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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else dreading seeing their inlaws this Christmas?

120 replies

PostitHositit · 09/12/2021 12:07

Obviously got out of it last Christmas.

We're driving down to IL's Boxing Day morning (They live 3 hours from us)

SIL (who will be there with her husband and brood) and I don't get on, well I say don't get on, she hates me because I'm with her brother and any attention he or her family spend on me, is less attention on her and her children Hmm

MIL is thick as thieves with SIL but pretends she likes me. It's always so fake, sly and vomit inducing. Will spend the day being nice one minute and then cold and making sly digs the next. Exhausting.

I just cannot be bothered.

I'll get through their front door after a long drive, probably hungover because y'know, Christmas the day before to MIL insisting I help her make the meal. The kitchen will be an absolute tip without any spare surface to actually prep any food on as she's an absolute calamity. The cat will be all over the small amount of available worksurfaces Envy

OP posts:
TrueGrit54 · 09/12/2021 14:55

I absolutely would not go. I would have no problem saying to DH, I’m not going, I don’t enjoy myself, they aren’t terribly nice to me. Not doing it anymore. Don’t make it a huge deal, stick to your guns.

4 years ago I did something similar (not about my in laws). I just out of the blue had a revelation that something I had to do out of duty but hated I didn’t have to do anymore. I just announced I was giving myself a 50th birthday present of never going to the place I hated ever again. Everyone accepted it. It’s made me so happy.

Take control of your life is my advice.

HisuiNatsutachi · 09/12/2021 14:57

I empathise with you dear OP. Sounds shitty. I've been with my hubby for the past 10 years and live in his country, and a little too close to the ILs, who are extremely... territorial, inhospitable, lacking any compassion or social niceties. It really broke me at the start of our relationship thinking that I needed to fit in with them, but the constant digs and Mil trying to assert her place in the pecking order was too much. And my hubby and I fought non stop. Then one day, I grew stronger and thought, f*ck this. Now every family gathering, which is about once a fortnight, my hubby goes alone and I get some much needed peace in the home or go out with friends. It's great! When I do see them, yeah, there's the hostility and petty digs but guess what? I really don't care about them or their small minds anymore. And I have never tried to stop DP visiting them, he's free to do what he wants.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/12/2021 14:57

He wouldn't pick sides!? Why the fuck not?

I'd just ask what they mean by it or ask them to explain. Every single dig. And turn up with a plaster on your hand if you don't want to be dragged into helping (personally I'd be fine with helping as while I have a task I dont have to talk however it's different if this is when they are making the digs

TrueGrit54 · 09/12/2021 14:57

oldestmumaintheworld exactly! Love your post.

WakeUpLockie · 09/12/2021 15:05

Life is too short. FIL actually asked DH to pick sides and he did (me, obviously). Sorry yours didn’t. I don’t know what to say about that. Very difficult.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/12/2021 15:05

I'll get through their front door after a long drive, probably hungover because y'know, Christmas the day before to MIL insisting I help her make the meal

I actually think showing up to your in laws hungover for their Christmas thing is pretty disrespectful and poor form. And helping cook as a family guest is totally fine.

The rest of it sounds bad

QueeniesCroft · 09/12/2021 15:08

OP, given your last post, I suspect that putting an end to it now (when you can relatively calmly explain your reasoning) will be the gentler approach- if you blow up either there or shortly afterwards then it could get really ugly.

Think about your choices- you can stop going (and perhaps look at limiting their visits to you eventually) and suffer this every year until they all die, or you can stop it and feel the relief of the end of the obligation. At the moment, your husband is letting everyone else feel the stress (his family don't seem happy for you to be there, you hate going), so that he can have what he wants. Yes, he will be upset and probably also angry, but frankly he deserves that. This is the consequence of him dismissing the terrible treatment you have told him about for years.

frazzledasarock · 09/12/2021 15:10

Tell your H you’re not going. It’s just the way you are

diddl · 09/12/2021 15:15

"Be thinks they sunshine’s out of his family’s backsides, they’re amazing, THEY think they’re amazing, WHY wouldn’t anyone want to spend time with them?"

That's really odd.

Does he really not comprehend that some people might find them difficult/not like them?

Goonie2000 · 09/12/2021 15:18

Say you're ill and have a bad period and don't go or just tell them the truth that you don't want to go as they clearly don't like you and make you feel uncomfortable, your husband could go alone,it's horrible he's not sticking up for you anyway, I wouldn't put up with people like that no one. Have a day to yourself or something

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 15:19

Oldest mum in the world, its terrible advice to ask people to put up with stuff isn't it!!

