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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids sharing a present from family member?

102 replies

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 17:56

My mil has given my children who are 5 and 7 one Christmas present to share. She sent it in the post this week. My older dc has moderate SEN so sharing for them is almost impossible.

AIBU to give the gift back and say it will cause so many arguments and tears on Christmas morning. I'm not sure any 5 an 7 year old would share but to expect a child with SEN to do so I feel is unfair. I would rather she just gave them a small gift each or a little money in their bank accounts or just a colouring book each really.

To be honest they both have so much for Christmas anyway but I know the one gift to share will cause my dc7 to go into full meltdown. I really want to avoid that on Christmas morning obviously.

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 10/12/2021 18:51

Nrtft

My in-laws have bought my DDs joint Lego as gifts as we asked them to. Lego is not cheap, unless it’s a small box .

Just get the other one something different. If they say anything to mil let them. If she says anything just explain your reasons, if she dosnt like it tough.

Coffeepants · 10/12/2021 18:54

You are overthinking it. Either buy another Lego or a second gift. Lego is an appropriate gift to share, wouldn’t bother me.

Offmyfence · 10/12/2021 18:57

*Are you ok??????

You are way too angry about someone you don't know.*

You started with all the ????

Are you are way too bothered about one Christmas present that you don't want, because your children get enough anyway.

Going to send it back ..... how nasty!

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 10/12/2021 18:58

A Lego set is fine as a shared present.

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:59

@Offmyfence

*Are you ok??????

You are way too angry about someone you don't know.*

You started with all the ????

Are you are way too bothered about one Christmas present that you don't want, because your children get enough anyway.

Going to send it back ..... how nasty!

Confused
OP posts:
Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 10/12/2021 18:59

Oh no op what a shame!

My sil did this she got a book for older reading dc and told the younger one to share it (couidnt read) Confused I was furious

VeganCow · 10/12/2021 19:01

I think you are definitely overthinking this. Why will it even come up in conversation. Just get any Lego set for other child and that's it. Why will she think you want her to pay for it? If she suggests that just say no it's fine.
It's one gift. They have others. It really isn't important. At all.

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 19:03

@VeganCow

I think you are definitely overthinking this. Why will it even come up in conversation. Just get any Lego set for other child and that's it. Why will she think you want her to pay for it? If she suggests that just say no it's fine. It's one gift. They have others. It really isn't important. At all.
That's the thing to mil it's very important. She always asks dc about anything she has sent and wants to know in detail/watch on FaceTime them play with it.
OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 10/12/2021 19:03

So in fact it's an old item from the loft?

Odd present! Though I can't recall any Lego in the 1980s being actual box sets so if you have that it would be worth a fortune! I'd sell it.

RedHelenB · 10/12/2021 19:04

@VeganCow

I would accept it as a well meant gift for them. If they have plenty of individual gifts anyway, it's not as if it's the only gift and their sole focus. Surely you can hold that one back til the afternoon when things are a bit calmer and say something like there's one more for you both, but it's for everyone to play with and only if you can play nicely. It may be a chance to provide a lesson in sharing, which is hard with sen but achievable on a good day (I say that with experience)
Lego is great for sharing, one can sort the pieces and pass them to the other to build. I think it will been to be played with though at a time when you or your dh cam supervise and help.
NoSquirrels · 10/12/2021 19:05

Just get a different gift that one of your children would prefer - if the Lego is better for the 7 year old give it to them. Get anything you like for the 5 year old - it does not need to be Lego!

Then just get DH to say thanks Mum but we know DS1 will love the Lego you chose so much they won’t be able to share so we’ve give DC2 an (insert gift) from you instead, that way they’ve both got something they love to open and no drama on Christmas Day.

If she is pissy about this or your DS1 not being able to share your DH tells her to be more understanding.

Stop worrying.

