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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my father's partner the truth....

124 replies

Cellobear · 08/12/2021 14:19

My DM died 2 years ago.
Just over a year after my mum's death my DF met a lovely woman, I thought it was a bit soon but it was nice to see him happy. Because of covid we have only met her a handful of times but she seems like a really nice person, also bereaved with kids and grandkids. They see each other every day and are now talking of moving in together.
The thing is my father is lying to her he has told her that he has 2 kids (me and my sister) he failed to mention my brother who is currently in prison, he also failed to mention my brothers 4 kids (his grandkids). My brother is a violent abusive addict we are all NC with him since after our DMs death, and over the years we have had to get protective orders as he has targeted our homes.
DF told me early on that he wasn't telling her about DB, he didn't say why but I'm guessing it was in case she didn't want to take on the baggage.
I was complicit in his lie I hide my wedding photos when she came over to our house as DB and his family are in them, i didn't mention my nephews etc.

But now I'm feeling really guilty, this lady is so nice and eventually she is going to find out that everyone has been lying to her. Df cannot keep that secret forever, My DF and I still see my DBs partner and kids regularly so eventually one of my kids are going to blurt out something about their cousins. I think DF knows this but is hoping that she'll be in so deep at that stage that it will be too hard for her to leave.

I want my DF to be happy but I think this woman deserves the truth. My brother is dangerous she should know what she is getting into. I was thinking of sending her an anonymous Facebook message.... so cowardly I know. What do you think?

OP posts:

Arethechildreninbedyet · 08/12/2021 17:22

Jesus OP, from your updates your Dad sounds worse and worse.

Tell her and if he cuts you off as a result I'd say that's a positive. He sounds like a controlling, thoughtless and nasty piece of work.

You sound the complete opposite. He should be proud of you and most importantly, you should be proud of yourself. You're a thoroughly decent person and there aren't many people like you around any more.

ShinyHappyPoster · 08/12/2021 17:25

Tbh it doesn't matter what your DB has done. It's your DF who is lying to his partner. It sounds as though your DF has focused on your DB's wrongdoings to get you to go along with the lie. Classic misdirection.

Regardless of what your DB did or says, whether he's lying or not. The fact is you know your DF is lying and that's awful. It shows a complete disrespect for his partner, for women and for relationships. He is every bit as dangerous as your DB, just in a different way. You need to tell his partner the truth and seriously consider limiting contact with him.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/12/2021 17:26

Your Dad is destroying this for himself. He is showing himself to be untrustworthy and willing to endanger this woman (and her children) for his own short-term benefit.

Were I her and he left it much longer to tell me - that is, didn't set things up so I knew and was in a position to make a decision about the relationship, then protect myself as necessary - I would leave as soon as I found out.

Not because of the danger from your brother but because a man who claimed to care about me had lied to me and shown no care for my wellbeing or safety. That is, shown himself to be a shallow, self-interested, manipulative liar.

Original poster

Cellobear · 08/12/2021 17:28

@Arethechildreninbedyet you have me in tears thank you for your kind words. I stopped looking for validation from my father a long time ago, he's not capable of giving praise.

My mother was proud enough for both of them, she was proud of all of us even my brother with his issues she would never deny him. She always saw the good in him.

OP posts:

MaHBroon · 08/12/2021 17:33

[quote Cellobear]@Arethechildreninbedyet you have me in tears thank you for your kind words. I stopped looking for validation from my father a long time ago, he's not capable of giving praise.

My mother was proud enough for both of them, she was proud of all of us even my brother with his issues she would never deny him. She always saw the good in him.[/quote]
Your mum sounds lovely and you’re very much her daughter. She’d never deny your brother but your dad has no qualms denying his grandchildren. I think you’re in an awful situation but honesty really is the best policy here. You’d never forgive yourself if something happened to her.

Thehouseofmarvels · 08/12/2021 17:35

This woman could choose to be with someone with an easier family situation. So unfair to trick her until she is sucked in.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/12/2021 17:35

Wow, having read all your updates, it sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Just that it was watered with drugs and alcohol.

Your dad is using this woman. He doesn't really care about her, only himself.

