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Original poster

To tell my father's partner the truth....

124 replies

Cellobear · 08/12/2021 14:19

My DM died 2 years ago.
Just over a year after my mum's death my DF met a lovely woman, I thought it was a bit soon but it was nice to see him happy. Because of covid we have only met her a handful of times but she seems like a really nice person, also bereaved with kids and grandkids. They see each other every day and are now talking of moving in together.
The thing is my father is lying to her he has told her that he has 2 kids (me and my sister) he failed to mention my brother who is currently in prison, he also failed to mention my brothers 4 kids (his grandkids). My brother is a violent abusive addict we are all NC with him since after our DMs death, and over the years we have had to get protective orders as he has targeted our homes.
DF told me early on that he wasn't telling her about DB, he didn't say why but I'm guessing it was in case she didn't want to take on the baggage.
I was complicit in his lie I hide my wedding photos when she came over to our house as DB and his family are in them, i didn't mention my nephews etc.

But now I'm feeling really guilty, this lady is so nice and eventually she is going to find out that everyone has been lying to her. Df cannot keep that secret forever, My DF and I still see my DBs partner and kids regularly so eventually one of my kids are going to blurt out something about their cousins. I think DF knows this but is hoping that she'll be in so deep at that stage that it will be too hard for her to leave.

I want my DF to be happy but I think this woman deserves the truth. My brother is dangerous she should know what she is getting into. I was thinking of sending her an anonymous Facebook message.... so cowardly I know. What do you think?

OP posts:
Nasturs · 08/12/2021 16:30

It is not your problem to solve

Perhaps. But colluding with the lies - that would be a no from me!

Original poster
Cellobear · 08/12/2021 16:30

Just to note that while there is history between my brother and dad.... DB doesn't need any "reason". He just gets coked out of his head and decides someone needs to pay for his bad mood, his current partner, the mother of his kids, his parents, his neighbours, his siblings we have all been subject to cars set on fire, smashed windows, threatening phone calls and thugs at our door in the middle of the night. It's been a lifetime of it.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/12/2021 16:30

@Cellobear

Sorry I should have said that I have tried to convince him multiple times to come clean with her and he absolutely will not. I know for certain he will not tell her himself.
Then you tell him that if he doesn't you will
Vapeyvapevape · 08/12/2021 16:34

I wouldn’t tell her but I would stop hiding photos etc .

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/12/2021 16:34

I think she deserves to know the truth but an anonymous message is the wrong way to treat someone you like.

Time to tell your father to tell the truth or you will. I think this would be a deal breaker for me. Not the extra son (every family has a dark secret), but the lies when it could impact on her safety. I'd tell me Mother to run in this situation.

tara66 · 08/12/2021 16:36

Your DF is living a big lie. That fact will break up the relationship as how will she trust him again?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 08/12/2021 16:38

Your DF is living a big lie and it will come out and that's what'll probably split them up.

This woman needs protecting, she is physically in danger and if you Dad is not going to protect her then you should. Then it's upto her what she wants to do.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/12/2021 16:39

Having read more about your father I'd be taking a big step back from him, he's controlling and manipulating you and this new woman. He is not a nice person and you would be better off without him.

StellaGibson118 · 08/12/2021 16:48

[quote Cellobear]@HollowTalk 18 months he will immediately target my father's home. He has already had his friends attack it in his absence. My father hopes to be moved elsewhere by the time he's released.[/quote]
then she needs to know 100% as she will be in danger.

StellaGibson118 · 08/12/2021 16:54

I feel bad for your brother. It's being painted by your dad that DB is ruining his life, but all signs point to your dad being the reason for the way your DB is. You never saw violence but by God you've seen the red flags and you even moved out yourself because of them.

Now your dad is making you complicit in a lie and yet somehow you're still saying your brother does stuff for no reason. Unhealed trauma tends to cause these behaviours.

diddl · 08/12/2021 17:03

So you don't believe your brother when he says that his Dad abused him?

Yet you moved out at 16 because of your Dad?

Does anyone believe your brother?

ShinyHappyPoster · 08/12/2021 17:05

It sounds as though your DB is right about your DF because your DF is currently being controlling and manipulative in his relationship with his new partner.
I'd sit down with your DF and his new partner and tell her the truth. If you have a partner, can you have them there to support and back you up? Your DF might try to blame you and lie his way out of it but tbh you need to lose your rose-tinted glasses about him; and his partner deserves to see the selfish, manipulative man she's involved with.

