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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else dreading seeing their inlaws this Christmas?

120 replies

PostitHositit · 09/12/2021 12:07

Obviously got out of it last Christmas.

We're driving down to IL's Boxing Day morning (They live 3 hours from us)

SIL (who will be there with her husband and brood) and I don't get on, well I say don't get on, she hates me because I'm with her brother and any attention he or her family spend on me, is less attention on her and her children Hmm

MIL is thick as thieves with SIL but pretends she likes me. It's always so fake, sly and vomit inducing. Will spend the day being nice one minute and then cold and making sly digs the next. Exhausting.

I just cannot be bothered.

I'll get through their front door after a long drive, probably hungover because y'know, Christmas the day before to MIL insisting I help her make the meal. The kitchen will be an absolute tip without any spare surface to actually prep any food on as she's an absolute calamity. The cat will be all over the small amount of available worksurfaces Envy

OP posts:
ny20005 · 09/12/2021 12:48

Mine showed their true colours this year in front of dh so I never have to see them again 🥳🥂

Does your dh witness all this & say nothing ?

DraigFach · 09/12/2021 12:55

We've always done Boxing Day at the in laws and I endure it for my husband and children...but this year they have to go alone because I'll be caring for my dad because quite rightfully the nurses have Boxing Day off work as we're able to step in

Whilst I get the shitty version of Christmas this year because of the arsehole disease that is MND I'm not at all upset that my Boxing Day will be spent acting as a nurse instead of being made to feel like an outsider when I'm meant to be with "family".

YANBU - finding an excuse not to go would mean you get a wonderful and peaceful Boxing Day whilst your husband gets to glory in the delight that is his family.

Ostagazuzulum · 09/12/2021 13:20

In laws live far away enough that they can't just drop in but close enough that we don't have to stay overnight.

However for years we had to trudge there on Xmas day and it was utterly miserable. Terrible food, full on resentment about me being a veggie (even though I bring my own food as they won't cater for me, I don't mind that so much). All sit round making painful small talk. BIL hides in his room, sky sports is onky tv. MIL loves telling family that I will struggle with xmas as I'm from a family that isn't very close so to go easy on me. This is bullshit as my family all live far away from. Each other. We're not that fussed about x,as but we're all quite open with each other and speak often. What I've learnt about IL's is that whilst they all live nearby none of them have a clue about each other and deal with issues by ignoring them. Not as close They'd like to think.

When it's just me and MIL in room, she likes to talk about DH ex (we've been together 13 years) or tell me I've put on weight (serious illness) or I don't come up enough to see them (on opposite shift to my husband and they never bother coming to see us despite being retired for few years and complain they get bored at home). Then she bangs on about how great DH is... actually it's me that does majority of parenting.

Few years ago I insisted we stay at home for x,as so DD could play with toys. DH agreed and now we have best xmas days just three of us. And I do my damnest to work Boxing Day to avoid the toxic woman.

QueeniesCroft · 09/12/2021 13:27

Doesn't your husband notice how unhappy you are? It doesn't sound like the in-laws are really enjoying themselves, either. Perhaps it's time to be honest and say that you hate the whole performance and think that your husband would be better going on his own.

CMOTDibbler · 09/12/2021 13:27

Boxing day used to be a day of misery for me, and not much better for DH as we always had to spend it with his family and as for the first 12 years we were together we didn't have children and the BILs did, it was all about the children. But due to the gap, it was then all about the teenagers and ds was seen as a PITA.
We got through it by playing a secret game of bingo on things that would be said/ digs/ arsey behaviour, and never staying overnight once we had a car so we could escape when it was all too much

yourestandingonmyneck · 09/12/2021 13:35

A couple of pp's have mentioned kids but you don't actually mention kids, do you have kids? Or is it just you and DH?

