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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think school didn’t handle this right?

103 replies

Adylans · 08/12/2021 19:21

DS is 8, in year 4 and autistic. Doing generally well at school now after a really difficult first few years. Has an EHCP in place.
This morning he was refusing to go into school. He has a new preventer inhaler and he hates it basically and it causes a lot of issues and that is what triggered the whole thing this morning. Last night he had an hour + long meltdown over it and this morning was similar when he had to have it.
I really don’t think his school handled the situation properly at all and I just feel, I don’t know upset/worried about the way they were acting towards him.
The first thing that concerned me was that they were stood there saying to each other “he’s smiling” “yeah I know he is” insinuating that they think he’s just doing it on purpose for attention or whatever. He wasn’t he just smiles inappropriately sometimes, so do I. it’s not exactly unheard of. And he was probably feeling awkward because they were grabbing him. They kept telling him “mums not going to take you home” if I’m honest if they hadn’t said that I would have suggested I take him home to cool off then bring him in after half an hour or so.
Second was that two teachers grabbed him and tried to drag him into school and I said I didn’t want them to and they were clearly annoyed by this.
It had been about 2 minutes of him not going in, he usually goes in just fine (finally after a lot of issues ) and I just don’t think he really deserves to be physically dragged into school. I’ve watched them do it once before and it was horrible, he’s 8 and quite strong so it takes a lot of force and he just throws himself to the ground and then they try pulling him up and he grabs o to the fence etc and It’s all ends up really unpleasant/ quite extreme and not helpful and he wasn’t doing anything to warrant it- he wasn’t hurting anyone or doing anything dangerous. Then the headteacher came out and (again, clearly annoyed with me for not letting them drag him in) and said to “take him home then we don’t have enough staff” so I did.
The whole thing was only about 15 minutes it’s not like he was kicking off refusing for ages he wasn’t. He wasn’t even kicking off because he was completely shut down and not speaking at all.
I feel like they all just think I’m awkward and let him get away with everything now but I’m not and I don’t, I just don’t want my autistic kid dragged into school and through a classroom full of his peers for no real reason whatsoever. W being going in fine for almost a year with no issue. Honestly if they didn’t try to grab him and just gave him a bit of time he’d have been fine.
I’m going to try and see if the dr can prescribe something different for his asthma as he just isn’t getting used to it at all but there will always be something, he isn’t going to be perfectly fine 100% of the time and I hate the idea of him being treated like a nuisance for something he can’t help.

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 08/12/2021 19:27

Physically dragging a child into school? What??

Is there a plan for this? Risk assessment and training? Or they just decided to grab him?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 08/12/2021 19:29

You were more restrained than I would have been op. If this is there go to method I would be looking for a new school..

Original poster

Adylans · 08/12/2021 19:30

DS was trying to hold onto me and they both grabbed him (multiple times actually) and told me to leave whilst they where trying to force him towards the door into school and i said no because I don’t want him to get hurt.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 19:32

No teacher should ever try and physically force a child to go anywhere. I don't know how you were so calm.

2bazookas · 08/12/2021 19:36

The whole thing was only about 15 minutes

15 minutes when two members of staff needed to be indoors with a larger group of children, getting the school day routine off to a smooth start. A busy and very demanding time of day for them..

Couldn;t you suggest " "You two go in, leave him here with me and when he's ready I'll bring him in. "

shouldistop · 08/12/2021 19:39

I'd really struggle to control my temper if an adult was manhandling one of my children (unless it was to keep them or others safe). That's not on at all.

FatCatThinCat · 08/12/2021 19:39

They really have no understanding of autism don't they. I can't imagine a teacher doing that to my autistic 8 year old. He'd never feel safe with them again if they tried to drag him anywhere. Your poor son.

shouldistop · 08/12/2021 19:40

@2bazookas since they're the 'professionals' in charge of the situation couldn't they have suggested that?

HotPenguin · 08/12/2021 19:40

They shouldn't be using physical force on him in that situation, and the fact they are trying to suggests they havent had the appropriate training about using physical force. It sounds like a very poor approach they are taking.

Original poster

Adylans · 08/12/2021 19:44

2bazookas- He’s autistic and they know he is. He didn’t require two members of staff (only that they needed two to be able to drag him in) realistically just one because he obviously can’t be unsupervised in the playground but it is in his EHCP that he can leave the classroom when he needs to and a staff member is to supervise etc, so how is that different to a staff member waiting outside with him?
They were only going to take him into the nurture room to do Lego. It would take no extra staff to do that than it would to just let him cool off.
I would have minded if they suggested I take him home that’s fine. Glad to. But they were being very clearly arsey and making out that he was doing it on purpose

OP posts:

Disgruntledpelicanlady · 08/12/2021 19:44

As someone who works in sen - completely inappropriate. I would be complaining to governors and not sending ds back. If they are happy to use restraint so inappropriately in front of you god knows what they think it is OK with no parents watching

Original poster

Adylans · 08/12/2021 19:44

*wouldn’t have minded

OP posts:

Crepuscularshadows · 08/12/2021 19:47

Grabbing your child definitely isn't ok. You need to take this conversation with them into a formal setting where you set out your expectations of their behaviour. I'd be incandescent if I was you, by the way.

