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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH moaning about Christmas

93 replies

smashingbaubles · 07/12/2021 18:26

Trying to work out if I'm being unreasonable here and I just need to grin and bear it, or if my Dh is being basically rude...

We've had a plan for where/how we're going to spend Christmas since the autumn. Like many, last we were at our own home and this year we have family on both sides who really want to see us. We both would probably have preferred to just stay at home again, but we agreed (agreed TOGETHER) that we would visit some family at Christmas for a few days before returning home on the 28th. It's been a weird few years so although it's easier to not be guests, it's also going to be lovely to see our families and I'm starting to get excited about it!

The only issue is DH. Every time something about Christmas Day comes up in conversation he huffs about and starts saying I've "ruined his Christmas", moaning about how Christmas is going to be shit, saying how he wants to just skip it this year, saying he hopes we end up in a lockdown etc. This is starting to really annoy me. We're seeing both our families (so not like he's just trekking to his MIL's!) and we've always had lovely times with lots of food etc., so not a bad time. He's just being SO negative that now I'm having massive anxiety about the whole thing. We can't change our minds now so we have to stick with the plans, but I'm worried his attitude is going to ruin it for me and our families when we see them if he's being difficult and rude. I don't want to feel like I'm treading on eggshells all the time we're away, and I know we'll end up having a huge row when we get back home Sad

Do I need to have a sharp word with him, or with myself?! I feel sorry for him in some ways but then again - we are spending lots of time just at home either side of Xmas and we did decide the plan together, so I can't really understand why he can't just follow through with it in good humour now.

OP posts:
Wotsitsits · 07/12/2021 18:30

What does he say when you ask him to expand on what he means by "ruined" ?

I think you can say to him that his attitude is pathetic and he needs to either communicate or shut up. That's what an adult would do.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/12/2021 18:35

What is it about your plans that he is moaning about?

I would have a sharp word and say he's ruining
Christmas with all the complaining. I might also be tempted to say 'fine, stay here on your own then' and I would be ordering a shopping delivery for the day of my return and running the fridge supplies down before I left.

mbosnz · 07/12/2021 18:36

You need to have a very sharp word with him. This hasn't been imposed on him, this was discussed and agreed. And quite frankly, I'd want his firm commitment that he'll suck it up and enter into the spirit of things with both families, or tell him he can bloody well stay home on his tod, and I'll go and enjoy Christmas without him - and with the kids if you have them.

I've got a BIL like this, and my sister eventually snapped and told him to stay at home and sort himself out, because everyone was fed up with his trite performative grinching. Given that would mean feeding himself, and having to get his own bloody beer, he smartened his act up. Buggrit. Would have been so much nicer without him.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/12/2021 18:37

Does he feel the decision wasn't such a joint decision? What does he say when you joint out that you agreed together?

He'd get short shrift from me for suggesting you have ruined his Christmas, he has ruined his own Christmas by agreeing to something he now regrets.

Summersnake · 07/12/2021 19:08

Why can’t he change his mind???
Your married ,not joined at the hip
So you change the plan ? People do .
It’s not set in stone ,
You have time to make a new plan it’s not Christmas yet

FabriqueBelgique · 07/12/2021 19:10

Maybe he’s actually feeling anxious about it? Prod further.

Returnoftheowl · 07/12/2021 19:14

Why is he saying that you have ruined his Christmas? That is a very definite statement, not that Christmas is ruined due to the circumstances such as covid, but he's saying you specifically have ruined it.

Original poster
smashingbaubles · 07/12/2021 19:18

@Summersnake

Why can’t he change his mind??? Your married ,not joined at the hip So you change the plan ? People do . It’s not set in stone , You have time to make a new plan it’s not Christmas yet
Travel is booked, families have made plans around us and also I would find it incredibly rude if my parents or DH’s family were supposed to be coming to us for Christmas and suddenly dropped out two and a half weeks before the big day! That would be very poor form.
OP posts:
Original poster
smashingbaubles · 07/12/2021 19:20

@Returnoftheowl

Why is he saying that you have ruined his Christmas? That is a very definite statement, not that Christmas is ruined due to the circumstances such as covid, but he's saying you specifically have ruined it.
This is a good question - I think because I was the one who said first during the conversation that I thought it would be the right thing to do to see some family this year. I also fall into that trap of being the wife who organises things, so because once we decided I did the phoning to tell people our plans he clearly sees me as the bad guy.
OP posts:
greenlynx · 07/12/2021 19:24

What exactly is he complaining about?

