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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids sharing a present from family member?

102 replies

Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 17:56

My mil has given my children who are 5 and 7 one Christmas present to share. She sent it in the post this week. My older dc has moderate SEN so sharing for them is almost impossible.

AIBU to give the gift back and say it will cause so many arguments and tears on Christmas morning. I'm not sure any 5 an 7 year old would share but to expect a child with SEN to do so I feel is unfair. I would rather she just gave them a small gift each or a little money in their bank accounts or just a colouring book each really.

To be honest they both have so much for Christmas anyway but I know the one gift to share will cause my dc7 to go into full meltdown. I really want to avoid that on Christmas morning obviously.

OP posts:
Offmyfence · 10/12/2021 18:33

@Mrscouldron you are bashing and sending it back would achieve what???

Just trying to cause more drama, that you're apparently trying to avoid,

VeganCow · 10/12/2021 18:33

I would accept it as a well meant gift for them. If they have plenty of individual gifts anyway, it's not as if it's the only gift and their sole focus.
Surely you can hold that one back til the afternoon when things are a bit calmer and say something like there's one more for you both, but it's for everyone to play with and only if you can play nicely.
It may be a chance to provide a lesson in sharing, which is hard with sen but achievable on a good day (I say that with experience)

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:34

@nokidshere

It's very difficult to explain to a child with the type of SEN my dc has that they need to share. Especially a Christmas gift.

Do they never share or do anything together? Are they ever going to be able to?

I agree with Offmyfence, just say thank you and put it away or give it away.

Dc has therapy at school that is helping them to learn to share amongst other things so I hope in time they will be able to share with their sibling.

They can go on family outings together but I concentrate on 1 dc and dh concentrates on the other. This way everyone can have a nice calm day.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 10/12/2021 18:35

I don't think lego is ever a mean present! And maybe they can work together in some way to make it. The whole point of gifting is that a person saw something someone would like and got it, if you asked me to return/ exchange it I'd be blown away!! Op it's not the big deal you think it is, you're reading into it because of your past with her, but your kids can't watch this sort of thing going on, mammy and granny in a tug of war over tiny things.

IsThisIt2021 · 10/12/2021 18:38

What was the Lego set OP? We might be able to
help you find another one

Offmyfence · 10/12/2021 18:38

Your not bashing @Mrscouldron bit the set is small and not in production anymore? What made you look it up? What wax the need?

To be able to give more digs to MIL?

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:39

@IsThisIt2021

What was the Lego set OP? We might be able to help you find another one
I feel like this would be super outing. It's an old set that was made in the 80s. I've been searching on eBay but an intact one is not available at the moment.
OP posts:
Restart10 · 10/12/2021 18:39

Lego is one of those gifts that it's entirely appropriate to share. We certainly did when I was a child. And maybe she thinks the same? I actually think it would be ungrateful of you to mention this to her. Just get another set.

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:40

@Restart10

Lego is one of those gifts that it's entirely appropriate to share. We certainly did when I was a child. And maybe she thinks the same? I actually think it would be ungrateful of you to mention this to her. Just get another set.
It's an old set from the 80s. I can't find another even on eBay or else I would.
OP posts:
IsThisIt2021 · 10/12/2021 18:41

Is there a similar set in the same range that you could get to gift to your DC? Just in case sharing doesn’t work out. My eldest has autism, I’m aware that sharing doesn’t always just ‘work’ and I’ve found it’s always best to have a back up plan just in case.

Offmyfence · 10/12/2021 18:42

Why does it need to be the same set? Why not just get done other Lego?

All such bloody drama!

Cornonthecobblers · 10/12/2021 18:43

Could you let them open it the day before, like a special early present, get any issues out of the way then hide it on Christmas Day so they focus on things that are less of an issue? Then in future you’ll have to be more explicit in asking her not to get them a shared present.

2toastornot2toast · 10/12/2021 18:44

I work as a teacher in SEN school. We teach all children to share, especially if only moderate sen, maybe this could be the starting point to sharing for the 7 year old if he/she is unable. Get symbols or pecs or whatever they use. Social story too.
I would not send it back or mention it. Lovely present for those ages, very kind. Mine are similar age and share lego sets.

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:45

@Offmyfence

Your not bashing *@Mrscouldron* bit the set is small and not in production anymore? What made you look it up? What wax the need?

To be able to give more digs to MIL?

To see if I could buy another one?????
OP posts:
Restart10 · 10/12/2021 18:45

Why does the sets need to match. They are different ages, so you could get something and say it's more for that age depending on which child you are giving it to.

Mudandrain · 10/12/2021 18:45

YABU sharing is an important life lesson (even a child with SEN).

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:45

@IsThisIt2021

Is there a similar set in the same range that you could get to gift to your DC? Just in case sharing doesn’t work out. My eldest has autism, I’m aware that sharing doesn’t always just ‘work’ and I’ve found it’s always best to have a back up plan just in case.
Yes I'm going to just get one similar for other dc
OP posts:
User135792468 · 10/12/2021 18:46

Of course it doesn’t need to be an identical set. Stop looking for a problem where there isn’t one. Just buy another set or label it to one child. Not everything has to be a big drama.

Offmyfence · 10/12/2021 18:47

@User135792468

Of course it doesn’t need to be an identical set. Stop looking for a problem where there isn’t one. Just buy another set or label it to one child. Not everything has to be a big drama.
Exactly and shall I send it back....
Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:47

@User135792468

Of course it doesn’t need to be an identical set. Stop looking for a problem where there isn’t one. Just buy another set or label it to one child. Not everything has to be a big drama.
This is what I'm going to do. Mil will not be happy that's the issue. She will think I want her to pay for the other set.
OP posts:
Mammma91 · 10/12/2021 18:48

Im giving my nephews a gift to share. Although its the ‘guess who’ game. But they do have a separate (small) gift each and a voucher for an activity.
BUT your mil knows your children are SEN and should have considered this when thinking about a gift.

Offmyfence · 10/12/2021 18:48

To see if I could buy another one?????

But I thought you were going to send it back ????

Whatsnewpussyhat · 10/12/2021 18:49

It's an old set that was made in the 80s

I think that's quite odd tbh. Are they into a specific old theme or something? Is their dad?

Buying a vintage set for an adult collector who had said set as a child, yes, for a young child/children and the set will just end up mixed in a box of bits, what is the point? Especially when there are so many sets available for less than £20.

Do you think she found it randomly in a charity shop or would she have actually searched for that specific one?

Is it valuable? Could you sell it and buy two new sets with the money?

Would the kids notice if you just bought a different set that one was old?

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:50

@Offmyfence

To see if I could buy another one?????

But I thought you were going to send it back ????

Are you ok??????

You are way too angry about someone you don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrscouldron · 10/12/2021 18:50

@Whatsnewpussyhat

It's an old set that was made in the 80s

I think that's quite odd tbh. Are they into a specific old theme or something? Is their dad?

Buying a vintage set for an adult collector who had said set as a child, yes, for a young child/children and the set will just end up mixed in a box of bits, what is the point? Especially when there are so many sets available for less than £20.

Do you think she found it randomly in a charity shop or would she have actually searched for that specific one?

Is it valuable? Could you sell it and buy two new sets with the money?

Would the kids notice if you just bought a different set that one was old?

Dh thinks it's possibly one of his old sets but isn't 100% sure
OP posts:
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