Gretaburley · 08/12/2021 17:05

Your df sounds horrible.
I think the poor woman needs to know the truth.

Original poster
Cellobear · 08/12/2021 17:08

@diddl I don't know what to believe, he mentioned this violence in later years not at the time and then denied he said it when I asked him about it afterwards. He's also accused us of recording him, thinks people are following him, accused his partner of cheating on him saying the kids aren't his, thinks that the DNA tests she provided were faked, said our mother was poisoning him.... the list is endless. Some things could be true, some are not it's impossible to tell which is which

OP posts:
MollysDolly · 08/12/2021 17:12

OP. How would you feel if your father went behind your back and told your partner something you had consciously not, because of your own reasons, but your father thought it wasn't fair.

It's not your decision to make.

TheseBootsWereMadeForSitting · 08/12/2021 17:12

You sound like a decent woman concerned for the welfare of another decent woman.

The men involved in the situation are both a danger to her.

She has no idea what potential heartache, mental and physical damage she has coming.

Your dad is pretending it's all going to be "happily ever after".

Considering he is a manipulative controlling shit, by your own admission, it's not bloody likely now is it?

He is being a selfish bastard.

I would tell her everything and take the consequences.

If your dad goes no contact, deal with it. You would know you had protected another human from danger.

Just a thought. Is there inheritance involved, being why your sister is happy to let him get away with it and your brother would be apoplectic to find another woman in n the house.

Ultimately, it's your decision. What anybody here would do, is irrelevant.

2bazookas · 08/12/2021 17:12

Just leavbe the photo out until either she or your dad notices it.

If she notices it, you tell her who they are.

If Dad notices, you say " I'm not going to hide it dad; and it's time she knew"

        She needs to know soon for his sake.

Telling her before they move in together is unlikely to be a break up and walk away issue. Far better for him to tell her his own way.

Finding out after they live together would be a terrible breach of her trust and security. She'll never trust him again.

Third possibility, brother turns up on step.....OMG.

Original poster
Cellobear · 08/12/2021 17:14

For an example a few years ago he arrived on my doorstep late one night saying he had nowhere to go. He was drunk and high. He accused me of putting pills in his coffee and absolutely trashed the house as a result... said he saw me do it and still believes this to be true. I never even made him a coffee. I gave him water in a mug.

OP posts:
MaHBroon · 08/12/2021 17:15

Op, you need to tell the woman. She has every right to live her life safely. And shame on your dad not giving 4 of his grandchildren their place in his life. He’s a disgrace.

ClawedButler · 08/12/2021 17:15

Personally, I'd move right out of the area, and encourage your dad and sister to do the same ASAP.

If you're going to tell this nice lady, it might be an idea to couch it in terms like "he is, to all intents and purposes, dead to us" or "we don't consider that we have a brother, and Dad doesn't consider he has a son". It demonstrates that it was not a deliberate lie to cover up an embarrassing truth, it was the truth as he sees it.

speakout · 08/12/2021 17:15

I would generally stay out of it, but sometimes life isn't easy.

My mother lies to her friends and our close family about my work.
Her friends are important and supportive to her and I have to hide things related to my work if they come over.
It would create problems and she may lose friendships- so I am reluctantly complicit in her lies!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 17:15

@Vapeyvapevape

I wouldn’t tell her but I would stop hiding photos etc .
Even though her home is likely to be targeted by a violent man at some point?!
Original poster
Cellobear · 08/12/2021 17:16

@TheseBootsWereMadeForSitting you are spot on!
My father constantly threatens to cut us out off the will I couldn't care less about his money but my sister has some financial problems so could be why she is happy to comply.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 17:17

@MollysDolly

OP. How would you feel if your father went behind your back and told your partner something you had consciously not, because of your own reasons, but your father thought it wasn't fair.

It's not your decision to make.

If the partner was in danger then the usual 'rules' about withholding information wouldn't apply. This woman is in danger. It's more likely than not that a future home she shares with OP's dad will be targeted by a violent man if he ever finds out the address. This is a safety issue.
Helpimfalling · 08/12/2021 17:20

[quote Cellobear]@HollowTalk 18 months he will immediately target my father's home. He has already had his friends attack it in his absence. My father hopes to be moved elsewhere by the time he's released.[/quote]
The lady will need to know to take extra precautions lock doors etc at all times.

I have the same my brother is away we're all NC but when he comes out I'm pretty sure (my dad too)
He will kill my father or one of us.

She needs to know for her safety and his too.

I really really hope he gets more moved! Thanks

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