Frankola · 07/12/2021 19:26

My dh is being like this. Moaning how there's too many people and he can't relax (sit in his pants). He's also whinging about having to "run around" on Xmas day. His "running around" is picking up his daughter!

He's getting to be such a misery I've told him to stay at home and we'll get on with our plans without him.

I suggest you do the same Grin

SeasonFinale · 07/12/2021 19:27

Tell him if it is all too much for him you will just go to your family and not his too then and he can explain to his family why.

AutumnLeaves21 · 07/12/2021 19:28

Op I agree with you, would be massively rude to pull out now. He’s being a dick and needs to grow up. Have a sharp word and tell him if he’s going to sulk you’ll leave him at home.

Thursdaymiami · 07/12/2021 19:30

Just say you’ve got two choices

Don’t come
Come and don’t fucking blame it on me or moan.

There is no other option. What is he 15

bergam · 07/12/2021 19:35

I never have guests on Christmas Day. We do visits in drips and drabs in the week or so beforehand. Suits everyone, then Christmas Day is for me, selfish I know, but I don't like being a guest at someone else's house either. That's a real bummer for me.

I sound a bit odd, probably am, but I do what suits me now, and duty visits or being a guest on Christmas Day is a no no anymore. I'm older now and much more brave at saying things out and being upfront about it. No one seems to mind, matter of fact they are probably relieved! I am on your OH side on this one.....but he should have said it out at the beginning really.

Original poster
smashingbaubles · 07/12/2021 19:37

@Frankola

My dh is being like this. Moaning how there's too many people and he can't relax (sit in his pants). He's also whinging about having to "run around" on Xmas day. His "running around" is picking up his daughter!

He's getting to be such a misery I've told him to stay at home and we'll get on with our plans without him.

I suggest you do the same Grin

Glad it’s not just me - the “running around” thing made me laugh as mine is saying the exact same thing! It’s like he’s planning on doing an Ironman on Christmas Day not sitting on his arse unwrapping presents in someone else’s house!
OP posts:
WonderHen · 07/12/2021 19:40

I'm a bit like your DH tbh.

I absolutely hate being a guest in anyone's house (even family), and when I do it it's out of obligation, not because I want to.

I do love both sides of our families, but I can only cope with visiting/being visited in small doses.

I'd much rather stay home with DH Xmas day, either visit someone for lunch/have people come to us for lunch, then have my own space again in the evening. It's the overnights I get really grumpy with. But unlike your DH I do my best to get on with it and not let on id rather be at home.

It's hard when you live far from family, but I hate spending the Xmas period driving from pillar to post.

AutumnLeaves21 · 07/12/2021 19:47

So you’re on the side of him throwing a tantrum and putting the op in a really awkward position?
It’s fine to want Christmas Day alone. It’s not fine to not say that’s what you want, then to act like a brat when plans have been arranged.

Horst · 07/12/2021 19:48

I’m with dh here tbh. I’d much rather be at home on Christmas Day In my own home much more relaxing.

I did enjoy not having to go visiting though obligation during covid tbh.

Oblomov21 · 07/12/2021 19:54

Have you actually talked to him about it all? Say it's upsetting you?

Original poster
smashingbaubles · 07/12/2021 19:56

@Horst

I’m with dh here tbh. I’d much rather be at home on Christmas Day In my own home much more relaxing.

I did enjoy not having to go visiting though obligation during covid tbh.

But if you had agreed to not do that of your own accord, would you moan about it repeatedly and claim your partner was ruining your Christmas? That’s the issue here.
OP posts:
Original poster
smashingbaubles · 07/12/2021 20:00

@Oblomov21

Have you actually talked to him about it all? Say it's upsetting you?
I tried a few weeks ago - he acted like I was being unreasonable and it wasn’t his fault he’d rather we did something else for Christmas and he didn’t need to keep his feelings to himself so I’d feel better. I think he wants me to feel guilty and stressed tbh so we both have a horrible time. Maybe I should just hope we get covid.
OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 07/12/2021 20:01

I prefer to be at home just us too, but I am very upfront about that and have never claimed I was happy to do things differently since we moved in to our own place together . I’m happy to visit but with young kids I won’t want the stress of being a guest and also don’t want to pull them away from their new toys. I’m happy to visit around the day though so your dh needed to say what he wanted when you made your plans!!!

Original poster
smashingbaubles · 07/12/2021 20:02

He once made his Mum cry because he was being so grumpy about visiting, and left me to comfort her and smooth things over. He can be quite tricky to manage.

OP posts:
Thursdaymiami · 07/12/2021 20:03

He just sounds like a cunt.
Why are you with this man child

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