To think that potential Christmas guest should just make their bloody mind up! This is actually rude, right?

[MincePieBreakfast]

Hi,

So I'm hosting Christmas this year and invited everyone we wanted to come a couple of months ago now. Everyone gladly accepted, apart from my cousin who I'm very close to, but who is still undecided. She just can't make their mind up whether they want to spend Christmas with us or just with dp and dc. I wouldn't be offended at all if it was the latter and in the beginning, I was happy for them to take a little time to decide, but now we're into December and needing to order food/drink territory, I kind of need to know!

I actually think it's getting quite rude now. I have made it clear we won't be offended if they decide to stay at home, but I asked again last night and I got "oh, we still don't know yet" and I did for the first time say "okay, but we really do need to know soon for the shopping and bedding etc" and she said "oh don't worry, if we do come we'll just slot in" 🙄The bizarre thing is, she's a really good host herself and knows how it works. Knows that realistically, people don't just "slot in".

Is this getting rude or should I really just chill out?

As others have said, I’d give a deadline because you need to order the correct amount of food and drink by that point so need to know.

It's a bit rude if there's 3 of them dithering, but as it's christmas (good will and all that stuff) I'd chill out a bit and let it happen. Re bedding, you could tell her, sorry, no room at the inn (unless you can easily manage a last minute bedding solution). Re food/drink don't over cater and if they decide to come at the last minute give them an alternative if you run out of your fancy option.

I would suspect she it hoping for another offer which hasn't yet been forthcoming - or her DP doesnt want to come and she is hoping to change his mind.

Either way I would give her a deadline for Christmas Dinner attendance - any other point you can probably work around!

My DM used to do this to us. We would invite her over for dinner and she would say she would see nearer the time. So essentially see if she got a better offer, as she always goes to someone's house. I stopped inviting her. This year I have had multiple hints from family members of "where is your mum going? have you spoken to her" when I know they have discussed it with her, and have just said I dont know.

Sounds like she is holding off incase she gets a better offer...

I think everyone's thoughts on when is the latest you can decide Xmas plans varies tbh.

I agree with giving a deadline - which is what I always do with my rather laid back brother. I just say 'let me know by the end of November what you're doing'.

(That said, I think he's rather brilliant so if he phoned on 23rd Dec and said "Can I change my mind and come to you for Christmas" I'd still welcome him with open arms and we'd just have to work food etc out to cover him.)

I agree with everyone saying give them a deadline.

"Need numbers by X. If you're still undecided, we'll leave it this year but arrange a catch up at some point."

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Sounds like she is holding off incase she gets a better offer...

Exactly. Just message "I presume you are not coming for Christmas, let me know when you are free to meet up in the new year". Job done, they have had months to decide so don't let them mess you about any longer. No more messages, no please can you let me know by, no "slotting in", no deadlines. You invited them, they refused to RSVP, so count them out and focus on your invitees that have manners.

Wow! We gave people a deadline of 1sr December! Clear deadlines are a must and explain you won't be able to "just spit" 4 people in.

*just slot

YANBU. We're in to December now, it's rude not to have given you an answer.

Well from what you said her other option was just staying home. So don’t feel any guilt about letting her do just that and ignore any last minute calls.
She’s not going to be alone anyway she has a Spouse and child(ren). No big deal.

"Sounds like she is holding off incase she gets a better offer..."

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage It can't be that! We're an absolute hoot!!

Seriously though, I genuinely don't think so. I'd be shocked if she went anywhere else.

If we weren't so close, I'd probably be okay with the whole deadline idea, but it just feels so abrupt, even though it's perfectly reasonable!

I

Definitely a deadline!
“Hi Jill I’m going to assume you’re not coming now as I need to sort everything out. If that’s not the case please let me know today”.

Sounds to me like she doesn't want to come but feels a bit awkward telling you.

I'd just message her and say 'finalising my numbers and planning my shopping list for Christmas. I take it you decided to have Christmas at home and that's fine, but just wanted to check before I started shopping. If I don't hear from you today at it's a yes I'll assume it's no.'

Yes to giving her a deadline - ‘hello cousin, we need you to give us a firm yes or no by Weds please, as I’m ordering the food and drink.’ You could even add the old MN fave ‘slotting in doesn’t work for us this time, I’m afraid’.

Honestly if you’re that close, I’d be blunt. Sue… I’m doing the catering. You have until 6pm tonight or I’m making the decision for you and you’ll have to find somewhere else to go. I’m not your Plan B.

@MincePieBreakfast

Hi,

So I'm hosting Christmas this year and invited everyone we wanted to come a couple of months ago now. Everyone gladly accepted, apart from my cousin who I'm very close to, but who is still undecided. She just can't make their mind up whether they want to spend Christmas with us or just with dp and dc. I wouldn't be offended at all if it was the latter and in the beginning, I was happy for them to take a little time to decide, but now we're into December and needing to order food/drink territory, I kind of need to know!

I actually think it's getting quite rude now. I have made it clear we won't be offended if they decide to stay at home, but I asked again last night and I got "oh, we still don't know yet" and I did for the first time say "okay, but we really do need to know soon for the shopping and bedding etc" and she said "oh don't worry, if we do come we'll just slot in" 🙄The bizarre thing is, she's a really good host herself and knows how it works. Knows that realistically, people don't just "slot in".

Is this getting rude or should I really just chill out?

Absolutely set a deadline. Amazing some people are rude enough to need one. They can't expect to just keep you hanging around waiting and then getting stressed out trying to get all the food etc ready at the last minute. Who thinks it's okay to just decide to drop by at Xmas when so much preparation goes Into it? 🙄

@MincePieBreakfast

"Sounds like she is holding off incase she gets a better offer..."

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage It can't be that! We're an absolute hoot!!

Seriously though, I genuinely don't think so. I'd be shocked if she went anywhere else.

If we weren't so close, I'd probably be okay with the whole deadline idea, but it just feels so abrupt, even though it's perfectly reasonable!

I

If you’re “so close” surely it’s even easier to tell her that it’s stressing you out not knowing numbers, when you need to order things and organise your plans?

You need to be assertive and clear.

"No pressure whichever you choose - but I need to know for definite by Friday"

If she feels pressured is she likely to say yes and then cancel last minute? What’s more annoying? Will someone else take her place if she’s a no?

You aren’t being unreasonable but you’re not being clear enough about your expectations. It would be perfectly fine for you to say “I need to know by the end of the week so I can plan as it won’t work for you just to ‘slot in’. Please let me know by X date. Would love to see you but if it doesn’t work out that’s fine too!”

Yes, she’s being very unreasonable. Firm but polite deadline of Wednesday to decide.

Ah, she's playing Christmas Chicken. Hoping you'll blink first.