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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my father's partner the truth....

124 replies

Cellobear · 08/12/2021 14:19

My DM died 2 years ago.
Just over a year after my mum's death my DF met a lovely woman, I thought it was a bit soon but it was nice to see him happy. Because of covid we have only met her a handful of times but she seems like a really nice person, also bereaved with kids and grandkids. They see each other every day and are now talking of moving in together.
The thing is my father is lying to her he has told her that he has 2 kids (me and my sister) he failed to mention my brother who is currently in prison, he also failed to mention my brothers 4 kids (his grandkids). My brother is a violent abusive addict we are all NC with him since after our DMs death, and over the years we have had to get protective orders as he has targeted our homes.
DF told me early on that he wasn't telling her about DB, he didn't say why but I'm guessing it was in case she didn't want to take on the baggage.
I was complicit in his lie I hide my wedding photos when she came over to our house as DB and his family are in them, i didn't mention my nephews etc.

But now I'm feeling really guilty, this lady is so nice and eventually she is going to find out that everyone has been lying to her. Df cannot keep that secret forever, My DF and I still see my DBs partner and kids regularly so eventually one of my kids are going to blurt out something about their cousins. I think DF knows this but is hoping that she'll be in so deep at that stage that it will be too hard for her to leave.

I want my DF to be happy but I think this woman deserves the truth. My brother is dangerous she should know what she is getting into. I was thinking of sending her an anonymous Facebook message.... so cowardly I know. What do you think?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 08/12/2021 14:53

I would ask your Father,if he would mind if you informed his new lady about your Brother, but would not go behind his back and tell her at all. That might well cause some issues between you and your Father.

He does need to tell her though, as sooner or later, she might well become aware of all the personal things in your Fathers life , from other sources.

DPotter · 08/12/2021 14:56

Your DF is behaving like an idiot but you know that. Every family has a bad sheep - some worse than others admittedly.

I'm surprised he's been 'lucky' for so long - 6 degrees of separation and all that.

Give your DF a date by which he needs to tell her, or you will. I think it would be better coming from you rather than anonymously as you can choose the timing and you can apologise up front.

Original poster
Cellobear · 08/12/2021 15:00

@Arethechildreninbedyet he has been in and out of prison for most of his life but last went in 6 months after my mother's death. As far as I'm aware he has no idea my father is in a new relationship and you are right he will go straight there on release and it will send him into a rage to see another woman in the house.
My father is saying that he will be gone by then, moving away somewhere where DB will never know the address (which I think is a great idea regardless of whether this relationship lasts or not) however he's not taking into account that my brother can be released early without our prior knowledge.

OP posts:
greenlynx · 08/12/2021 15:05

I think anonymous message is not a good idea that why I’ve put that YABU.
However I think to tell her the truth is a good idea. I would tell your DF that he has until certain date (give him a week) to tell her the truth, that you are going to put photos back and won’t remind children to keep quiet any more. I think your argument should be that it will come out anyway so it’s better if he tells this himself. Give hum some time to digest it and then ask if he wants you to tell her instead if it’s too painful for him. Be clear that keeping this a secret is not longer an option. He’s got choice who will tell but not whether to tell or not.

GotToGoBye · 08/12/2021 15:05

I’d tell him you are going to tell her. You could tell her he didn’t know how to broach subject and so you are doing it (if he lets you say this - kind of true)

No way I’d be complicit in any more lies.

It might save the relationship, if she found out another way or was threatened (or worse) by your DB that has got to risk relationship more, even if she has moved in/more committed.

Iwonder08 · 08/12/2021 15:13

It is his partner not yours. He is responsible for his relationship, not you. He decides what and when to tell her. It is not your problem to solve

KittenCatcher · 08/12/2021 15:15

Of course she needs to know. She could be in danger from brothers friends or on his release and she has a right to decide herself what she wishes to do. I would tell dad that you will tell her if he doesnt.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 08/12/2021 15:15

I voted YABU purely based on sending an anonymous message. Please dont do that.

Your DF needs to tell her or at least sit down with you and her whilst you tell her, im sure after she gets over the initial shock she will listen to his explanation and understand why he didnt say anything as long as he is honest with her from now on, the longer he leaves it the less likely she is to forgive him.

KittenCatcher · 08/12/2021 15:19

Even if dad moves away he needs to seriously consider his own future safety from your brother. He may find out where he lives if he.moves. is dad applying for a restraining order and keeping the police up to date about your brothers behaviour.

