Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my father's partner the truth....

124 replies

Cellobear · 08/12/2021 14:19

My DM died 2 years ago.
Just over a year after my mum's death my DF met a lovely woman, I thought it was a bit soon but it was nice to see him happy. Because of covid we have only met her a handful of times but she seems like a really nice person, also bereaved with kids and grandkids. They see each other every day and are now talking of moving in together.
The thing is my father is lying to her he has told her that he has 2 kids (me and my sister) he failed to mention my brother who is currently in prison, he also failed to mention my brothers 4 kids (his grandkids). My brother is a violent abusive addict we are all NC with him since after our DMs death, and over the years we have had to get protective orders as he has targeted our homes.
DF told me early on that he wasn't telling her about DB, he didn't say why but I'm guessing it was in case she didn't want to take on the baggage.
I was complicit in his lie I hide my wedding photos when she came over to our house as DB and his family are in them, i didn't mention my nephews etc.

But now I'm feeling really guilty, this lady is so nice and eventually she is going to find out that everyone has been lying to her. Df cannot keep that secret forever, My DF and I still see my DBs partner and kids regularly so eventually one of my kids are going to blurt out something about their cousins. I think DF knows this but is hoping that she'll be in so deep at that stage that it will be too hard for her to leave.

I want my DF to be happy but I think this woman deserves the truth. My brother is dangerous she should know what she is getting into. I was thinking of sending her an anonymous Facebook message.... so cowardly I know. What do you think?

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 08/12/2021 15:43

I voted YABU purely based on sending an anonymous message. Please dont do that.

This.

Either tell your DF to tell her or when you meet her mention in "passing" that you have another living brother and he will be out in x years.

CarlaH · 08/12/2021 15:47

Well that's going to be lovely for the new owners isn't it?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 15:47

@Arethechildreninbedyet

This has gone beyond keeping your father's wishes.

He is purposely endangering her at the expense of his own happiness. That's essentially saying he doesn't give a shit about her, he just wants to stay in a relationship.

It doesn't read as though your brother has been out of prison since your Mum's death? If so when he gets out he's very likely going to target the individual he sees as taking her place. This poor woman will unassumingly open the door to the man on her porch late one night and could very easily be beaten to death and your Dad (and siblings) are OK with that?

You need to tell her - and yesterday! I'm really sorry that the burden has fallen on you, that's unfair but you are right. She cannot not be told.

She will most likely run for the hills because he never told her himself and he honestly deserves that. He's being very selfish endangering her and putting you and your siblings in such an uncomfortable position.

Absolutely all of this.

Please tell her ASAP, so she can make informed decisions about her future.

Your dad has been unthinkably selfish and while I understand he has had a very tough time, I would struggle to forgive someone who omitted to tell me something that meant I couldn't safeguard myself properly if I was this woman.

Please do tell her.

NewlyGranny · 08/12/2021 15:49

You can't let this woman walk blindly into such a dangerous situation. Imagine if it were you - wouldn't you want to know?

If neither your father nor your sister will tell her, you need to step up. Offer to help your father break it to her first, on the understanding that if he won't, you will, because you care about both of them. That might spur him to honesty. If either of you hesitates, just picture the potential headlines if your brother were to be released without warning and turn up at the door.

Good luck. There are things that are easy and things that are right; they are not always the same things.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 15:49

@Midlifemusings

No, you don't tell her. That is your dad's decision to make and if she finds out eventually and is hurt - that is between them. You have no obligation to hide pictures and go along with it but it also is not up to you to meddle and be a busy body in their relationship.
I think you might have missed OP's later posts where she explains her brother is violent and is likely to visit his dad when released, making threats and being violent, having already sent associates to be aggressive to him already. This woman is in danger and doesn't even realise it. She has to be told.
LalalalalalaLand123 · 08/12/2021 15:52

One way or the other, she needs to know - she is in danger (as you say, DB could be released early with no notice) and she needs to know this. It is sad that it may end the relationship, but that is secondary to this woman's safety and her right to know that she is at risk. Who knows, she may stick by your father. Perhaps offer to sit down with her and your your father and you could explain it to her, if your father is unable to bring himself to do so.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 08/12/2021 15:56

Is there a back story between your brother and your father?

HopeHappy · 08/12/2021 15:56

I would have to tell her too OP, but give your dad one last chance and a deadline.

I'm sure you probably have already, but I would say something along the lines of "what do you think she's going to say/do if the first she knows of him is when he tries to burn the house down with you in it"?

To be forewarned is to be forearmed. It gives her the choice as to whether to carry on in the relationship (if it was me and my partner was so clearly NC from his son, I wouldn't see why not to - I could even understand not telling me for a while), or to at least consider their housing situation in advance.

By the sound of it, it won't be long before your brother is back in prison once he is released, so hopefully he won't be able to find anyone in between. I can't imagine living like that so you have my sympathies.

theDudesmummy · 08/12/2021 15:58

I really object to some people's attitudes here. The OP absolutely is under an obligation to warn the woman that she is in danger, if the OP is in possession of that information and no-one else is going to disclose it. (The father is also under the same obligation of course, but it is not he who is asking for advice). The kind of thinking that she is not under such an obligation is part of what is really wrong with our individualist and selfish society, and I truly cannot understand it. Passing by on the other side. Completely unacceptable.

theDudesmummy · 08/12/2021 16:02

@CanIPleaseHaveOne what do you mean "is there a back story?" The OP talks about the brother being an violent addict against whom the family have all had to take out restraining orders, and getting his associates to attack his father's house. Obviously there is a "back story".

