Dying of no PISSING SLEEP, will anyone mourn me?

[SnailandtheWail]

DS is three months old. I love him, I do, but I’m about to leave him out for the magpies.

He has NEVER slept for more than three hours straight, it’s usually two, last night it was one hour at a time.

There’s nothing wrong with him that I can tell. He’s fed. He’s changed. He’s safe and warm. He’s winded. He doesn’t have a dummy. He hates swaddling so I bag him. He will happily go to sleep but he can’t stay asleep. He knows what night is, he’s out and about loads in the day, it’s only the odd day I watch back to back episodes of House while he naps on me. I don’t breastfeed, for reasons I don’t care to go into except it was fucking hard and I thought my breasts were going to rot and fall off. I

For various reasons I sleep with him in the spare room. One of those reasons is that DH doesn’t do any night waking, I do it all. He has an incredibly important job that is fiddling with computers 9-6 at a sports company and people might die if he’s too tired to do something with their computers. He has offered to do a night here and there but there’s so much moaning and lamenting about his tiredness the next day it’s not worth it to me because it makes me want to boil his head in salt water, like a big ham.

This morning when I said I hadn’t slept he informed me that it might be time to ‘look up some tips or get a book’ to help DS sleep through. Because by now, apparently, he should be happy to sleep alone in his crib and sleep for 5+.

Well no one has told DS that. In desperation I have been trying co sleeping but he’s still a pain in the arse and I’m still not sleeping. What are these ‘tips’ I'm missing or is DH just being a condescending twat? A woman from my NCT suggested cranial osteopathy but it sounds like hokum. I couldn’t get on with wonder weeks. It annoyed me as HOW can it be one size fits all and it just feels like it ‘works’ through confirmation bias. All the other 7 babies in said NCT are apparently all sleeping like dreams 9pm -7am with max two wake ups. I’m thinking of leaving the group because reading that honestly makes me want to throw my phone in the river.

I don’t think I’m looking for any answers here. It’s a vent and hopefully some solidarity and also please give me sympathy that I am probably not going to see my impending 36th birthday because this will be what kills me.

I was quite pretty so previously would have had an open casket, but I now look like Nosferatu so that will no longer be an option.

Been there.
Will help you bury husband.

It gets worse before it gets better, IME, it's still early days.

My 7yo woke up in the night till 5yo. My nearly 2yo wakes up every few nights for most of the night, it really disrupts me mentally and physically. Solidarity.

A quiet lullaby on a video camera machine thingy really helps, sometimes, I found.

I love this thread.

Mine is 11 weeks old and napping on me now. He sleeps from somewhere between 7-9pm for 12 hours and wakes about 4 or 5 times a night to feed. I shit you not and I'm not smug about it. It was bad for weeks to begin with. And I'm sure at some point it will change again. It was hell at the start. He did not sleep. We took it in shifts while partner was off work. After that something had to give.

He sleeps on his front while we're still awake and the HV can do one.
When we're going to bed he co-sleeps and the HV can do one.
Don't talk to me about "back to sleep" and swaddling and all that pish.

I recommend brown noise to get them into a deep sleep. White noise is horrible. Brown noise is a very low rumble so I find it easier to sleep with if he needs it.

And best discovery of all, which I highly recommend- I budgie him.

This means he gets plonked firmly on my chest, dummy in whether he wants it or not, and I throw a blanket over him. Right over his head like a budgie in a cage.

Out like a light within minutes.

Someone should market a sensory deprivation crib.

I don't have any solutions, only words of understanding and compassion.

A few things stand out to me from your words though ....

Those magic babies from NCT are only going three hours between feeds if they're sleeping 9-7 "with only two wake ups". Well two 3 hour stretches and one 4 hour stretch. That really won't feel like 9-7 at all because it isn't much different to what you're doing.

"Should be" is normally whole load of tosh. Mostly things remarked on a "baby should be" are developmental achievements that Victorian male doctors decided "should" be happening in order to make their own, male, lives run smoothly. Basically bottle feed your baby on a schedule, and stick the baby down the garden where you won't hear it cry it will sleep soundly until you finish your chores and go back for it, and if you can't stick the baby down the bottom of the garden then give it some medicine to make it sleep make it stop crying.

