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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - DH moaning about Christmas

93 replies

smashingbaubles · 07/12/2021 18:26

Trying to work out if I'm being unreasonable here and I just need to grin and bear it, or if my Dh is being basically rude...

We've had a plan for where/how we're going to spend Christmas since the autumn. Like many, last we were at our own home and this year we have family on both sides who really want to see us. We both would probably have preferred to just stay at home again, but we agreed (agreed TOGETHER) that we would visit some family at Christmas for a few days before returning home on the 28th. It's been a weird few years so although it's easier to not be guests, it's also going to be lovely to see our families and I'm starting to get excited about it!

The only issue is DH. Every time something about Christmas Day comes up in conversation he huffs about and starts saying I've "ruined his Christmas", moaning about how Christmas is going to be shit, saying how he wants to just skip it this year, saying he hopes we end up in a lockdown etc. This is starting to really annoy me. We're seeing both our families (so not like he's just trekking to his MIL's!) and we've always had lovely times with lots of food etc., so not a bad time. He's just being SO negative that now I'm having massive anxiety about the whole thing. We can't change our minds now so we have to stick with the plans, but I'm worried his attitude is going to ruin it for me and our families when we see them if he's being difficult and rude. I don't want to feel like I'm treading on eggshells all the time we're away, and I know we'll end up having a huge row when we get back home

Do I need to have a sharp word with him, or with myself?! I feel sorry for him in some ways but then again - we are spending lots of time just at home either side of Xmas and we did decide the plan together, so I can't really understand why he can't just follow through with it in good humour now.

OP posts:

LargeYorkshirePuddingAndGravy · 08/12/2021 06:52

You said previously that you can't cancel two and a half weeks before visiting because that would be rude yet you also just said

"I tried a few weeks ago - he acted like I was being unreasonable and it wasn’t his fault he’d rather we did something else for Christmas and he didn’t need to keep his feelings to himself so I’d feel better."

So actually over a month before Christmas he let you know he actually wasn't comfortable with the plans but didn't want to upset you.

Maybe try to be a bit flexible. Yea he probably could have handled it better but so could you.

Newestname002 · 08/12/2021 09:49

Why are you with him, @smashingbaubles? He sounds like a grumpy, gaslighting toddler. That behaviour, including making his mother cry, is deeply unattractive. I do hope he has other redeeming features- otherwise it might be time to see if you really want to spend your future years with him. 🌹

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/12/2021 10:07

Ugh. I hate men who behave like this! Agree to something, then make their partner’s life a misery about it.

Suck it up some times, mate, so that the woman you profess to love can enjoy herself with a light heart.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/12/2021 10:09

I don't engage with stuff like this. If he wants to complain, I just tell him me and the kids, or myself, are going on our own then. I don't listen to childish sulking from children or adults. Leave miserable sods at home. They're even more miserable when there's no one to bully and bring down. That's all it is, incidentally. Him seeing if he's got enough power over you to ruin the entire season.

^^
Also this. It’s what my exh was like

shouldistop · 08/12/2021 10:15

Call his bluff. Tell him he's welcome to stay at home and he can phone both families to let them know his plans.
Next time he complains remind him that he's welcome to cancel.
He won't cancel and even if he does you'll probably have a better time without him anyway.

Tal45 · 08/12/2021 10:15

While I wouldn't want to be away for Christmas I would have made that very clear from the start! Going along with things for an easy life and then moaning about it after is not on.
Can you say that you understand this isn't the Christmas he ideally would like but can he make the most of it and next year you can stay home and do things the way he'd like?

Bubblesgun · 08/12/2021 10:20

I havent read the whole thread so not sure if there is a back story but just wanted to say.

I feel the same as your husband. Last year we were pissed off with the restrictions but this year i have no energy. I cant bring myself to think about xmas and to start enjoying it. I know it is unfair on my kids but I havr no more bandwidth. I have started anti depressants and it is starting to help but it feels so hard this year.

Maybe your husband feels the same?

It s like for me that the past 18 months have suddenly released all the amxieties. We all have kept going, believing the vaccin would help and now this fucking omicron. Like it s never ending. And i must say christmas is at the bottom of my priorities.

