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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that potential Christmas guest should just make their bloody mind up! This is actually rude, right?

90 replies

MincePieBreakfast · 06/12/2021 13:47

Hi,

So I'm hosting Christmas this year and invited everyone we wanted to come a couple of months ago now. Everyone gladly accepted, apart from my cousin who I'm very close to, but who is still undecided. She just can't make their mind up whether they want to spend Christmas with us or just with dp and dc. I wouldn't be offended at all if it was the latter and in the beginning, I was happy for them to take a little time to decide, but now we're into December and needing to order food/drink territory, I kind of need to know!

I actually think it's getting quite rude now. I have made it clear we won't be offended if they decide to stay at home, but I asked again last night and I got "oh, we still don't know yet" and I did for the first time say "okay, but we really do need to know soon for the shopping and bedding etc" and she said "oh don't worry, if we do come we'll just slot in" 🙄The bizarre thing is, she's a really good host herself and knows how it works. Knows that realistically, people don't just "slot in".

Is this getting rude or should I really just chill out?

OP posts:
RuggerHug · 06/12/2021 15:10

If you're close just say it! Or say you're ordering the food and they can bring their own and sit at the kids table/on the couch with itGrin

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/12/2021 15:13

Blimey, some people are a lot more laidback and kind than I am.

I expect a decision within days of making an invitation because I think it's rude not to give a straight yes or no.

Embracelife · 06/12/2021 15:17

If you really close and informal

Then

Does it matter if they end up sharing roast potatoes?

Is it family squash in how you can on the rickety chair no one minds? If you turn up you get fed?

Or maybe you more formal ?
Which is fine is up to you!

  • are you arranging formal sit down dinner with allocated place settings? And it would upset the plans a lot?

So really really need to know numbers?

Only you know how much it impacts and how you operate usually

BungleandGeorge · 06/12/2021 15:20

If you want a definite just give her a deadline. Some people are happy to be last minute, others not, you need to let her know that it’s not ok for you

picklemewalnuts · 06/12/2021 15:22

'Sorry Cousin, I need you to decide. There are things I need to organise that won't just stretch/fit in. Let me know tomorrow or I'll assume you aren't coming.'

whynotwhatknot · 06/12/2021 15:32

how does a whole family slot in-what if you were doing a certain amount of potatoes and certain size meat

its rude to not just ay yes or no

NumberTheory · 06/12/2021 15:32

The deadline idea is totally reasonable but if that feels too abrupt because you're so close, maybe a sit down and a heart to heart. A chat where you ask her why she's so undecided about it (may be there's something going on, maybe covid has made her anxious and so it's hard to make a decision, maybe she's just become much more casual about everything). You can also let her know it's stressing you out not knowing and that the idea of her "slotting in" fills you with dread (or whatever).

Jumpingintochristmas · 06/12/2021 15:33

Our butchers deadline for orders was Friday 3rd!

I would say need an answer by a set date.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 06/12/2021 15:33

There's enough uncertainty with flu, RSV, COVID, and poor travel conditions depending on the weather without having to accommodate guests who can't make up their minds.

Roselilly36 · 06/12/2021 15:35

I would assume she wasn’t coming and carry on regardless. If she wanted to spend Christmas with you she would have accepted the invitation. But very rude of her not to confirm.

Grumpycatsmum · 06/12/2021 15:36

Given what she has said assume she's not coming. If she turns up they will have to do as they suggested and have whatever is left

SarahBellam · 06/12/2021 15:41

She doesn’t want to come. I’d just go radio silence with her and if she changes her mind tell her you thought she wasn’t coming so she’ll need to bring over her bedding and some extra food and drink. I couldn’t be arsed with chasing after her.

NoSquirrels · 06/12/2021 15:42

If we weren't so close, I'd probably be okay with the whole deadline idea, but it just feels so abrupt, even though it's perfectly reasonable!

