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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think OH shouldn't go on 'holiday' without us

101 replies

surreymum89 · 05/12/2021 12:15

It's not really a holiday for him it's a religious trip that his mum wants to take and they would be gone 2/3 weeks.

We have 3 kids - teen, toddler and baby.

Some background-OH is from a different culture where there seems to be a big emphasis on alway pleasing and serving parents , his mum has been on this same trip a couple of times already and he has gone with her before when we only had eldest and were living with my parent.

He didn't even speak to me about it , just mentioned it when having another conversation "oh well I can't do such and such (with another family member) because my mum wants me to go on this trip with her"

I have to admit I did not keep my cool about it , Aibu to think they he is being unreasonable?

Not only to leave me with the kids for that length of time but also use up that much of his annual leave to do so.

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman · 05/12/2021 12:23

I’m all in favour of people being able to take trips without their partners, but I agree that up to three weeks is too long, purely because it would restrict things for the rest of the family.

It might be different if this was the trip his mother had dreamed of all her life and it was getting to a ‘now or never’ point. But they’ve already made the trip once - why does she need to do it again?

MancMum2000 · 05/12/2021 12:23

YANBU I would not be happy about that unless I was also allowed three weeks to go off on holiday by myself!

PotteringAlong · 05/12/2021 12:25

Is it a once in a lifetime obligation like Hajj, or something that doesn’t need to be done / could be done at any point?

PotteringAlong · 05/12/2021 12:26

Ignore me, I’ve just seen he’s done it before! YANBU

Merryoldgoat · 05/12/2021 12:28

Going away separately occasionally? Fine.

Three weeks leaving you with 3 children? No.

Not a fucking chance.

timeisnotaline · 05/12/2021 12:29

YANBU. Can you book two weeks holiday with the dc wihtout him, or too hard? They shouldn’t miss out on holidays because their dad doesn’t prioritise them.

daisypond · 05/12/2021 12:30

YANBU

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 05/12/2021 12:31

Can he take the 2 younger DC with him?

Surely if he thinks religion is so important, it's something he wants to introduce his DC to?

simpledeer · 05/12/2021 12:31

Depends really.

Can you afford it as a family or will this mean family holidays will be curtailed.

Do you also get the opportunity to go off and have holidays on your own?

If not, he is being selfish.

Returnoftheowl · 05/12/2021 12:31

@Merryoldgoat

Going away separately occasionally? Fine.

Three weeks leaving you with 3 children? No.

Not a fucking chance.

I agree with this!

Three weeks is too long. He doesn't get to decide that unilaterally for you all.

I'm assuming he's not offering for you to go away for 3 weeks without the kids? He's just assumed he can give you with all the work while he swans off, uses all his annual leave so you won't even be able to do anything else as a family, just to please his mum.

GoodnightGrandma · 05/12/2021 12:32

No way, you should have had a discussion about it first.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/12/2021 12:34

He probably should have discussed it with you first, but presumably you knew about his cultural expectations when you married him. Did you ever have a discussion about what ones of these expectations he was comfortable foregoing and you were comfortable with him doing? If he has only taken her once before 10+ years ago then not unrealistic he takes her again.

PinkiOcelot · 05/12/2021 12:38

Great bug No from me. Rather selfish of his mother expecting this. He should just be saying no, not possible. Do you get to go on holiday if he used all of his AL for that?

FrownedUpon · 05/12/2021 12:39

No way would I be happy with that. It’s incredibly selfish. You & your children should be the priority-not his mum. You need to be assertive and say no.

BendingSpoons · 05/12/2021 12:42

DH went away with his dad for 5 days for something his dad really wanted to do. His mum came to stay for a couple of days to cover the days DH normally does childcare. I wasn't over the moon (back story of FIL expecting us to fall into line) but DH discussed it and it wasn't too long. I would not be happy about 3 weeks and with no discussion.

