Dying of no PISSING SLEEP, will anyone mourn me?

[SnailandtheWail]

DS is three months old. I love him, I do, but I’m about to leave him out for the magpies.

He has NEVER slept for more than three hours straight, it’s usually two, last night it was one hour at a time.

There’s nothing wrong with him that I can tell. He’s fed. He’s changed. He’s safe and warm. He’s winded. He doesn’t have a dummy. He hates swaddling so I bag him. He will happily go to sleep but he can’t stay asleep. He knows what night is, he’s out and about loads in the day, it’s only the odd day I watch back to back episodes of House while he naps on me. I don’t breastfeed, for reasons I don’t care to go into except it was fucking hard and I thought my breasts were going to rot and fall off. I

For various reasons I sleep with him in the spare room. One of those reasons is that DH doesn’t do any night waking, I do it all. He has an incredibly important job that is fiddling with computers 9-6 at a sports company and people might die if he’s too tired to do something with their computers. He has offered to do a night here and there but there’s so much moaning and lamenting about his tiredness the next day it’s not worth it to me because it makes me want to boil his head in salt water, like a big ham.

This morning when I said I hadn’t slept he informed me that it might be time to ‘look up some tips or get a book’ to help DS sleep through. Because by now, apparently, he should be happy to sleep alone in his crib and sleep for 5+.

Well no one has told DS that. In desperation I have been trying co sleeping but he’s still a pain in the arse and I’m still not sleeping. What are these ‘tips’ I'm missing or is DH just being a condescending twat? A woman from my NCT suggested cranial osteopathy but it sounds like hokum. I couldn’t get on with wonder weeks. It annoyed me as HOW can it be one size fits all and it just feels like it ‘works’ through confirmation bias. All the other 7 babies in said NCT are apparently all sleeping like dreams 9pm -7am with max two wake ups. I’m thinking of leaving the group because reading that honestly makes me want to throw my phone in the river.

I don’t think I’m looking for any answers here. It’s a vent and hopefully some solidarity and also please give me sympathy that I am probably not going to see my impending 36th birthday because this will be what kills me.

I was quite pretty so previously would have had an open casket, but I now look like Nosferatu so that will no longer be an option.

No pearls of wisdom here, just wanted to say that I didn't sleep for more than 2 hours in one go til DS (now 6) was nearly 1.

With DD (8 weeks) I have had several (at least once a week) stints of 6 hours. Ok my boobs were like zeppelins when I woke up each time, but my god, the difference in my sanity and general health...

The difference in my experience stems from their fathers. DS's dad = selfish petty childish shitebag complete with IMPORTANT JOB. DD's dad = amazing actual adult who may have been terrified into submission by many stories of what not to do during pregnancy cares about me almost as much as he does his daughter, and importantly, understands that if I'm not nearly dead with exhaustion, then our baby will be much better cared for.

One of the nicest things said to me at the 6 week mark when I was a MESS was by a stranger in hospital waiting room. She said, "Aw, how old is your baby?" and when I said six weeks, she said, "Damn, you look good girl! You look great!! I was a HAG at six weeks."

Lol. At a time when I was just.so. tired. and overwhelmed - and feeling very self conscious about looking terrible and like an incompetent mother, that stranger's compliment gave me a big boost. I doubt I did look good but how lovely of her to go straight to boosting a fragile new mother's confidence. I always do the same when I meet mothers with small babies.

Meant to say, @SnailandtheWail I am sure you are more than pretty enough for your open casket! Take that worry off your list.

My 4th is 3.5 mths and this sounds completely normal to me! Sorry.
I too hear lots of stories of babies who sleep and sleep….never experienced it myself with any of mine before at least 6 mths.
Stay strong 💪 x

Get DH to take the baby in the evening. You need a 4 hour stretch of sleep to feel human.

My little boy was exactly the same. He’s just started sleeping through now for the first time at 16 months. We’re on our 8th night in a row of unbroken sleep. I can’t believe it!

Well I’m not sleeping either but unfortunately it’s not baby related it’s bloody peri menopause. So I can empathise on lack of sleep but for different reasons obviously.
Craniosacral therapy is supposed to be good for your problem though

On the positive side, you are dying of sleep deprivation and have still written the best MN post I've read in a long time - I'm well impressed!