What you describe is totally normal for babies. It gets easier on you, I promise. Not because it actually gets easier; your baby may not change his demands very much for a long time, but because you adapt and get used to it. I promise.

Whenever you are struggling try to filter out all the demands on you put there by Victorian men to make their lives run smoothly. Chores? Washing? Cooking? Making yourself look pretty for someone else? Throw them all away and make it clear to your husband that while you are working night shifts with the baby he will need to up his contribution to those things around the house. Evolution would have you staying near your cave, nursing or sleeping with your baby most of the day, while your tribe did the survival jobs. That's what animals do and what we are designed to do. Your husband/family/neighbours/friends may well be able to step in and make some of those survival activities happen so that you can sleep when the baby sleeps. Every time he sleeps.

You don't have a baby problem you have a 'DH is a useless twat who doesn't care I'm struggling' problem - with the usual dash of 'he has an ultra important life or death job ( don't they all) so this absolves him.

I like your humour in such a sleep deprived state, but your masking it with any serious reply.

My advice, as I've seen this happen to much, he needs to step up before resentment starts.

Night wakenings don't stop at a magical age, my toddler can still waken through the night. It will be all on you for years, and even moreso If you choose to have more children with him.

It’s a bloody good point, and one I will be raising. Will I always be the designated ‘getting up person?’ Because quite frankly I will put DH in a pie and feed him to the Fox if that’s what he truly what he expects to happen. When I go back to work I’ll be earning a fair bit more than him so he can’t pull out any shite about doing the providing so therefore getting to do the sleeping, either.

Most of you have told me I could be in for a rough ride and I basically shouldn’t expect DS to sleep for the next 15 years 😂

No danger of having another child with DH,

I’ll say my eggs have gone bad.

Plus we’d actually have to do the deed, and I would struggle to look becoming while I’m mentally working out where best to place the cloves and score the diamond shapes to make a merry Christmas ham of his head.

‘Why do people turn up on these threads and announce their husband took the baby from 7pm-3am every night to give them a rest a’

Because it appears OPs DH does fuck all while she’s cracking up from sleep deprivation, that’s why. They’re examples of how partners can’t help despite having jobs or whatever. I still did the majority of night wakings but having that help in the early hours from DW, or having her bugger off on weekend mornings with the baby while I got some sleep, saved me.
There’s no reason why OPs partner can’t help out - buggering off all week to an entirely separate room is selfish as.

It should be your fucking DH who doesn't see his next birthday, not you OP. I like the pie idea. Shows promise.

He needs to do get ups. Even if he is an annoying dick when tired, it's for the greater good. There are great benefits to the father understanding the horror of night wakings, and thanks to feeding method and job, you're in a position to obtain them.

@hotmeatymilk at the moment if you said doing the splits while in a handstand would get DS to sleep I'd be for somehow doing it, a child's pose cocoon seems relatively mild in comparison 😂

rockitrocker.com/product/zed/

Anyone given this a go? Desperately looking for things to help when number 3 arrives because my bed is Piccadilly Circus at the moment with the first 2 and I don’t see it changing any time soon.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 I bought one of those (one of many desperate 3am Amazon Prime purchases). I don’t think it really did anything, he sometimes settles when I put him down, sometimes not, and it didn’t seem to correlate with when I used the rocker so I stopped bothering with it after a couple of weeks. I’m sure I’ll get it back out for another try at some point when I’m feeling particularly desperate, but really I think it’s just another one of those products designed to relieve exhausted mums of their hard earned maternity pay.

YANBU!!!

It’s overwhelming and your ‘D’H needs to get a grip and pull his finger out. His kid too. If he thinks reading is so helpful maybe he should crack on and start googling.

Can’t offer any advice I’m afraid. Just to say good luck with it all. You’re doing a great job!

@3scape

i don't have tips. But I'm loving your recepie for condescending partner head. Would you serve that with apple sauce or something else?

Actually belly laughed so hard at this that I woke my baby. Worth it

@SnailandtheWail not sure if anyone has mentioned it as you have so many responses.....but have you asked doc about silent reflux? They are useless at diagnosing it if not vomiting but it can be an easy fix using baby gaviscon..... maybe worth a go. Our wee one went months without being diagnosed. The acid is worse when they are lying down hence they wake up more.

