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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - DH moaning about Christmas

93 replies

smashingbaubles · 07/12/2021 18:26

Trying to work out if I'm being unreasonable here and I just need to grin and bear it, or if my Dh is being basically rude...

We've had a plan for where/how we're going to spend Christmas since the autumn. Like many, last we were at our own home and this year we have family on both sides who really want to see us. We both would probably have preferred to just stay at home again, but we agreed (agreed TOGETHER) that we would visit some family at Christmas for a few days before returning home on the 28th. It's been a weird few years so although it's easier to not be guests, it's also going to be lovely to see our families and I'm starting to get excited about it!

The only issue is DH. Every time something about Christmas Day comes up in conversation he huffs about and starts saying I've "ruined his Christmas", moaning about how Christmas is going to be shit, saying how he wants to just skip it this year, saying he hopes we end up in a lockdown etc. This is starting to really annoy me. We're seeing both our families (so not like he's just trekking to his MIL's!) and we've always had lovely times with lots of food etc., so not a bad time. He's just being SO negative that now I'm having massive anxiety about the whole thing. We can't change our minds now so we have to stick with the plans, but I'm worried his attitude is going to ruin it for me and our families when we see them if he's being difficult and rude. I don't want to feel like I'm treading on eggshells all the time we're away, and I know we'll end up having a huge row when we get back home

Do I need to have a sharp word with him, or with myself?! I feel sorry for him in some ways but then again - we are spending lots of time just at home either side of Xmas and we did decide the plan together, so I can't really understand why he can't just follow through with it in good humour now.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 07/12/2021 20:06

Do you have children together?

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 07/12/2021 20:08

@Frankola

My dh is being like this. Moaning how there's too many people and he can't relax (sit in his pants). He's also whinging about having to "run around" on Xmas day. His "running around" is picking up his daughter!

He's getting to be such a misery I've told him to stay at home and we'll get on with our plans without him.

I suggest you do the same

You can tell him if he wants to "run around" he can work nights on Christmas Eve then spend Christmas Day wrangling a 75yo paralysed, non verbal mother and an 11yo while producing various meals, trying to get some rest abd then go back to work for 10pm.

I'll happily swap

SunshineLane · 07/12/2021 20:10

I’d leave him at home. He sounds like a sulky child. Don’t let him ruin your Christmas with your family.

FlorenceWintle · 07/12/2021 20:10

He sounds fucking boring with all this moaning. Tell him he’s ruining your Christmas with his negative, joyless whinging!

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2021 20:11

@smashingbaubles

He once made his Mum cry because he was being so grumpy about visiting, and left me to comfort her and smooth things over. He can be quite tricky to manage.

Tricky to manage or dreadful arsehole? Why are you putting up with it?

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 07/12/2021 20:12

You can't force people to look forward to or enjoy christmas unfortunately. I don't celebrate it myself because I used to loathe the forced merriment and expectation that I'd want to spend it with relatives so much that I eventually just refused point-blank to do it.

If your DH also feels like this, then I can understand why he might just crave a quiet day in his own home with as little fuss as possible, and views the prospect of trailing around, living as guests in a relative's home for multiple nights as a colossal pain in the arse, and considers that to be a 'ruined' christmas.

SparrowNest · 07/12/2021 20:12

Tell him to either shut up and act like an adult, or stay home and explain to his family why. What a whiney baby.

toolazytothinkofausername · 07/12/2021 20:14

@smashingbaubles I would change your plans.

25th Dec- Just you and DH at home
26th Dec- Just you and DH at home
27th Dec- Just you go to your family and leave DH at home
28th Dec- Just you go to your family and leave DH at home
29th Dec onwards- Just you and DH at home.

There is no need to see DH's family if he does not want to.

TheLeadbetterLife · 07/12/2021 20:16

@WonderHen

I'm a bit like your DH tbh.

I absolutely hate being a guest in anyone's house (even family), and when I do it it's out of obligation, not because I want to.

I do love both sides of our families, but I can only cope with visiting/being visited in small doses.

I'd much rather stay home with DH Xmas day, either visit someone for lunch/have people come to us for lunch, then have my own space again in the evening. It's the overnights I get really grumpy with. But unlike your DH I do my best to get on with it and not let on id rather be at home.