It’s totally normal and even easier if you’re close- you just say Cousin, it’s stressing me out not knowing and I won’t be able to slot you in last minute so please give me a decision!

bert3400 · 06/12/2021 15:47

I'm with you OP, it's rude and how can you just slot in x 3 people . It doesn't work like that. Definitely give her a deadline ...message her tonight to say you need an answer by this Wednesday as you have other people to consider

Earwigworries · 06/12/2021 15:50

You can’t just slot in a whole family - one person maybe … I’d let her know you need to order the meat

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/12/2021 15:54

This is very rude! I have one guest dithering but it's just the one and he won't 'stay overnight so he can literally just 'slot in'. But 3+ and overnight is very different.

Chocolatewheatos · 06/12/2021 15:55

I tell people when I invite them the deadline and if I don't hear back they're not coming. I ordered my meat and veg weeks ago, no way would I have waited until now to do it. They've right taken the piss. Just tell them you've had to order and couldn't afford to buy stuff that wouldn't get used so you'll catch up with them some other time. Probably waiting to see if they get a better offer.

noscoobydoodle · 06/12/2021 15:55

My SiL is still undecided. She is undecided every year- most years she finally decides to stay at home but one year she did actually turn up at ours. I count her and her husband as one extra portion for food. We usually have enough left over to feed at least 2 (probably more). We make clear there's no space for them to stay over at ours as those with definite plans get the beds/sofas/mattresses! The first couple of years totally stressed me out but a good 10+ years later it doesn't even register! If you are cooking something that doesn't lend itself to extras, just say if they haven't confirmed when you order then they are welcome to come before/after dinner (or a set time) for a mince pie and coffee or whatever.

Findingthelight1 · 06/12/2021 16:04

If she's usually a really good host herself then I'm inclined to cut her some slack and wonder if there's something else going on. Significant Covid anxiety, or health issues, or a potential pregnancy announcement, or something similar that is making her dither out of character?

I'm very relaxed about Christmas so if it were me (and presuming I had a house big enough to host, and enough chairs etc) I genuinely wouldn't care. I'd order a big enough turkey to include the additional 3 and work on the theory that veg, desserts, etc aren't such an exact science anyway. They can bring their own wine if they turn up..!

fabricfanatic · 06/12/2021 16:13

if you're too close to set a deadline (I get that it depends on the relationship), I'd tell her that you'll be making your orders on X date, so if she hasn't given you a final answer by then, you might be asking her to bring some things to pad out the meals/sheets, since you want to be sure everyone has enough/is comfortable. That's reasonable! And maybe it will be the kick up the arse she needs to make up her mind!!

The worst that happens is she thinks, "Gosh, didn't realise she was so uptight! Better give her an answer." Not everyone likes to wing it, and if you're as close as you say, she probably knows you're a planner and like to be prepared.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 06/12/2021 16:17

@MincePieBreakfast

"Sounds like she is holding off incase she gets a better offer..."

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage Shock It can't be that! We're an absolute hoot!! Wink

Seriously though, I genuinely don't think so. I'd be shocked if she went anywhere else.

If we weren't so close, I'd probably be okay with the whole deadline idea, but it just feels so abrupt, even though it's perfectly reasonable!

I

With all the news about lack of delivery drivers and empty shelves, and the recent petrol crisis, it is perfectly reasonable to require a response to your kind invitation within a deadline - end of this week latest, I should think.
stalkersaga · 06/12/2021 16:20

Truthbomb: at this stage no answer is an answer and she isn't coming. If she wanted to come she would have confirmed long ago.

I'd skip the "let me know by Thursday" stage and just say "looks like you coming for Christmas isn't going to work out this year, hope you have a lovely time at home and see you in the NY".

NellieEllie · 06/12/2021 16:22

I think I’d do a “Oh, I know I’m a pain but I’m far too much of an organising freak to cope with last minute ‘“slotting in” - Can you let me know by……. I’ll hang on til then with the shopping but I daren’t leave it any later. So if I don’t hear, I’ll assume you’ll stay at home. We’d love to see you but quite understand if you don’t come..”

Benjispruce5 · 06/12/2021 16:26

Just rude. Tell her you need to know by Friday at the latest.

TheCanyon · 06/12/2021 16:28

Could be worse, several times my parents have phoned Christmas morning and said they're just popping through, it's a near 3 hour journey so of course they're not just popping through.

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