Page 5 | Anyone else dreading seeing their inlaws this Christmas?

Mooloolabababy · 09/12/2021 19:26

Ooh op, after reading your last comment I'd say that this issue needs resolving before you have dcs. It's not good news if dh isn't on your side. In-laws will want to visit more and expect you to visit them more too. You and dh need to be on the same page and you aren't. Dh needs to have your back and he doesn't. He's shown you who his priorities are and it's his family not you.

Mary46 · 09/12/2021 19:34

Families are hard. My mother is major work. My mil is great. No op you dont have to go sure it be miserable. My friend hated his mam. She stopped the visits.

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 09/12/2021 20:15

I feel like I'm interviewing my in laws family at Christmas! No one asks me any questions back. It's just painful at times.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 20:33

Cosey it's so incredibly rude isn't it.
It really is!!

Yes op you will be forced into handing over baby, and made to feel unreasonable for not wanting too, fighting off endless demands without backing.

JudgeJ · 09/12/2021 23:11

@PleasantBirthday

Previous poster must not have read the dirty looks and digs.

Well, I'm assuming there's a good chance that it goes both ways, to be honest, or is heavily filtered through the OP's obvious disdain.

I often think I would love to hear the other side of family disputes, it would probably be a case of six and two threes.

justasking111 · 09/12/2021 23:14

@User42729209

Sounds absolutely dire. Wouldn’t it be a shame if you had a positive lateral flow test on Christmas Eve

Great minds think alike 😅😅

Offmyfence · 09/12/2021 23:57

Could you imagine if a MIL came on here saying how much she didn't want to see her DIL?

Ostagazuzulum · 10/12/2021 06:06

@Offmyfence

Could you imagine if a MIL came on here saying how much she didn't want to see her DIL?

Can for me!!!!

I've tried really hard with my MIL over years. I didn't have grandparents really as they died young and it's important to me that my DD has a good relationship with hers no matter what I think of them (FIL barely speaks, BIL is just plain odd, rest of family are ok but MIL has made snidey comments from a few months in of us being together....friends with ex - who he'd split with before me coming along)

I've tried all sorts of things to build a relationship with her, mostly for my DH and DD but also a bit because I'd like to have close in laws. All efforts rejected. So yeah, if she came on here saying she didn't want DIL to come over then absolutely fine. Better than the fake attempts she makes to get on only when DH is in room.

You have to remember this can be a venting platform, most people like me are exasperated and tired of dealing with their problem MIL. This is a good place to vent with having to make partner listen to complaints about their own mother. This isn't representative of society completely, just a safe space to talk about something that frustrates us. It's not a MIL bashing, just a group of people who sadly didn't get a good deal with their MILs and need to vent. Human nature.

violetbunny · 10/12/2021 06:17

Who the hell cares if it will cause WW3? The only person whose opinions you should care about are yours and possibly your DH's. And frankly if he's not willing to stick up for you then he can go to hell too.

I have a vile uncle who I cannot stand. He is so incredibly condescending towards me it gives me rage. After the last incident at a family gathering I refused to ever be in the same room as him. My other relatives try to be sneaky and invite him to stuff without telling me. I've said if this happens again I will turn out of the room and go, and I mean it.

No one should have to put up with poor behaviour just because someone is a relative, or for the sake of a holiday. Your DH is taking the path of least resistance here, he is content to go along playing happy families because it's the option that involves the least amount of grief for him.

Sciurus83 · 10/12/2021 06:40

"The other problem is that unfortunately I am hot headed and go from zero to 100."..... mmm hmmm.

Sounds like a few things going on. Does it really matter? You don't see them much, seems like you want a big reckoning and DH would hate that.

WaltzingBetty · 10/12/2021 07:49

[quote PostitHositit]Obviously got out of it last Christmas.

We're driving down to IL's Boxing Day morning (They live 3 hours from us)

SIL (who will be there with her husband and brood) and I don't get on, well I say don't get on, she hates me because I'm with her brother and any attention he or her family spend on me, is less attention on her and her children

MIL is thick as thieves with SIL but pretends she likes me. It's always so fake, sly and vomit inducing. Will spend the day being nice one minute and then cold and making sly digs the next. Exhausting.

I just cannot be bothered.

