To think that potential Christmas guest should just make their bloody mind up! This is actually rude, right?

[MincePieBreakfast]

Hi,

So I'm hosting Christmas this year and invited everyone we wanted to come a couple of months ago now. Everyone gladly accepted, apart from my cousin who I'm very close to, but who is still undecided. She just can't make their mind up whether they want to spend Christmas with us or just with dp and dc. I wouldn't be offended at all if it was the latter and in the beginning, I was happy for them to take a little time to decide, but now we're into December and needing to order food/drink territory, I kind of need to know!

I actually think it's getting quite rude now. I have made it clear we won't be offended if they decide to stay at home, but I asked again last night and I got "oh, we still don't know yet" and I did for the first time say "okay, but we really do need to know soon for the shopping and bedding etc" and she said "oh don't worry, if we do come we'll just slot in" 🙄The bizarre thing is, she's a really good host herself and knows how it works. Knows that realistically, people don't just "slot in".

Is this getting rude or should I really just chill out?

Assume they are coming and have a little too much of everything if they don't?

I'd go with the flow. Its a family xmas dinner not a formal wedding reception

I have a cousin to whom I am extremely close and in this situation, I would say "Look, knobhead, I can't just slot you all in last minute, I need to know how much food to order and like shite am I going to buy a new duvet and bedding just on the off-chance you grace us with your presence, so you need to let me know by tomorrow or the whole deal's off!" Would something like that work?

So rude, you can't just slot 3 people in for Christmas day dinner like that. I would definitely give her a deadline and soon

Only 3 of them? Of course you can slot them in, buy extra spuds and cream just in case, because you can never have too much. And they can bring their own bedding.

But I would be "Babes just give us the percentage likelihood of you coming because I have hospitality control issues. "

It might be that she's getting inlaw pressure or toying with a flight to Lanzarote. Chill. Your day won't be ruined either way.

Id make her mind up for her,
Tell her that you assume she wont be coming so youll see her after christmas.
And if she does turn up,,dont bend over backwards to accomodate her,,,

eg..she sleeps on the sofa as all beds are taken..

cheeky mare

@NellieEllie

I think I’d do a “Oh, I know I’m a pain but I’m far too much of an organising freak to cope with last minute ‘“slotting in” - Can you let me know by……. I’ll hang on til then with the shopping but I daren’t leave it any later. So if I don’t hear, I’ll assume you’ll stay at home. We’d love to see you but quite understand if you don’t come..”

Nope. There is nothing 'freakish' about needing to know who is coming for Christmas!

"Hi, would love to see you at Christmas but absolutely fine too if you want to stay home. If you are coming, please can you let me know by tomorrow lunchtime? Thanks! xx"

"Oy, Very Close Cousin. Stop being a rude twat and give me a definite answer today so I can plan the food and get things sorted, 'slotting in' isn't going to happen. Lotsa love, MPB xx

Definitely not unreasonable. I had this with a family member. Total narcissist unfortunately and was clearly keeping her options open.....right up until Christmas eve. I never invited them again.

I’d go the other way

‘Couldn’t remember if you’re coming or not and I think I’ve promised your bed/chairs to DH’s cousins- eep! You had other plans though didn’t you tho’

Just rescind the invite

I agree with PPs you need to give a deadline.

You can do it in a kind way like - just to let you know I’m doing an online shop on Friday so let me know if you decide to come by then so I can make sure I don’t order more than needed.

Those telling OP to "just buy a bit extra" in case her cousin decides to make an appearance, why should she have to though? It's thoughtless and rude to neither accept or decline an invitation but expect to be catered for (along with your family) just in case you do feel like showing up at the last minute. Enough extra food to feed another family of three is actually a fairly substantial amount of food, especially if they could be there over a couple of days. Even if OP isn't worried about the cost, what about the waste if they don't turn up? Quite enough food is wasted over the Christmas period in most households as it is!

“ Hi Cousin, actually I need to know numbers by Weds otherwise it won’t work - there’s so much to organise when you’re hosting as you know”

@neverbeenskiing

Those telling OP to "just buy a bit extra" in case her cousin decides to make an appearance, why should she have to though? It's thoughtless and rude to neither accept or decline an invitation but expect to be catered for (along with your family) just in case you do feel like showing up at the last minute. Enough extra food to feed another family of three is actually a fairly substantial amount of food, especially if they could be there over a couple of days. Even if OP isn't worried about the cost, what about the waste if they don't turn up? Quite enough food is wasted over the Christmas period in most households as it is!

They only need a few more roast spuds and a loaf for the freezer though? Extra packet of crackers. Indecisive cousin can bring some extra bits. Most people, as you say overcater anyway, and if host family you know eat food all year round, it doesn't need to be wasteful.

It's rude (ish), but it is the kind of rude that only happens in families where people love each other and can put up with it.

Yes it is a bit rude not to know for sure by now. As for slotting in, it depends how many you've invited. I mean if you've a house full of about 30, then 3 would likely just slot in. But if you've only got anothe 4 then absolutely can't just slot in!

I'd probably go with something like, 'I'm thinking of ordering these gorgeous individual starters I've seen, need to order them this week though so I really need to know if you are coming so I order enough. And they are pretty expensive so at same time don't want to order one for you all if you are not going to come.