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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think OH shouldn't go on 'holiday' without us

101 replies

surreymum89 · 05/12/2021 12:15

It's not really a holiday for him it's a religious trip that his mum wants to take and they would be gone 2/3 weeks.

We have 3 kids - teen, toddler and baby.

Some background-OH is from a different culture where there seems to be a big emphasis on alway pleasing and serving parents , his mum has been on this same trip a couple of times already and he has gone with her before when we only had eldest and were living with my parent.

He didn't even speak to me about it , just mentioned it when having another conversation "oh well I can't do such and such (with another family member) because my mum wants me to go on this trip with her"

I have to admit I did not keep my cool about it , Aibu to think they he is being unreasonable?

Not only to leave me with the kids for that length of time but also use up that much of his annual leave to do so.

OP posts:
biwinoone · 06/12/2021 00:49

I still stand by what I said. I understand that as a husband he has a responsibility to his wife and children but being married does not mean that he should cut ties with his family or not do anything for his parents. If my husband's parents as him to go help them with something then I let him go even if it is for weeks and I too have a child. And yes, it has happened. I don't begrudge him for doing something for his family. I even have send him to help when when they themselves said that it would be ok but then turns out that they did need him but didn't want to burden him. Let's be honest, she will be his mother no matter what. You can ask him to sort something out for you guys as well..or you can plan something yourself too.

depremesnil · 06/12/2021 08:23

@biwinoone

I still stand by what I said. I understand that as a husband he has a responsibility to his wife and children but being married does not mean that he should cut ties with his family or not do anything for his parents. If my husband's parents as him to go help them with something then I let him go even if it is for weeks and I too have a child. And yes, it has happened. I don't begrudge him for doing something for his family. I even have send him to help when when they themselves said that it would be ok but then turns out that they did need him but didn't want to burden him. Let's be honest, she will be his mother no matter what. You can ask him to sort something out for you guys as well..or you can plan something yourself too.
No one is saying he should cut ties with his family, just that he shouldn't fuck off for three weeks without discussion on hos mother's say so.
Meraas · 06/12/2021 08:58

Is it Umrah? That can be done in a week, especially as they’ve done it before.

His mum is being unreasonable. Doing the Umrah / Hajj doesn’t mean you get a free pass to make others miserable.

I could understand if it was her first time but sounds like she’s done both before, therefore making a woman and children spend 3 weeks without their husband and father is not in the spirit of Islam.

What does your husband get out of these trips? As he drinks/doesn’t pray or fast, he won’t get much spiritual benefit out of Umrah, so is he going for 3 weeks of chilling in the sun in a 5* hotel in a hot country, occasionally doing the pilgrimage bits?

Negligee · 06/12/2021 09:10

I'd be more concerned about the fact that (a) he doesn't even think this needs to be discussed, that it only came up casually when talking about something else, (b) that he doesn't regard it as somehing HE needs to sort out childcare for and (c) that, having already done Hajj once, he would even consider taking a toddler --- Hajj is absolutely no place for a small child! Even if his mother hadn't already done it more than once, and even if he were a devout practising Muslim, it's still a big absence with three small children!

jimmyjammy001 · 06/12/2021 10:05

He has done this before, so presumably will keep on doing it for how ever long if its part of his religion, what was the agreement about him still going away on these trips when you both decided to have children?

voldr · 06/12/2021 11:00

@Changechangychange

Can he take the toddler and baby with him? You staying home with just the teenager seems a lot more of a reasonable ask.

If not, he can’t go can he? He has young children, he’ll have to wait until he’s older like a woman in his culture would have to.

If it's to Saudi, no way would I allow someone to take my children there.
Chely · 06/12/2021 11:09

YANBU to be annoyed with him. He should have asked if you were happy with it before committing to it.

Leaving mum alone with kids not a big deal to me, my husband works away days to months at a time but it is not optional in his career. I don't mind him going a few days for non-work stuff but weeks would be a firm NO.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/12/2021 11:28

Going away separately occasionally? Fine.

Three weeks leaving you with 3 children? No.

Not a fucking chance.

Absolutely this. Plus the use of annual leave. He has to realise that whatever obligations he thinks he has to his mum don’t come before his wife and children.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/12/2021 11:29

And I agree to absolutely not taking the kids with him if it’s to Saudi or anywhere in the ME

Rumplestrumpet · 06/12/2021 11:39

@Meraas has it spot on : Doing the Umrah / Hajj doesn’t mean you get a free pass to make others miserable

My husband is from a similar background to yours and I am not. He is close to his mum and I can imagine her wanting to do something like this - but there's no way my husband would announce it like that - in fact he would never consider it while our kids were small. Once they're older it might be something he would agree to but only after discussing it at length with me and agreeing it together. And that's as someone who is practising and for whom it would be a great spiritual experience.

But as Meeras says, abandoning your family for a jolly (which it essentially would be for him) is not in the spirit of Hajj - you can't negate your responsibilities for this. He has a responsibility to his mum to be there for her, support her when she needs it, help her when she's sick etc. But his responsibility to you and the kids comes first here.

Would you ever consider announcing you're disappearing for 3 weeks? No. Then neither should he.

Feel confident putting your foot down

InTheLabyrinth · 06/12/2021 12:02

Don't take a toddler to KSA for Hajj in July. It will get absolutely hellish hot, and be miserable for a child. It's hellish hot and miserable for an adult who has chosen to go and spend their days in 40C plus temperatures. For young children it is horrible.

