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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - DH moaning about Christmas

93 replies

smashingbaubles · 07/12/2021 18:26

Trying to work out if I'm being unreasonable here and I just need to grin and bear it, or if my Dh is being basically rude...

We've had a plan for where/how we're going to spend Christmas since the autumn. Like many, last we were at our own home and this year we have family on both sides who really want to see us. We both would probably have preferred to just stay at home again, but we agreed (agreed TOGETHER) that we would visit some family at Christmas for a few days before returning home on the 28th. It's been a weird few years so although it's easier to not be guests, it's also going to be lovely to see our families and I'm starting to get excited about it!

The only issue is DH. Every time something about Christmas Day comes up in conversation he huffs about and starts saying I've "ruined his Christmas", moaning about how Christmas is going to be shit, saying how he wants to just skip it this year, saying he hopes we end up in a lockdown etc. This is starting to really annoy me. We're seeing both our families (so not like he's just trekking to his MIL's!) and we've always had lovely times with lots of food etc., so not a bad time. He's just being SO negative that now I'm having massive anxiety about the whole thing. We can't change our minds now so we have to stick with the plans, but I'm worried his attitude is going to ruin it for me and our families when we see them if he's being difficult and rude. I don't want to feel like I'm treading on eggshells all the time we're away, and I know we'll end up having a huge row when we get back home

Do I need to have a sharp word with him, or with myself?! I feel sorry for him in some ways but then again - we are spending lots of time just at home either side of Xmas and we did decide the plan together, so I can't really understand why he can't just follow through with it in good humour now.

OP posts:

tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2021 20:47

Go without him, OP. He won't change until he knows you won't put up with it.

Horst · 07/12/2021 20:51

Did he ask you to actually plan all this or did he just give a man uh huh I guess kinda answer.

Since you said your the one who’s arranged it all he didn’t bother because he didn’t one to.

No he shouldn’t of gone along with it but it sounds like your the one who’s fussed about spending the time with his family and yours (rightfully) but then you mention that his upset his mum not wanting to visit before. There’s a clear history of him not wanting to spend time with his family and sounds like at a guess your the one trying to keep their relationship alive and his just not interested.

BridStar · 07/12/2021 20:53

Sounds awful. Probably have a much nicer Christmas havingy the grumpy miserable shit at home and going out yourself with a cheery wave.

I don't engage with stuff like this. If he wants to complain, I just tell him me and the kids, or myself, are going on our own then. I don't listen to childish sulking from children or adults. Leave miserable sods at home. They're even more miserable when there's no one to bully and bring down. That's all it is, incidentally. Him seeing if he's got enough power over you to ruin the entire season.

BridStar · 07/12/2021 20:55

It works, too. My DH complained about things a couple of times so I just went alone, had a great time and booked more things without him. He then sulked I was having fun and he was left out, apologised and he never fucking complained again

pictish · 07/12/2021 20:55

@BridStar

Sounds awful. Probably have a much nicer Christmas havingy the grumpy miserable shit at home and going out yourself with a cheery wave.

In a nutshell.

Thursdaymiami · 07/12/2021 20:56

@Horst
Oh yeah that get out clause used by dickheads the world over,

“Yeah sure whatever, fine I don’t mind, shrugs shoulders”. = I can’t be bothered to listen to your inane gabbering about stuff, so I am just going to say fine to everything and then blame you later for making me do things I don’t want to do, whilst taking no responsibility for organising anything else.

pictish · 07/12/2021 20:58

[quote Thursdaymiami]@Horst
Oh yeah that get out clause used by dickheads the world over,

Horst · 07/12/2021 21:01

I’m not saying it isn’t a lame get out often used by men.

