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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think school didn’t handle this right?

103 replies

Adylans · 08/12/2021 19:21

DS is 8, in year 4 and autistic. Doing generally well at school now after a really difficult first few years. Has an EHCP in place.
This morning he was refusing to go into school. He has a new preventer inhaler and he hates it basically and it causes a lot of issues and that is what triggered the whole thing this morning. Last night he had an hour + long meltdown over it and this morning was similar when he had to have it.
I really don’t think his school handled the situation properly at all and I just feel, I don’t know upset/worried about the way they were acting towards him.
The first thing that concerned me was that they were stood there saying to each other “he’s smiling” “yeah I know he is” insinuating that they think he’s just doing it on purpose for attention or whatever. He wasn’t he just smiles inappropriately sometimes, so do I. it’s not exactly unheard of. And he was probably feeling awkward because they were grabbing him. They kept telling him “mums not going to take you home” if I’m honest if they hadn’t said that I would have suggested I take him home to cool off then bring him in after half an hour or so.
Second was that two teachers grabbed him and tried to drag him into school and I said I didn’t want them to and they were clearly annoyed by this.
It had been about 2 minutes of him not going in, he usually goes in just fine (finally after a lot of issues ) and I just don’t think he really deserves to be physically dragged into school. I’ve watched them do it once before and it was horrible, he’s 8 and quite strong so it takes a lot of force and he just throws himself to the ground and then they try pulling him up and he grabs o to the fence etc and It’s all ends up really unpleasant/ quite extreme and not helpful and he wasn’t doing anything to warrant it- he wasn’t hurting anyone or doing anything dangerous. Then the headteacher came out and (again, clearly annoyed with me for not letting them drag him in) and said to “take him home then we don’t have enough staff” so I did.
The whole thing was only about 15 minutes it’s not like he was kicking off refusing for ages he wasn’t. He wasn’t even kicking off because he was completely shut down and not speaking at all.
I feel like they all just think I’m awkward and let him get away with everything now but I’m not and I don’t, I just don’t want my autistic kid dragged into school and through a classroom full of his peers for no real reason whatsoever. W being going in fine for almost a year with no issue. Honestly if they didn’t try to grab him and just gave him a bit of time he’d have been fine.
I’m going to try and see if the dr can prescribe something different for his asthma as he just isn’t getting used to it at all but there will always be something, he isn’t going to be perfectly fine 100% of the time and I hate the idea of him being treated like a nuisance for something he can’t help.

OP posts:

HangryHangryHippo · 08/12/2021 20:16

Re. sending him home- this is an informal exclusion and not legal. In your meeting/ letter I’d make it clear that this is not to happen again going forward.
You could ask for an emergency EHCP review as his needs aren’t being properly met and insist on a representative from the local authority SEND department attending.
Also, try your local SENDIAS for support and advice.

ldontWanna · 08/12/2021 20:16

@Adylans

Basilandparsleyandmint- I mean yea they do? I’ve seen them do it before which is why I wouldn’t let them this time because it was so awful to watch. They 100% grabbed him and were trying to force him in, he was leaning all his weight forward to try and get them off of him and they were pulling him. Enough so that his feet were off the ground at times. It was completely unnecessary and actually just escalated the situation he wasn’t doing a single thing wrong he was just stood still, making noises but not talking. That’s it. That’s all he did

Did you ask them to wait inside and you'll stay outside with him until he comes down from his high point and then try again?

Not saying this is your fault, but sometimes staff are so focused on what must happen NOW that they get a bit of tunnel vision and forget there are other options. You need a back up plan/alternative that you are confident in and is communicated clearly.

Considering today amounted to an (illegal) exclusion a meeting is definitely needed with the head/SENCO about what can be put in place for next time, their restraint/holding policy etc. What training do the staff have and are they using techniques that are very unlikely to cause harm? You need reassurance and a review from many points of view.

MrsBobDylan · 08/12/2021 20:18

They behaved very badly. At best they are clueless, at worst, they think they know everything there is to know about SEN.

My son goes to a SS. I have seen children arrive who are still in pyjamas or who have stopped off in the taxi on the way there.

I have never seen any staff lay hands on those kids. A taxi drive touched my son, punching him on the shoulder while threatening him and he was sacked. We reported him to the Police and he was given a warning.

Your son's school have majorly fucked up.

MrsBobDylan · 08/12/2021 20:21

Like others have said, you need to take this to SENDIASS. They will help you deal with the school.

