Page 4 | Kids sharing a present from family member?

Mrscouldron · 2021-12-10T17:56:51+00:00

My mil has given my children who are 5 and 7 one Christmas present to share. She sent it in the post this week. My older dc has moderate SEN so sharing for them is almost impossible. AIBU to give the gift back and say it will cause so many arguments and tears on Christmas morning. I'm not sure any 5 an 7 year old would share but to expect a child with SEN to do so I feel is unfair. I would rather she just gave them a small gift each or a little money in their bank accounts or just a colouring book each really. To be honest they both have so much for Christmas anyway but I know the one gift to share will cause my dc7 to go into full meltdown. I really want to avoid that on Christmas morning obviously.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 10/12/2021 19:17

It's not ideal. I can see why you'd be upset at her not realising they can't share it and also not getting them a gift each; it's common sense to get a child a gift each, even if on the cheaper side.

I would give it to the child who'd like it best and buy another gift for the other "from granny". If it comes out later, tell her you had to to avoid upset on Christmas as they can't share due to xyz.

It's kinda her job as a grandparent to know her grandkids needs and act accordingly.

But I wouldn't send it back, I think that may be quite hurtful.

BoredZelda · 10/12/2021 19:21

So many people missing the point you should have posted on the sen board they would have understood

Seems most people here haven’t missed the point. Most have offered the same solution and it is the one the OP has said she was already going to do.

TurnUpTurnip · 10/12/2021 19:22

I think it’s fine that they share and I say that as someone with a daughter with autism, either let them share or buy another, it really isn’t that much of an issue, you said it’s a small set so just buy another not sure why it needs to be identical, If they already have loads of stuff then they are unlikely to care, have you bought them everything matching?

ICalledYouLastNightFromGlasgow · 10/12/2021 19:27

This may be way off the mark but if it's an old Lego set that may have been your DH's is it not fairly likely to have bits missing? Would that upset your SEN DS? Could you give it to your younger child and get something else for your older boy?

Hopefullywaiting01234 · 10/12/2021 19:28

Could you maybe call and explain this to her just now? She might be happy to go out and buy another gift to stop any upset on Xmas morning

I know people are saying Lego is expensive but you also get the small boxes for £8-10 so I suppose it depends on the size of Lego!

Some of the sets for instance marvel are characters and I wouldn’t think they are for sharing. My mum often has my son and nephew at the same time (neither have any SEN issues) and I know they would fight over one Lego box

godmum56 · 10/12/2021 19:29

@nokidshere

Lego is expensive and it is a great toy for sharing in my opinion. I have 5 sisters, we rarely had individual presents when we were growing up, we just got family gifts and occasionally one small toy each.

I think a lot of emphasis is put on gifts these days especially from extended family. We have only ever bought for our own children although sometimes my friends have given my boys a selection box or something. Buy your children Christmas gifts and accept that anything else is just a bonus, shared or not.

for neurotypical children lego may well be a great toy for sharing....but if one child has a difficulty with sharing then its really not fair on either child to put that expectation on them.....its also not fair on the parents either.

padsi1975 · 10/12/2021 19:30

I don't personally think Lego is a good gift to share at all. I don't love shared gifts. I wouldn't give it back though, not worth the drama. Buying another little Lego set seems like best solution.

BlusteringBoobies · 10/12/2021 19:31

God there are some right miserable gits on this thread

All those saying just share, it'll be fine, stop being dramatic and attacking OP need to go have some eggnog.

OP isn't bashing her MIL but do you not think that she knows her SEN child better than strangers on the internet? My best friends 6 year old has a complex set of behavioural problems linked to his (fairly mild) SEN and if he had to share a present it would implode on Xmas day.

It doesn't mean you can't teach sharing in other ways but Christmas Day probably isn't the time to start.

OP has said she has already had several conversations to her MIL about her child but MIL doesn't understand and apparently struggles to be kind and patient with this child so Op is obviously wondering how best to resolve this. Coupled with a history of NC suggest there is an unpleasant history here that required a bit of thought, hence posting online.

It seems she's made a decision based on feedback and won't return the gift...great! But some of these replies are just horrible.

SnugKnights · 10/12/2021 19:32

I think a box of assorted Lego pieces may be an ok to present to share, but regardless of any SEN I don’t think a set that you have instructions to build into something specific is ever going to be a good one to share, surely both kids would want to make it. I agree OP that buying another set “from MIL” is best and get your husband to speak to her to try to avoid issues in the future.

godmum56 · 10/12/2021 19:32

Does nobody actually read these threads before replying?