Some babies don't sleep well for ages. Mine didn't. Yours will eventually. Mine did. Possibly because I decided to count 'sleeping through' as 11pm - 3.30am 🤣

In all seriousness, go to bed after dinner and stay there till breakfast. Forget having evenings for the next little while. Sleep is the most important thing. I went to bed at 8pm and didn't get out of bed till 9am some days and that usually meant I scraped together enough sleep to survive in 3 bursts.

This too shall pass.

Honest.

My youngest is 2 and slept from 7pm till gone 7am this morning! (Aside from a heartstopping couple of minutes when I kissed him goodnight at 10pm only for him to sit bolt upright and start wailing. ALWAYS BLOW A KISS WHEN THEY ARE SLEEPING! Thankfully I was able to convince him to go back to sleep within a minute or two!)

Not RFT but
Yes to Crainial Osteopathy
Move to formula every three hours.

You can share night feeds. Or even day feeds with someone to help so you can sleep for a six hour stretch.

Game changers for me.

Sending you a massive hug! My youngest was a terrible sleeper and it was a killer.
There's a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture tactic.

You definitely have a DH problem. You need more support.
Co sleeping helped us a bit and also we use weekends to take it in turns to have a lie in. I get Saturday and he gets Sunday.

Dd is 2.5 now and is a much better sleeper. It honestly will just happen one day. Your ds will sleep through and you'll wake up in a panic thinking something terrible must've happened 😂 it's always the way.
We still go through phases where dd is a pain in the bum (she now comes into our bed every night at 11) but the days of zero sleep are a distant memory.
They will be for you as well.

I don't know about the baby but cranial sacral therapy worked a treat for me! Fixed every tiny and huge ailment.

Me again. DS (10 months) is poorly this week and has given up the two things that would make him feel much better - eating and sleeping. I had just got up for the fourth time to feed / attempt to settle / wring my hands in anguish at 5am, looking indistinguishable from Uncle Fester, when DH made an appearance (after six hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep) to help administer Calpol and said “you just have to be more patient, patience is the key isn’t it”. The only reason that he is still alive is because I was thinking of this thread and all the ways that I could cook him this morning, which made me laugh and enabled him to make his escape to work.

I do feel for you OP. Sleep deprivation really is torture. Unlike his NCT potato contemporaries my DS hadn’t read the books either and was on at least two night feeds til the 4 month sleep regression, when he woke up every 45 minutes. Sleep deprivation meant that I cried helplessly most days and actually hallucinated that my handbag was a duck on more than one occasion - I wish I was joking. The only hope I can offer is that though there have been bumps along the way and I do now resemble Uncle Fester DS does sleep a bit better - nothing I did, he just sort of did as he grew a bit bigger - and we survived and the days actually became quite fun except when he is ill. The posters on this thread have confirmed my faith in Mumsnet. I hope your DH steps up a bit this weekend so you can get some rest (and post more hilarious things, please).

As someone who works in tech I would put money on your husband not being quite as important or non interruptible as he thinks he is at his big man job! No one will die if he has a little less sleep.
Can you get your mother/father/sister/cousin to call you away for a few days at the weekend for a family emergency? Book into an Airbnb and sleep. Then the important man can find out how difficult it is to look after a baby full time. Good luck.

@50ShadesOfCatholic

I don't know about the baby but cranial sacral therapy worked a treat for me! Fixed every tiny and huge ailment.

Before i had my children a friend went to one on the advice of a woman in a queue whilst she was holding a screaming baby.

Her son had colic and Excema from the stress of screaming.

Within 48 the crying had reduced by 80%, magical.

The osteopath told her he had been a bit squashed under her ribs and he released the tension.

2 sessions sorted her baby.

All mine went within the first week and they were great settled sleepers.

It definitely is worth taking a chance on.

I’ve actually got the rage for you and many of the posters here. How fucking dare these mr important big jobbers treat you like that!
Spend any time you can scrape back from him on getting your hair and make up done if that is your thing. You are obviously way too tired to do housework, wash his pants, cook for him, sex is out of the window. Christmas? Too tired for that.
Visiting his friends and relatives. Too tired for that.
Look after your lovely baby. Wash enough clothes for both of you. Cook only for yourself.
And ditch the NCT liars with the potatoes.
And ignore all the “it gets better” shit. Yeah of course it does. When they are 5 or when they move out at 18. You need help now from mr important.

Do you know what solved the problem for me? Leaving my DH :) I left him for (many!) other reasons than not helping with our DD at all, but the sleep stuff was an unexpected bonus.