Hankunamatata · 10/12/2021 19:06

Just buy another lego set for other dc from grandma

rossclare · 10/12/2021 19:06

@Firstshoes

Wow all these threads about MILs and rubbish gifts. Maybe they shouldn't bother buying anything Hmm
It’s really depressing, isn’t it?
purplesequins · 10/12/2021 19:06

depends on the gift.
a boardgame, a dvd, a garden swing etc are ok to share imo.
either tell your mil (or let dh do it) and return it. or you discreetly replace with individual gifts.

rossclare · 10/12/2021 19:07

@NoSquirrels

Just get a different gift that one of your children would prefer - if the Lego is better for the 7 year old give it to them. Get anything you like for the 5 year old - it does not need to be Lego!

Then just get DH to say thanks Mum but we know DS1 will love the Lego you chose so much they won’t be able to share so we’ve give DC2 an (insert gift) from you instead, that way they’ve both got something they love to open and no drama on Christmas Day.

If she is pissy about this or your DS1 not being able to share your DH tells her to be more understanding.

Stop worrying.

I have a feeling that the OP won’t accept this excellent advice as she seems intent on returning the gift and causing drama.
NoSquirrels · 10/12/2021 19:07

That's the thing to mil it's very important. She always asks dc about anything she has sent and wants to know in detail/watch on FaceTime them play with it.

So tell her the 5 year old would like X much more and you’ve bought that from her.

She can watch them play with that.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 10/12/2021 19:07

I definitely wouldn’t send it back, I’d probably give the set to your older DC and buy a little Lego set for the younger one.

ThinWomansBrain · 10/12/2021 19:10

you said in your original post that they have too much already at christmas - at 5 & 7, do they really care too much whether a gift is from you/santa/granny?

when you've opened it and it is a bit inappropriate, maybe get DH to mention it for next year.

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 19:12

@rossclare not at all. In fact this is exactly what we are going to do. I've ordered a similar sized set for other dc.

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 10/12/2021 19:12

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas

Oh no op what a shame!

My sil did this she got a book for older reading dc and told the younger one to share it (couidnt read) Confused I was furious

Furious? Good grief, it doesn't take much.
Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 19:13

@NoSquirrels

Just get a different gift that one of your children would prefer - if the Lego is better for the 7 year old give it to them. Get anything you like for the 5 year old - it does not need to be Lego!

Then just get DH to say thanks Mum but we know DS1 will love the Lego you chose so much they won’t be able to share so we’ve give DC2 an (insert gift) from you instead, that way they’ve both got something they love to open and no drama on Christmas Day.

If she is pissy about this or your DS1 not being able to share your DH tells her to be more understanding.

Stop worrying.

This is exactly what we are going to do! Thank you
OP posts:
blubberyboo · 10/12/2021 19:13

I think you are being unreasonable. There are so many things you could do with this Lego or simply introduce it to your children as something they have to take turns with without announcing it is their Xmas gift from granny. You can’t protect your SEN child from every situation that will come up in life and throwing gifts back at people is not the answer.

BoredZelda · 10/12/2021 19:15

I'm not bashing at all. Just trying to avoid huge Christmas morning meltdowns!

And you can’t do that without posting a MIL bashing thread? I mean, you clearly don’t think you are being unreasonable, so other than telling us all how terrible she is, what other purpose is there for this?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 10/12/2021 19:15

A Lego set is fine to share.

Not ideal. Not generous. But ok - just give it to your older DC and if MIL asks says on account of their SEN it was not really viable to share.

If you can do so then buy an extra gift yourself to even it out for DC2. But don’t worry if not.

Do not send it back. Do not even get your DH to have a word. It’s a tiny thing. If no consequence at all. To send it back would be petty and unpleasant. Not everything has to be a battle.

Theunamedcat · 10/12/2021 19:15

So many people missing the point you should have posted on the sen board they would have understood

I get it, and for me it's the lack of thought that goes into a gift for your grandchild like the time they bought my youngest books for his 'age' group which he still can't read because he is over four years behind (which they know) or the jumpers and long sleeve tshirts they buy and remove the tags off (so I can't return them) knowing they have sensory processing disorder and refuse to wear long sleeves or jumpers

it's like showing them every year this is how little you mean to us we can't be bothered to get to know you even a little bit