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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my partner to take some time off?

91 replies

trombolese · 10/12/2021 23:50

My son broke his leg 3 days ago and is in a full leg cast and isn’t allowed to weight bare at all (he’s 3.5), my nearly 2 year old has a bad chest infection that he’s currently being treated for with basically anything they can give us while at home and is on the brink of hospital stay if he doesn’t improve in the next 1-2 days (not unusual for him) and to top it off I have a low lying placenta so on strict instructions not to lift anything much and I’m on pre-eclampsia watch as of yesterday due to high BP and protein in wee and severe headaches (35w pregnant) so cannot lift either of them nor can I get let my BP get any higher than it is.

My partner works in hospitality which is obviously extremely busy this time of year…he’s also in charge. He has worked over 80 hours/10 days in a row for the past 2 weeks as he’s had lots of staff off isolating/positive with COVID. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to book some time off/to call in sick for the next few days/cut his hours as I physically cannot do much around the house? Especially lifting our kids anywhere at all? Just for reference, this weekend he will be out of the house from 9am to potentially midnight both days and then on an average day he will be out at the same time and in anywhere from 8:30-10:30pm. I am pulling my hair out 🤯 all his staff are back now. My parents are around but they both work and so can’t just come at the drop of a hat (even though they absolutely would and do) but just feel like they’re his responsibility too? And he has so many hours in lieu that he could afford to take a few days off at this point while I’m stressed out my mind? I just need his support right now (and physical support!) and feel like he’s more concerned about work.

OP posts:

RobertaFirmino · 11/12/2021 00:43

When you say he is in charge, do you mean that he is the business owner or that he's a manager/supervisor who reports to someone higher up? I only ask as there might be a chance he will not be allowed to take the time off.

WRT calling in sick/cutting hours, I do understand where you are coming from but I wonder if he hasn't already done this as he is concerned about keeping his job/income, esp. in the current climate. Yes, the DC are his responsibility as well as yours but he also has the responsibility of earning the money so things aren't necessarily as black and white as you seem to think they are. I agree that he is probably very concerned about work right now but not because he'd rather be at work than with his family but because he's concerned he might lose his job.

What is the plan for when you go into labour?

VimFuego101 · 11/12/2021 01:00

I can see how much you need help, but hospitality doesn't look kindly on people taking time off in December, so perhaps he's worried about how his managers will see it, especially if he'll be taking paternity leave shortly. I'm not saying he shouldn't take time off, you sound like you really need a rest and some help - if your parents are willing and able to help, I would take them up on it.

pinksquash13 · 11/12/2021 01:05

Yanbu. It's a crisis. He needs to support you

timeisnotaline · 11/12/2021 01:05

The other option is paying someone to come in. I’d give him that option- ask him to take a day off for your respite while I looked for someone to help and they would need to be paid, or to take several days off. Point out everyone else has been off sick, I’m your wife and I’m a person too so I’m off sick, and you need to look after your dc just like you’ve been taking over for sick staff.

LittleOwl153 · 11/12/2021 01:05

I don't think you would be unreasonable to ASK. No.
I also don't think you would unreasonable to make sure your partner understands where things are at and exactly what you can and cannot do with his 3 children.
I think your partner would be very unreasonable to just expect you to cope given the pregnancy issues and children's medical issues. Whether he can take time off or whether he finds some other help however I guess depends on how he secure feels about work currently... I assume he is going to have to make plans however if the youngest ends up in hospital as one of you will need to be with him and the other with the broken leg...
Good luck OP - it sounds as though you have a fun Christmas ahead!

CaptainCabinets · 11/12/2021 01:07

@pinksquash13

Yanbu. It's a crisis. He needs to support you

He is supporting her and the children by working 80-hour weeks, it’s not as if he’s off on a jolly with his pals.

vodkaredbullgirl · 11/12/2021 01:11

Do you have any family close who can help out.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 01:40

could you pay someone to help?

mediumbrownmug · 11/12/2021 01:44

I’m so sorry, OP. If you can’t physically do it on your own, then it genuinely isn’t a question of whether it’s reasonable. Emergencies happen, and as awful and inconvenient as it is, life is like that sometimes. Emergencies don’t do “reasonable.” Even his bosses aren’t bulletproof.

Pippa12 · 11/12/2021 02:20

Hospitality is brutal at this time of year. My DH is a general manager of a busy restaurant and also working very long hours. Staffing is dire due to recruitment issues and generally no sick pay. Annual leave I imagine will not be an option unless previously booked. Most places are trying to take as much money as possible to recoup huge financial losses and concerned re: further restrictions likely on the horizon. It’s a very unpredictable and turbulent time for the sector.

It does sound like your really struggling and I do feel for you, but your DH is likely stuck between a rock and a hard place. I often feel that my DH job always comes first these days, but I’m trying to be considerate of the pressure he’s under to keep his job and restaurant afloat.

I imagine he’s concerned thinking of another mouth to feed very soon too.

BoudecaBains · 11/12/2021 02:35

Agree about hired help as I doubt he will be able to take time off.