My df did the same sort of thing with my in laws, I will never be giving dc this advice!. Yes make an effort to start with if course, but if after a few years they get treated like I have or many dil on here... Definitely cut the cord and drop the rope

Chloemol · 09/12/2021 15:20

Just don’t go. Tell your dh he can go and take the kids

Live is too short to spend time with people who don’t like you

If they ask, tell them the truth, why not? Then you won’t get invited to anything, job done

Avarua · 09/12/2021 15:25

This is a normal family Christmas, OP. Suck it up, it's one day.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2021 15:30

Your husband is useless, and his lack of support for his wife is disgraceful.

Stand up for yourself and refuse to go. He can have a fun time all on his own.

BlueFlavour · 09/12/2021 15:33

This sounds so familiar. Did your dh have a happy childhood? Is he caught up in FOG?
I don’t know what the answer is. Dh is as much a victim as I am with his family. Cold, negative, manipulative, sly digs, favouritism, disapproval, we have it all, not so much Christmas cheer Grin
I would talk to your dh again. Why is he so defensive? Try to get to the bottom of it. Do you have dc? How are they with them?
I will never ever leave my mil alone with my dc ever again. Even if I’m in the house. She’s quick!

newyearsresolurion · 09/12/2021 15:43

That’s really bad! I’d fake an illness life is indeed too short x

Just10moreminutesplease · 09/12/2021 15:47

That sounds painful. Why doesn’t your husband offer to help in the kitchen instead of you?

1forAll74 · 09/12/2021 15:51

If you all can't learn, or bring yourselves to be harmonious all together for Christmas day etc, it's best to stay away from the unfestive days..When you say that some people hate things about eachother,it's even worse, and a good reason to not go, and join in.

Ourlady · 09/12/2021 16:04

So does your husband think you are lying...or exaggerating?
He should be saying something to them about the way they are treating you and believe you when you tell him those things.
I would either be telling him you are not going where you are obviously not welcome or warn him that if they start their antics this christmas then you will be pulling them up every. single. time. and he will just have to suck it up.
Not taking sides indeed! You're his bloody wife.

frazzledasarock · 09/12/2021 16:07

I suspect as OP said her SIL is golden child. Her H is relieved that OP is there to take the brunt of the meanness and he doesn’t get criticised.

Probably why he never ‘sees’ it and it’s just the ‘way they are’

Nevermakeit · 09/12/2021 16:11

Every MIL makes digs. Though usually, we (DIL) are over-sensitive. I have worked myself up into a frenzy on some of my MIL, but if someone else had said same thing I would prob have laughed.

Don't turn up hungover, that's rude. Try not to be alone in the room with them (get your DH to be in the kitchen when you help - he can help too)
And then for the rest of the day, play with the kids, or bring a magazine to read when everyone is watching TV? Or, if you have a room there, say you are very tired from lots of work and need to go for a nap. My SIL used to do this and disappear for 2 hours!

diddl · 09/12/2021 16:14

@Avarua

This is a normal family Christmas, OP. Suck it up, it's one day.
Is it hell normal!
SparklyGlasses · 09/12/2021 16:20

Ugh, sounds awful! I think you need to just glue yourself to your DH as much as possible to deflect their dirty looks and digs. Or busy yourself making everyone cups of tea or drinks or something. And jabber on endlessly about food prep and other meaningless things if you're stuck with MIL in the kitchen!

Original poster
PostitHositit · 09/12/2021 16:23

To everyone saying turning up hungover is rude....I don't mean throwing up/ banging head/ unable to function hungover. I'm talking slightly hungover because it's CHRISTMAS DAY the day before and unlike them, myself and my family enjoy having a few drinks on Christmas Day. It wouldn't bother me fi someone turned up to my house hungover, why would it? I know I'm not the centre of the universe.

As to the helping her make the dinner, I think this is just a personal thing but tbh I think it's rude. I would never let a guest lift a finger in my home and that includes them when they come to stay (If nothing else because I don't want them getting over familiar in my home as they already act like they own it when they come to stay) so I wouldn't expect to be doing chores etc at theirs either. If someone had travelled 3 hours to come and see me, I wouldn't expect them to start cooking dinner when they arrived, otherwise what's the point?! They may as well have stayed at home and cooked. That's part of the benefit of being a guest, don't offer to host if you don't want to host.

It will cause WW3 if I don't go so I'm going to have to, I'm just dreading it already.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/12/2021 16:26

"It will cause WW3 if I don't go"

With whom?

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