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Original poster

To think that potential Christmas guest should just make their bloody mind up! This is actually rude, right?

90 replies

MincePieBreakfast · 06/12/2021 13:47

Hi,

So I'm hosting Christmas this year and invited everyone we wanted to come a couple of months ago now. Everyone gladly accepted, apart from my cousin who I'm very close to, but who is still undecided. She just can't make their mind up whether they want to spend Christmas with us or just with dp and dc. I wouldn't be offended at all if it was the latter and in the beginning, I was happy for them to take a little time to decide, but now we're into December and needing to order food/drink territory, I kind of need to know!

I actually think it's getting quite rude now. I have made it clear we won't be offended if they decide to stay at home, but I asked again last night and I got "oh, we still don't know yet" and I did for the first time say "okay, but we really do need to know soon for the shopping and bedding etc" and she said "oh don't worry, if we do come we'll just slot in" 🙄The bizarre thing is, she's a really good host herself and knows how it works. Knows that realistically, people don't just "slot in".

Is this getting rude or should I really just chill out?

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 06/12/2021 13:49

I think I would give her a deadline. Just say you have to put in food order by Friday so if she’s not decided by then she can’t come.
Some people just need a deadline to work too.

MattHancocksSexTape · 06/12/2021 13:50

Tell her you need a decision by weds one way or the other, and will accept she isn’t coming if you don’t hear back.

heldinadream · 06/12/2021 13:51

"Sorry, you can't slot in it isn't going to work like that. My deadline for knowing whether you're coming is 6pm this Wednesday when I finalise my shopping and meal planning, so if you still can't decide by then we'll see you in the New Year! Huge love, MincePieBreakfast."

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 06/12/2021 13:51

She probably doesn’t think she’s being rude as she’s prepared to just slot in.
You need to be clear that you need to know and by when. None of this we need to know soon lark. Be assertive

gettingolderandgrumpy · 06/12/2021 13:52

Yes it’s rude tell her you want to know by the 10th say as that’s when going shopping if not heard by then tell her you’ll assume your not coming . Does she think she can decide on the day ? .

Clymene · 06/12/2021 13:54

I presume there are at least 3 of them. You can't just slot in 3 people to stay when you have multiple guests!

A Wednesday deadline is good.

rrhuth · 06/12/2021 13:54

Oh nightmare. Can you rescind the offer? They sound like twats.

Just say 'really sorry I've organised everything now and there's no room any more, hope you have a lovely time, maybe see you in the new year'.

I think it is fine to be a bit rude to people who were rude first Grin

WeAllHaveWings · 06/12/2021 13:56

Tell them you need to know by tonight if they are coming as you don't have enough chairs and you also need to know how much food/drink to order, tell them if you don't hear anything by tonight then you'll assume they are not coming.

Saying you "need to know soon" is too woolly, give her a fixed deadline.

Obviously you'll then have the problem they might ask a week before Christmas if they can come, be prepared and say sorry I don't think there is enough space/chairs/crackers/food for another 3 mouths, Let me see what I can do and get back to you. Then think about how much effort it will be to slot them in, if too much tell them sorry and wish you had told me sooner as would have loved to have you here. It is the only way people learn not to be so rude.

londonrach · 06/12/2021 13:57

Give her a deadline. Saying that I'm hoping to go to my parents but you never know what might happen re lockdown...

Embracelife · 06/12/2021 14:02

"I need to decide whether to order turkey for 8 or for 12, and how many mini trifles.I assume you not coming so you will need to bring your own turjey and dessert if you do come "

YouGotThisKeepGoing · 06/12/2021 14:02

Usually I’d say it’s rude. But this year, I think a lot of people don’t really know if they’re coming or going generally somewhere a bit of dithering is ok.

Would definitely give her a fixed deadline though, say this Friday.

Elbie79 · 06/12/2021 14:04

Just slot in? Sorry, that's dickish. You've done the right thing so far in giving her space, but yes now it's time for the deadline. I'd say Friday so they've got all week to think about it (not that they haven't had months already) and then you've got the weekend to plan.