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/12/2021 16:08

I voted YABU for the anonymous message but I feel for you, you're in a horrible situation.

The right thing to do would be to tell her though. If you dont tell her the consequences could be that she gets attacked or doesn't report or take action over something suspicious. The consequences of telling her could be that your dad and sister fall out with you.

Obviously keeping someone safe trumps a possible family rift so the right thing to do would be to tell her face to face and then you can also put your dad's point of view across and explain why he hasn't, that he is scared of losing her etc.

That doesn't mean it's easy though and its shit that doing the right thing could have worse personal consequences for you than doing nothing, putting you in a really difficult position. But you probably wouldn't be able to live with yourself if she got hurt and like others have said, if your brother is hell bent on doing something to your dad, she will find out eventually anyway

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 16:08

@CanIPleaseHaveOne

Is there a back story between your brother and your father?
Yes, he's a violent addict and OP says when asked how much longer he's in prison for:

18 months he will immediately target my father's home. He has already had his friends attack it in his absence. My father hopes to be moved elsewhere by the time he's released.

So the backstory is that this woman is in serious danger, unknowingly living with a man who is essentially expecting to be attacked.

Original poster
Cellobear · 08/12/2021 16:08

@CanIPleaseHaveOne there is but I'm not sure exactly what's true and what's not. Both of them are expert liars.
My brother maintains my father was violent to my him and my mother, it's not something I or my sister ever witnessed however DB is younger than me and I left the house at 16 due to my father's increasingly controlling behaviour so it could have happened. He also blames my father for moving us from a seemingly nice area to a really disadvantaged area, where my brother got in with a bad crowd and his addiction issues started.
My father was very controlling of my mother and can still be very manipulative when he wants something.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 16:13

Even more reason to tell this woman the truth OP. She's already in a relationship with a man you know is manipulative and controlling. A man you know is willing to lie to her even if that lie means she is unknowingly in danger.

I think she deserves the full picture ASAP so she can make an informed decision about her own life.

If she was my mum and met your dad I would be seriously worried about the relationship based on how you've described both your dad and your brother 😞

TatianaBis · 08/12/2021 16:19

Of course you must tell her.

theDudesmummy · 08/12/2021 16:20

@Cellobearllo if you are not sure about whether some things are true, make sure you just tell her fully known facts: Your brother is in prison. What he is in prison for. That is is an addict or ex-addict. That he has a history of violence. The restraining orders. The associates.

Don't speculate on reasons, or past history that you do not personally know to be 100% true. The lady will be wanting to get the fuller story from your father no doubt, and so she should. If she doesn't I am sure she will quite rightly reconsider the relationship. That is not your responsibility.

Original poster
Cellobear · 08/12/2021 16:23

@theDudesmummy yes I agree with you. I'm not going to paint my father in a bad light it's up to her to decide about his character, but I will tell her about my brother.

OP posts:
Sh05 · 08/12/2021 16:23

You must tell her but should insist your dad is present or pops in for part of the meeting when you do.
Invite her round to your house, tell her the real story, show her the photos so she knows who she's looking out for then your dad should present his reasoning as to why he's not mentioned him before now.
She'll want time to digest and decide what her next steps will be. If she's at yours then she can make her excuses and leave whenever she likes.

KittenCatcher · 08/12/2021 16:23

The hatred between your dad and brother will never heal and dad will always be at risk. This poor woman deserves better.

Dearblossom · 08/12/2021 16:24

Does your Dad really love this woman or is he using her to get out of the house before brothers release?

AryaStarkWolf · 08/12/2021 16:25

@Cellobear

I know he's not in the right but it's crap that my brother will destroy this for my dad again after wreaking havoc his entire life. Although it's actually the lie that might ruin things, I bet if he'd told her straight up he had a kid in prison she might have still stayed around but to find out that you've been lied to for a year is almost certainly a deal breaker. She is a kind lady and seems to be really in love with my dad. Ok I'll have to bite the bullet and do it.
You don't know that it will ruin the relationship, she might understand his reasons for it but there's certainly more of a chance of that if he actually has the guts to tell her himself and explain why himself
Lovemusic33 · 08/12/2021 16:26

I would tell your dad that he needs to tell her before she moves in, there should be no secrets between a couple that live together. The longer he leaves it the worst it will look.

Original poster
Cellobear · 08/12/2021 16:27

@Dearblossom he has money (a lot of money actually and I'm not sure how he got it) so he's not financially dependent on this woman but he's not great at doing anything my himself so to some extent you could be right.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 08/12/2021 16:28

@Iwonder08

It is his partner not yours. He is responsible for his relationship, not you. He decides what and when to tell her. It is not your problem to solve
Who cares about the safety of the women eh?
AryaStarkWolf · 08/12/2021 16:28

woman*