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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think OH shouldn't go on 'holiday' without us

101 replies

surreymum89 · 05/12/2021 12:15

It's not really a holiday for him it's a religious trip that his mum wants to take and they would be gone 2/3 weeks.

We have 3 kids - teen, toddler and baby.

Some background-OH is from a different culture where there seems to be a big emphasis on alway pleasing and serving parents , his mum has been on this same trip a couple of times already and he has gone with her before when we only had eldest and were living with my parent.

He didn't even speak to me about it , just mentioned it when having another conversation "oh well I can't do such and such (with another family member) because my mum wants me to go on this trip with her"

I have to admit I did not keep my cool about it , Aibu to think they he is being unreasonable?

Not only to leave me with the kids for that length of time but also use up that much of his annual leave to do so.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/12/2021 15:27

DH did hajj when I was on mat leave because we agreed that timing worked (I am not Muslim). I was able to visit my parents who were retired whilst he was away.

We agreed he wouldn’t go again until the children were older when they could go together. We also agreed that he wouldn’t take them when they were young because there are too many people for it to be safe. There have been serious crowd safety problems at hajj - it’s no place for young children

He is being unreasonable - DH is religious but he also accepts that he can’t just head off because he wants.

Saudi Arabia has dropped the guardianship rule for hajj so if he mother goes in a group she doesn’t need a male chaperone.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/12/2021 15:29

theislamicinformation.com/news/women-perform-hajj-without-a-mahram/

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/12/2021 15:33

@toomuchlaundry

But why does his religion (which he doesn’t even believe in) take priority? Why should he have to chaperone his mother, why support a culture that demeans women, doesn’t let them travel on their own?
Because it's important to his mother?

DP isn't religious at all, but if his GM wanted to go to Lourdes, for example, he'd go with her because it's important to her and she'd need somebody to keep her safe. I wouldn't begrudge it, either, even though it holds absolutely no relevance for me.

gogohm · 05/12/2021 15:40

It's does depend, if she's now getting on in years she may be thinking it's year or never, it's pretty strenuous and accommodation is often quite rough. A compromise is keeping to 2 weeks and saying it's the last time.

My dp is currently out sorting his mother out, I do think we owe them to point once they need help.

Inertia · 05/12/2021 15:42

YANBU.

His mother has plenty of options for chaperones- her own husband for a start.

MrsColon · 05/12/2021 16:27

Will it be safe to do Hajj next July? Covid isn't going away...

That aside, YANBU at all, he's taken her before, and she's been multiple times before, so there's no obligation. Can your H not suggest she donates the money to Al Noor or Children of Adam who sponsor Muslims who cannot afford to pay to do Hajj?

He needs to put his wife and DC first on this.

Palavah · 05/12/2021 17:07

@biwinoone

Is he going for Umra or Hajj? If he is then Hajj is in July and his mother legally can't go without a male family member to escort her. You might disagree with it, but yes, for muslims mothers have more right's than a wife. You can go to it too but seems like you don't want to. That doesn't mean you can stop him from going. If he hasn't been before and he is an able body man who is financially stable then he has an obligation to go there once in a life time. If it is hajj that then you have plenty of notice to sort something to do with the children.
Hes already been once, and so has his mum.
depremesnil · 05/12/2021 17:34

So no discussion, he just told you he's going?

If I were you I'd tell him not to bother coming back.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/12/2021 17:42

@biwinoone

Is he going for Umra or Hajj? If he is then Hajj is in July and his mother legally can't go without a male family member to escort her. You might disagree with it, but yes, for muslims mothers have more right's than a wife. You can go to it too but seems like you don't want to. That doesn't mean you can stop him from going. If he hasn't been before and he is an able body man who is financially stable then he has an obligation to go there once in a life time. If it is hajj that then you have plenty of notice to sort something to do with the children.
The male family member escorting rule has been dropped if she goes in a group. Many people choose to go in groups anyway so everything is organised. DH did even though he is North African and so a mother tongue Arabic speaker.
AnyFucker · 05/12/2021 17:46

Tbf, you knew the culture you were marrying into, yes ?

Georgy12 · 05/12/2021 17:49

Not a chance and tbh the fact he not only thinks this is acceptable but so much so he mentioned it as an afterthought tells you everything you need to know about him I'm afraid.

TyrannosaurusRights · 05/12/2021 18:02

@AnyFucker

Tbf, you knew the culture you were marrying into, yes ?
Presumably he was also aware of the culture he was marrying into.
LostForIdeas · 05/12/2021 18:04

@AnyFucker

Tbf, you knew the culture you were marrying into, yes ?
Just like he knew very well the culture he was marrying into, especially having grown into that culture!