Redjumper1 · 06/12/2021 12:36

You have a DH/MIL problem and I don't think culture has much to do with it. "Culture" seems to be bandied about a lot by people who want to get their way.

If you say Culture then the other person feels unreasonable. The problem here is not the trip. The problem is that your DH and his Mother have a relationship where they make agreements that suit them both without even considering you or your point of view. The problem is that their relationship is the most important thing and you and the children come second. It should be the other way around once you marry irrespective of culture. Making agreements/taking three weeks away from family/expending family money without even discussing with you but discussing and agreeing with his Mother means he sees her opinion as first. That in my opinion is the real issue.

Booklover3 · 06/12/2021 12:40

That’s a no from me. Particularly because none of this has been discussed with you and you will be left to sort everything at home. Cheeky

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 06/12/2021 16:03

Given DH and MIL have gone before and your kids are so young I’d just say no until they are much older. Even then I’d expect them to be away for minium time possible so you also have family holiday. The not discussing it first has made me cross on your behalf.

Original poster
surreymum89 · 06/12/2021 16:24

Thanks for all the responses

Children definitely won't be going , teenager would refuse, she doesn't have any religious beliefs.
He normally is very considerate , even with the small things so his approach has thrown me , I don't know if he knew my reaction and was trying to brazen it out by just not even discussing it or he thought I may not react to it as much if it was dropped it a conversation randomly and then in the future he could say I did mention it back in December Confused

Either way , how would you deal with it from here? Have a discussion ASAP or wait to see if it's ever bought up again ?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 06/12/2021 16:34

@surreymum89 have the discussion because if you don't he'll tell you he told you about it and so he went ahead and booked.

RealBecca · 06/12/2021 16:38

Yanbu at all.

But.

You knew what you were marrying into and arent sirprosed he consistently mlputs mummy first.

So honestly unless you actaully have a specific change in mind amd are prepared to see it through, even if it means splitting up, then id advise taking it on the chin.

Personally i wouldn't have married a mummus boy and if i was in your shoes id have a clear convo with him that the marriage isn't working, you expect XYZ and you want him to go aeay amd think about it and you'll discuss it all again in 2 weeks and put all your cards on the table.

But if you wont leave him then you dont really have an ace to play and would be better trying to be happy with where you are in the pecking order and make the best of it rather than having the same circular fights.

LostForIdeas · 06/12/2021 18:36

Yep I’d have a chat now.

I’d have a chat about not taking that sort if decision, that affects the whole family on his own and presenting ut as a ‘fait accompli’, basically giving you no voice in the process. It’s nit just about this instance, it s about all the potential instances that may present in the future.

And I’d also have a chat about the trip itself and whether he really needs to go. Maybe you can get to a compromise (eg shorter trip), maybe someone else can go etc…. But I’d want to ‘get in there’ before MIL starts her campaign to convince her ds to come with her. You both ant to know what is or isn’t ok for you as a family

LostForIdeas · 06/12/2021 18:38

@RealBecca by the same token, he knew who he got married with, a woman who wouldn’t be happy to see him go away for so long just because mummy asked.

If he couldn’t deal with that and take it in the chin, why did he say YES in the first place??

lljkk · 06/12/2021 20:31

3 weeks is an especially long Hajj trip. I thought most the packages (everyone who goes on Hajj has to book a package) were 10-14 days. 7 day package is possible. Why 3 weeks?!

At £6.5k/head, Who is paying for it?

Only acceptable if A) they do the 11 day version B) you get an 11 day jolly too.

PickledCherry · 06/12/2021 21:16

Definitely discuss it. Come to a compromise. He can book the shortest package- it’s normally 10 days and then you can go on a holiday/spa break for the same amount of time at some point whenever you feel like it. You said he’s considerate normally so this seems out of character.
If his mums religious and she has other people she can take, maybe she wants your dh to go because he ISNT religious. Performing Hajj is fulfilling a requirement but also it cleanses you of all sins and is a fresh start

Pollypocket2021 · 01/01/2022 12:21

@toomuchlaundry

But why does his religion (which he doesn’t even believe in) take priority? Why should he have to chaperone his mother, why support a culture that demeans women, doesn’t let them travel on their own?
If she doesn’t like his religion, she’s free to divorce him. And as you said, it’s CULTURE which demeans women, not the religion. That’s why Muslim men should marry Muslim women, because the non-Muslim women usually find it hard to accept his religion and culture, and the children are usually not raised upon religion.
psydrive · 01/01/2022 15:58

She can be fine with his religion, but not want him to fuck off and leave her to look after three kids for weeks without discussing it with her.

Pollypocket2021 · 02/01/2022 07:26

@psydrive

She can be fine with his religion, but not want him to fuck off and leave her to look after three kids for weeks without discussing it with her.
Unfortunately the mother is the real wife here and the OP is just a placeholder who does all the things his DM can’t do. Her DH and his DM make all of the decisions together without giving a thought to OP.
HNY2022 · 02/01/2022 08:11

@Pollypocket2021

Your post makes no sense. You recognise it’s culture not religion…and then go on to conflate the two and say Muslim men should marry Muslim women, thereby assuming all Muslim men are of the same culture, a culture which dominates women, and all Muslim women are happy to be dominated. What bloody nonsense!