JudgeJ · 05/12/2021 12:58

@sweeneytoddsrazor

He probably should have discussed it with you first, but presumably you knew about his cultural expectations when you married him. Did you ever have a discussion about what ones of these expectations he was comfortable foregoing and you were comfortable with him doing? If he has only taken her once before 10+ years ago then not unrealistic he takes her again.
Maybe it's about time that all cultures were respected and the OP can say No, in my culture a man doesn't leave his family for weeks on end to appease his mother.
Elieza · 05/12/2021 12:59

You have a DH problem.

Is this one if the annual pilgrimages the MIL’s religion expects her to take?

She may be feeling obliged as she’s missed it the last couple of years due to covid so she’s taking an extra long trip this year.

If she doesn’t work because she’s a woman and the tradition is that women stay at home, then she may not realise the problems she is causing you. She may even be not best pleased he married outwith his religion and doesn’t care what you think!

Either way he had to grow a pair and tell her he can’t go and that he has to keep his leave for other reasons. She can have a week but that’s it.

If I were her I wouldn’t even be going this year tbh. It’s like people think covid is over as they’ve been double vaxd. It’s not, as we are finding out now. I’d suggest DH discuss the possibility of going in 2023 instead. For one week.

Oh, and if he has siblings they could even fly out singly and meet DH and his mum abroad and take over from FH after the first week. Each stays with her a week. That way the chore is shouldered by all?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/12/2021 13:00

@surreymum89

It's not really a holiday for him it's a religious trip that his mum wants to take and they would be gone 2/3 weeks.

We have 3 kids - teen, toddler and baby.

Some background-OH is from a different culture where there seems to be a big emphasis on alway pleasing and serving parents , his mum has been on this same trip a couple of times already and he has gone with her before when we only had eldest and were living with my parent.

He didn't even speak to me about it , just mentioned it when having another conversation "oh well I can't do such and such (with another family member) because my mum wants me to go on this trip with her"

I have to admit I did not keep my cool about it , Aibu to think they he is being unreasonable?

Not only to leave me with the kids for that length of time but also use up that much of his annual leave to do so.

"He didn't even speak to me about it , just mentioned it when having another conversation "oh well I can't do such and such (with another family member) because my mum wants me to go on this trip with her" "

That's the sticking point for me - that he didn't discuss this with you first. The trip in itself, using up so much of his annual leave is still wrong, but setting it all up behind your back is more wrong.

He has accompanied her on this trip before. It is therefore not a 'once in a lifetime' trip. Has she other children? If so, she should be asking them.

And it's all very well to play the culture card, but his life spans two cultures, his mums's and his wife's. It's time for him to grow the fuck up and be a husband and father and not just a son.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 05/12/2021 13:03

No, YADNBU!

3 weeks of annual leave and leaving 3 kids to you!

Assume you are not afforded the same option to just fuck off for 3 weeks at will?

toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2021 13:05

Why do some cultures/religions take precedence over others?

threebillboards · 05/12/2021 13:07

No. not reasonable at all. People make such a big deal of culture and what it entitles them to do, but it is often just an excuse for unacceptable behaviour, and this is one of them.

Don't accept his 'my culture/my parents' crap, he married you and you have an equal right for your cultural norms to be respected, and going off on an expensive long holiday without you, is not one of them.

girlmom21 · 05/12/2021 13:11

If my OH still went I'd tell him not to bother coming back.

Presumably it's some kind of pilgrimage so not exactly a holiday you'd take the kids on?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/12/2021 13:16

Of course both cultures should be respected. Thats why I said they should have had a discussion about what would be acceptable to both of them. It shouldn't be just a case of his and hers.

picklemewalnuts · 05/12/2021 13:20

I'd be asking him what he had in place for when you go away for three weeks without him and the children.

biwinoone · 05/12/2021 13:25

Is he going for Umra or Hajj? If he is then Hajj is in July and his mother legally can't go without a male family member to escort her. You might disagree with it, but yes, for muslims mothers have more right's than a wife. You can go to it too but seems like you don't want to. That doesn't mean you can stop him from going. If he hasn't been before and he is an able body man who is financially stable then he has an obligation to go there once in a life time. If it is hajj that then you have plenty of notice to sort something to do with the children.