It's hard when you live far from family, but I hate spending the Xmas period driving from pillar to post.

I’m exactly the same, I find it all utterly exhausting and like my own home with my own, quiet space. I’ve always been the same. Even when I was a child / teen I would slink off to my room after lunch and presents were over on Christmas Day.

Family Christmas plus travel and not sleeping in my own bed is a miserable prospect to me, not how I would want to spend my holidays (which, after all, are supposed to be about rest and recuperation).

Wombat69 · 07/12/2021 20:17

Why does he have to go anywhere? Such a long time away from home.

If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to go. No managing required, he's not a project for either you or his DM.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 07/12/2021 20:17

Leave him at home with a bag of sprouts and a ready meal.
Go have a nice Xmas with family op.

pictish · 07/12/2021 20:18

He sounds like self-centred shit to be honest.

midlifecrash · 07/12/2021 20:21

Is he not wanting to look forward to it because there’s still a chance it can’t happen, travel will not be possible etc?
If he’s just being a pain just say you will go without him, and tell them all why

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/12/2021 20:21

I dont blame him. I loathe trecking about seeing anyone at Xmas and would much prefer being in mu own home and having a bit of peace and quiet. Its the pits.
I go and see family in summer.
However he should be more mature and just say what he wants to do instead of getting in a strop.

AutumnLeaves21 · 07/12/2021 20:22

[quote toolazytothinkofausername]@smashingbaubles I would change your plans.

There is no need to see DH's family if he does not want to.[/quote]
Why fucking should she?! No way I would kowtow to this fucking arsehole and risk upsetting my family.

Original poster

smashingbaubles · 07/12/2021 20:23

@Wombat69

Why does he have to go anywhere? Such a long time away from home.

If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to go. No managing required, he's not a project for either you or his DM.

It’s literally 3 full days away from home, not “such a long time”

OP posts:

Dozer · 07/12/2021 20:25

His behaviour is nasty.

He’s previously behaved badly, his mother cried and YOU smoothed it over? Stop doing stuff like that - let him manage his own relationships.

TheLeadbetterLife · 07/12/2021 20:26

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I dont blame him. I loathe trecking about seeing anyone at Xmas and would much prefer being in mu own home and having a bit of peace and quiet. Its the pits. I go and see family in summer. However he should be more mature and just say what he wants to do instead of getting in a strop.

Yes this is true. While I sympathise with the OP's husband and feel the same way about schlepping about at Christmas, he should be mature about it and say what he wants.

Visiting family in the Summer is much more pleasant.

Dozer · 07/12/2021 20:27

If he didn’t want to go, he could easily have said this before arrangements were made.

Had you stayed home, the two of you, would he have put effort in and been good company? Or is he often moody?

WonderHen · 07/12/2021 20:27

How far away do they all live?

Thursdaymiami · 07/12/2021 20:30

Why do people keep asking about the logistics.
This twat agreed with op to make an effort with family for Xmas
Moans about it and BLAMES op
Made his mum cry through his selfish sulky actions.
And I would bet real money this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of his shitty behaviour,

A580Hojas · 07/12/2021 20:31

Imo quite a bit has changed since the Autumn. I am having second thoughts about travelling around to see lots of family myself. Perhaps he feels anxious about it in which case does your anxiety top trump his anxiety?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2021 20:32

@Thursdaymiami

Why do people keep asking about the logistics. This twat agreed with op to make an effort with family for Xmas Moans about it and BLAMES op Made his mum cry through his selfish sulky actions. And I would bet real money this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of his shitty behaviour,

I wouldn't take that bet. He's DEFINITELY out of order in other ways.

Thursdaymiami · 07/12/2021 20:35

If he’s anxious then he could say,

Hello DW. I’m feeling really worried and anxious about Xmas, shall I talk to my family and friends suggest we postpone? Obviously love of my life, if you still want to go to your family then that’s fine, I wouldn’t want to ruin your holidays.

Not
You’ve ruined my fucking Christmas and it’s all your fault, and I’ll make sure that I remind you how much you fucked it all up for me constantly. WAAAAAAA WAAAAAAA WAAAAA

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2021 20:45

He sounds like a knob
Go on your own

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