I wouldn't be too specific about why you need to know by Friday, it's tempting to give a reason to justify yourself eg we're on the cusp between X turkey and Y turkey and the butcher needs the order at the weekend. But you just give them licence to slither out of it again "oh we don't eat much turkey anyway". So just "I totally get it's a mad time of year, but I definitely need confirmed numbers well in advance, so let me know by Friday if you guys can make it, would be lovely to have you there, but totally understand if not". Then if you wake up on Saturday morning and they haven't confirmed send them a breezy message confirming you've made plans without them.

Embracelife · 06/12/2021 14:05

Tho I wouod just order bit enough turkey and plan for pies and curries on days after if they don't come
Parsnips snd potatoes can keep to cook another day
Nothing is given anyway this year since anyone can come down with covid

RaisedByPangolins · 06/12/2021 14:07

They’ve had plenty of time to decide. I’d just say to them today - have ordered the food for us (xx amount of people) so if you do come along, make it after dinner and we’ll make sure to keep you a mince pie! Cheeky fuckers. Waiting to see if a better offer comes along by the sound of it.

Shedmistress · 06/12/2021 14:09

Where would she 'slot in' if you have no bedding for her? Do you have multiple rooms and beds available?

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 06/12/2021 14:09

YANBU. That IS rude and inconsiderate. I would not ask her again tbh.

I am a bit stressy when making plans and like to know who is coming and when, many WEEKS before the event. Just tell me. The 'I don't know what we're doing yet' ones do my head in. Well say you're coming to ours on the 21st, then you WILL know what you're doing yes?!'

I would be going nuts about this if I were you @MincePieBreakfast and would just leave it now if I had been fobbed off so many times. Don't contact her again. She's very rude and thoughtless!

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 06/12/2021 14:10

@rrhuth

Oh nightmare. Can you rescind the offer? They sound like twats.

Just say 'really sorry I've organised everything now and there's no room any more, hope you have a lovely time, maybe see you in the new year'.

I think it is fine to be a bit rude to people who were rude first Grin

Good one! Do this @MincePieBreakfast if you get no definite answer by say, Wednesday/Thursday...
NoSquirrels · 06/12/2021 14:11

You haven’t been clear and you need to be.

“Cousin, I need to know by this Thursday at the latest if you’re coming. No worries if you aren’t coming, we can catch up another day. I can’t slot you in at the last minute because I’m getting everything sorted this weekend.”

Then on Thursday if you haven’t heard

“Last chance! Let me know today if you do want to be added to our Christmas Day?”

5thnonblonde · 06/12/2021 14:13

Could there be anything you don’t know like a pregnancy announcement or similar that could affect plans

NoSquirrels · 06/12/2021 14:16

@5thnonblonde

Could there be anything you don’t know like a pregnancy announcement or similar that could affect plans
How can the OP know something she doesn’t know?

Regardless, it’s still really rude. Whatever’s going on, if they can’t commit to coming they should commit to not coming.

thisplaceisweird · 06/12/2021 14:18

"I'm doing an order for food on the xth, can you let me know by then?"

simpledeer · 06/12/2021 14:23

I would have given her a 30 Nov deadline.

Tell her if she doesn't confirm by Weds you will assume she isn't coming and will cater accordingly.

She is being very rude.

FinallyHere · 06/12/2021 14:23

We have one couple like this in the wider extended family. I'm afraid I just include them in the numbers for food, bedding and towels then fill up the freezer with leftovers if they don't make it.

I would love to 'call them out' but feel too strongly to manage to do so breezily. If I mention anything I'll probably get cross or weep so ... I get ready then can join in just 'chillin' and 'see what happens'.

What.a.waste

DH's side of the family, natch.

cookiemonster2468 · 06/12/2021 14:23

Yeah, it is rude.

Just tell her you need to know by X date and can't slot people in at the last minute because it's a lot of planning and cooking for you to cater for everyone.
Tell her if you haven't heard by then you will assume she's not coming and won't have enough food/ space, but will catch up in the new year.

Levithian · 06/12/2021 14:24

'Sorry but I really do need to know the numbers or it will stress me out. Let me know by tomorrow please. Thanks x'