If it's just you and your DH I definitely wouldn't be making the effort to go. If you had kids I would make the effort so the kids can have a nice day with their grandparents and cousins, but if it's just SIL kids I'd just leave them to it. Whether DH goes or not would be up to him. Life is too short, stay at home and relax.

And I find it odd that she's moaning about not seeing him enough when he's travelling back and staying with them for days at a time and they also come and stay 2-3 times per year.

Original poster
PostitHositit · 09/12/2021 13:49

I think this is the problem.

Be thinks they sunshine’s out of his family’s backsides, they’re amazing, THEY think they’re amazing, WHY wouldn’t anyone want to spend time with them?

DH claims he hasn’t noticed SIL & MIL’s performances. Whilst he admits SIL isn’t overly friendly towards me, he says she does say hello and is civil so he can’t ask for much more. He does acknowledge that his mother can be a PIA but that ‘she means well.’

I’ve avoided them so much over the years, only seeing them when absolutely necessary (like Christmas for example) but I can tell DH has been hurt by it and then the next time I see them I have to listen to all the little digs about me avoiding them.

The problem is, I’ve never stood up and asserted myself. I’ve let the digs continue, I’ve left them be rude to me and so they saw me as ‘weak’ long ago.

They’re also ridiculous in that they AVOID conflict with each other like the plague. I’d ant I’d them are pissed off with each other, they just ignore it and if there is conflict between any of them, none of the others are allowed to know about it.

I’ve suggested before to DH that we sit down abs thrash out why exactly it is that they don’t and have never liked me and get it all out in the air, he’s said he’s prepared to do that but that he wouldn’t be picking sides. So it would be 4 against 1 and I don’t need the stress to be honest.

He has another brother who lives in Germany who is lovely, his wife is lovely but he’s always been the black sheep because he moved out really young and doesn’t really bother tbh, I can tell he finds them too intense and too much. When he’s there it’s better as it dilutes it all a bit, but he’s staying in Germany this year to spend Christmas with his wife’s family so I won’t even have him.

OP posts:
Lasair · 09/12/2021 13:54

What does your husband say? Just don’t go

Wombat69 · 09/12/2021 13:59

You have a DH problem.

Pegasussnail · 09/12/2021 14:03

Agree Sad dh won't pick sides. Fair enough but he's OK with them making digs at you.

frazzledasarock · 09/12/2021 14:04

You’re going get dogs whether you go or not.

So don’t go. Wave your DH off. And veg out on the sofa in pjs dig into the selection box and watch crap on Netflix.

Life is too short to be someone’s punch bag.

So what if you get digs at next unavoidable get together. I’d avoid that too. Id go to friends or family or a air bnb/hotel for the duration.

Your husband can host and make them welcome. They come to see him. So..

Original poster
PostitHositit · 09/12/2021 14:08

He says he’s never witnessed the digs and tbh he probably hasn’t as they’re said when he’s not in the room/ in earshot. They’re so insidious and sly.

The other problem is that unfortunately I am hot headed and go from zero to 100. I feel like I’ve kept this rage in for the last 10 years and I know that if I were to let rip, I’d really let rip and would probably cause irrevocable damage to the relationships. I find it really hard to remain calm when I’m upset or angry. I get shrieky and shouty and I wouldn’t want to do that. There’s also SO MUCH that I want to say, that it would all just come spilling out. So I keep a lid on things and say nothing and allow them to make digs etc because I know I’ll just lose my shit.

OP posts:
cereallover · 09/12/2021 14:18

I'm extremely lucky that I get on with my in law's and we are spending Christmas day there this year. Boxing day is at my parents...thats what I dread. I have nothing in common with my siblings and I'm ignored so me and husband entertain my nieces and nephews instead :)

inferiorCatSlave · 09/12/2021 14:18

I was left very angry and upset by digs - I actually felt better when I dealt with them - I had one of those moments when I realised only person upset was me and decided that wasn't fair so dealt with them.

It did make things frosty for a bit - also meant DH got some digs sent his way and could suddenly see.