WhatWhenWhoWhy · 08/12/2021 20:23

Can you clarify @Adylans:
he usually goes in just fine (finally after a lot of issues )

So there have been issues before getting him in. What happened then? How was it resolved and what was agreed going forward to support your DS?

Where were you both at the time? Did the staff feel he was a danger to himself or to others based on previous?

WhatWhenWhoWhy · 08/12/2021 20:27

The other thing I'm going to suggest too is that if your child has had a meltdown that morning, you phone ahead and let the school know. It will then help them prepare to get things ready in place (his adult support or agreed strategies).

Original poster

Adylans · 08/12/2021 20:30

WhatWhenWhoWhy- the previous issues were more caused by his needs not being met in school and then lockdown happened and he got an EHCP during that time and a very understanding class teacher (and goes to a farm twice a week so only 3 full school days and never twice in a row) and he just stopped refusing to go into school and started even enjoying it. Previous times he’d either eventually agreed to go in, or got sent home. They have previously forced him in and it was awful which is why I didn’t want it happening again.
We were in the playground he wasn’t doing anything at all other than standing still, with his head on me and not talking no reason to think he was a danger to anyone

OP posts:

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 08/12/2021 20:32

The only time it acceptable to touch an 8 year old is if they are someone else is in danger. If they did that in front of you imagine how they behave when your not around. I would make a huge complaint then move schools. They have a nurture room but clearly don’t understand the first thing about the nurture approach.

SequinsandStiIettos · 08/12/2021 20:36

Hi OP
Sounds very stressful.
Were you early, on time or late?
Was drop-off at the door or via the main entrance?
Was DS refusing to walk, on the floor or refusing to let you go?
I ask only because there have been occasions when I have been doing the dragging of my own son/fireman's lift, to get him on the actual premises.
Usually, we have been very late indeed and there was no staff back-up.
I suspect the issue was the two staff thought they were trying to help you and get him in. They didn't/don't want a pattern of refusing meaning non-attendance and they appear to be operating on the idea that your DS is wilful/choosing his own behaviours as opposed to spiralling/not being able to regulate his emotions.
Telling you to take him home is illegal if not recorded as an exclusion.
You need to write a letter recording objectively what happened, what you and your son needed, what you would like to happen next time - for this not to happen again.
I would also want recorded that you do not want restraint used (if you don't and it is practical).
You need to make it clear that you/they are not 'giving in/letting him have his own way' by providing time for de-escalating before he goes to his safe space (especially if he is demand-avoidant as part of his diagnosis) ...but during a meltdown or shortly after it, you as a parent need x and y. This ought to then be followed...whether that's a TA or learning mentor sitting with him, you staying with him on a bench or in reception, or there being a familiar routine or script to the handover.
You also need to add in 30-60 minutes onto the morning if you know the inhaler will be a trigger, to give you some de-escalation time in the car or on the playground.
Take care. Big Hugs Xx

ChiefStockingStuffer · 08/12/2021 20:37

@2bazookas

The whole thing was only about 15 minutes

15 minutes when two members of staff needed to be indoors with a larger group of children, getting the school day routine off to a smooth start. A busy and very demanding time of day for them..

Couldn;t you suggest " "You two go in, leave him here with me and when he's ready I'll bring him in. "

This

We are on our knees staff-wise. You would be shocked if you knew what are ratios currently are. YABU re your 'only 15 minutes' comment while 2 members of staff and the Head had to attend to this. You have no idea what it's like right now.

elbea · 08/12/2021 20:39

Brown inhalers do taste pretty gross even as an adult. I used to hate having it as a child!

Daisyv2 · 08/12/2021 20:39

Ofsted

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 20:39

We are on our knees staff-wise. You would be shocked if you knew what are ratios currently are.

If the school can't accommodate his needs they should say so.

WhatWhenWhoWhy · 08/12/2021 20:43

So more of a shutdown that a meltdown? I think you definitely need to sit down with the SENDCO and talk this through. You and they need to have agreed strategies in place in order to successfully manage any future situations.

If you left the playground, would he follow you or go with staff? (Prior to this incident)

Does he have a staff member to support him (were they there today if so?)?

Is there a quiet/safe space/place for him to go to within the school when he feels he needs that quiet time?