Why should the OP make all the allowances and he doesn’t??

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/12/2021 18:05

This is not really a culture issue as there is no requirement to go on hajj more than once and plenty of Muslims will only make a single trip in their lifetime (a significant number never go). This is a specific issue with him and his family.

LostForIdeas · 05/12/2021 18:05

Plus I’d say it has nothing to do with the fact he is basically refusing to give the OP a choice in the matter. He decided that was it.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/12/2021 18:19

@biwinoone

Is he going for Umra or Hajj? If he is then Hajj is in July and his mother legally can't go without a male family member to escort her. You might disagree with it, but yes, for muslims mothers have more right's than a wife. You can go to it too but seems like you don't want to. That doesn't mean you can stop him from going. If he hasn't been before and he is an able body man who is financially stable then he has an obligation to go there once in a life time. If it is hajj that then you have plenty of notice to sort something to do with the children.
No, he has plenty of notice to sort the children. If he is going to leave his wife for 3 weeks with 3 DC, then he needs to first of all to ask her if it is OK, and then investigate what help is available in terms of nanny/mother's help, organise it and pay for it . He then also needs to make arrangements for the time off work he would have had with his family. Is he wealthy enough to take unpaid leave? It sounds like all this is going to be costly. I can't imagine many people with young families could affford to do all this. Actually what he is saying is that his/his mother's religion is more important than than his wife and family.
VladmirsPoutine · 05/12/2021 18:21

I'm on the fence with this tbh.

RobertaFirmino · 05/12/2021 18:52

2-3 weeks though? Hajj doesn't even last for a week! Assuming travel is even permitted, next years pilgrimage is from the 7th to the 12th July. Does this seem a little suspect to you?

Changechangychange · 05/12/2021 18:56

Can he take the toddler and baby with him? You staying home with just the teenager seems a lot more of a reasonable ask.

If not, he can’t go can he? He has young children, he’ll have to wait until he’s older like a woman in his culture would have to.

Hanab · 05/12/2021 19:27

When you marry into a culture or different culture there is ALWAYS going to be disagreements. I am assuming he is going on pilgrimage? Which you need a minimum of 2-3wks to complete. Did you guys not discuss all this before embarking on your journey as a couple? Compromises from both sides .. what you are willing to do and accept and vice versa? It os not a clear cut black and white situation. Cross cultural relationships are one of the hardest tests a relationship can go through esp if you are completely different.

toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2021 19:40

Surely the compromise is that he has already been once

JudgeJ · 05/12/2021 19:45

@toomuchlaundry

Why do some cultures/religions take precedence over others?
When I asked that a while ago I was put on the naughty step!
JudgeJ · 05/12/2021 19:46

@Hanab

When you marry into a culture or different culture there is ALWAYS going to be disagreements. I am assuming he is going on pilgrimage? Which you need a minimum of 2-3wks to complete. Did you guys not discuss all this before embarking on your journey as a couple? Compromises from both sides .. what you are willing to do and accept and vice versa? It os not a clear cut black and white situation. Cross cultural relationships are one of the hardest tests a relationship can go through esp if you are completely different.
But the compromises all seem to be in one direction.
JudgeJ · 05/12/2021 19:49

@surreymum89

Yes it is hajj, his mum has been several times before and once with my OH taking her .

She is very religious , OH does not practice his religion at all- no praying , drinks alcohol and does not pray/fast during Ramadan.

She is married but her husband lives in another country and comes and goes as he pleases- she also has several brothers with older children - so other options are there if she really wants to make this trip again.

He did make some comment about taking the toddler with him but to be honest that doesn't help and I don't want her away for that long.

Can't her brothers take a turn in accompanying her?
Original poster
surreymum89 · 05/12/2021 20:34

They haven't actually booked this trip but it's the way I was told about it being planned, it didn't feel like a discussion between us and felt as though my feelings on it were never even considered, which is odd seeing as him and toddler are very close and don't like to be parted at all , she is such a daddy's girl and he is normally considerate about consulting me if he has plans to go out and discussing his working hours/days.

There is an ongoing issue with his mums demands and his lack of ability to tell her she is being unreasonable, a lot of the time her requests just are not possible (for example mum saying I don't want to work anymore pay me X amount of money a month) or I just compromise and let him get on with some things that he does and although he speaks to her daily on the phone and is multiple times a week calling/emailing/filling forms etc on her behalf we can actually go weeks without seeing her but I have always felt that at some point it will come to a head , every few months these bigger requests come up and eventually like with this something that is possible but seems unreasonable and I don't want to compromise on will arise.

OP posts: