Dying of no PISSING SLEEP, will anyone mourn me?

[SnailandtheWail]

DS is three months old. I love him, I do, but I’m about to leave him out for the magpies.

He has NEVER slept for more than three hours straight, it’s usually two, last night it was one hour at a time.

There’s nothing wrong with him that I can tell. He’s fed. He’s changed. He’s safe and warm. He’s winded. He doesn’t have a dummy. He hates swaddling so I bag him. He will happily go to sleep but he can’t stay asleep. He knows what night is, he’s out and about loads in the day, it’s only the odd day I watch back to back episodes of House while he naps on me. I don’t breastfeed, for reasons I don’t care to go into except it was fucking hard and I thought my breasts were going to rot and fall off. I

For various reasons I sleep with him in the spare room. One of those reasons is that DH doesn’t do any night waking, I do it all. He has an incredibly important job that is fiddling with computers 9-6 at a sports company and people might die if he’s too tired to do something with their computers. He has offered to do a night here and there but there’s so much moaning and lamenting about his tiredness the next day it’s not worth it to me because it makes me want to boil his head in salt water, like a big ham.

This morning when I said I hadn’t slept he informed me that it might be time to ‘look up some tips or get a book’ to help DS sleep through. Because by now, apparently, he should be happy to sleep alone in his crib and sleep for 5+.

Well no one has told DS that. In desperation I have been trying co sleeping but he’s still a pain in the arse and I’m still not sleeping. What are these ‘tips’ I'm missing or is DH just being a condescending twat? A woman from my NCT suggested cranial osteopathy but it sounds like hokum. I couldn’t get on with wonder weeks. It annoyed me as HOW can it be one size fits all and it just feels like it ‘works’ through confirmation bias. All the other 7 babies in said NCT are apparently all sleeping like dreams 9pm -7am with max two wake ups. I’m thinking of leaving the group because reading that honestly makes me want to throw my phone in the river.

I don’t think I’m looking for any answers here. It’s a vent and hopefully some solidarity and also please give me sympathy that I am probably not going to see my impending 36th birthday because this will be what kills me.

I was quite pretty so previously would have had an open casket, but I now look like Nosferatu so that will no longer be an option.

You NEED a column, you're brilliant OP,

I don't know how i ended up on here i have no kids but can only IMAGINE the stress xxx

Yeah, if you don't already have a blog and a Twitter feed you need to start one. When you're feeling ready.

Ha, you’ve all cheered me up. I actually did fall asleep, DH and DS have been on a jolly to Camden effing lock and the pub. I suspect DS has been charming tourists like he usually does because he will beam at a discarded napkin when he’s in the right mood, and DH has sat proudly with a pint of Punk IPA lapping up the praise.

In regards as to who would play me in the film, I’d like Penelope Wilton, because I’ve always thought she was a superb actress and we now look very similar in age.

@SnailandtheWail

Ha, you’ve all cheered me up. I actually did fall asleep, DH and DS have been on a jolly to Camden effing lock and the pub. I suspect DS has been charming tourists like he usually does because he will beam at a discarded napkin when he’s in the right mood, and DH has sat proudly with a pint of Punk IPA lapping up the praise.

In regards as to who would play me in the film, I’d like Penelope Wilton, because I’ve always thought she was a superb actress and we now look very similar in age.

Nosferatu / Penelope Wilton 😂😂 OP I needed this thread today - you are a comedy genius. So pleased you got some sleep.

Well, you have made two fundamental error op. Firstly, you had a baby. Secondly, you had a baby with the wrong man.

Get back into the marital bed and wake up baby Daddy and tell him it's 'his turn'.

DH and I used to tag team through the night. It meant both of us were tired but at least I didn't have to divorce him later on.

Also, at some point, when you beg the HV for help, she will sagely tell you that 'baby should be sleeping through by now'. Fortunately, by the time that happened to me, I was weak as a kitten and had no strength left to deliver the blow to her head that she deserved.

Also, at some point, when you beg the HV for help, she will sagely tell you that 'baby should be sleeping through by now'. Fortunately, by the time that happened to me, I was weak as a kitten and had no strength left to deliver the blow to her head that she deserved

😂 and that is exactly why I opted out of the HV for baby number 2. Me, pleased at 2 weeks check “well DS was not sleeping at all but I’ve found with cosleeping safely he is sleeping a few hours at a time and I’m not spending my night sobbing with exhaustion”

HV “a baby up the road just died from cosleeping”

Me, internally “oh well, this woman just asked you how to spell MAX. She needs to leave the house now”

Love this thread and your humour but obviously not the lack of sleep.

The joy I felt on a weekend morning, when as teenagers married to their beds, I hoovered and did noisy things. Oh the subtle revenge. Your time will come

My 6 year old wakes at 5am every day because sleeping isn’t very exciting. His words.

I read all of your posts with a silly grin on my face. You are so funny OP. I loathe mummy blogs but I'd read yours.
I hope you get some sleep. I can't offer any advice, I have too many children and they haven't let me sleep for what feels like centuries now. I am the living dead.

Would be nice to know vaguely where OP lives in case anyone lives near her and can be friends 😬

DS is 4 weeks old tomorrow and I feel like every sleepless night takes another piece of my soul solidarity with you OP!

Haha, it was my HV who said

‘Google the fourth trimester’ as she was leaving and tapped her nose as if she was bestowing me a rare and brilliant nugget of information.

My DS' are 2 and 3 now but neither slept very well until at least 18 months. Hang in there op. The days drag but the months fly.

On a side note, I feel like I've found "my people" on this thread and hope you do too op.

It’s really hard OP you feel it will never end!

God I remember this. At 3 months I had only just stopped weeping sporadically. My brilliant brilliant MiL used to come round and sit holding DS for 3 hours at a time so I could sleep.

I used to do about 4 night feeds (breastfed so all me) and in the end I just used to lie on the spare bed, latch him on and pass out with my arms thrown over my head. Memories.

Dear Mosferatu - Nosferatu's sister. I am sad to inform you that no one will mourn you. But don't worry about open casket. Your DH will leave you to mummify as he will be too busy to make any burial arrangements or take over cosleeping with baby.

Your post made me smile because you have great humour. I don't have any suggestions as it's been 3.5 years since I slept entire night and my second born - now 13 months, is worse. But you will survive. And you will thrive. Good luck

I do love your writing style OP!

Keep a diary. Have it published. Make millions. Divorce DH. Hire a night nanny.

Sympathies. My daughter is 18 now but I also had a useless piece of shit husband whose job was way too busy and important to be bothering himself with trivial things such as the spawn of his loins waking in the night. It only took me 7 years to divorce him....

Am also menopausal now so fully aware what the lack of sleep does to a person. Being female really is the gift that keeps on giving.

I have no useful advice but I wish I was a tenth as funny as you are.

My first baby did this. My sympathies. My husband used to have her in the evening till 11-12 ish so I could get a few hours of sleep. Then I would take her in the spare room so he could get unbroken sleep. At the weekend sometimes we would swap this round. He worked (also as a computer fixer for a charity) but he also did his fair share (I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown even with his support due to broken sleep). You really need to make your husband help you, or if not he needs to pay for u to have a night nanny or something, you cannot go on with no sleep. If it’s any consolation my little girls sleep did get better around 4 months (when colic seemed to get better with better digestion I think?), so u might be getting towards the end of it. Also I would ignore sleep books etc, I read loads and they were shite. At this age it’s all about ur baby’s temperament and whether there is colic etc . Good luck xxx

I know it’s of no consolation whatsoever but your writing is epic @SnailandtheWail.

DH nodded sagely and then piped up ‘but Tim at work’s baby slept for six hours a night from two days old so there’s no reason why they CAN’T do it’

As Tim is also clearly the sort of sports company wanker whose job is so important he has to sleep all night with ear plugs in he might genuinely think this. But I expect the mother of his baby recalls it rather differently. Perhaps she’d like to join you in Skye with the puffins?

My first never slept for more than 90 minutes at a time. One night I actually felt like I had ran out of things to read on the internet, I had read everything on the World Wide Web ffs!!! 🤣 I can laugh about it now 😬

When you tried to put her down she woke up instantly, fed all the time, never slept. It didn’t improve even when she was in her own room and own cot, killed me she did.

Then we had another 2, and they were a bit better 😀

@hotmeatymilk can I just say i love you

@SnailandtheWail I love this! I’m dealing with DS - my own 5 month old sleep terrorist and I also have had enough of the creepy spider fingers and fade rubbing when he insists on napping only on me! I have no answers…

*face rubbing! Stupid autocorrect