Headteacher415 · 10/12/2021 19:37

For some reason lost in the mists of time, when I was about 14 my Gran bought me a Rupert the Bear annual. No idea why, and I remember being deeply unimpressed when I opened it in front of my parents. I was told categorically that I had to be grateful and make out that it was the best thing ever. The same applies here. That's what she wants to give them. Maybe they'll take it in turns. Maybe they'll have a fight over it. Maybe it will linger in the back of the cupboard. It's not your place to intervene - that's what she wants to give them.

Original poster

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 19:37

@BlusteringBoobies

God there are some right miserable gits on this thread

All those saying just share, it'll be fine, stop being dramatic and attacking OP need to go have some eggnog.

OP isn't bashing her MIL but do you not think that she knows her SEN child better than strangers on the internet? My best friends 6 year old has a complex set of behavioural problems linked to his (fairly mild) SEN and if he had to share a present it would implode on Xmas day.

It doesn't mean you can't teach sharing in other ways but Christmas Day probably isn't the time to start.

OP has said she has already had several conversations to her MIL about her child but MIL doesn't understand and apparently struggles to be kind and patient with this child so Op is obviously wondering how best to resolve this. Coupled with a history of NC suggest there is an unpleasant history here that required a bit of thought, hence posting online.

It seems she's made a decision based on feedback and won't return the gift...great! But some of these replies are just horrible.

Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 19:39

@Theunamedcat

So many people missing the point you should have posted on the sen board they would have understood

I get it, and for me it's the lack of thought that goes into a gift for your grandchild like the time they bought my youngest books for his 'age' group which he still can't read because he is over four years behind (which they know) or the jumpers and long sleeve tshirts they buy and remove the tags off (so I can't return them) knowing they have sensory processing disorder and refuse to wear long sleeves or jumpers

it's like showing them every year this is how little you mean to us we can't be bothered to get to know you even a little bit

If you don't have or spend time with kids with SEN it's impossible to understand isn't it.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:

Offmyfence · 10/12/2021 19:41

This thread was not was MIL being unreasonable.

It was AIBU to send the gift back.

So many people not reading the OP.

Offmyfence · 10/12/2021 19:44

@godmum56

Does nobody actually read these threads before replying?

Clearly not! The AIBU was about sending the gift back!

HandScreen · 10/12/2021 19:45

Don't give it back - you're being very dramatic.

Veryverycalmnow · 10/12/2021 19:46

3 of us used to share lego. All those disagreements and squabbles as a child teaches you a lit and sets you up for dealing with later disagreements...

HandScreen · 10/12/2021 19:47

@sunflowerroses

If you're worried about her asking, then send a message '7 year old would find sharing very difficult so giving him the present you bought and bought a second Lego set to give to the other and will sign it from you to avoid any conflict at Christmas' - or similar.

Please don't do this. Just buy the other set and say nothing. That message sails straight past passive aggressive towards just flat out aggressive.

Original poster

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 19:47

@Veryverycalmnow

3 of us used to share lego. All those disagreements and squabbles as a child teaches you a lit and sets you up for dealing with later disagreements...

The dc with sen will not ever live a 'normal' life so those sorts of lessons cause more harm than good

OP posts:

IsThisIt2021 · 10/12/2021 19:48

Pleased that you now have a plan that will work for you & yours OP. Quite surprised at how harsh some replies have been.

HandScreen · 10/12/2021 19:51

@NoSquirrels

Just get a different gift that one of your children would prefer - if the Lego is better for the 7 year old give it to them. Get anything you like for the 5 year old - it does not need to be Lego!

Then just get DH to say thanks Mum but we know DS1 will love the Lego you chose so much they won’t be able to share so we’ve give DC2 an (insert gift) from you instead, that way they’ve both got something they love to open and no drama on Christmas Day.

If she is pissy about this or your DS1 not being able to share your DH tells her to be more understanding.

Stop worrying.

This would be unspeakably rude. Don't send a message about needing to get a second gift.

burnoutbabe · 10/12/2021 19:54

@ICalledYouLastNightFromGlasgow

This may be way off the mark but if it's an old Lego set that may have been your DH's is it not fairly likely to have bits missing? Would that upset your SEN DS? Could you give it to your younger child and get something else for your older boy?

True!

Unless it's boxed and sealed, your going to have to check it's all there first I think

elbea · 10/12/2021 19:54

There is no way I’d be giving my children a boxed Lego set from the 80s - a complete boxed set can sell from hundreds to £1,000+

JacquelineCarlyle · 10/12/2021 19:59

@Offmyfence

Why does it need to be the same set? Why not just get done other Lego?

All such bloody drama!

I totally agree!

seome1984 · 10/12/2021 20:08

Op I work with kids with Sen so do understand. A shared gift is not a problem in itself- a trampoline, a games console (2 player) is a great joint present, but a Lego set isn't really a good shared gift. Is it an actual set they have to build like a house/ boat etc or is it just Lego blocks where they can do their own thing?