Midlifemusings · 08/12/2021 15:23

No, you don't tell her. That is your dad's decision to make and if she finds out eventually and is hurt - that is between them. You have no obligation to hide pictures and go along with it but it also is not up to you to meddle and be a busy body in their relationship.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 08/12/2021 15:26

@Midlifemusings

No, you don't tell her. That is your dad's decision to make and if she finds out eventually and is hurt - that is between them. You have no obligation to hide pictures and go along with it but it also is not up to you to meddle and be a busy body in their relationship.
She's in grave risk of actual physical danger, that supersedes the OP being a 'busy body.' She needs to act in ways her Father is refusing.
theDudesmummy · 08/12/2021 15:28

She absolutely has to be told. Your DF should do it but if he won't then you are morally obliged to do so. There is no way she won't find out if the relationship lasts longer than your brother's prison sentence.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 08/12/2021 15:29

[quote Cellobear]@Arethechildreninbedyet he has been in and out of prison for most of his life but last went in 6 months after my mother's death. As far as I'm aware he has no idea my father is in a new relationship and you are right he will go straight there on release and it will send him into a rage to see another woman in the house.
My father is saying that he will be gone by then, moving away somewhere where DB will never know the address (which I think is a great idea regardless of whether this relationship lasts or not) however he's not taking into account that my brother can be released early without our prior knowledge.[/quote]
I completely empathise with everything you have said. I have a little experience of addiction and its violence within the family and it is unbearable. I'm sorry you've all had to cope with this for so long.

I'm so sorry about your Mum that must have been awful, especially with your brother's behaviour. I don't blame your dad for being lonely. I think a fresh start would be best for everyone and hopefully when your brother is released he cannot track him (or you) down or comes out with a different attitude (although I appreciate that is unlikely).

Thank you for being so brave and acknowledging you need to keep her safe. You're doing the right thing.

Original poster
Cellobear · 08/12/2021 15:29

@KittenCatcher we are unable to get a current restraining order as the last few attacks on the house were done by ppl acting on DB behalf and hard to connect DB directly to it even though his partner told us it was him. He's angry that we have cut him off and will do anything to get our attention again.

OP posts:
theDudesmummy · 08/12/2021 15:30

Your brother will find your father if he wnans to, be sure of that...

theDudesmummy · 08/12/2021 15:30

wants to, sorry

KittenCatcher · 08/12/2021 15:33

How awful. Were the police informed if the attacks and security measures in place like cctv and panic alarms. I would still ask the police and probation officers what to do as dad is at risk on brothers release.

Emerald5hamrock · 08/12/2021 15:34

I'd encourage him to be honest.
It's unfortunate Dbro continues to dominant the families life.
I have a cousin who is similar and newcomers need to be informed about him, he is a threat to the family.
I'm sorry for the trauma he has caused you.

Original poster
Cellobear · 08/12/2021 15:34

@Arethechildreninbedyet yes it's an incredibly difficult situation. Addiction and mental illness problems have turned my bother into a monster who thrives on terrifying those closest to him. His partner gets the brunt of it now since the rest of us went NC. He doesn't know where me and my sister live but it wouldn't be hard to find out.

OP posts:
Rheia1983 · 08/12/2021 15:34

Please do tell your father's partner the truth.

Your father is being very manipulative and, even worse, putting his partner at risk. It would be immoral and unethical to leave her unaware of the situation.

I'm sorry for the situation you are in. It's shit.

MzHz · 08/12/2021 15:34

has your dad got his house for sale yet?if not, I would suggest he needs to do that sooner rather than later, as you say your DB could be released at any time and he's been targetted already

i think she should know, and I'd give your dad a time frame to do so, or you will.

he CAN manage this so their relationship survives this, but if they get attacked and the truth comes out it really WILL be game over.

MzHz · 08/12/2021 15:35

except it's not a matter of IF they get attacked, but WHEN

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 15:36

I think it's strange that he hasn't told her he has 4 grandkids he regularly sees more so than not being honest about your brother but I agree she needs to be able to make a decision herself

Original poster
Cellobear · 08/12/2021 15:37

@MzHz yes it's up for sale but not a lot of interest so far.

OP posts:
AgathaX · 08/12/2021 15:41

What an awful situation. I'm glad you're going to tell her. If you can explain the situation honestly and completely she may forgive your father. I really hope your father moves house, and preferably to as completely new area, very soon.