Honestly though try and avoid it this year - frank talk with DH maybe.

MomOfCritters · 09/12/2021 14:23

I really sympathise with you OP, my ils made it quite clear when they first met me that they didn't like me and told DP to break up with me, they have no interest in me, never make conversation with me, seem to hate the fact that I'm a sahm and I just end up sitting silently whenever they visit. They are coming for a visit Christmas Eve and staying in a hotel, but will be staying at ours on Christmas day so me and DP will be on an air bed in the living room, I've contemplated faking covid closer to the time but DC love there grandparents so I will have to endure a fairly silent (on my part) Christmas this year.

TheDogsMother · 09/12/2021 14:24

Life's too short for this shit. You don't like them and it sounds like they don't like you. Fake illness, send DH on his own and if they get offended you probably won't be asked back. Job done.

simpledeer · 09/12/2021 14:26

I don't understand why you go? I wouldn't.

Just tell DH you don't have the energy to deal with their drama and digs, and you won't be visiting. Or if you can't face that, just come down with a cough and a fever overnight Christmas Day.

Then DH can go and you get to have a lovely time at home.

Totalwasteofpaper · 09/12/2021 14:27

Yanbu but it's one day. Help in the lousy kitchen and bring a game you can play with the kids...

My in laws are 3 hours away and like to be "the guests" but also complain they aren't treated the same as my side who help out and make themselves at home
They have invited themselves down to stay for 5 days so we get to feed and host them for almost a week... oh and I will be 7 months pregnant.

Fetchthevet · 09/12/2021 14:30

I agree with PPs who say fake an illness and don't go. It's not worth it is it? They're not going to change.

TheOrigRights · 09/12/2021 14:31

I have a rather unconventional relationship with my ILs.
I have been divorced from their son for 5 years. He has no contact with any of his family, and indeed I didn't have much contact with them either while we were married (one of his controlling behaviours).

Anyway, me and my sons have a great relationship with them now. Sadly MIL has early dementia and FIL is very unwell with Parkinson's, so while the love is there, the fun isn't so much.

They live nearby so we will see them over the holiday period. FIL is in a care home and we have to book to see residents, so we shall go Xmas day for a bit.

diddl · 09/12/2021 14:36

Oh, so he has to witness the digs himself does he?

So he doesn't believe you?

SIL is civil & that's OK, MIL "means well" & that's OK-but more is expected of you?

Why would that be?

When you explode & tell MIL to fuck off with her nasty digs, you'll be meaning well won't you?

ItsDinah · 09/12/2021 14:42

If you must go,take your knitting,observe social distancing and wear a mask and gloves. You would never forgive yourself if you passed Covid on to the cat. Take Dreamies and a new toy for the cat. Most cat owners can talk about them for hours on end so you could perhaps bet yourself how long you can sustain cat chat. I think you need to have targets to get you through this sort of scenario. One I enjoy is seeing how quickly I can get other people to be rude to me.

Chasingaftermidnight · 09/12/2021 14:42

I know you say your DH doesn’t witness the digs but does it matter? He should believe you for a start, and you don’t need to put up with it.

I get a lot of the ‘it’s just her way’ stuff from DH about his mum. Which I think is true. It is her way. That doesn’t mean I have to put up with it when it makes me tense and stressed and unhappy.

ItsSunnyOutside · 09/12/2021 14:44

I really wouldn't go op. I know it's dhs family and you are trying to keep the peace etc but it's really not worth it. There comes a time when you just need to stop trying and accept you are different.

oldestmumaintheworld · 09/12/2021 14:49

I had this with my MIL and put up with it for more than ten years. Mainly because my mother told me that I should make an effort with them, so I did. Not any more. I just don't go. No explanation from me - I have not idea what husband said - I just didn't go. It's a huge relief. I realised that as an adult I don't have to put up with being with people I don't like. So I don't.