One thing I've found really helpful over time with DS1 (ASD diagnosis but a teen now) is to be really professional in my expectations of school staff - they're my colleagues in getting my son through school, and by being really really clear about what I want to happen and by knowing when to flex and when to kick up the mother of shitstorms we've ended up in a place where we all know where we stand. It's working well.

E.g. with this issue of school gate refusal I'd have his trusted person (guidance teacher) do the handoff at the gate. If he wouldn't go with her, we'd agree that the next steps would be another try 15 minutes later. My ds was really agitated by my being agitated so things that de-escalated issues worked well for us. I like knowing how it's going to work so I can tell him how is going to work. If it's agreed ahead then there's no stress. I had five or six things that had prescribed running orders.

You're stuck with school for the foreseeable so being able to manage it to your satisfaction matters, but having a plan will help everyone get it right for your child.

soapboxqueen · 08/12/2021 19:48

They are treating him like he's naughty and petulant rather than as a child with additional needs.

Even if he were, they should not be manhandling him into school.

I'd put in a complaint.

Ask for a meeting about his plan in school particularly as to their training for physically handling children.

There needs to be a process for getting him into school when he is agitated.

I'd personally be worrying about how they treat him if you aren't there if they act that way when you are.

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2021 19:54

Have you talked to the head teacher after you dropped him of again and express your concerns how this was handled. Does he have action plan in echp for school refusal?

HangryHangryHippo · 08/12/2021 19:54

Hi, I’m sorry that you and your DS have experienced this. I’ve been a long time lurker on mn, but felt so cross reading your post that I had to sign up and reply to you.
I’m the lead in a unit for children with autism within a mainstream primary. Nobody should be dragging your boy anywhere, ever. They are on very dodgy legal ground. He was not a danger to others, himself or property. Even if he was, best practice is to try de-escalation techniques first. Challenge the school- ask to see their positive handling policy and what positive handling training staff have received. If they continue to lay hands on him without a valid reason and proper training you will be reporting them for assault.

What does he hate about the new preventer?

Original poster

Adylans · 08/12/2021 19:57

Hankunamatata- I didn’t take him back she told me to take him home for the day so he’s been home all day

OP posts:

Original poster

Adylans · 08/12/2021 19:59

HangryHangryHippo- I’m not sure he is completely fine with the relief/blue one but just absolutely hates the brown one, says it tastes bad but I think it may be because he has to have it every morning and night and it’s a bit of a demand avoidance thing I’m not 100% sure

OP posts:

AbsolutelyFuckinFabulousDarlin · 08/12/2021 20:03

Your poor lad, it must have been terrifying for him. Nobody should be grabbing him
The school seems unsure how to handle this and now that you've witnessed it first hand you have to take it further.
Document what you saw and say you do not give your permission to touch your son. It's their frustration that is driving this

laalaaland · 08/12/2021 20:04

I'd ask for an urgent meeting/phone call to discuss this with the SENCO at the school. It's important that school drop off doesn't become horrible for him, as he had been going in fine for so long.
You need to be clear on what support you need - and don't need- from them at drop off so that you can all be consistent in the approach and your son will feel calmer.

Basilandparsleyandmint · 08/12/2021 20:04

With respect to you and your child and fully understand it’s upsetting for you, however staff do not drag children into school. We are not allowed - team teach is used to bring children in within guidelines.
Staff are short at the school I work at due to illness and covid and perhaps do not have time and recourses at the moment to spend the usual amount of time being as verbally positive to your child’s needs for encouragement into school and perhaps that has some baring on your experience

Original poster

Adylans · 08/12/2021 20:08

Basilandparsleyandmint- I mean yea they do? I’ve seen them do it before which is why I wouldn’t let them this time because it was so awful to watch.
They 100% grabbed him and were trying to force him in, he was leaning all his weight forward to try and get them off of him and they were pulling him. Enough so that his feet were off the ground at times. It was completely unnecessary and actually just escalated the situation he wasn’t doing a single thing wrong he was just stood still, making noises but not talking. That’s it. That’s all he did

OP posts:

Summerfun54321 · 08/12/2021 20:09

How awful for you and your DC. That really doesn’t sound like an environment where your DC is going to flourish, far from it.

Original poster

Adylans · 08/12/2021 20:11

laalaaland- the headteacher is the SENCO which is a whole issue in itself.
I’m going to try and come up with a better plan for if this continues because as you say I really don’t want drop offs to become an issue for him again e

OP posts:

Basilandparsleyandmint · 08/12/2021 20:12

That sounds very hard handed of them and very stressful for you - in that case definitely speak to school for an explanation. We have had to bring children in before and it’s not nice for all involved but we have to positively handle the children to a safe space for down time x

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