Just maybe op should stop bothering to arrange thing for him really.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2021 21:01

[quote Thursdaymiami]@Horst
Oh yeah that get out clause used by dickheads the world over,

In my house if you didn't bother listening, you can live gracefully with the consequences of that. More than once I've said to DD, "haha now daddy has to do x because he didn't listen' especially when he's choosing to wear headphones. Sucks to be him.

timeisnotaline · 07/12/2021 21:04

Tell him next whinge you are cancelling visiting his mum, you are absolutely not going to insist on visiting his family knowing he will ruin your Christmas for it, and follow through. Tell his mum/parents he’s being a royally sulking shit and will spoil any Christmas so you’re not coming. Honestly the comment after that ban him from coming with you, and point out you have marriage issues if he agrees to plans for something important like Christmas and then makes it clear he will blame you for it and make your Christmas miserable.
Don’t make yourself miserable so that you can try to pretend to his parents he’s not a whiny grumpy shit. That will just sped up the separation process.

HighlandCowbag · 07/12/2021 21:09

Meh, he's a fucking Grinch.

Just say if he's going to come and moan he might as well stay at home and you will go and see your family, up to him what he does about his. I won't make any arrangements for Christmas day beyond nipping and seeing my mum for an hour i the morning. But I am really honest about it and just say no thanks to any invite. I wouldn't piss and moan about it after accepting invitations.

cabingirl · 07/12/2021 21:27

I'd tell him that he doesn't need to come to your family, you will go on your own.

With his family let him make the call for himself and then you decide what you want to do either way.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 07/12/2021 21:28

I'd just tell him he can stay home by himself if he's going to continue to moan and sulk about seeing family at Christmas after another shitty year. And if he does, I'd think long and hard about what your life is going to look like going forward with such a twit.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/12/2021 21:29

@BridStar

Sounds awful. Probably have a much nicer Christmas havingy the grumpy miserable shit at home and going out yourself with a cheery wave.

This! Do it OP. Take back control

RobertaFirmino · 07/12/2021 21:58

Just go to your DM for the full duration and leave the miserable old get at home. Problem solved.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 07/12/2021 22:16

I’m also in the leave the miserable sod at home camp. He wants Christmas at home he can have but don’t organise any food or anything for him. He can sort all that for himself.

And yes as PP. have said, I’d be amazed if his nobtastic petulance was limited to just this

Rewis · 07/12/2021 22:22

Could he just stay at home? You go yo see tour family. Maybe visit inlaws if you want. If he prefers to ne home and you are starting to feel excited to visit family, why not just do that?

Austen33 · 08/12/2021 06:08

Does having a sharp word ever work?

IncompleteSenten · 08/12/2021 06:13

Tell him to stay at home because the last thing you want is yet another event ruined by his sulking

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 08/12/2021 06:18

It sounds as though this is the tip of a rather large iceberg

I'd definitely tell him you'd rather go on your own as he's being such a cunt about it. See how that goes down.

NeverRTFT · 08/12/2021 06:20

You set he agreed but you also acknowledge this was in a convo where you suggested the Xmas plans then rapidly phoned around and booked stuff. Maybe he does feel steamrollered.

He is BU for not talking about it properly.
I think you are also BU for not having a proper talk to him to understand why he's unhappy.

Maybe talk it out and agree to have Xmas 2022 just you at home? On condition he snaps out of his mood this year!

NeverRTFT · 08/12/2021 06:22

I'd find 3 days away from home, especially at crimble, quite a long time.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 08/12/2021 06:23

All the hype is the problem.

Why is it "the big day" or "his Christmas"? Unless he's young enough to believe in Santa/ father Christmas (obviously not) very religious and concerned about not being able to attend church and engage in quiet reflection before doing some good works (obviously not) then why the drama about "his Christmas". Is it the only day off he gets all year - also obviously not if you live in the UK or EU or anywhere else with employment laws ...

Billybagpuss · 08/12/2021 06:45

Will a ‘sharp word’ actually work?

Do you have kids is his constant grumbling ruining it for them too?

TillyTopper · 08/12/2021 06:46

Call his bluff - I'd say "ok - I understand, why don't you give them both a call and cancel". See what he does! Then when he complains call him out "but you were going to call and cancel?"

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