I still had a waking-every-hour kid and still fell momentarily asleep (wherever I was!) if my head was anything other than perfectly upright (like one of those dolls whose eyes shut if you tip their heads back). I still hallucinated occasionally through tiredness.

But I didn't have the BURNING RAGE at the unfairness of hearing him SNORING from the spare room, while I walked up and down, up and down, holding the delicious but awake kiddo, that boiled away the whole time, peaking occasionally if he expected profuse thanks for magnanimously making me a cup of coffee as I staggered into the kitchen with kiddo after another night of getting a total of 2 hours sleep.

When it was just me and kiddo (from 3 months onwards) it felt like we were in it together, a team facing the problem and enduring it together. It honestly fixed everything. She's 4 now and only started sleeping through the whole night at about 3 :) not that I'm suggesting you leave your DH! But I understand the rage.

Solidarity to you. I hear that adding marmalade for the last 30 mins of baking adds a lovely tart tang to (ahem) a big baked ham.

@billy1966

Yeah, we're regular visitors to CST, and it did seem to be helpful when the kids were babies. Birth can be violent after all, my son was wrenched out with forceps during a c section, that's got to be distressing 😔

Personally I swear by CST, helps with anything and everything.

You need a 4 hour stretch of sleep to feel human.

So true.

I can get by fine on 4 hours uninterrupted sleep.

Better than 7 hours where I'm woken every 2 hours.

[quote 50ShadesOfCatholic]@billy1966

Yeah, we're regular visitors to CST, and it did seem to be helpful when the kids were babies. Birth can be violent after all, my son was wrenched out with forceps during a c section, that's got to be distressing 😔

Personally I swear by CST, helps with anything and everything.[/quote]
I know. I know of children who have been brought at 4/6/8 because of sleeping problems.
Not getting up, but tossing and turning and never appearing peaceful.
Again, fantastic results.

Another friend of mine went because she had horrific PMT and it sorted her.

Actually this thread has just reminded me of that and my youngest daughters periods are giving her trouble. I think I might bring her back to see if it can help.

I completely feel your pain OP. But there were some bright spots. The first was when my friends potato babies suddenly grew horns and tails around 2yo - by then my were a bit better at sleeping. But the big one was when they were teens and sleeping all the time. I never tired of going into their rooms at 8:00 or whenever I was up and dressed and breezily opening their curtain while gaily shouting ‘Wakey, wakey, rose and shine!’ I swear this was why they went to Uni as soon as they could. They have partners now and have spoiled all my fun!
PS - my daughter has a crier now and it’s taking a lot of self restraint not to grin when she’s complaining

I slept!!! DH is a shell of his former self but is feeling quite proud that he handled it with bravery like going back for survivors on a lifeboat after the Titanic sank, and is going to rally lest he miss the qualifying of the F1. If he whines Im going to suggest to him the Middle East might be a nice place for him to go off and fiddle with computers.

For reasons I don’t quite understand I am on my way to a Christmas event with the NCT mums and their potato babies, but there will be mulled wine and at the moment my own baby is a sleeping potato too. I’m slightly still on the edge of insanity through sleep deprivation because i made up a lullaby about a burrito to sing to the baby as something to do on the bus, but definitely feeling a bit more alive. Or at least a bit less dead.

Ah that's great news! But is it bad that I'm slightly disappointed that there won't be a Christmas ham head complete with diamond pattern and cloves? 😆

@SnailandtheWail

I slept!!! DH is a shell of his former self but is feeling quite proud that he handled it with bravery like going back for survivors on a lifeboat after the Titanic sank, and is going to rally lest he miss the qualifying of the F1. If he whines Im going to suggest to him the Middle East might be a nice place for him to go off and fiddle with computers.

For reasons I don’t quite understand I am on my way to a Christmas event with the NCT mums and their potato babies, but there will be mulled wine and at the moment my own baby is a sleeping potato too. I’m slightly still on the edge of insanity through sleep deprivation because i made up a lullaby about a burrito to sing to the baby as something to do on the bus, but definitely feeling a bit more alive. Or at least a bit less dead.

Hooray!

I'm very happy that old Ham Head finally came through for you

One better night won't make you feel amazingly better in the short term but it's a start and at least now you know it can be done!

My baby was exactly the same - the worst bit being between 3 and 4 months. I was in a sorry old state.
God, that wonder weeks thing pisses me right off! What a load of utter crud. I can't help but feel the same about the cranial osteopathy - apparently a panacea for all ills