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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think OH shouldn't go on 'holiday' without us

101 replies

surreymum89 · 05/12/2021 12:15

It's not really a holiday for him it's a religious trip that his mum wants to take and they would be gone 2/3 weeks.

We have 3 kids - teen, toddler and baby.

Some background-OH is from a different culture where there seems to be a big emphasis on alway pleasing and serving parents , his mum has been on this same trip a couple of times already and he has gone with her before when we only had eldest and were living with my parent.

He didn't even speak to me about it , just mentioned it when having another conversation "oh well I can't do such and such (with another family member) because my mum wants me to go on this trip with her"

I have to admit I did not keep my cool about it , Aibu to think they he is being unreasonable?

Not only to leave me with the kids for that length of time but also use up that much of his annual leave to do so.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 05/12/2021 13:27

@toomuchlaundry

Why do some cultures/religions take precedence over others?
What does this even mean!?
MatildaIThink · 05/12/2021 13:28

Three weeks seems entirely unreasonable, he needs to either make it a shorter trip (3-5 days) or just not go.

Libertaire · 05/12/2021 13:29

Is he a Muslim going on pilgrimage? If so, this is something you should have understood & factored in before you married him.

tttigress · 05/12/2021 13:30

@biwinoone

Is he going for Umra or Hajj? If he is then Hajj is in July and his mother legally can't go without a male family member to escort her. You might disagree with it, but yes, for muslims mothers have more right's than a wife. You can go to it too but seems like you don't want to. That doesn't mean you can stop him from going. If he hasn't been before and he is an able body man who is financially stable then he has an obligation to go there once in a life time. If it is hajj that then you have plenty of notice to sort something to do with the children.
You seem very keen to make excuses for blatant sexual discrimination.
WonderfulYou · 05/12/2021 13:31

3 weeks is a long time!
However you knew his religion before having children with him and knew it was a possibility. Some do a trip regularly.

For me personally, although I’m not religious I know how important these trips are so I’d let him go, especially as it’s very rare.
I definitely think you should have a few nights away with your friends or mum soon too.

MatildaIThink · 05/12/2021 13:31

@Libertaire

Is he a Muslim going on pilgrimage? If so, this is something you should have understood & factored in before you married him.
The Hajj only needs to be done once, the OP has already said her husband has been multiple times on this pilgrimage before, so there is no need for him to go again if that is what it is.
Wonkydonkey44 · 05/12/2021 13:33

I wouldn't be happy , three weeks is to long.
Also covid to factor in as well - quarantine? Covid , pcr etc.
it's a no from me .

girlmom21 · 05/12/2021 13:43

@biwinoone

Is he going for Umra or Hajj? If he is then Hajj is in July and his mother legally can't go without a male family member to escort her. You might disagree with it, but yes, for muslims mothers have more right's than a wife. You can go to it too but seems like you don't want to. That doesn't mean you can stop him from going. If he hasn't been before and he is an able body man who is financially stable then he has an obligation to go there once in a life time. If it is hajj that then you have plenty of notice to sort something to do with the children.
If it is Hajj then he has plenty of time to sort something for the children.

If he has a responsibility to go once in his lifetime he can wait until his children are older.

Limer · 05/12/2021 13:48

You're right, OP, he shouldn't go on holiday without you.

And if he does, you should do the same. Swan off on your own for 3 weeks.

Original poster
surreymum89 · 05/12/2021 13:49

Yes it is hajj, his mum has been several times before and once with my OH taking her .

She is very religious , OH does not practice his religion at all- no praying , drinks alcohol and does not pray/fast during Ramadan.

She is married but her husband lives in another country and comes and goes as he pleases- she also has several brothers with older children - so other options are there if she really wants to make this trip again.

He did make some comment about taking the toddler with him but to be honest that doesn't help and I don't want her away for that long.

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 05/12/2021 13:51

@biwinoone

Is he going for Umra or Hajj? If he is then Hajj is in July and his mother legally can't go without a male family member to escort her. You might disagree with it, but yes, for muslims mothers have more right's than a wife. You can go to it too but seems like you don't want to. That doesn't mean you can stop him from going. If he hasn't been before and he is an able body man who is financially stable then he has an obligation to go there once in a life time. If it is hajj that then you have plenty of notice to sort something to do with the children.
They've both been before - it says so in the OP. Also if you want to be all prescriptive about it Muslim men can also have multiple wives
Ozanj · 05/12/2021 13:52

@surreymum89

Yes it is hajj, his mum has been several times before and once with my OH taking her .

She is very religious , OH does not practice his religion at all- no praying , drinks alcohol and does not pray/fast during Ramadan.

She is married but her husband lives in another country and comes and goes as he pleases- she also has several brothers with older children - so other options are there if she really wants to make this trip again.

He did make some comment about taking the toddler with him but to be honest that doesn't help and I don't want her away for that long.

