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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else dreading seeing their inlaws this Christmas?

120 replies

PostitHositit · 09/12/2021 12:07

Obviously got out of it last Christmas.

We're driving down to IL's Boxing Day morning (They live 3 hours from us)

SIL (who will be there with her husband and brood) and I don't get on, well I say don't get on, she hates me because I'm with her brother and any attention he or her family spend on me, is less attention on her and her children Hmm

MIL is thick as thieves with SIL but pretends she likes me. It's always so fake, sly and vomit inducing. Will spend the day being nice one minute and then cold and making sly digs the next. Exhausting.

I just cannot be bothered.

I'll get through their front door after a long drive, probably hungover because y'know, Christmas the day before to MIL insisting I help her make the meal. The kitchen will be an absolute tip without any spare surface to actually prep any food on as she's an absolute calamity. The cat will be all over the small amount of available worksurfaces Envy

OP posts:
problembottom · 09/12/2021 16:29

You either need to call them out every time they are rude, which it sounds like you won’t do, or just withdraw… this means reading a book or whatever you fancy (ideally retreating to your room after eating for a lie down, with drinks and snacks, and don’t bother to come back down). Just disengage totally, pretend you’re somewhere else. Don’t worry about being rude - they’re far ruder and if your DH won’t deal with them you have to protect yourself.

lockdownalli · 09/12/2021 16:32

It will cause WW3 if I don't go

So what? Why do you feel you cannot meet your own needs? That it's better if you are unhappy than someone else?

lurker69 · 09/12/2021 16:34

We wont be seeing them but my mil really takes offence that im very socially awkward, I really struggle with small talk but am happy to sit there not being spoken to, she knows this. When she does talk to me its mostly just to let me know she thinks im shit and ruined her sons life Grin

the80sweregreat · 09/12/2021 16:35

Yes! Last year was lovely ..

Franklyfrost · 09/12/2021 16:36

The cat on worktops is gross. But other than that the problem is that they look at you occasionally?

inferiorCatSlave · 09/12/2021 16:37

If someone had travelled 3 hours to come and see me, I wouldn't expect them to start cooking dinner when they arrived, otherwise what's the point?

I'd agree but I'd be making comments like can I had a sit down before cooking for you all having driven for 3 hours - and I'd be pulling DH in with the tasks - go and fetch him your Mum need potatoes peeling. It's clearlynot his problem till you make it his.

It would be easier not to go - but there's lots of subtle and less sublte ways to avoid a lot of these issues or at least open your DH eyes - your letting them treat you badly - let people treat you like a door mat they will wipe their feet on you.

VitaminA · 09/12/2021 16:39

We are going to spend two weeks with my ILs. I am really not happy about it. We go to stay with them twice a year and MIL spends the whole time observing, analysing and judging our kids' behaviour and our parenting. I will then get unwanted advice ("a banana isn't a proper snack. They need something else as well") , criticism veiled as questions ("do you really think it's a good idea to feed a 9 month old baby kiwi fruit?" while I am doing just that) and the inevitable sentence "MY kids never behaved like that".
I wonder if she will choose to criticise my parenting to someone else while I am clearly within hearing range, like she did the last two times.
Oddly, there have never been issues with my kids behaviour when they're in childcare or staying with my parents, so I think her criticism is actually down to a dislike of me.

Fetchthevet · 09/12/2021 16:40

If you really do have to go, challenge every snide comment. I have started standing up to my FIL recently. He always tries to embarrass me by asking personal questions. I've started to say things like "why do you want to know that?" and he's started to back down and change the subject. In the past I just used to do an embarrassed laugh. Talking back feels much better and is the only way I can cope with him.

Original poster
PostitHositit · 09/12/2021 16:40

@Franklyfrost

The cat on worktops is gross. But other than that the problem is that they look at you occasionally?
The problem is that I wouldn't ordinarily give anyone who didn't like me the time of day, much less spend a prolonged amount of time socialising with them.
OP posts:
Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 16:42

@Clovacloud

That's so painful but also hilarious Grin what a horrendous situation unless of course he's a rolling stone or actor and his "work" situations are actually fun!!