So maybe give him a sympathetic ear because there could something else triggering hos feelings.

Amberflames · 08/12/2021 10:23

Just tell him to grow up. Part of being a grown up is learning to not be selfish and that we something have to do things to please others.

I would really rather we didn’t have to go and spend a few nights with my in laws, but they’re nice people and it means a lot to DH so we do.

And if he’s that grumpy about it just leave him at home and go and see your family. He can tell his family to do one if he’s so inclined.

scooterbear · 08/12/2021 10:36

What's his alternative suggestion? It funny how the people that moan about Christmas then offer no alternatives to the proposed plan... it's like Christmas moaning is a sort of sport to them or something. Either we it's soul sucking isn't it? My ex boyfriend was like this. It was miserable.
I would say to your dh -fine, don't come. We'll say you're ill or whatever. I would think he will Improve himself pdq at the thought of being on his own. And if not, win win, you'll have a better time without him.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 08/12/2021 10:45

@smashingbaubles

He once made his Mum cry because he was being so grumpy about visiting, and left me to comfort her and smooth things over. He can be quite tricky to manage.

Then sod him. Leave him home while you go and visit your family. Let him exlain to his mum why neither of you will be going to her, unless he suddenly decides he will.

You tell him you have tried to discuss it, he has sulked and used emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty about it. You won't put up with it and this signals a significant change in your relationship - a point where you simply begin to leave him to amuse himself while you go and visit whomever you choose, whenever you choose.

Stop managing him. He is an adult.

I have an uncle just like him, he is such a fucking misreable git! He shouted downstairs, from his bed in our grandparents house, one Christmas lunchtime, to stop treating him like a child. At 9 years old I shouted back up "Stop acting like one then!". Aunt, grandparents and my mother shot outside to laugh where he couldn't hear them and my 2 younger cousins hid under the table scared of his reaction.

He came down about 2 hours later to scrounge himself something to eat and acted like nothing had happened. But nothing changed his sheer miserable twattishness.

Laserbird16 · 08/12/2021 10:53

Just no. He doesn't get to put this in you.

No shape word required. Shrug your shoulders and do what you want. He can talk to his mother about why he has decided he can't be arsed seeing her at Christmas.

I would take a long hard look at your relationship though. Who has time for this childishness

MoreAloneTime · 08/12/2021 11:03

Making his mum cry is a bad sign. Does he have a lot of redeeming qualities because that alone says a lot about him as a person. Do you often have to smooth things over because of how he behaves?

PragmaticWench · 08/12/2021 11:08

He can be tricky to manage

He's not tricky, he's rude and purposefully difficult, deliberately blaming you for plans that you made together. We have to 'manage' this behaviour from toddlers as they lack the brain capacity to be reasonable but we don't have to manage behaviour from adults. Step away and let him act like a petulant brat, go enjoy your holiday with your family or his family if you like them.

teawamutu · 08/12/2021 11:16

He sounds like a total arse, sorry.

FictionalCharacter · 08/12/2021 11:36

YOU have ruined his Christmas? Good grief, I detest manbabies. Of course YANBU and yes you should have a sharp word with him.

Ironically with all this whinging and blaming, it’s him who is about to ruin your Christmas. Try not to let him. Every single time he moans, remind him that you agreed this together.

Popcornriver · 08/12/2021 12:24

I can't really work out why you both agreed to travel to relatives over Christmas when neither of you wanted to. Are they really far away? Did you have to stay over instead of just a day visit?

Saying that your husband sounds like an arsehole. Sorry. He made your mum cry with past behaviour and you're tiptoeing around him because you're expecting a huge row when you get home on the 28th? To me that sounds like he's ruining YOUR Christmas OP.

I don't particularly enjoy traipsing around on Christmas day but being with wider family on the day itself is really important to my DH so I compromise. He compromises with me on other issues so fairs fair really.

Lasair · 08/12/2021 12:24

He sounds awful. What are his good qualities when do you have to mange him?

Lasair · 08/12/2021 12:24

Don’t*

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