I'll get through their front door after a long drive, probably hungover because y'know, Christmas the day before to MIL insisting I help her make the meal. The kitchen will be an absolute tip without any spare surface to actually prep any food on as she's an absolute calamity. The cat will be all over the small amount of available worksurfaces

WaltzingBetty · 10/12/2021 07:51

And you get 100s of dirty looks from your SIL and MIL whilst you're all sitting in the living room but your DH doesn't see anything?

Honestly you sound about 15

rookiemere · 10/12/2021 08:00

Can you at least shake up the having to start cooking after a 3 hr drive ? If you do most of the cooking on CD I'd say to DH that he could help his DM with the cooking this year as you're tired out from the day before.
Also I think you mentioned DCs. Can you throw yourself enthusiastically into games with them for the majority of the day? Means you avoid most of the passive aggressive rubbish and who knows, it might be vaguely enjoyable.

diddl · 10/12/2021 08:27

@Cozytoesandtoast00

I feel like I'm interviewing my in laws family at Christmas! No one asks me any questions back. It's just painful at times.

My ILs are a bit like this.

Not deliberate rudeness rather a lack of social skills.

Often what they chat about is stuff from the past that excludes me.

MIL would rather not give an opinion in case it's "wrong"!

Sadly relatives that they used to visit have died & their world has become smaller.

Gargellen · 10/12/2021 08:47

So basically your DH joins them in their low level abuse by not believing you. Nice.

Hoppinggreen · 10/12/2021 08:51

If you go just take a good book and go up to bed whenever you want.
If they don’t like you anyway does it matter what they think?

Original poster

PostitHositit · 10/12/2021 09:44

@WaltzingBetty, No, my issue is that she has been incredibly rude to me in the past, one time when we'd been together about 2 years. DH was sat across the other side of the table in this pub, but he thought he heard what she said to me (which was 2 rude, arsey comments in a row with me just sat there stunned as I wasn't expecting it) he DID message her when we got home and there was a big row, with her crying and them not speaking for a few weeks.

Then there was the stunt/ performance that their whole family played at my wedding, which he refuses to acknowledge but even his own friends have since told him they noticed it all.

There HAS been more serious stuff done but I'm not willing to put exact details on here.

In a nutshell, they didn't like me the first time they met me, it was instant dislike, in fact they didn't like me before they even met me, purely because we met at uni and he stayed in our university city/ county as he got offered a place on a grad scheme and has worked his way up, this just happens to me by home county and so they all think I've 'stolen him' and 'he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me, they'd have him back home with them.' None of them have ever left their hometown apart from his brother in Germany and now DH but ultimately, there are no jobs in DH's sector where they live, unless he went for a complete career change he'd never get a job back there.

OP posts:

MinnieGirl · 10/12/2021 11:03

This family are completely toxic. They are never ever going to like you or accept you. You are the nasty woman who took their son away and if it wasn’t for you he would be at home with his family where he belongs. And they will never ever let you forget that. You have years of nasty comments, spite and malice to look forward to. And when your children come along, they will totally disregard any boundaries you put in place because you don’t matter to them at all.

It’s no coincidence that the brother is in Germany…. I suspect his wife had the same treatment.

If you and DH are going to stay together, you need to have a serious talk. I would be very concerned that he didn’t have my back, and was choosing to ignore or gloss over his family’s dreadful behaviour. You talked about your wedding and that he refuses to acknowledge his family’s bad behaviour. I suspect that deep down he does know exactly what they are doing but doesn’t want to deal with it. Personally, I would want to move to the other side of the country, as far away from these dreadful people as possible. If he wants to see them fine, but you don’t have to go. They don’t like you, they don’t want you so don’t go. If they kick off be straight. You are all so rude and nasty to me why would I want to visit you? And if your DH kicks off say the same, but add in that he had the opportunity to stop it and he didn’t.

To be honest, the biggest problem you have got is not the toxic in-laws but your DH. He really needs to have your back. If he told his family he would go NC if they didn’t behave their nonsense would soon stop! But he won’t….

I definitely wouldn’t go this year but I do think you need to sort your DH out before you think about bringing children into this setup…

Have sickness and diarrhoea on the morning you are due to visit…. Easy to fake and men won’t investigate lol he can go on his own and you’ve got out of it for another year

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 10/12/2021 11:10

and you are going because??????? nothing on earth would make me put myself through that OP

JudgeJ · 10/12/2021 19:52

@Offmyfence

Could you imagine if a MIL came on here saying how much she didn't want to see her DIL?

Or the male in the family came on saying how he didn't want to spend time with his in-laws?