Clovacloud · 09/12/2021 16:46

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas LOL! Now that would be amazing! More imagine stories about computer cabling done in the 1980s. I work in tech and it still makes me want to die inside Grin

Original poster
PostitHositit · 09/12/2021 16:48

Sorry that others have to suffer similar. Though it does make me feel a bit better knowing I'm not completely alone Grin

OP posts:
lockdownalli · 09/12/2021 16:49

The problem is that I wouldn't ordinarily give anyone who didn't like me the time of day, much less spend a prolonged amount of time socialising with them.

So why do you think you have to make an exception for them?

They don't like you, they won't care that you aren't there, they will probably prefer it. Is this a DH issue?

If your family were hideous to him would you be more supportive of him avoiding them?

Opal8 · 09/12/2021 16:51

Record them being horrible to you on your phone?

Opal8 · 09/12/2021 16:53

My mil had form for this.

Then, at a family event earlier this year she came out with her usual bigoted crap but in front of several witnesses.

I have made it very clear to dh that she won't be seeing me again and she has no one to blame but herself.

Original poster
PostitHositit · 09/12/2021 16:54

@lockdownalli

The problem is that I wouldn't ordinarily give anyone who didn't like me the time of day, much less spend a prolonged amount of time socialising with them.

So why do you think you have to make an exception for them?

They don't like you, they won't care that you aren't there, they will probably prefer it. Is this a DH issue?

If your family were hideous to him would you be more supportive of him avoiding them?

Of course I would. He wouldn't kick up a fuss if I didn't go but I know it would hurt him, he's VERY family orientated, he loves and loves me and really, he wouldn't want a marriage where his wife wanted nothnig to do with his family UNLESS they really tripped up in front of him.

Ultimately, they make me feel extremely uncomfortable but until they're actually rude to my face in front of him I don't feel I can justify not seeing them.

We're also about to start IVF which opens another whole can of worms if I have no contact with them, If we're lucky enough to conceive, I'd want to be present when my child is with them.

OP posts:
Opal8 · 09/12/2021 16:54

I'm staying at home on boxing day and going for a long walk and a cheesy film

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 16:56

Op, who is "everyone" saying your rude for going drunk? One poster in a sea of support?. As pp said you have a dh issue though.
He does need to pick sides and defend you.

@BlueFlavour

What did your Mil do alone with your dc Confused

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 16:58

Oh dear op just read your latest update.
It gets so much worse when dc come along.
You need to get your lines drawn.
I'd be saying I'm not marrying anyone who allows their family to be rude to me.

Whitenoise123 · 09/12/2021 16:58

I really feel for you OP. Your MIL sounds exactly like my DPs Mum. I posted a thread last year about her when she sent me a spiteful message and I’ve never bothered with my any of my in-laws since.
I think it’s easier then you just accept that nothing will ever be good enough and you will never be good enough in their eyes and that’s okay. Just remember they’re the ones with the problem not you. I really would give it a miss this year! Good luck

Opal8 · 09/12/2021 16:59

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like even if they were horrible to you in front of him he'd make excuses :(

Aren't you his family too? :(

Opal8 · 09/12/2021 16:59

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas

Oh dear op just read your latest update. It gets so much worse when dc come along. You need to get your lines drawn. I'd be saying I'm not marrying anyone who allows their family to be rude to me.
100%
diddl · 09/12/2021 17:02

"He wouldn't kick up a fuss if I didn't go but I know it would hurt him"

So? They hurt you when you visit.

"but until they're actually rude to my face in front of him I don't feel I can justify not seeing them."

More fool you then.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 17:06

Clova cloud, noooo, computer cabling done in the 80s for three hours 😂😂😂🖥️💻😭😂

BrilliantBetty · 09/12/2021 17:09

I don't spend any time at all with MIL. She won't be any part of my xmas. DH will take the DC to see her for a couple of hours while I do anything else!!
We both prefer it that way.
I'll see the other half of his family who I love. Parents are separated.