to take time off. Really hope things start to improve soon.

Your DH starting later in the day is the least he can do, as getting children up/dressed etc and fed breakfast would I am sure be a great help. Better still the whole day and only working in the evenings.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Two sick children sounds like an absolute nightmare but add in pre-eclampsia and a low-lying placenta - both those things have the potential to be really serious.

I just can’t believe there’s several pages of debate about whether a man should take time off work to care for his pregnant wife and children when his wife has a potentially fatal condition and both his children are ill.

Two kids and another on the way, so you'll have three under five, you are always going to need help, so I suggest paying for it. You can't expect him to take time off now, it's unfair on him and it's very unfair on the company he works for. I run a business that is reliant on Christmas trade and I don't allow leave in November or December. If you can afford for him to go on unpaid sick leave, you can afford to pay for someone to come in, and you don't risk him losing his job or pissing off his boss.

@trombolese

I love this site 🤣 no one said we were hand to sodding mouth but don’t know if anyones noticed 1) it’s Christmas and 2) we’ve got a baby on the way…..two things very well known for being QUITE expensive. Trust me, if I’d have known a week ago about this impending shit show then I’d have bloody budgeted to pay for hired help but then again, who the heck has £100 a day spare for hired help?! I’m a nanny btw so I know these things ain’t cheap!

Sorry, I don’t mean to be arsey but come on.

But if Christmas presents for toddlers and the few supplies a newborn needs make you too skint to hire help, you are hand to mouth. So what exactly does his extreme devotion to his job gain ?

Was he like this before you partnered and chose to have children?

Good lick; I hope things ease for you soon.

What was his thinking when he was making a third child, when he doesn’t do any parenting? Just making your life exponentially more difficult. Are you not employed? No pension contributions or legal protections? (Legally single)

(That sounded unintentionally snippy. Just sad that you’re with a boyfriend who doesn’t contribute to parenting, but happy to keep making kids, and zero legal protections)

Living hand to mouth means you struggle for the very basics, ie food and regular bills. It doesn't mean choosing between Xmas presents and hired help

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Living hand to mouth means you struggle for the very basics, ie food and regular bills. It doesn't mean choosing between Xmas presents and hired help

Savings ARE a basic, and they apparently aren't able to set aside substantial funds, despite the vast number of hours her partner works. That's problematic.

Working crazy hours as a high earner is one thing. Doing it and barely scraping by is another.

Can you ask your partner to sit with you and discuss a solution? It might be him going in late, it might be calling in the services of relatives etc. Days off now may or maynot be the answer. The industry is on its knees. I realise so are you. Work together to find a solution. Just saying “don’t go to work” isn’t getting you anywhere. Good luck.

@Chasingaftermidnight

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Two sick children sounds like an absolute nightmare but add in pre-eclampsia and a low-lying placenta - both those things have the potential to be really serious.

I just can’t believe there’s several pages of debate about whether a man should take time off work to care for his pregnant wife and children when his wife has a potentially fatal condition and both his children are ill.

Well quite. At what point can a father be expected to be involved? Maybe if both children have broken limbs? Maybe if the 2 year old is in hospital with the chest infection? Maybe when the OP has started to go into labour early with preeclampsia? If she is hospitalised or maybe the nurses can look after the kids? Maybe if she dies from preeclampsia? Probably even then someone would suggest the grandmothers give up their jobs

It’s a very hard set of circumstances, but the hospitality sector has taken massive blows and this Christmas could be make or break for some businesses. Traditionally, working in hospitality has always been incompatible with family life, due to long hours, broken shifts, not really being able to take sick leave or annual leave on short notice.
I feel you have made a rod for your own back by going for child number three in this setting where time and money are already very limited. You’re living on the edge, and when one element is a bit shaky, for example the kids are unwell, the whole thing comes crashing down.

I think people have looked beyond the ACTUAL situation here. No one has said we’re on the bread line and bringing a third baby into the world (I’m not stupid, nor am I hand to mouth and living penny to penny - I’m just not hiring help at £100 a day for 4 weeks). Yes I do work, I’m a Nanny so that leads me onto saying no I will not need help “all the time” by any means - in fact, we ask my parents to help 1 day a week to cover childcare at the moment and that’s all. My full time job pre having my second child was looking after 4 under 7 with one autistic child and my own so yeah, think I can handle 3 under 5 of my own children, but thanks.

I’m looking for my partner to take perhaps an extra day off a week leading up to January or to start later and finish earlier as much as he can or even to call in sick for an EMERGENCY for the rest of the week because my son cannot weight bare - when he can, this physically reduces the strain I am under and this will be next weekend. That is NOT unreasonable, and it is unbelievable that people think it falls to the grandparents/friends/anyone on the street before it goes to their own father. Who, by the way, is a FANTASTIC parent and the 2.5 days off he has in the week usually and in the mornings until he leaves, he is very very hands on. He even does night feeds about 75% of the time when I finish breastfeeding (woah ladies, form an orderly queue).

I am not well. My kids are not well. This is a ONE OFF situation. People are acting like by asking him to do his best and be around more I’m personally going to be responsible for the crumbling of hospitality all over the country 🤣 please. What does it matter if I die, right? Crikey. I think people need a serious reality check.

Anyway, this is going to be my last post on this thread as I’m glad some people do see my point of view. Thank you for all your replies, they have been….humbling xx

I can hear your desperation and your situation is urgent. Instead of getting angry that not everyone is giving you the response you wanted, talk to your partner. You’re so determined that he must do what you want that you’ve lost sight of the fact that you need to sort help, pronto.

If you are so set in your opinion, why are you on AIBU? And getting annoyed at the responses you don’t want?
I hope everything calms down soon for you, it does sound very difficult.