You need to sleep, if you don’t give him to dh( just ignore dh and his moans.. my dh does it now and again and my blood Boils but I don’t even reply to him) then what is the alternative?? You just put up with this forever ? Don’t think so.

1. Go buy some new pjs (for you)
2. Have a lovely bath
3. Sleep all night

If dh disturbs you for anything .. boil his head

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 we have one and love it. Used to set a 28 minute timer on my phone for naps during the day to turn it off and on before DS woke up.

I got my friend the Zedd version for the cot and she rates it too.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 we got one out if desperation, it did piss all. In fact I think it annoyed DS and made it even worse.

The recommendation is to get sleep aids that stay on all night so it's consistent. We have a white noise machine that will stay on 24H if necessary which seemed to have a slight improvement for us, particularly for drowning out car stereos etc

No sleep advice as my own crotch goblins still don't STTN age 104 and 69 months but thank you for making me laugh with your very funny posts.

I will warn you that several years of sleep fuckery has seriously affected my ability to be funny. So you do need to get your DH to sort his shit out or your humour is at risk.

@SnailandtheWail I have no help to offer at all, I’m so sorry, but I have sent your boiled ham paragraph to about five people telling them that I think I may be in love with you.

Agree with the others, baby is his from 8 to midnight and you get a solid 4 hours sleep.
You should have one night a week to just sleep, sleep depravation is a torture device.
Try a dummy (unless you are really anti). I had twins, one loved his dummy, his sister hated it.
Boiling your husband’s head is going to take a sizeable stock pot but the sales will start soon so start shopping now.

My DS was a shocking sleeper. He didnt nap unless he was in his buggy and I was pushing the bloody thing. The buggy stopped and he would wake up. He would sleep in the car but again when the car stopped he woke up. Nothing I did got him to sleep more than 1 or 2 hour stretches.

He didnt sleep through the night until he was 3 years old and I was working full time and studying by then. I honestly dont know how I did it.

No advice, just sympathy!

DD is 10mths old and still doesn't sleep, some nights still waking every 1-2hrs. I co sleep, and I've done every single night of her life since she was born so haven't had a single night's sleep in nearly a year now.

Honey and mustard glaze for the head, and leave some of the fat on round the sides to make it self-basting. Lots of salt.

Before you cook him though, it’s his turn to take the baby from the second he finishes work until 11, 12 or 1am, depending on how much sleep he feels he ‘needs’. A chunk of sleep from 7pm-midnight every night saved my ass in a similar situation. Plus weekend nights.

Good luck. It DOES get easier, and until then drop all your standards and roll with whatever gets you through the day or night.

I actually sleep trained our second around 5 months, using a method involving a little bit of crying. Going to get destroyed on this thread for it though I’m sure. Reading Emily Oster’s aggregated research on sleep gave me the confidence that it was ok to do, and then Taking Cara Babies method felt ok to do. Not for everyone. But I was looking after two kids in a pandemic with no childcare and no sleep, and my mental health was on the verge of collapsing. There was not much crying at all, and everyone in the family was much better for it. Ok, now you can all go ahead with your negative take on this.

This is probably poor consolation for the cruelty of sleep deprivation, but your posts are laugh-out-loud funny. By far the most amusing and well written mumsnetter I've read on here for a long time. I don't know what you do for a living but you could certainly be a comedy writer! (You said you have a well paid job, so probably not )

You might like a book/blog called Sleep is for the Weak. Not as funny as you, though.

Some advice FWIW (apologies if I'm repeating anything, only read your posts):

1. Get useless DH to do a LOT more. The resentment is poisonous.
2. Consider possibility of silent reflux or other underlying issues. Might not be that, baby might just be a shit sleeper, but it's good to rule it out.
3. Once baby is 5-6 months you can sleep train. Most mumsnetters are horrified at the idea of sleep training and think it's evil and will traumatise your child for life. It won't.

I’m so I was one of those nct Mum’s whose kids slept through 7pm - 7 am apart from teeth/ illness.

Youngest sometimes you 430/5 am.

I thought I had really lucked out and / or smug parent
Roll forwards 14 and 17 years
They are the totally worst teenagers.. honestly they drive me mad.
At some point along the line I think you get the punishment as a parent