Kids sharing a present from family member?

Mrscouldron · 2021-12-10T17:56:51+00:00

My mil has given my children who are 5 and 7 one Christmas present to share. She sent it in the post this week. My older dc has moderate SEN so sharing for them is almost impossible. AIBU to give the gift back and say it will cause so many arguments and tears on Christmas morning. I'm not sure any 5 an 7 year old would share but to expect a child with SEN to do so I feel is unfair. I would rather she just gave them a small gift each or a little money in their bank accounts or just a colouring book each really. To be honest they both have so much for Christmas anyway but I know the one gift to share will cause my dc7 to go into full meltdown. I really want to avoid that on Christmas morning obviously.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 10/12/2021 17:59

Tell dh to message her. Likely she will take it better from him. Is she usually such a tight arse?

FionnulaTheCooler · 10/12/2021 18:00

Donate it to a local children's present appeal, and don't tell her. What was the present, was it not something meant to be shared, like a game?

BHX3000 · 10/12/2021 18:01

I would rather she just gave them a small gift each or a little money in their bank accounts or just a colouring book each really.

Was she told this beforehand? If yes, the gift is an unreasonable choice. If not, you need to tell her in those exact words and make sure she is reminded about it every October from now onwards.

Cocomarine · 10/12/2021 18:04

Is it a present they would use together? Like a board game? In which case I think it’s rude to throw back in her face a nice idea. Just avoid the sharing drama on over hyped Xmas Day by setting it aside.

If she’s sending one Barbie between two, then she’s stupid and deserves it right back in her face!

It really depends what it is.

Original poster

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:07

It's a Lego set so I don't think that's for sharing really.

I try and tell her when we see her what the kids like but she just ignores me. She thinks kids of my dc age should like certain things like when dh was a child of similar age!

She does have form for being quite mean. She can be quite uncaring and judgemental about dc's SEN needs. We were nc for quite a few years but decided to give her another chance. The dc really like her despite only seeing her a few times a year so I don't want to make mil not want to see them.

That's a good idea about getting dh to talk to her about it instead of me.

OP posts:

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 10/12/2021 18:09

Does she reasonably understand your child's SEN?

Can you afford to get a second one?
Can you give it to one child & hive the other child 'one from Granny' that you've bought?

So many unknowns'

Do you think 'giving it back' will change/improve things in any way?

nokidshere · 10/12/2021 18:11

Lego is expensive and it is a great toy for sharing in my opinion. I have 5 sisters, we rarely had individual presents when we were growing up, we just got family gifts and occasionally one small toy each.

I think a lot of emphasis is put on gifts these days especially from extended family. We have only ever bought for our own children although sometimes my friends have given my boys a selection box or something. Buy your children Christmas gifts and accept that anything else is just a bonus, shared or not.

Original poster

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:17

@NovemberNovemberDarkNights

Does she reasonably understand your child's SEN?

Can you afford to get a second one?
Can you give it to one child & hive the other child 'one from Granny' that you've bought?

So many unknowns'

Do you think 'giving it back' will change/improve things in any way?

I've looked but the one she's got them is not in production anymore.

She does understand dc's SEN. We have explained to her why you can't apply the same expectations to them as a 'normal' 7 year old.

I feel like I have to give it back as if I donate/put it in the loft she will ask about it when we call her after Christmas. If I could find another I would have just got it.

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99victoria · 10/12/2021 18:18

I have bought a dolls house for my 2 grand-daughters to share - they're 4 & 6. My daughter asked me to get it. It was over £120!

A joint present doesn't necessarily mean she's being tight. Lego sets can cost a fortune!

Original poster

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:20

@nokidshere

Lego is expensive and it is a great toy for sharing in my opinion. I have 5 sisters, we rarely had individual presents when we were growing up, we just got family gifts and occasionally one small toy each.

I think a lot of emphasis is put on gifts these days especially from extended family. We have only ever bought for our own children although sometimes my friends have given my boys a selection box or something. Buy your children Christmas gifts and accept that anything else is just a bonus, shared or not.

It's very difficult to explain to a child with the type of SEN my dc has that they need to share. Especially a Christmas gift.

I have said she really doesn't need to get the dc anything. They have enough and that just a pretty card each would be enough or a £1 colouring book each.

Like I said I would buy another/donate but she will definitely ask them about it when we speak to her after Xmas. I feel it would be unkind of me to say after the event that I donated it or whatever.

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sunflowerroses · 10/12/2021 18:20

Just get a different Lego set if you're prepared to buy a second gift, doesn't have to be identical. I wouldn't return it to her.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 10/12/2021 18:21

Giving it back is petty. Also it isnt your gift to return. Just give it to the 7 year old. Take the label off first. You said they have loads so why does it matter?