It's pretty simple, she is a human being whose safety, whose autonomy and ability to make choices about her own life, matter.

RepentMotherfucker · 08/12/2021 17:37

Have I missed where the four grandchildren are in all of this?

Thehouseofmarvels · 08/12/2021 17:38

Would your father be capable of demanding to your kids that they pretend their uncle aunt and cousins don't exist when this lady meets them?

Echobelly · 08/12/2021 17:39

I wouldn't say it yourself, but I would tell him that you won't actively cover it up anymore (eg with the photos) perhaps? That might move him to do something about it.

Ariela · 08/12/2021 17:53

Are you inviting your father and partner to yours for Christmas? If so leave the photos out, and ask your father if he's heard when (brother) is likely to be released.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/12/2021 17:55

If somebody lied to me like that they would be dumped immediately. Its far better to base any relationship on the truth, always.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 08/12/2021 17:55

I would speak to your father,invite the pair to dinner and have a frank chat. I would say what you have said here and say as you are non contact you dont advertise the fact but as you are all getting close you feel you have to be honest as you love and respect her . something like that ish ...

billy1966 · 08/12/2021 18:10

@Aderyn21

I would tell my dad that he either tells her or you will. He's being a right manipulative bastard, trying to make it do that she's in too deep to just leave! But your brother is dangerous and she needs to know that because she has children to think of. I don't agree with colluding to trap a woman and would he judging your dad very harshly. I'd take this out of his hands

This.

This poor woman deserves to know.

Your father is a disgrace to withhold such information.

StellaGibson118 · 08/12/2021 18:14

Reading all your comments id cut your dad off if it were me. Hes being abusive towards you. You dont need to accept it.

Original poster

Cellobear · 08/12/2021 19:18

I've lost my mum I don't want to lose my dad aswel. He's a difficult man but there is good in there too.
I will tell his partner the truth though and what will be will be.

OP posts:

lisaandalan · 08/12/2021 19:47

Maybe seeing as you are NC your father just wants to erase him from his life, you said yourself he's an abusive addict. X

KittenCatcher · 08/12/2021 19:51

Thatmpoor woman deserves the truth, she may decide that this is not a relationship she wants to be in. Once you tell her about your brothe nshe may well ask herself whats the whole story and will you then tell her your brother accused your dad of abuse and that he is a controlling man and you left home because of him.,

Original poster

Cellobear · 08/12/2021 20:02

@KittenCatcher absolutely not. It's up to this woman to judge my father's character based on what she knows of him. I'm not going to go telling her about every mistake he ever made and what our experience of him as a father was because what would that achieve? I will tell her about my brother and nothing more.

OP posts:

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 08/12/2021 20:04

[quote Cellobear]@CanIPleaseHaveOne there is but I'm not sure exactly what's true and what's not. Both of them are expert liars.
My brother maintains my father was violent to my him and my mother, it's not something I or my sister ever witnessed however DB is younger than me and I left the house at 16 due to my father's increasingly controlling behaviour so it could have happened. He also blames my father for moving us from a seemingly nice area to a really disadvantaged area, where my brother got in with a bad crowd and his addiction issues started.
My father was very controlling of my mother and can still be very manipulative when he wants something.[/quote]
With that in mind OP you are all walking this woman into a trap.

You will have to live with the fact that you paricipated (by your silence) if anything goes wrong.

KittenCatcher · 08/12/2021 20:06

But she doesn't know him, he has lied, dont you think she will ask why you are all NC with your brother, he wasnt always a abusive addict, something set him on that path.

Original poster

Cellobear · 08/12/2021 20:15

@KittenCatcher we don't know for sure what set my brother on this path, i am not going to speculate to her that it was all my father's fault he has 3 kids and only one of them is a violent drug addict sociopath so I'm sure there are some other factors at play here.

OP posts:

KittenCatcher · 08/12/2021 20:18

Oh well I guess its up to her to decide what she wants to do when she realises everyone has been lying to her.

user1471447863 · 09/12/2021 21:38

More to the point how can people like that be so easily released when they are known/believed to be a danger to others?
I think the lot of you should be back to the police/courts/parole system and doing more to ensure that when he is released it is appropriately controlled & monitored.

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