The elderly do need to be accompanied during Hajj as it can be really strenous & Saudi still doesn’t really have the infrastructure to cope with unaccompanied disabled / minors. It is not appropriate for toddlers to be there at all
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 05/12/2021 13:55

Tell him to get a one way ticket.
He is the ultimate cf...

bergam · 05/12/2021 13:56

Is he an only child? Can someone else accompany her?

TractorAndHeadphones · 05/12/2021 13:57

@surreymum89

Yes it is hajj, his mum has been several times before and once with my OH taking her .

She is very religious , OH does not practice his religion at all- no praying , drinks alcohol and does not pray/fast during Ramadan.

She is married but her husband lives in another country and comes and goes as he pleases- she also has several brothers with older children - so other options are there if she really wants to make this trip again.

He did make some comment about taking the toddler with him but to be honest that doesn't help and I don't want her away for that long.

'Culture' has long been used as a get out of jail free card for a lot of things. Sexism. Social discrimination. Bride burning (look it up). I'm from a Muslim country (but not Muslim). My parents have no sons plenty of people looked down at my family and expressed shock that my parents paid lots to send me to university.

If your husband is from this sort of cultural background there is no room for understanding. You have to put your foot down and say no this is not acceptable. If he wants a 'good girl' from his culture he's welcome to piss off and find one.

Helenluvsrob · 05/12/2021 14:08

If it’s the hajj it probably won’t happen for non Saudis again in 2022 anyway

CharlotteRose90 · 05/12/2021 14:15

I’d be all for him to go as his mother does need escorting. Trips like that are special. Can you ask that he goes for 2 weeks or 10 days and you find someone to help look after the kids. You can’t force him not to go but 3 weeks is too long.

LostForIdeas · 05/12/2021 14:16

YANBU.

1- 3 weeks is a long time and means he will have used most of his hols for the year. That will have a big impact on all of you as a family, both when he will be away AND re spending time together as a family

2- he just assumed this would happen. He didn’t ask. This would infuriate me.

I’d remind him that his mum might be able to do as she pleases seeing that her ‘husband’ is living in a different country. But that’s not his case and he needs to take his family into account too.
She should be asking someone who actually cares about said religious trip too.

LostForIdeas · 05/12/2021 14:18

@CharlotteRose90

I’d be all for him to go as his mother does need escorting. Trips like that are special. Can you ask that he goes for 2 weeks or 10 days and you find someone to help look after the kids. You can’t force him not to go but 3 weeks is too long.
Why not HIM finding someone to look afetr the dcs seeing that he is the one going?? Why should it the OP who has the inconvenience to find someone to help when she already has the inconvenience to see him to go away on his own, wo even a thought on How it’s going to affect her??
InTheLabyrinth · 05/12/2021 14:31

The way he has gone about it isnt on. Making it a done deal before discussing the possibility with you is totally unreasonable.
BUT, I have taken the kids away, and left DH working - for upto a month at a time. DH has taken one child away to his home country, leaving me and other child at school/work. DH is about to go away for a month, over Christmas, on his own. It sort of comes with living in a different part of the world to your family - although this latest trip is only being done this way due to Covid restrictions.
Where it is arranged as a collaborative agreement, with everyones views affecting the final decision, it can work. Where it is arranged in secret and announced as a finalised plan, it us unreasonable.

Elieza · 05/12/2021 14:35

The toddler would be better off staying home until of an age they can fully appreciate the religious pilgrimage.

Is there nothing in the religious teachings of the culture about husbands having to look after wives? Shouldn’t he be the one looking after her? A son could take her to where her husband is and then he can take over ensuring that she gets to go to the places she needs to? And another son could go bring her back if she needs to be accompanied.

EverdeRose · 05/12/2021 14:35

It would be a no from me, he's obliged to go once, he's been.

If he wants to go again he needs wait until his children are older.
MIL will have to find someone else to take her.

MurielSpriggs · 05/12/2021 14:40

@timeisnotaline

YANBU. Can you book two weeks holiday with the dc wihtout him, or too hard? They shouldn’t miss out on holidays because their dad doesn’t prioritise them.
Bollocks to that, you should be booking two weeks of actual holiday without him or the kids and leaving him in charge.
KateInHappyland · 05/12/2021 15:00

I do see your point, but it's only 3 weeks.
I remember as a kid my dad went to Australia for about 3 weeks to spend time with his son from a previous marriage who lives over there. My mum and I didn't go, no problem at all.

Although I can imagine it's harder with 3 to look after! Do you have any childcare etc. in place? Family who would help?

I think if it's that much of an issue, you're both going to need to compromise. For example, he goes but not for quite so long? Would one week be enough?

toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2021 15:17

But why does his religion (which he doesn’t even believe in) take priority? Why should he have to chaperone his mother, why support a culture that demeans women, doesn’t let them travel on their own?