SunscreenCentral · 11/12/2021 03:01

Buy help, you need home help now. Just pull the trigger and source it.
Your parents can't, he's working his arse off but you need physical help.
Good luck with the last few weeks of your pg and I hope you all have a good Christmas 🎄

Newgate · 11/12/2021 03:11

You need help cos you need help. Not because of his hours. 80 hours over 10 days is 8 hrs per day, which is standard. Don’t justify it on his hours. You simply need support for your circumstances

Blossom64265 · 11/12/2021 03:22

This is a crisis situation. You are not physically capable of providing care for these children right now.

When my daughter had an accident and wasn’t allowed to even sit up without assistance it was back-breaking, exhausting work and I was not pregnant.

If you are not supposed to be lifting and your bp is climbing and he is leaving you to deal with this, I would call your midwife and ask for help explaining the seriousness of the situation to him

violetbunny · 11/12/2021 03:22

If it's physical support you need, could you afford to hire someone in to help out for a few days?

KosherDill · 11/12/2021 04:05

@VimFuego101

Agree. This is a horrible time for hospitality workers to be making themselves unavailable.

Can't your parents take time off? Or can you hire a teen or student?

CustardyCreams · 11/12/2021 04:18

Buy help or ask your parents. Blimey two little kids, and a baby on the way, and a dh in hospitality… you don’t like making your life easy, do you!

Hope you sort it out. I’d definitely be calling my mum, MIL etc for help

Good luck

timeisnotaline · 11/12/2021 05:03

He is supporting her and the children by working 80-hour weeks, it’s not as if he’s off on a jolly with his pals.
And that won’t be anywhere near enough if she’s hospitalised with the baby at risk. He’s supported his staff to be off sick, now how pregnant wife NEEDS to be off sick and his dc need a parent to care for them.

Kisskiss · 11/12/2021 05:37

I can see his POV, as others have pointed out, hospitality is quite shaky and maybe he is worried about his job. If he lost it, that would be a disaster scebario for your family..
your situation sounds horrible though, you definitely need help, can that come from your parents / his parents, or hire someone for a few days from an agency?

FancyFlipFlops · 11/12/2021 06:11

If you buy help in I know a lot on here recommend Sitter’s

www.sitters.co.uk/

Original poster

trombolese · 11/12/2021 09:47

Thank you for all of your replies, I agree, this really is a crisis situation and to make matters worse my 3.5 year old is now running a very very high temperature so I’m concerned about infection or that he’s caught a nasty bug as he’s not eaten in 24 hours so will be heading back to emergency doctors later.

Sorry, in my OP I meant to say he is in charge of a busy kitchen so does have staff who are perfectly capable of doing the job in an emergency however, just an example, last night he stayed 2 extra hours to help clean because he knew they “wouldn’t do the job properly”. It’s just little things like that that absolutely grind my gears like no…you have people who need you at home.

There is no way in a million years he will lose his job having to take emergency time off to help us through the worst of it (I.e until literally Friday when my son can start weight baring and hopefully my younger one is feeling brighter). He has worked in hospitality and worked in this job for years and not had one single minute off work (even when he was basically left for dead after being mugged in the summer). I wish I was exaggerating.

I’m trying really hard to appreciate how driven and fantastic he is generally, however, the thought of having pre eclampsia or equally literally bleeding out because I’ve had to lift my 40lb very tall son up to help him do something, does not quite appeal. As someone above said, working really will be the last of his problems if I am hospitalised.

My parents are amazing in every way and have helped so so much, however there’s only so much anyone can do for us I suppose. Also unfortunately we can’t pay for hired help as well as he isn’t getting paid paternity leave so we have had to save up for that.

Feeling incredibly fed up.

OP posts:

Original poster

trombolese · 11/12/2021 09:51

Sorry just need to clarify this - he’s doing 80+ hours per 6 days with 1 day off but just happened to work 10 days in a row (I bloody wish he was only doing 8 hour days 😅) As I said, he’s out of the house for 9am and closes his kitchen about 11pm to get him home for midnight. He’s been on his own for 2 weeks due to lack of staff with COVID so he’s just absolutely bonkers exhausted on top of all of this.

OP posts:

hygtt · 11/12/2021 09:51

Also unfortunately we can’t pay for hired help as well as he isn’t getting paid paternity leave so we have had to save up for that.

It sounds rubbish OP & I feel for you but i do understand why he's reluctant to take time off particularly if money is so tight.

Original poster

trombolese · 11/12/2021 09:57

@hygtt

Also unfortunately we can’t pay for hired help as well as he isn’t getting paid paternity leave so we have had to save up for that.

It sounds rubbish OP & I feel for you but i do understand why he's reluctant to take time off particularly if money is so tight.

He is salaried and has about 293719482 hours in lieu because he always always always works longer than he has to, I think at this point it is just principle. Thank you for your response xx

OP posts:

hygtt · 11/12/2021 10:01

Sorry I thought you said you couldn't afford help as you needed to save for paternity leave, which I thought was only 2 weeks? Can't he use his lieu hours for that?

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