Original poster

Adylans · 08/12/2021 20:44

ChiefStockingStuffer- two members of staff and the head didn’t NEEX to attend to this they decided to. He wasn’t doing anything to anyone he was standing still.
They were going to take him into nurture anyway, which would have required a staff member.

tbh you don’t get to manhandle children with SEN just because your short staffed. It isn’t his fault. He can’t just stop being autistic because the school are short staffed??? of that’s the case they could have explained about the staffing situation and I’d have happily taken him home or taken him off to de-escalate. He’d have needed less staff to have stayed with him (one?) to calm down than it took to try and force him in so the staff issue makes no sense realistically.

OP posts:

ArthurTudor · 08/12/2021 20:50

There's no excuse for using inappropriate restraint. No one should be dragging a child into school. As a teacher you know this is unacceptable. The staff are also putting themselves in a vulnerable position doing so.

I would make a complaint about this.

AbsolutelyFuckinFabulousDarlin · 08/12/2021 20:52

I understood that Team teach should only be used if all verbal and non verbal reasoning has been exhausted and the pupil is in danger or is a danger to others or property
Unless the guidelines have been changed?
Sorry OP, I'm just trying to get my head around why they would physically touch him

MOmiMa · 08/12/2021 21:00

Why did you bring him to the gates, then, if you weren't prepared to leave him at school? What are poor teachers to do if you bring him to school? I am pretty sure, if teachers did not try to encourage (drag?- I just can not believe it if you are in the UK) him to school, you would be on here, complaining, that teachers were refusing to take your son into school.
Of course, it is always easier to blame someone else, but yourself.

MOmiMa · 08/12/2021 21:04

@Basilandparsleyandmint

With respect to you and your child and fully understand it’s upsetting for you, however staff do not drag children into school. We are not allowed - team teach is used to bring children in within guidelines. Staff are short at the school I work at due to illness and covid and perhaps do not have time and recourses at the moment to spend the usual amount of time being as verbally positive to your child’s needs for encouragement into school and perhaps that has some baring on your experience

👍 👏

shouldistop · 08/12/2021 21:06

I don't know if this will help at all but can your ds have a small bit of his favourite sweet or fruit or something for after his brown inhaler?

lololololollll · 08/12/2021 21:10

I'm fuming on your behalf

mumwon · 08/12/2021 21:11

black current squash or whatever squash he likes to drink (a treat as well as washing the flavour away)afterwards

Original poster

Adylans · 08/12/2021 21:11

MOmiMa- well I had to take his younger sibling otherwise I’d likely have stayed at home longer with him. I’m a single parent so
No I wouldn’t have co planned and I was willing to leave him at school, I just wasn’t willing to have teachers grabbing him whilst leaving him at school? I didn’t know he was going to refuse to go in.
He’s autistic FFS he wasn’t doing anything g to warrant being grabbed.
I’m not sure why you don’t believe it? Maybe it’s referred to as positive handeling or teamteach or whatever by schools I don’t know, but it looks an awful lot like grabbing him and pulling him toward the door which IMO is dragging.
“What are the poor teachers to do if you bring him to school” sorry what? Poor teachers why!? He’s autistic and he was acting you know, autistic because… he’s autistic. Not an inconvenience. Autistic. They know that. He has an EHCP. And I have to take him to school I can’t just keep him off for no reason they’d put it down as an unauthorised absence.

OP posts:

lololololollll · 08/12/2021 21:13

@Adylans

MOmiMa- well I had to take his younger sibling otherwise I’d likely have stayed at home longer with him. I’m a single parent so No I wouldn’t have co planned and I was willing to leave him at school, I just wasn’t willing to have teachers grabbing him whilst leaving him at school? I didn’t know he was going to refuse to go in. He’s autistic FFS he wasn’t doing anything g to warrant being grabbed. I’m not sure why you don’t believe it? Maybe it’s referred to as positive handeling or teamteach or whatever by schools I don’t know, but it looks an awful lot like grabbing him and pulling him toward the door which IMO is dragging. “What are the poor teachers to do if you bring him to school” sorry what? Poor teachers why!? He’s autistic and he was acting you know, autistic because… he’s autistic. Not an inconvenience. Autistic. They know that. He has an EHCP. And I have to take him to school I can’t just keep him off for no reason they’d put it down as an unauthorised absence.

Please don't rise to the ignorance here OP.

Franklydear · 08/12/2021 21:14

@Adylans just for info, I can taste my red inhaler, even know it says I shouldn’t, but I can, it’s not particularly nice, I am also an autism mum, I wouldn’t tolerate that, you need to escalate this, but you know that, also well done for advocating for your child so well

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