Original poster

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:21

@99victoria

I have bought a dolls house for my 2 grand-daughters to share - they're 4 & 6. My daughter asked me to get it. It was over £120!

A joint present doesn't necessarily mean she's being tight. Lego sets can cost a fortune!

This set is very small not that it matters. It's the fact that one dc has SEN that causes the major upset and meltdowns.

That's the thing also your daughter told you what your grandchildren would like. My mil doesn't listen to what I say.

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Original poster

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:24

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

Giving it back is petty. Also it isnt your gift to return. Just give it to the 7 year old. Take the label off first. You said they have loads so why does it matter?

That's a fair point but what do I say when mil asks the dc about the gift. Dc7 is very blunt and will tell her that the gift was given to them only.

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Firstshoes · 10/12/2021 18:24

Wow all these threads about MILs and rubbish gifts. Maybe they shouldn't bother buying anything

Northofsomewhere · 10/12/2021 18:24

I agree @nokidshere, there was only 2 of us (close in age) and we got many shared gifts with a few personal ones. Lego in particular was always a shared gift, it's also more expensive now so I can understand why she's bought it as a shared gift.

I'm not very clued up on a lot of SN so don't really understand why it's difficult for older DC to share but I accept it could be an issue. Will the fact that it's shared at all be an issue regardless that it's Lego and they might enjoy it?

I actually think she's bought and appropriate shared gift (she's not chosen shared to save money etc) but if you do genuinely feel it's not appropriate I'd find a work around this year but be extremely explicit in future years by giving her a list of things you are planning to buy and asking her to pick one for each child or ask for a voucher.

Original poster

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:27

@Northofsomewhere

I agree *@nokidshere*, there was only 2 of us (close in age) and we got many shared gifts with a few personal ones. Lego in particular was always a shared gift, it's also more expensive now so I can understand why she's bought it as a shared gift.

I'm not very clued up on a lot of SN so don't really understand why it's difficult for older DC to share but I accept it could be an issue. Will the fact that it's shared at all be an issue regardless that it's Lego and they might enjoy it?

I actually think she's bought and appropriate shared gift (she's not chosen shared to save money etc) but if you do genuinely feel it's not appropriate I'd find a work around this year but be extremely explicit in future years by giving her a list of things you are planning to buy and asking her to pick one for each child or ask for a voucher.

This is a really good idea.

For birthdays and Christmas from now on I'm going to share the dc's lists and ask if she would like to pick from that.

In fairness both dc always ask for things like colouring books and stickers which I feel is a nice inexpensive gift that both dc would really appreciate.

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sunflowerroses · 10/12/2021 18:27

If you're worried about her asking, then send a message '7 year old would find sharing very difficult so giving him the present you bought and bought a second Lego set to give to the other and will sign it from you to avoid any conflict at Christmas' - or similar.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 10/12/2021 18:27

That's a fair point but what do I say when mil asks the dc about the gift. Dc7 is very blunt and will tell her that the gift was given to them only.

If she asks you, you say she only sent one gift and it wasnt suitable to share.
If she asks your dh, he can think of something.

Offmyfence · 10/12/2021 18:28

Not had a MIL bashing thread for 30 mins, about time we had one.

Don't return it, just don't use it if you don't want to. Gift it to a charity that provides gifts for children that get nothing.

Original poster

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:31

@Offmyfence

Not had a MIL bashing thread for 30 mins, about time we had one.

Don't return it, just don't use it if you don't want to. Gift it to a charity that provides gifts for children that get nothing.

I'm not bashing at all. Just trying to avoid huge Christmas morning meltdowns!

These situations can be difficult to navigate especially with a child with significant additional needs. It's really helpful to get others opinions to help make the right choice so dc are happy and mil still stays in contact with us.

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Puppylovetheycallit · 10/12/2021 18:32

I think I would just buy another Lego set of similar value and give one of your children on behalf of your MIL. It would make your life easier and not worth upsetting anyone over.

Puppylovetheycallit · 10/12/2021 18:32

So they have one each I mean.

Original poster

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:32

@sunflowerroses

If you're worried about her asking, then send a message '7 year old would find sharing very difficult so giving him the present you bought and bought a second Lego set to give to the other and will sign it from you to avoid any conflict at Christmas' - or similar.

This is a brilliant idea thank you. I will get another set similar and just sign it from mil. They haven't seen it yet obviously so wouldn't be any the wiser.

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nokidshere · 10/12/2021 18:32

It's very difficult to explain to a child with the type of SEN my dc has that they need to share. Especially a Christmas gift.

Do they never share or do anything together? Are they ever going to be able to?

I agree with Offmyfence, just say thank you and put it away or give it away.